Quotes

Others

Grandma Klump: I hope your butt turn into a frog. Mother Klump: Don't break gas and destroy our meal. Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)

Dialogue

Anna Klump: You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting me an appointment to go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly. Cletus Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! [farts loudly, Ernie Jr. starts laughing hysterically] See? There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean. Anna Klump: Cletus, that is disgusting. Every time we're having a meal, you gotta start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal. Cletus Klump: Don't tell me to stop, you're the one who brought up colon cleansin', all that mess. Anna Klump: I did not say anything about breaking gas, I was talking about getting my colon clean. Cletus Klump: Don't you talk about stickin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind. Anna Klump: I didn't say nothin' about stickin' no hose up nobody's ass, Cletus-- Cletus Klump: Well, what you think a colonic is? You think you run y

Dialogue

Reggie Warrington: Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa! Sherman Klump: [pretending to laugh] Yeah! Yeah, that's a good one there. Reggie Warrington: Oh boy, you got more crack than Harlem! Boy's so fat, every time I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang! Sherman Klump: Okay, now, alright! That's it, got me! Reggie Warrington: Oh no. No, I ain't got you yet! Should I get him? [crowd cheers] SHOULD I GET HIM?! [crowd cheers again] Oh, look at this, he' with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking whose titties over here?! [crowd roars with laughter] Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to Sea World, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know

Dialogue

Buddy Love: [arriving to "The Scream" for his date] You are too fine to be giving me curbside service! Carla Purdy: [angrily] I'm not, I'm leaving. Buddy Love: What are you talking about leaving? We just got here! Carla Purdy: No, you just got here, I've been waiting for you for almost an hour! Buddy Love: Hey, now they say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger, if you know what I mean. Carla Purdy: Anticipate the night alone. Buddy Love: Hey, hey, let's just have a meal together! Why you leaving? Hey-what, do you want me to beg you?! I get down on my knees! I'm begging in front of all these people! You think I care that all these people are watching? I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I WAS LATE, AND I'M SORRY!!! My car ran out of gas! I needed fresh drawers! My mother's sick! The car broke down on the street! I'm so sorry! Carla Purdy: [embarrassed] Buddy, get up. Buddy Love: No, listen, you gotta hear me out! Now, I am sorry! I don't know why this hap

Dialogue

Carla Purty: [looking at Buddy's plates] Six T-Bones, five baked potatoes, and two servings of creamed spinach. I have NEVER seen anyone eat so much. You are so lucky to stay so thin. Buddy Love: Oh, "lucky" has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide. Carla Purty: ...And what does that mean? Buddy Love: I dunno, I was just trying to sound extra intelligent. Gotcha! You gonna eat that?

Dialogue

Buddy Love: Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA! [walks onto the stage, still laughing hysterically] Reggie Warrington: Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business. Buddy Love: Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass, that brought us so much joy tonight. That's a big ass! Reggie Warrington: ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this shit no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatacize" your ass!

Dialogue

Dean Richmond: Oh, with you, it's always business. Let's get to know each other, man-to-man. Now, if our files are correct, you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter. Harlan Hartley: I'm divorced and my daughter is in rehab. Dean Richmond: So you're saying our files are NOT correct. Harlan Hartley: Listen, you pompous butt-kisser. I have a check in my pocket for $10 million. Your Buddy Love has until midnight to prove that formula works.

Dialogue

Buddy Love: Carla, are you ready to go upstairs? [Carla slaps him] I guess not. Hey, wait, Carla! Where are you going? What's your problem? Carla Purty: [points to three women] THEY'RE my problem! You can handle all three of them, huh?! Buddy Love: Oh, well, I was thinking after dinner, you'd want a little group activity. After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.[winks at her] Carla Purty: Ooh, you are one sick, twisted freak! Buddy Love: Hey, Carla, where you going? Wha-? Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway! Yeah. More titties!

Dialogue

Buddy Love: I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds! [he took a megashake] Thanks, Megashake! Jason: [angrily; about Sherman] YOU TRICKED HIM! Buddy Love: Oh, you damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me. That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life. [laughs] See, I've done some calculations of my own. If I drink 500 milliters of formula, I'll have enough cellular stability to be rid of Sherman's ass forever! Jason: No. You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you! Buddy Love: If I drink it all at once, yes. If I drink half now and half later, that's completely safe. And at midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin. Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball, and you have a date with linoleum! Jason: Who?

Dialogue

Buddy Love: Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration: Look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear forever! [produces a vial of serum] Jason: [off-screen] NO-O-O-O-O-O!!! [enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage] Wait! I cannot... let you do this... anymore! This... has got... to stop! [runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump! Cletus Klump: That's it, I'm glad I brought my knife. [reaches into his pocket] Anna Klump: Mm-hmm. And I got my razor. [opens her purse] Jason: [to Buddy] Hand over the vial now. Buddy Love: Oh, sure thing, hamster boy, but first, a short musical interlude. [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps] Carla Purty: [angry] Buddy! What has gotten into you, and where is Sherman? Buddy Love: Sherman is gone, disappeared! [more gasps; Anna and Cletus Klump both look at each other in confusion] And that's a

Dialogue

Carla Purty: You know something I couldn't stand about Buddy? Sherman Klump: What's that? Carla Purty: He was too damn scrawny.