Quotes

Dialogue

Girl: I've never gone parking before. I'm not really that kind of girl. Boy: Well, I'm not the kind of guy who would go out with "that" kind of girl. Girl: Why, that is so sweet... I think. Boy: There is nothing to be afraid of. Eckle's Mother: What did I tell you about these kind of movies? Eckle: It was almost over! Besides they're all the same. Eckle's Mother: That's not true.

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Skiff: [Looking at a movie poster] There it is. Just two more days. Eckle: Wow. Humaniacs III: The Final Battle for Our World. Skiff and Eckle: Victory or extinction! Lem: If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we've never met. [Walks away] Skiff: Did you just say what I think you just said? Lem: I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids movies, anymore. Skiff: [Gasps] Kids movies? I suppose next you'll say "aliens don't exist." Lem: Duh! Skiff: Ha! Just as I thought. You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie like in Humaniacs II. Lem: Skiff, I'm not a zombie. Skiff: [Pulls Eckle away from Lem] Yeah. That's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell us something the REAL Lem would know. Lem: Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase, who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. And, you give candy to your puppy so he'll poop jelly beans. Eckle: Bleggh! Skiff: It was just an experiment.

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Lem: So um... Eckle, do you think your sister's home? Eckle: Why? Lem: I thought, maybe... I thought I might tell her I got the job. Eckle: Why? Lem: Forget it. You tell her for me. Okay? Eckle: Okay, but every time you tell me to tell her something, she asks why don't you tell her yourself? Lem: What? Eckle: And then my mom says because you like her, and she says that "oh, that is so cute!" Why don't you ask her out already? She's been waiting for you to ask her out ever since we moved next door to you. Lem: She-- She has? The girl of my dreams likes me? This is the best day of my life. Eckle: Yeah, we've got to see that kid throw up. Lem: Hey, Neera. Neera: Hey, Lem. Lem: I came to tell you... I've got the job. Neera: Oh, Lem! That's great! Lem: [Nervously] Umm... maybe it's time for you and me-- Neera: Yes?

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(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING) (HUMMING ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA) (HUMMING FINALE DRAMATICALLY) (SQUEAKING) What the... (REINFLATING) Duck? (GULPS) (CLEARS THROAT) (WHISTLES) (EXCLAIMING) (GASPS)

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Lem: A cork? Skiff: It's your best defense against the aliens' favorite form of research: the probe. You put it in your... [points at his buttocks] Lem: [Nervously] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I think I get it. Skiff: [Holds out another cork] Oh, wait This one's yours. [Points at the cork Lem's holding] I already used that one.

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Alien Hotline: Hello, this is the Alien Hotline. Lem: Yes, hi. I've found the alien! Alien Hotline: They're here, and no weapon can stop them. Lem: [Annoyed] You've gotta be kidding.

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Chuck: [Taking off his helmet] I can breathe. [realizes the air is breathable] I can breathe! Lem: You speak my language. Chuck: That's amazing! You speak my language! Lem: Yeah, that's what I just said. Chuck: You just said, "That's what I just said". [Excited] Say something else! Lem: Like what? Chuck: "Like what?". They're gonna freak back at Kennedy. I am Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut. AS-TRO-NAUT. Lem: [Points at Chuck] AS– Chuck: [Clears throat] TRO-NAUT! Lem: Lem. LEM! Chuck: If your name is Lem, or you want to mate with me? Houston, we have a little problem. Lem: What do you want? Chuck: Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Got any Frappuchino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks. Lem: No, I mean... are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains? Chuck: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on! What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Not full of sea-monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant

Dialogue

Lem: Jail? [Chuckling] This is great! Yesterday, my life was perfect. And now, I'm the most wanted super-criminal in the world. Chuck: At least you have a world. I'll probably never see mine again.

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Chuck: [Eyes Rover] Rover? Boy, am I glad to see you! Rover!! Lem: Rover? Chuck: He's a probe we sent to take pictures of your world. Skiff: [To Chuck] Your personal chef, reporting for duty, sir. May I give you some tasty suggestions for tonight? I've got a list of the fattest teachers in my school, in case your looking for a light snack. Lem: Skiff, stop! He's not here to eat us or anything. He's harmless, to everyone but me. Skiff: Better let me do the talking. I think he's eyeing you for dessert.

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Chuck: Hey, maybe, they can get me on my ship. Lem: I'm leaning towards "probably not." [Rover turns on the TV, showing a reporter] But I think I know who can.

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Chuck: Hey, kid, what's bugging you? Lem: Neera. Chuck: What is that? an alien hernia? Lem: Well, sort of. She's the girl of my dreams, and now, she hates me. Chuck: Whoa, hate's a strong word. You mean to say, she just... dislikes you. Lem: Plus, there's another guy - Glar! Chuck: Okay, you know your problem? It's not Glar, or Neera. It's Lem. Look at you. You're so "left-brain", or is it "right-brain"? Whatever. You're the chief of control. You gotta loosen up. [Checks his timer] We got a little time. You, my friend, are in luck. [Cracking his knuckles] The doctor is in.

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Chuck: Before we begin, I have a technical question. Are you considered very... ugly on this planet? Lem: What? Chuck: Because I can't tell. Lem: No. I mean... I'm... okay. Chuck: Oh, g-- Good, good.

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Chuck: [While giving advice on love] Are you sure you're not ugly? Lem: I think so.

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Skiff: [Catches Chuck trying to kiss Lem; Chuck drops Lem] LEM, THE CORK!! REMEMBER THE PLAN!! Lem: [Gets up and goes to the door] The only plan here is to get Chuck on TV. I'll be right back with the reporter. I'm leaving you in charge. [Walks away] Skiff: In charge? [He smiles; then walks to the others] You heard him! Things are going to be different around here. [To Chuck] My wish is your command! [Chuck slams the door on him]

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Chuck: Oh, look. That is great. Perfect. [Checks his timer, which has less than 20 hours left] Oh, JUST GREAT! PERFECT! John Glenn goes around the world, he's a senator for life! I went across the FRICKIN' UNIVERSE! I should be governor! Minimum, but no… I'm marooned here on this STUPID ROCK!! [Bursts into the Planetarium] Lem: [Marches after him; angrily] Uh, this stupid rock is my home, or it was until you came along and ruined everything! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!! Unless, I don't know, maybe, there's something else you want to ruin! Chuck: [Points] Who's that? Lem: [Looks at where Chuck is pointing; sighs] My boss.

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Chuck: You're looking right at my home. [Points to a red star] See that star? The little red one? Circling that is a planet called Earth. It's about twenty billion miles away, give or take. Lem: There's no way Space is that big. Chuck: Are you kidding? There's billions of galaxies and each galaxy has billions of stars. Next to that, kid, our planets are just dust in the wind. Lem: So... nothing I knew was right? Chuck: Come on! You knew about Neera. [Holds out Lem's picture of her] I mean look at her! Lose the antenna, get some plastic surgery, she's a hottie. Lem: I don't have the "right stuff", like you. Chuck: Kid… I never had the "right stuff". I'm a button-pusher; a spam-in-a-can. I don't even fly the ship; it's all automatic. I only got this far on my charm and rugged good looks. You risked everything to help a stranger from another world. You're the one with the "right stuff." [Rubs Lem's head]

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Skiff: Great hiding spot. I call the closet! Eckle: No way! Let's go fight the Army! Skiff: [To Chuck] How's your species in hiding? Can your skin change to this color? Eckle: Your call, Captain Baker. What's it gonna be? Fight or hide? Lem: Neither. [Everybody looks at him] Skiff: I think Lem's saying he wants the closet. Lem: I'll tell you what this is gonna be. We're going to get Chuck back to his ship. Skiff, you were right about Base 9. That's where they have his ship. Eckle: But... we don't know where it is. Chuck: Yes, we do. Rover found me, he's also programmed to find my ship. Wait, where is Rover? Skiff: [Moaning] It's too painful to talk about. Eckle: [To Skiff] It's okay. [To Chuck] They've got him at the comic book shop. Lem: Well, then, we're going to go get him. Skiff: [Calms down] Hold on. The whole Army's looking for you two. You can't just stroll through town. Lem: Wait, wait. That new movie… Doesn't that open tonight? Skiff: Yeah! Why? Lem: What are we supposed to do

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Grawl: Look at it, Professor. He's hideous! And that smell. Chuck: Hey! You try wearing the same suit for 3 weeks!

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Lem: No! You're making a mistake! He's friendly! Kipple: Ohhh! This poor boy's obviously a zombie. I'll remove his brain, too. Lem: [Guard pushes him forward; terrified] Huh? WHAT?!

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Grawl: How about it, Professor? Kipple: Hmmm. Difficult to tell. [To Lem] Do you still believe the alien is friendly? Lem: [Looks at Chuck, who shakes his head, lightly; sighs] No. Kipple: This boy is free!

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Neera: [Follows him] Lem? [Lem doesn't respond; sighs] I know I was kind of harsh. I'm really sorry. Lem: [Gets his finger shocked] OUCH! [Sees Neera] Oh, hi, Neera. Neera: What are you doing? Lem: It's called hot-wiring. It's how they start cars on Earth. Neera: Lem... um, I was thinking. Well, you know, now that this is all over-- Lem: Yeah, Neera? Neera: Maybe... we could--

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Lem: You're going with me? Neera: Uh-huh. Lem: All right!

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Neera, I am forever in love with you. The least I could do now is... Oh, I don't know. [Neera turns to him; chuckles]

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Grawl: Thought you could take over our world? your kind knows no decency. Chuck: You mean chick magnets? Grawl: No, aliens. Tell us your invasion plans! And don't bother taking over my mind. If you do, Captain Kisno has orders to shoot me. If you take over Captain Kisno's mind, Lieutenant Groit has orders to shoot him. If you take over Lieutenant Groit's mind, Sergeant York will shoot Captain Kisno, Lieutenant Groit and myself along with these three soldiers. Each man has a designated target in the squad. Should you succeed in taking over all of our minds, Corporal Hisk has orders to electrocute everyone. If this fails, the entire base is rigged to blow at the touch of a button. Sergeant York: Uh, General, sir? Am I supposed to shoot Hecknavar or Kolski? Soldier #1: I shoot Kolski. Grawl: No. You shoot Meckavoy. Soldier #1: Then who shoots Kolski? Kolski: I can shoot myself. Grawl: That won't be necessary. Hecknavar, you shoot Kolski, Captain Kisno and and graze Corporal Hisk. Hecknava