The Inbetweeners

Mr Gilbert: As you can see from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate, Will. As you share most of the same classes, Cooper, you’ll be looking after him. Simon: Sir, that’s not fair! Mr Gilbert: Lesson number one of the Sixth Form - “Life is not fair.” Simon: But, sir! Look at his blazer for starters! He’s got an actual briefcase! His shoes are clumpy, his hair’s a bit gay! Will: Oooh! Simon: …and that badge! I mean, the badge alone. Will: (voiceover) Truth be told, the first-day nerves had got to me, so I went for what turned out to be one of the more eventful shits of my life. Boy: You’re gonna die here, Will. Will: OK… Boy: That briefcase makes me wanna punch you. Will: Of course it does. Boy: What a spastic badge! Will: That’s been pointed out already. Girl: Your shoes are well shit. Will: Yep, the shoes… Simon. Simon: (referring to Carli) I’ve lusted after her since she was eight. Neil: You fancy eight-year-olds?! Simon: No, Neil. Our families are friends, we were both

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Will: (entering a wine shop, dressed in Mr Cooper’s suit) Good day. Shopkeeper: (looking up) Sorry? Will: (nervous) Good day. Shopkeeper: Oh. Hello. Shopkeeper: (to Will) Can I help at all? Will: (with several bags of crisps, to Shopkeeper) Yes, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area and I’m having a house-warming party to which I’ll be inviting a lot of the local adults. (counting the Pringles cans in his hands absent-mindedly) to…Hence the crisps. Shopkeeper: Yes. Will: And I’ll also probably need some… (swallows nervously) …alcohol as well. As well as the crisps, et cetera. Shopkeeper: Right. What sort of thing are you looking for? Will: Some… (eyes a bottle of gin on the shelf) …Beefeater Gin? Shopkeeper: OK. So, how about two bottles? Will: (posh) Excellent. Shopkeeper: Want some wine? Will: Christ, no. We’re not made of money! And I’ll have some extra-strong mints. Will: For those who are drink-driving. Shopkeeper: Right. That comes to £29.50. Anything else?

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Will: (voiceover) So it looked like it might be quite some time before we were picking up girls in the car. Jay: (to Neil) I suppose your dad needs the money. Neil: He doesn’t, actually. Simon: Rent boys don’t come cheap. Neil: Oi, my dad’s not bent. Jay: Then why is he paying for rent boys? Neil: He’s not. Simon: What, they’re freebies? Will: This is perfect. Simon passes his test, drives us to Thorpe Park, Neil gets us freebies, and I get to ride - Jay: A man’s cock in the bushes? Will: The Nemesis Inferno! Will: (voiceover) Despite our excitement, we knew it would take a miracle for Simon to pass his test. But miracles often comes in unlikely packages. Will: (voiceover) Simon never did tell us what happened on his driving test. Will: (voiceover) So we had a car. It was a shit car, but it was still a car. All we needed now was some girls. Jay: (to Simon, about a group of girls in a car up ahead) Si, we’re losing them! Will: You make it sound as if we’re about to attack them. Jay: I’v

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Jay: What? I’m telling you, all the birds I’ve shagged love that! Simon: So, no birds love that, then. Jay: Well, your mum loved it. Simon: Brilliant. Simon: It doesn’t matter ‘cause she’s not coming. Jay: Who’s not coming? Simon: Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Jay: I’d make her come. All over my face! Charlotte: (to Jay, with Will) Okay then, 'funny boy'. Make me laugh…without undressing. Jay: (repeatedly imitating Crazy Frog, as Charlotte and Will watch in appalled silence) Nim, nee nim nim nim nim! Boh, bom bom bah bah bah!!! Jay: …it’s Crazy Frog… Jay: Fucking hell, he’s leaving. Simon: No screams and he’s not covered in blood. Will must have got away with it. Neil: Or Donovan killed them both silently. Simon: She is so beautiful and she keeps looking at me. Jay: She’s only looking to see if you’ve stopped staring at her. Simon: She’s still looking. Jay: Because you’re freaking her out. Simon: I think we’ve got a connection. Her eyes! Why don’t we go over? Neil: No, I don’t need to pull. I

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Will: (voiceover) Hi, I’m Will, and as a special treat, I now get to finish my A-Levels at a state comprehensive. Jay: (about Becky) That one has fucked EVERYONE. I’ve slung one up her a few times, myself. Will: And who is everyone, exactly? That old man over there, has he had a go on her? Will: (voiceover) Despite Simon’s best efforts, we made it to Camber Sands alive. We’d arranged to meet Jay at the service station, and though Simon could just about drive a car, getting petrol into it still remained a mystery. Simon: What shall I write? Jay: “Spread ‘em. I’ll be there in half an hour.” Will: Or, “So lovely to hear from you, it would be a pleasure to meet up.” Jay: “P.S. I’m a poofter.” Will: Where are all these women, then? Jay: There’s loads. Just look around you. Simon: Where? Jay: Everywhere. What about her? (points to her on a seesaw) Simon: She’s about 12, Jay. Jay: Nah, she’s older than that. Believe me, Christ! Will: (voiceover) So the big night was finally here. The Caravan

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Mr Sethi: (quite a few times in the first scene) Too jazzy? Will: People don’t get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister. Jay: Take that back. Will: Actually, I do take it back. Your mum, on the other hand, she’d probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits. Jay: Listen, lard-arse, there will be food, so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with! Will: (voiceover) It was a moment of truth. Prom night had arrived, and as I watched my crack team setting things up, it’s fair to say I was shitting myself. Neil: Any jobs for me? Will: Wash your hands afterwards! Will: (voiceover) Despite being organised by my team of geeks, it actually looked like people were enjoying the party. Will: (voiceover) As Neil was about to discover, the problem with drinking for Dutch courage is the next level of drunk up from that is Dutch dickhead. Will: (voiceover) So far, so good. The band rocked, people largely found the toilets without a sign, and bet of all, my throat re

The Inbetweeners, CC BY-SA 4.0