Quotes

Dialogue

Ted: [reading his paper] Hey, I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there? Tami-Lynn: [at the stove] I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing? Ted: What do I think you're doing? I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. Look at this, look at this: $129 at Filene's Basement. What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars? Tami-Lynn: I need clothes for work, all right, Teddy? Ted: You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier. Tami-Lynn: Yeah? So are you. Ted: Yeah, exactly, and I'm not going out and buying designer shit. Tami-Lynn: Oh, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk! Ted: I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me. Tami-Lynn: Well, I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything! Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking? Tami-Lynn: You're always cutting me off! Ted: Are you gonna let me finish talking? Tami-Lynn: It's

Dialogue

John: I mean, have you guys at least tried marriage therapy? Ted: God, yeah, it was a friggin' disaster. $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

Dialogue

Ted: Are you fucking kidding me? John: What? Ted: What do you mean 'what'? After hours? Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you! John: I'm not into it. Ted: John, you've been saying that for the past year and a half about every chick who throws herself at you. You gotta get back in the game, man. John: Don't start this shit, alright? I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl and I got burned. Not gonna make that same mistake again. Ted: Jesus, Johnny, you don't gotta marry Allison. You just gotta bang her and maybe pee on her a little. John: What? Ted: It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

Dialogue

Customer: Hey. Ted: Hello. Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix? Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct? Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so- Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law? Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no. Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine. Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child? Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah. Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment. Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay. Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed? Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here. Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today. Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Dialogue

Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues. Ted: I banged her with a pack of Freedent Gum. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it. Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Dialogue

Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop? John: Yeah, go ahead. Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?! John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?! Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn! John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?! Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here! John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out! Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"? John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way! Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?! John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help! Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tit

Dialogue

John: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta fuckin' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my fuckin' mouth! Ted: Wait, hang on. I gotta post this on Facebook. John: NO!!! Ted: [types on his phone] #GrrrMondays. Nurse: Oh, my God! John: Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! Ted: We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry! Nurse: Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples. Ted: Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian. John: Fuck!

Dialogue

Ted: [reading notes from mail] "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." Fuck, that's a big one. Tami-Lynn: [sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here. Ted: I don't understand. We would have made such great parents. Tami-Lynn: [discovers a note] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy! Ted: [takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong? Tami-Lynn: Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us? Ted: [snatches the note] Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.

Dialogue

Ted: What's your middle name? Samantha: Leslie. Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson! John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam(uel) L. Jackson. Samantha: Who is that? Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

Dialogue

John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism." Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?" Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."

Dialogue

Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready? Ted: Yup, bring it on. Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?" Ted: Objection! John: Sustained! Samantha: No, the witness can't object. John: Overruled. Ted: Sidebar. John: Guilty! Ted: Speculation. John: Hearsay! Ted: Bailiff. John: Briefcase. Ted: Disregard. John: In my chambers. Ted: Stop beavering the witness. John: I rest. Ted: We could totally be lawyers. John: Bang.

Dialogue

John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy-- Ted: Clubber Lang. John: FUCKING-- Samantha: What's a Clubber Lang? Ted: "What's a Clubber Lang"? John: Mr. T's character in Rocky III, hello? Samantha: Is that the boxing movies? Ted: "The boxing movies"?! You've never seen Rocky? You know, [vocalizes the Rocky theme song]. You know, Rocky. Samantha: I'm not gonna think about a movie I've never seen just because you sing a song I've never heard. John: Jesus, you don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. You are literally pop culture illiterate. Samantha: I have a college degree. My pop culture references are Ham

Dialogue

Ted: Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card. John: What do you mean? Ted: I mean saying his name three times. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle... John: Shut up! Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here! Ted: No, John, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle... John: You are messing with powers you do not understand, all right? Cut the shit!

Dialogue

Samantha: You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan. Ted: Who's that? Samantha: He is the top civil rights attorney in America. John: Isn't he the one who got that female midget into the Marines? Ted: Oh yeah. That had a sad ending, though. You remember? She was at a Veteran's Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons, and then whoosh! Gone. Very sad. Very sad for the family. Samantha: If anybody can get this verdict overturned, it's him. He's not cheap, but we've become such a high profile case, he might be willing to take it pro bono. He's a sucker for media.

Dialogue

Ted: Johnny, did you see that? She was totally giving you the "fuck me" eyes. John: No, she wasn't. Ted: She was giving you the "fuck me" eyes! Samantha: What are the "fuck me" eyes? Ted: Some women just have "fuck me" eyes. Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes? Ted: No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes.

Dialogue

John: Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip. Ted: Yeah, Sam, this puts us in kind of an awkward position. We wanna get high too. Samantha: Isn't this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. So stupid. Here. John: Uh, no thanks. I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth. Samantha: Oh, you think this is big? Ted: Haha! Johnny, you walked right into that one.

Dialogue

John: You're really smart, you know that? How come you don't have a guy? Samantha: Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? I'm supposed to date some pale blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope. John: [chuckles] Yeah. Stupid. Ted: I couldn't find any soda cans, but I gotta tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn. John: Whoa, be careful with that. Ted: No, it's okay. It's not loaded- Ted: [offscreen] And my fuckin' nose came off.

Dialogue

Patrick Meighan: Ted, you're special. You could have been an inspiration to the world. You could have been a leader, a role model. Instead, you're... Justin Bieber. Ted: Fuck you! Samantha: Ted! Ted: Sorry. Sorry. Patrick Meighan: There's just no indication that you've had any positive effect on the world around you. John: That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me. Patrick Meighan: Would that positive effect include your joint arrest in 2003 for possessing marijuana? John: Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?

Dialogue

John: Ted! Samantha: Ted!

Dialogue

Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they play at the, uh, the (Boston) Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] ♪ Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline. ♪ Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] ♪ Bah bah bah! ♪ FUCK! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son-of-a-bitch! Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear? Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh-- Vendor: You better be planning on buying that. Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid. Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40. Donny: Okay. [Donny grabs cash] $40, here. [Vendor takes cash]

Dialogue

Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill! John: FUCK!