Ted 2

Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there? Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing? Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars? Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy? Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier. Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you. Ted: Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit. Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk! Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me. Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything! Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking? Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off! Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking? Tami-Lynn: It's

Ted 2, CC BY-SA 4.0

John: I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy? Ted: God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

Ted 2, CC BY-SA 4.0

Ted: Are you fucking kidding me? John: What? Ted: What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you! John: I'm not into it. Ted: John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man. John: Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again. Ted: Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little. John: What? Ted: It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

Ted 2, CC BY-SA 4.0

Customer: Hey. Ted: Hello. Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix? Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct? Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so- Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law? Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no. Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine. Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child? Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah. Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment. Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay. Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed? Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here. Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today. Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Ted 2, CC BY-SA 4.0

Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues. Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it. Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Ted 2, CC BY-SA 4.0

Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop? John: Yeah, go ahead. Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?! John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?! Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn! John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?! Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here! John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out! Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"? John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way! Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?! John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help! Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tit

Ted 2, CC BY-SA 4.0