Quotes

The Soft Touch [1.10]

Adam Green: You may as well walk in there wearing an "I am a sucker" T-shirt. Ellen: I actually have one of those. I can't believe I paid $60 for it!

Saint Ellen [2.2]

Page: Can't you just take one night off and help me, please? Ellen: Page, there are 250,000 homeless people on our streets who would love to take the night off. Page: Not if they had to spend it with you. Ellen: Joe, what's everybody's problem? Joe: Well, life is essentially meaningless, yet death terrifies us.

The Trainer [2.9]

In a way it's good to have your hopes stashed, it's liberating. Takes the pressure off. Now I'm free to face each day for the joyless vacuum that it is.

The Apartment Hunt [2.14]

Audry: Sometimes when God closes a door he opens a window. Ellen: I know, I just feel like I wanna jump out of it.

Guns 'N Ellen [2.17]

I had one, but someone stole it.

The Sleep Clinic [2.18]

Ellen: Haven't you ever had sex dreams about people? Page: Ellen, I'm a doer, not a dreamer.

Gladiators [2.19]

Ellen: I'm going up against Ice? Mike Adamle: Right here, right now. What do you think about that? Ellen: I'll kill her. Mike Adamle: Oh, that's the spirit. Ellen: No no no, I mean it. I'll kill you, Ice, you hear me? You're a dead woman. You are one dead gladiator. When I'm done with you, you won't even be a gladiator, you'll be a sadiator!

$5,000 [2.20]

Ellen: Joe, relax. Nobody is looking for canadians. Joe: Oh yeah, tell it to my friend Dylan. Ho, you can't, that's right, 'cause he's dead. Plugged from his cushy job as a lifeguard at Zuma Beach, taken up to The Yukon, thrown out of a moving truck with only his Speedos on. He froze to death before he hit the ground. (Joe removes his glasses and wipe tears) Ellen: Joe, that's a sad story. Any of it true? Joe: No.

Three Strikes [2.21]

Page: I don't know about all this. It's just, it sort of seems like a big waste of time. Ellen: What does? Page: You know, caring.

Three Strikes [2.21]

Just think about it, because of what we are about to do, all of god's creatures will rest easy tonight. Except for the animals up all night hunting and killing each other. But you know, that's their business.

The Therapy Episode [2.22]

Adam: Page, have sex with me. Maybe my seed will live on with you. Page: Oh. If we're all gonna die how will your seed gonna live on with me? Adam: I don't know, I read somewhere that women have an extra layer of fat. You are gonna survive longer in the cold. Page: Oh, that's supposed to be turning me on?

The Therapy Episode [2.22]

Ellen: I was sure we were gonna die. Therapist: And what were you feeling? Ellen: Fear. Therapist: So you fear death? Ellen: Yeah. I guess that's why they call me Crazy Ellen. That and a tremendous amount of guilt. Therapist: Guilt? About what? Ellen: My whole life. Things I did do, things I didn't. Things I would've do but didn't do. Things I did do but shouldn't have done. Things I left undone and could've done but didn't do.

The Shower Scene [3.3]

Ellen: Ever think about having a baby, Joe? Joe: O.k., I know where this is going, but I'm sorry, Ellen, I could never have a child with a woman I don't love. Ellen: I'm not asking you to have the baby with me. Joe: I certainly can't have the baby without you.

Oh, Sweet Rapture [3.15]

Joe: Ellen, I know what you mean, I kinda miss Audrey too. Ellen: Really? Joe: Yeah, it's kind of a drag not having her here. She does all the work I don't wanna do. Ellen: That would be all the work. Joe: Well, yeah. It's like a nose hair. You hate it being there, but it hurts when you yank it out. Spence: See, then you should write for Hallmark.

Ellen: With Child [3.17]

Ellen: I just think I'd be a really cool mom. Page: It's a lot harder than it looks. Ellen: What could be so hard? I mean, you just remember everything you parents did – and then you do the opposite.

Too Hip for the Room [3.21]

Ellen: There comes a point in your life when you just stop dreaming and you start doing. Spence: Wait, I thought you were never supposed to stop dreaming. Ellen: Don't confuse me, I know what I want now. And I've... I wanna take a shower.

Too Hip for the Room [3.21]

Ellen: Joe, this is aweful, this is terrible. Do you see what's going on here? The Shapiros are up there performing their hearts out to get people to laugh. And you know what they're doing? They laugh at them. That is not funny. Joe: Ellen, that's exactly what you wanted. The place is packed, you're making money. Ellen: I can't take this money, it's blood money. The Shapiros think they're good. I feel like the guy who owned the Elephant Man. Joe: Ellen, these people paid good money to see really bad act. Don't you think our customers deserve the worst?

When the Vow Breaks: Part 2 [3.26]

Page: All I know is I have to go through this. I mean, our friends are waiting down there, and we have paid for this wedding, and as far as kissing Spence, it is not that big of a deal, because we have done it before. Ellen: What? What? What? Page: It was whe - It was when we - Ellen: I'm not finished. What?

When the Vow Breaks: Part 2 [3.26]

Page: It was one of those things, for, if I didn't say it out loud, then maybe it's ain't really happened. Ellen: Oh, yeah, yeah, so like, if a bra falls in the backseat of a car, and nobody there to hear it, maybe it didn't fall at all?

Give Me Equity or Give Me Death [4.1]

Seven years. Seven years I've been coming down here doing laundry. If I had a quarter for every quarter I spent doing laundry, I wouldn't have spent any money.

A Deer Head for Joe [4.2]

Ellen: Oh, I hope that's another phone. Ed: No, no. I shot this, baby. Ellen: Please tell me it was self defense.

Splitsvile, Man [4.3]

Lois Morgan: We just sort of... fell out of love, I guess. Ellen: So you fell out of love. You can fall back in love. It's like bell bottoms, wait 15 years it'll come back around again. Harold Morgan: Honey, I wish there was some way we can make this easy for you, but we can't. Ellen: This so out of nowhere. Put yourself in my shoes. What if I said something shocking to you like my whole life has been a lie, and I'm really... left-handed? Lois Morgan: Oh God, you're a lefty? Ellen: No I'm not...

The Parent Trap [4.4]

Dr. Whitcomb: Why don't we all take a seat... So, what's been going on? Dr. Whitcomb: One at a time, please. Ellen: I think I should speak since I'm basically impartial. Okay. My parents are deeply in love. They're having some problems but their one wish is to stay together for the rest of my life. We all on board?

The Parent Trap [4.4]

Page: Ellen, this isn't easy to say, but I think it might help: I told you so. Audry: I know a certain fruit headed girl who could use a Rourke Mickey right now. (Audry salps Ellen's head) Ellen: Do you think this is helping? Have you ever seen the show Friends? They're supportive of each other. Joe: Come on, let's grab a drink. I know a bar we'll be fit right in.

Looking Out for Number One [4.5]

Ellen: I'm sure she had a perfectly good reason. Joe: Yeah, yeah. Maybe she was marking her territory to keep other therapists out of the area. Ellen: Okay, enough. We have been talking about this long enough. We are mature adults. Can we talk about something else? Has anybody read a book recently? Joe: I did. I read this story, Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly. Joe: I always thought the P in psychologist was silent.

The Bubble Gum Incident [4.6]

Ellen: Good morning. Page: Not, for my nails it isn't. My manicurist up and left last night for her father's funeral, like, canceling my appointment is gonna bring him back?

The Bubble Gum Incident [4.6]

Therapist: Why don't we start with you telling me why you did this to your best friend? Ellen: Page is her name. Hum, well, I didn't think it was gonna be that big of a deal and I thought it'd be kinda funny. Therapist: Did Page think it was funny? Ellen: Well, okay. You know how sometimes people laugh so hard that they cry? It was like that without the laughter.

Not So Great Expectations [4.8]

Ellen: Did you and Vic...? Lois: No. No, honey, Vic didn't get into my jeans tonight. I could hardly get into my jeans tonight.

The Pregnancy Test [4.9]

Ellen: How could this happen? I mean, weren't you careful? Page: Well, of course. I don't know, what are the chances of this? It's like one in a million. You think we did it that many times? Ellen: Yes, I do.

Bowl, Baby, Bowl [4.11]

Ed: What are you doing? Ellen: I saw a fly. I wanted to kill it. Maybe you can put its head next to the deer up there on the wall.

Fleas Navidad [4.12]

Boy, Ellen DeGeneres, I love her show. Do you think the rumors are true?

Makin' Whoopie [4.15]

A doctor in a doctors' party: I would say it was a very complicated procedure because, of course, the lung tissue has to adhere to the chest cavity. Ellen: Maybe if they would have flossed their chest more often, they wouldn't have the cavity.

Ellen's Deaf Comedy Jam [4.17]

Matt: Remember that weekend we had a night picnic on the beach and I gave you those diamond earrings? Page: Matt, how do I say this? It's really over between us. Matt: I know, that's why I want the earrings back.

The Puppy Episode

Ellen: You know how you said in the room, you know, that you thought, maybe I was, you know, and I said, “no, no, no, no,” well, I was thinking about it, and I think that maybe I am, er, I am … I guess what I’m trying to say is … I did get the joke about the toaster oven. Susan: Are you saying what I think you’re trying to say? Ellen: What do you think I’m trying to say? Susan: Oh, I’m not going to say it again and be wrong. Ellen: No, you’re not wrong. You’re right. This is so hard. But I think I’ve realized that I am … I can’t even say the word. Why can’t I say the word, I mean, why can’t I just say … I mean, what is wrong, why do I have to be so ashamed, why can’t I just see the truth, I mean, be who I am, I’m thirty-five years old… I’m so afraid to tell people. I mean, I’m just…Susan… (Ellen turns back towards Susan, putting one hand on the counter and accidentally pressing the PA system) I’m gay. Ellen: I don’t know, I thought if I just ignored it, it would just go away and I coul

Guys or Dolls [5.1]

Page: Just give this one a shot, O.K.? I'm running out of lesbians. Ellen: Well, you know, we're not reproducing like we used to.

Roommates [5.3]

Harold: Elli, maybe you should get yourself a roommate? Ellen: Yeah, maybe I'll go to a roommate bar and try to get one.

Just Coffee [5.5]

Spence: I'm just saying: wait a week before you call, and then get her name slightly wrong, so you don't seem interested. Ellen: Better yet: I'll wait a year and spit on her when I see her. Page: You know, I'm maybe old fashioned but I don't think the woman should ever call. Ellen: That may not be practical on this case, Page.

G. I. Ellen [5.6]

Elli, I want you to have this sword. This has been in the Morgan family for years. Your great great grandfather used this sword in 1865, at the reenactment of the war of 1812.

Public Display of Affection [5.7]

Ellen: Why don't you tell me a little about yourself? Holly: Like what? Ellen: Start at the beginning. Holly: I was conceived through artificial insemination.

Public Display of Affection [5.7]

Wow, you're really lucky to be raised this way. You're just an amazing kid. And no matter how screwed up you'd get when you get older, you can always tell your psychiatrist "I know it's not my childhood."

Like a Virgin [5.9]

The truth is, I haven't been with that many women. I mean, the number of women I've been with you can count on no hands.

Break Up [5.11]

Holly: Can I watch TV? Thanks! Laurie: Okay, but don't go flipping the channels, because you never know what's going to be on. Ellen: Oh, come on. I'm sure if there was something objectionable on, there'll be a warning.

Break Up [5.11]

Joe: Spence, you should check out this performance artist show, she has the whole thing in the nude. Spence: Wow, is it really good? Joe: Spence, nude doesn't has to be good, nude just has to be nude.

Ellen in Focus [5.15]

Page: I need you to be a part of the focus group. Ellen: Focus group? Page: Mmm. When they go down to the mall, and they round up a bunch of yokels, you know, average people, like you. They sit around and they watch my show and whatever they like is in, and whatever they hate - out. Ellen: Well, I don't get it. Wouldn't that lead to a lot of blend shows without originality or point of view? Ah, it all suddenly makes sense now.

Ellen in Focus [5.15]

One out of ten men are under five feet tall. Maybe more, we may have missed a few.

When Ellen Talks, People Listen [5.21]

Would it be so hard to reach out and offer a helping hand? Just go next door and say: howdy, neighbor. You realize that if everybody in LA would do this... well, there'd be nobody home. They'd all be next door, wouldn't they?