Quotes

The First Day [1.1]

Mr Gilbert: As you can see from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate, Will. As you share most of the same classes, Cooper, you’ll be looking after him. Simon: Sir, that’s not fair! Mr Gilbert: Lesson number one of the Sixth Form - “Life is not fair.” Simon: But, sir! Look at his blazer for starters! He’s got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair’s a bit gay! Will: Oooh! Simon: …and that badge! I mean, the badge alone. Will: (voiceover) Truth be told, the first-day nerves had got to me, so I went for what turned out to be one of the more eventful shits of my life. Boy: You’re gonna die here, Will. Will: OK… Boy: That briefcase makes me wanna punch you. Will: Of course it does. Boy: What a spastic badge! Will: That’s been pointed out already. Girl: Your shoes are well shit. Will: Yep, the shoes… Simon. Simon: (referring to Carli) I’ve lusted after her since she was eight. Neil: You fancy eight-year-olds?! Simon: No, Neil. Our families are friends, we were both

Bunk Off [1.2]

Will: (entering a wine shop, dressed in Mr Cooper’s suit) Good day. Shopkeeper: (looking up) Sorry? Will: (nervous) Good day. Shopkeeper: Oh. Hello. Shopkeeper: (to Will) Can I help at all? Will: (with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper) Yes, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area and I’m having a house-warming party to which I’ll be inviting a lot of the local adults. (counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly) to…Hence the crisps. Shopkeeper: Yes. Will: And I’ll also probably need some… (swallows nervously) …alcohol as well. As well as the crisps, et cetera. Shopkeeper: Right. What sort of thing are you looking for? Will: Some… (eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf) …Beefeater Gin? Shopkeeper: OK. So, how about two bottles? Will: (posh) Excellent. Shopkeeper: Want some wine? Will: Christ, no. We’re not made of money! And I’ll have some extra-strong mints. Will: For those who are drink-driving. Shopkeeper: Right. That comes to £29.50. Anything else?

Thorpe Park [1.3]

Will: (voiceover) So it looked like it might be quite some time before we were picking up girls in the car. Jay: (to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money. Neil: He doesn’t, actually. Simon: Rent boys don’t come cheap. Neil: Oi, my dad’s not bent. Jay: Then why is he paying for rent boys? Neil: He’s not. Simon: What, they’re freebies? Will: This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride - Jay: A man’s cock in the bushes? Will: The Nemesis Inferno! Will: (voiceover) Despite our excitement, we knew it would take a miracle for Simon to pass his test. But miracles often comes in unlikely packages. Will: (voiceover) Simon never did tell us what happened on his driving test. Will: (voiceover) So we had a car. It was a shit car, but it was still a car. All we needed now was some girls. Jay: (to Simon, about a group of girls in a car up ahead) Si, we’re losing them! Will: You make it sound as if we’re about to attack them. Jay: I’v

Girlfriend [1.4]

Jay: What? I’m telling you, all the birds I’ve shagged love that! Simon: So, no birds love that, then. Jay: Well, your mum loved it. Simon: Brilliant. Simon: It doesn’t matter ‘cause she’s not coming. Jay: Who’s not coming? Simon: Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Jay: I’d make her come. All over my face! Charlotte: (to Jay, with Will) Okay then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh…without undressing. Jay: (repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!! Jay: …it’s Crazy Frog… Jay: Fucking hell, he’s leaving. Simon: No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it. Neil: Or Donovan killed them both silently. Simon: She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me. Jay: She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her. Simon: She’s still looking. Jay: Because you’re freaking her out. Simon: I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over? Neil: No, I don’t need to pull. I

Caravan Club [1.5]

Will: (voiceover) Hi, I’m Will, and as a special treat, I now get to finish my A-Levels at a state comprehensive. Jay: (about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I’ve slung one up her a few times, myself. Will: And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her? Will: (voiceover) Despite Simon’s best efforts, we made it to Camber Sands alive. We’d arranged to meet Jay at the service station, and though Simon could just about drive a car, getting petrol into it still remained a mystery. Simon: What shall I write? Jay: “Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.” Will: Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.” Jay: “P.S. I’m a poofter.” Will: Where are all these women, then? Jay: There’s loads. Just look around you. Simon: Where? Jay: Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw) Simon: She’s about 12, Jay. Jay: Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ! Will: (voiceover) So the big night was finally here. The Caravan

Xmas Party [1.6]

Mr Sethi: (quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy? Will: People don’t get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister. Jay: Take that back. Will: Actually, I do take it back. Your mum, on the other hand, she’d probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits. Jay: Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with! Will: (voiceover) It was a moment of truth. Prom night had arrived, and as I watched my crack team setting things up, it’s fair to say I was shitting myself. Neil: Any jobs for me? Will: Wash your hands afterwards! Will: (voiceover) Despite being organised by my team of geeks, it actually looked like people were enjoying the party. Will: (voiceover) As Neil was about to discover, the problem with drinking for Dutch courage is the next level of drunk up from that is Dutch dickhead. Will: (voiceover) So far, so good. The band rocked, people largely found the toilets without a sign, and bet of all, my throat re

The Field Trip [2.1]

Simon: He was caught in the music cupboard wanking over the school orchestra. Will: When? Simon: Before we started. Will: Convenient. Donovan: Move. Will: Why should we move? Donovan: D’you want me to give you a reason? Will: Well, I’m not leaving without one. Donovan: I don’t think you understand? Will: I don’t think that you understand that we got up early to secure these seats and… (gets throttled) Jay: (goes to speak to Mr Gilbert, who he’s been forced to sit next to) Mr. Gilbert: Don’t even THINK about trying to talk to me! Jay: It’s just that I’ve got to go and see a man about a dog, (winks at Neil) then a woman about a pussy. Lauren: (annoyed) I so know what that means. Will: (as Yoda) PARTY HMMM, COOL THAT SOUNDS! Jay: You know you are never gonna get laid. Simon: You are all right with me seeing Lauren later, aren’t you? Will: Yeah. Of course. Simon: She’s pretty cool actually. Will: Is she? (to the seagulls) FUCK OFF, YOU BEADY-EYED LITTLE SHITS! Old lady: What can I get you?

Work Experience [2.2]

Jay: (reading card) “Jay, you massive stud, please please spaff on my tits, from your Valentine’s bitch. P.S and on my face” Will: It’s just funny all these cards seem to be written in the same scrawny handwriting? Your secret admirers are either all very young, or have severe learning difficulties, which I admit is a possibility. Jay: Nah, look…the handwriting’s just bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote them! Will: It’s not that I’m better than this, it’s just that I’m much cleverer than you need to be to work in a place like this. Jim: Place like this? Will: Manual. Dirty. Not stupid exactly, but not academic by a long chalk. Jim: Steve here’s got a BTEC. Will: Exactly! Journalist: What are you hoping to get out of this assignment? Neil: Don’t worry. I won’t steal nothing. Will’s Mum: I was hoping you’d be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert. Mr Gilbert: I’m sorry. Neil’s Dad: I just wonder what he said to them. Will’s Mum: I don’t think he said anything, Kevin. Mr

Will’s Birthday [2.3]

Jay: Oh, she’d definitely get it. Right up the bum hole. Will: Lucky girl. Simon: (about the French exchange student) He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I’d tried the “Sleeping Beauty.” Neil: Oh, it’s good, that. Simon: What, you know it? Neil: Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead - ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it. Will: How do you know these things? Jay: Oh, everyone knows the “Sleeping Beauty.” That’s old. Will: Is it? Jay: Yeah, my mate’s brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang. Will: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh, there’s nothing gay about that(!) Jay: Yeah, well, he’s in the Air Force now, so how gay is that? Will: Still quite gay. Simon: (about finding dates for Will’s birthday party) Maybe I’ll see what Carli’s up to. Jay: Not being seen dead with you in a million years is what she’s up to. Simon: Oh, I’m sorry, Russell Brand(!) Who are you bringing a

Night Out In London [2.4]

Will: (voiceover) In case you’re interested, at my old school the day began with prayers, followed by hymns and then an inspirational reading. Here it began with Jay showing me a pornographic video. Will: Why are you wearing trainers, Si? Simon: Because they look good. Will: I specifically said no trainers, not if we want to get into clubs. Simon: Everyone wears trainers. Will: Jay hasn’t got trainers on. I haven’t got trainers on. Jay: You’ve got fucking flippers on. What size are they? Will: Size eight, my size. Simon: Oh, yeah, Ronald McDonald called. He wants his shoes back. Will: There’s nothing wrong with these, they’re Italian. Jay: (in Italian accent) Hey! Where are my-a flippers? Simon: At least you’ll be all right if you fall in the Thames. Will: Yeah, very funny! Would it have killed you to wear shoes to be safe? Simon: Whoa, check out Neil’s car. Jay: Yeah! It’s shit-hot! Will: I’d say half-right. It’s shit. Jay: Slow down a minute, Si. Jay: (Leaning out the window) BUS WAN

Duke of Edinburgh [2.5]

Will: (voiceover) I was no strange to Mr. Gilbert’s office. I often popped by with a complaint or a suggestion on how I think the school could be better run. But today was different. He’d actually invited me. Neil: Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh? Does he teach it? Jay: No, of course he doesn’t teach it, you fucking idiot. The Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles. Will: Um, no, he isn’t. It’s his dad. Neil: King Phillip? Will: No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you’re thinking of, but he’s not the king. Neil: He fucks the Queen, though. Will: Oh. Jay: Probably up the arse. Will: LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not? Jay: You’ve gotta be fucking joking. There’s no way I’m gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain. Neil: Yeah, fuck it, I’m in. Jay: Because you’re a paedo. Will: Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don’t, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile. Simon: He is right. Jay: Well, then, he’s an OAPaedo. Will: Brilliant. Jay: You’re desperate for a gu

Exam Time [2.6]

Jay: Alright, Dad? Mr Cartwright: Alright there. Jay: Dad, can I ask your advice about something? Mr Cartwright: What is it, Woman trouble? Jay: Yeah, it is. Mr Cartwright: That little piece you were with the other day? Jay: Chloe? Yeah. See, there’s this guy at school, right? Mr Cartwright: So she’s dumped you for this bloke? Well, that’s a lucky escape, I thought she was a facking pig. Jay: No, she hasn’t dumped me, Dad. I think I love her. Mr Cartwright: So you’re back with the pig? Jay: Dad, we didn’t split up, and please don’t call her a pig. It’s just that I’m just getting a bit jealous cos I think she might have seen a few more people than I have. Mr Cartwright: I’d say that’s a given, innit?! If she’s got off with more than one person, she’s beaten you hands down. Mr Cartwright: Look, mate. Women are like fairground rides. Fucking mental. Your only hope is that when she wants some, you do the best you can with your tiny equipment. Oh, and check where she is the whole time, that

The Fashion Show [3.1]

Will: (voiceover) My name is Will McKenzie and my first year in state education has been an unqualified success. And by unqualified, I mean I failed all my exams. That said, I have made three friends. Yep, three whole friends in one year. And they’re the sort of friends everyone should have - ones that are so tragic, they almost make someone like me… (Will: Feisty one, you are!) …look normal. But things were going to be different this year. For one, Jay could now drive, meaning we had a choice of which shit, embarrassing car we got a lift to school in. Simon’s was more yellow, but Jay’s was more dangerous. Simon: Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced? Jay: Yes. Simon: Isn’t that the ear you get pierced to say you’re gay? Jay: Well, there’s a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear’s your Dad got pierced? Neil: Neither, cos he’s not bent! Simon: Of course not. Will, which ear’s the gay one? Will: Oh, I’m the last person to ask. Neil: I thought you knew everything? Will: We

The Gig And The Girlfriend [3.2]

Will: (voiceover) It was the night of Simon’s date with Tara, and to make the occasion, he’d dressed like a dick. Will: Are you actually gonna wear that? Simon: Yes. Will: Interesting. Simon: Look, if I’m gonna get a girlfriend, I’m gonna have to try and different plan than the one I had for Carli. Will: Oh, was there a plan with Carli? I thought you just lurched from one disaster to another. Simon: Yeah. Well, I know what I need to do with Tara. Just pretend to be someone I’m not, that I go to gigs, wear hats, and most importantly, sort out D-R-U-G-S. Will: Shh! My mum’s in. Simon: So? Will: She can spell. Will’s Mum: Ooh. You two look very smart. Where are you off to? Will: Oh, um, we’re just going to pick up Neil. Then we’re going to a gig. Will’s Mum: A gig? Wow. Yeah, I remember my first gig. INXS, Hammersmith Odeon. One of the band members went off stage, then came back on a skateboard. We all screamed. Yeah, looking back, I’m not sure why he did it. Will: Heh. We’re going to go

Will’s Dilemma [3.3]

Simon: (to Will) You’ve only kissed three girls. Your type is anyone who’ll let you. Jay: Oi, Neil, hear about Boy? He was messing about up the rec, got his head wedged in a bottle bank. When they found him the next morning, he’d been arse raped eighteen times. Neil: Oh, mate, that’s grim! Will: I have a few questions. Jay: Like what? Will: Well, firstly, what was he doing with his head wedged in a bottle bank? Jay: Looking for bottles, you mug. Will: Okay. Secondly, the first 18 people to find him happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists? Jay: Obviously…oi, Neil, where was ya Dad last night? Neil: Badminton, why? Jay: (suspiciously) 'Course he was. Will: And finally, after what was, at best, a humiliating experience, would he, as the victim, tell anyone - let alone YOU - about it?! Jay: I used to sit next to him in woodwork. Jay: Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner. Will: Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter? Neil: Was it good? Jay: Yeah, amazing. I pissed rig

The Trip To Warwick [3.4]

Jay: Oh mate, you’ve gotta have a plan. One mate I knew, he didn’t have a plan and went in too quick, broke his knob in half! Tara's Sister: I don’t like the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you’re doing it somewhere comfortable. Simon: Oh, of course, only in her vagina. Tara's Sister: I meant in my room. Simon: …So did I? Jay: Why’d you say vagina then? Jay: Well when I fingered her, she shit down my arm. Neil: This has been the best night of my life. Simon: I’m gonna fuck your fucking fanny off you twat! Simon: My penis is hard for you. Jay: C'mon I’ve got enough young meat for the both of ya. Jay: (pretending to be Simon) Oh look at me I’ve got a girlfriend and I love going round hers and listening to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending she is fit when she isn’t. Simon: Who isn’t that fit? Jay: Your mum.

Will Is Home Alone [3.5]

Mr. Gilbert: As I’m sure you’re aware, there’s been a spate of vandalism recently, culminating in someone adapting the flower display by main road that it now reads (looks at paper on desk) “we cum tit village”. Mr. Gilbert: (to Will, in his office) You’ve got until Monday to find out (who vandalised the roundabout flower display), or it’s 'Goodbye, first-rate education, hello, the University of Lincoln'. Will: Sorry, is there a sign on the permanently open front door saying 'this way to the free toast bar?' Jay: (commenting on Will’s house rules) God, it’s like staying at the Ritz! Will: Famous of course for its 'no chucking drinks or toast' policy. Jay: Ah, yes, Will’s mum’s vibrator! Will: That’s a rolling pin. Jay: It’s still got that lovely smell. Will: It’s a rolling pin. Neil: How long you had the dog now, Jay? Jay: Eight years. Neil: And has he always watched you tug one off? Jay: No! I wasn’t wanking when I was 10, was I?! Neil: I thought you got laid when you was nine? With t

Camping Trip [3.6]

Simon: (to his parents) Brilliant(!) You’ve effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? Or better still, why don’t you take me to the vets and have me secretly put down, just like you did with Patch?! Neil: What is Swansea, is it an animal? Gilbert: Teachers don’t start each day by swearing allegiance to the Education Fairies under a portrait of The Queen. It’s not so much a calling as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious. Between you and me, the only reason anyone teaches these days is that they’ve taken a more relaxed stance on police checks in recent years. Will: They say the art of teaching is aiding discovery. And Mr. Gilbert had helped me discover that he was a wanker. Simon: (about the dinner lady) That stupid ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carli!! Jay: Why, has she been controlling your personality for the last eighteen years? Jay: I knocked out a cow in the countryside once, one punch to the face. Will: Hmmm, course you did. Jay: Bu