Quotes

Others

Rhonda LeBeck: Did you notice anything weird a minute ago? Walter Chang: Earl. Here's some swiss cheese and some bullets.

Dialogue

Melvin Plug: [discovering the gun Burt gave him is empty] Burt, you asshole! There's no bullets in this gun! Burt Gummer: [taking the gun back with a smile] Got you moving, didn't it?

Dialogue

Valentine McKee: STAMPEDE! Stampede, Earl! Get out of the way, get out of the way! Earl Bassett: [waking up] You dumb shit. I was in a stampede once. Five hundred head, all hell-bent for the horizon. Valentine McKee: Now, exactly how many cattle are required for a stampede, Earl? Is it three or more? Is there a minimum to 'pede? Earl Bassett: I wish they'd stampede up your ass.

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Earl Bassett: [pricks his hand while setting up a fence] I ask ya: Is this a job for an intelligent man? Valentine McKee: Well, show me one. I'll ask him.

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Earl Bassett: Dammit, Valentine! You never go for any girl unless she fits that stupid list of yours from top to bottom. Valentine McKee: Well, sure. Earl Bassett: Yeah, and it's dumber than my hind end! Like that Bobbie Lynn Dexter. Valentine McKee: Tammy Lynn Baxter! Earl Bassett: Doesn't matter. They're all the same: dead weight. "Ooh, I broke a nail!" Ugh! Makes my skin crawl. Valentine McKee: I'm a victim of circumstance. Earl Bassett: I thought you called it your pecker?

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: No breakfast? Valentine McKee: I did it yesterday. It was baloney and beans. Earl Bassett: No, it was eggs. I made eggs. Over easy. Valentine McKee: The hell you did! Baloney and beans. It's your turn! Valentine McKee: Well, I guess when I'm your age, I'll forget what I eat, too.

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: [Valentine has just freed the truck from a hangup, after a struggle] Y'know, that's a good way to break an axle. Valentine McKee: Could you shut up? Earl Bassett: Hey, I don't need to spend the night out here! Valentine McKee: [long pause] Crybaby.

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Valentine McKee: Must be a million of them! Earl Bassett: Nope, just one!

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: Stupid son-of-a-bitch, knocked itself cold! Valentine McKee: Cold, my ass, he's dead! We killed it. We killed it! FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU! [laughs]

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: Hey, Rhonda. You ever seen anything like this before? Valentine McKee: Oh, sure, Earl, everybody knows about them. We just didn't tell you. Hell, nobody ever saw anything like this! We're really onto something here! Earl Bassett: I'll tell you one thing: Old Chang won't be getting his slick mitts on this for no measly 15 bucks! Valentine McKee: You got that right!

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: [yelling] AHHH! AHHH! Valentine McKee: What? What is it? Earl Bassett: Damn prairie dog burrow. Valentine McKee: Sons a bitches.

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Valentine McKee: [joking] I've got it: They're mutations caused by radiation. No, wait- the government made 'em. *Big* surprise for the Russians. Rhonda LeBeck: Well, there's nothing like them in the fossil record. Okay, so they predate the fossil record. [not buying it herself] That'd make them a couple of billion years old, and we've just never seen one until now. Right. Earl Bassett: I vote for outer space. No way these are local boys.

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: They must be long gone by now. Valentine McKee: Yeah. Hey, why don't you go take a little stroll and find out?

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: You know, we're gonna have to come up with some sort of plan, or he's just gonna wait us to death. Valentine McKee: Well, why don't we just make a run for it? We outran 'em yesterday. Earl Bassett: Run for it?! Runnin's not a plan- runnin's what you when a plan fails! Valentine, you're not even trying to think of a plan. Valentine McKee: Well, it ain't like we got a hell of a lot of options. Earl Bassett: Oh, there's always options. We just gotta think of 'em. Valentine McKee: All right, why don't you start thinkin', then? Earl Bassett: Why the hell do I always gotta do all the thinking? Valentine McKee: Who died and made you Einstein? Rhonda LeBeck: Hey, shut up!

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Rhonda LeBeck: No, you don't understand, these creatures are absolutely unprecedented. Nestor: Yeah, but where do they come from?

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Earl Bassett: Dammit, I'm gonna kick his ass! Valentine McKee: I'm gonna help you.

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Valentine McKee: [speaking to Burt over a radio and is trying to tell him about the Graboids] Burt, it's under the ground! It's an underground monster! Now get out! Hurry! Burt Gummer: [over the radio, as a Graboid comes through his rec room wall] Jesus Chri...!

Dialogue

Burt Gummer: [over the radio] We killed it, you got that!? We killed that motherhumper, come back! Valentine McKee: Roger that, Burt, and congratulations. Be advised, however, that there are two more, repeat, two more motherhumpers.

Dialogue

Heather Gummer: You didn't get penetration even with the elephant gun?! Burt Gummer: Shit! Heather Gummer: Good lord!

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Valentine McKee: What's it doing, Rhonda? Rhonda LeBeck: Why do you keep asking me?

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Rhonda LeBeck: They only respond to vibration, right? Couldn't we distract them somehow? Valentine McKee: Yeah, something to keep 'em busy, like a- like a decoy! Earl Bassett: Hey Melvin, wanna make a buck?

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Earl Bassett: Damn it, listen to me. I'm older and wiser. Valentine McKee: Yeah, well, you're half right.

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Valentine McKee: What the hell's in those things, Burt? Burt Gummer: A few household chemicals in the proper proportions.

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Valentine McKee: We can't hold still long! These things are damn smart! They're getting smarter by the minute! Burt Gummer: That's fine! [Holds up a stick of dynamite] We got some new things to teach 'em!

Dialogue

I think I have a plan. Why don't we throw a bomb the way we want to go, and then when it goes off, we run like goddamn bastards! Pardon my French.

Dialogue

Earl Bassett: What kind of fuse is that? Burt Gummer: Cannon fuse. Earl Bassett: What the hell do you use it for? Burt Gummer: My cannon!