Quotes

Others

Jamie: Who is that maniac? Cassie: [about the Gornickes] What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing! Carl: DAD!!! THE TOILET'S BACKED UP! Travis: Here's where you made your critical mistake: you listened to anything Howie and Joe Joe said. Nice boys, but they're a couple pliers short of a tool chest. Mary Jo: [about the Munros] Whoa. They are early risers. Earl: [about Bob] He-He was covered in turd. Moon: [about Carl] My hero. Billy: Mr. Munro, I was just telling Earl and Moon about that neat laptop you were usin'. Todd Mallory: Alright, no more details. Just email me the new proposal. [hangs up] Howie: Oh, dude, that is nasty.

Dialogue

Bob: [walks in] Welcome aboard, everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions? Cassie: The "Big Turd". Carl: The "Big Rolling Turd"? Bob: In that spirit, we set forth. [sits down]

Dialogue

Mary Jo: Do you want to hear about the time Jesus saved us from a tornado? Travis: Oh, it's a great story. Bob: You know, I'd love to, but I was in the little boys room taking care of business when Carl interrupted me, but Jamie'd love to hear it. [walks away] Mary Jo: Ah. Well, it seems just like yesterday.

Dialogue

Earl: So, do you have a boyfriend? Cassie: Yeah. Actually, I'm engaged. Earl: Unlikely.

Dialogue

Cassie, age 5: Daddy? Bob: Yeah, baby? Cassie, age 5: I'm never going to get married. Bob: Why not? It's not as bad as it looks. Cassie, age 5: Because I always want to live here with you. Bob: Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends. [kisses Cassie] Good night, Cassie. [turns lamp off] Cassie: Dad, could you be any more of a dork? Bob: Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know? Cassie: Oh, I know where she lives, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way. Bob: Because it's a stupid way. Cassie: Yes, if you consider actually getting there stupid. Jamie: Why don't you use the navigation? Bob: Because our daughter, Sacajawea back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street. She just knows it as "the one next to the one with the fountain". Carl: Dad, Cassie just gave you the finger. [Cassie elbows Carl to shut him up]

Dialogue

Jamie: Did you take out the roasts from last night?! Bob: I guess not. Jamie: Well, what's the plan? Cassie: Let's give him Carl! Maybe he'll eat him and leave. Carl: [angrily] Let's give him you! Maybe he's on the South bitch diet! Bob: Good one.

Dialogue

Bob: Table for 4. No smoking. Waitress: Wipe your feet. Jamie: [while tying a knot in a cherry stem in her mouth] Mm-hmm. Mmm, mm-hmm. [spits stem out] See, that's why you should study. So you can get good grades and go to a big party school. [drops stem] Cassie: [her and Bob are playing billiards] Hey, Dad, how come we never got a pool table for the house? Bob: Because of the generalissimo over there. [Cassie laughs] We had one before you were born, in the dining room, but then, you know, you get a job, you start inviting over for dinner, you have a family. Cassie: So life used to be fun? Bob: Yeah, it was fun. But then something happened that was a lot more fun. Cassie: [amuses Bob referred to her] Aw... Bob: We got the George Foreman smokeless grill. Cassie: [laughs] Okay...

Dialogue

Cassie: Dad, you forgot something. Bob: Baby, don't interrupt Dad's handsome new bosses, okay? Cassie: Sure, but the RV's rolling away.

Dialogue

Billy: Hi, Mr. Munro. Bob: Hi, Billy. I'm just... Billy: Wow! You sure got a nice one. Bob: What? Billy: That's a nice laptop. Bob: Oh, thanks. What are you doing up? Billy: I have a sleep disorder. I haven't slept since I was 5. Bob: So you just wander around the campground? Billy: Yeah, I don't really mind. It's the only time I have alone. [Bob chuckles briefly] Well, see ya. [walks away]

Dialogue

Cassie: You know what's scary is that this is rush hour. Carl: Mom, there's never going to be any other cars on this road. [suddenly, the horn honks the Star Trek theme] Jamie: [notices the horn, in surprise] Oh, my God! [she, Carl and Cassie turn around and see the Gornickes in their bus. It then shows the bus on the highway] Mary Jo: [from inside the bus] Where's your husband? Jamie: [from inside the bus] Don't ask. Could you possibly take us to an airport? Cassie: [notices the stuff on the table] What's this? Earl: Oh, I gotta study for my stupid placement test. Cassie: [slyly] Oh, like some sort of vocational training? Earl: College. Cassie: How old are you? Earl: 15 and a half. I jumped a grade. Moon, though, she skipped two grades. Cassie: [surprised] Wow. You guys are smart.

Dialogue

Carl: Does anyone have a vomit bag? Jamie: Are you sick? Carl: Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.

Dialogue

Bob: [after he slides onto the front window of Gornickes' bus] JAMIE!!! Travis: [astonished] Bob?! Jamie: Are you an idiot?! Do you want to see your father bouncing down the highway?! Bob: What are you doing with the Partridge Family? Jamie: WHAT WERE YOU DOING ON TOP OF THE BUS?!? Bob: Because I was chasing you! You win! I blew off my job because I can't live without you. You happy? Jamie: I never asked you to blow off your job! I wanted you to be honest with me! Bob: [confused] Honest? Like, "Todd's gonna fire me if I go to Boulder" honest? "Screw Hawaii" honest? Jamie: [tearfully, yet confused] Oh, I see. You think that if you told me you were in trouble and your job was in jeopardy, that I'd give you a hard time about it? Bob: No crying, that's cheating. Jamie: [in a normally worried tone] Do you think I'm some horrible witch that doesn't care? I do care! I care a lot! [shoves Bob] In fact, I hate you, jerk. Bob: [sadly] I didn't want you to know I was in trouble. You and Cassie an

Dialogue

Bob: Hey, guess what? Jamie: [offscreen] What? Bob: We need gas. [Cassie groans] And I really have to go to the bathroom. Jamie: You know, we have one of those. Bob: Yeah, but after my last little shower of sadness... Jamie: Okay, okay, do what you have to do. Bob: Oh, I-I-I've got an ICBM coming! Cassie: Ugh! Bob: [mutters to himself] If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.

Dialogue

Cassie: Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house. Jamie: What? Cassie: Oh, my god. It's your husband.

Dialogue

Bob: Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late. I just came down from the mountain, and next time I'll use the road. I guess you guys didn't get the memo about "extreme casual". I love your wilderness so much that I decided to wear it. [Todd bursts with laughter] Easy, Todd. It's been kind of a-a wild journey getting here. If you ever wanna really find out about yourself, put your family in an RV and, uh, drive. I've seen some amazing stuff. I've, uh, fought wild raccoons and won. I've been in the desert to a place where it's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. [referring to the Gornickes] And...I met this weird family. I mean, boy, they were strange. You know, whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten. In the dictionary, under "hootenanny", it says "See: them". And you know what's strange about them. [turns to the Gornickes] They're just honest, good people and it's an honor to have them as friends. [turns to Garry and Larry, about Alpine] Garry, Larry, thi