Quotes

Dialogue

Adam, Nick: Ko... di... ak... Lou: Valley! Fuckin' K-Vals!

Dialogue

Lou: Goddamn it, who the fuck are you texting with? Jacob: Just a friend. Lou: Male or fucking female? Jacob: For your information, I have had lots of girlfriends. Hot ones. Lou: No, you have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.

Dialogue

Jacob: [to Lou] I have some adavain, but it's different. Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses! Jacob: It's not a suppository! Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Dialogue

Jacob: [Referring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me. Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.

Dialogue

[Repeated line, whispered] Great White Buffalo.

Dialogue

Adam: One little change has a ripple effect, and it affects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami in like, you know, somewhere. Jacob: Yes, exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented. Lou: Oh, then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth. Jacob: Yeah, no. I was more concerned about bigger consequences, like not being born. Lou: Yeah, no. I don't care about that.

Dialogue

Lou: It's the fucking 80's, guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love! Jacob: That was the 60's, dipshit. Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!

Dialogue

Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later? Girl at Club: Can you what? Jacob: Are you online at all? Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about. Jacob: How do I get a hold of you? Girl at Club: You come find me. Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.

Dialogue

April: What happened to your... Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork. I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it. It happened to me in a different way.

Dialogue

Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh man, what the fuck's he doing here? Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou. Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.

Dialogue

Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend? Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend, Uncle Adam? Adam: Something in the course of reality. Get a job. Go to college. Jacob: That all sounds overrated.

Dialogue

Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney. Tara: Tara. Nick: Courtney. Tara: Tara. Nick: Courtney. Tara: No, seriously, my name is Tara. Nick: No, my wife, my wife. Tara: You're married? Nick: No, I'm not married. Not now, anyway. I will be. She's nine right now.

Dialogue

Adam: Why do you waste your time with that Second Life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week. Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time". Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?

Dialogue

Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you. Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right? Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you, buddy. Nick: Don't say that! Lou: I'm sorry, I do!

Dialogue

Nick: Excuse me, miss, what color is Michael Jackson? Girl At Bar: ...black? Nick: AAHHH!

Dialogue

Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way. Jacob: Yeah, not with another fucking guy! Lou: It's still a three-way!

Dialogue

Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. It's got this shit in it, not even legal here. Adam: What's in it? Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know, dude? But it's illegal.

Dialogue

Lou: I love you, Jacob! Jacob: Fuck you! Lou: [to Adam] Little scamp. They say the damnest things, man.

Dialogue

Lou: Woah, woah, woah. Webber fuckin' Agnew? You took your wife's last name? You're a fuckin' hyphenate? Nick: Lots of dudes are doin' it. It's progressive. Lou: No, no dudes are doing it. It's not progressive. [to Cashier] You look like a pretty progressive guy. Would you do that? Cashier: Nooo. Lou: [to Nick] You see that? He wouldn't do it. And he's got a goatee!