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Narrator: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention AND its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into The Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as BATMAN AND ROBIN, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue! The Riddler: Question: Who's going to make the feathers fly and knock Batman and Robin out of the sky? The Joker: Have you heard this one? It'll KILL you, Batman! [laughs] Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is gonna scramble. Batman and Robin!

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Batman: You there, Miss... Miss Kitka: Comrade Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff. I am from the Moscow Bugle.

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Miss Kitka: If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture? Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask? Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad! Batman: Please...Chief O'Hara...all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant. Miss Kitka: Impossible? Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed. Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters. Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are. Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know. Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes... Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans. Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no? Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law. Robin: Support

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Gordon: Could be any one of them, but which one? W...Which ones? O'Hara: [gasps] Batman: Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder. Gordon: You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin. Robin: But wait, it happened at sea. See? "C" for Catwoman. Batman: Yet, an exploding shark....was pulling my leg. Gordon: The Joker! O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler? Gordon: Oh, a thought strikes me. [exhales] So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance. Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined.... Robin: Holy nightmare!

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Commissioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler...and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate. Batman: We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over- Chief O'Hara: Take over what, Batman? Gotham City? Batman: Any two of them would try that! Commissioner Gordon: The whole country? Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but four? Their minimum objective must be...the entire world.

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Pirate: Ahoy, Catwoman! Miss Kitka: [slaps him] Imbecile, How many times have I told you? Never use my real name in public!

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Riddler: [to the Penguin] You and your trained exploding shark! Penguin: Faugh, Quack! How should I know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy? Why, you sniveling sardine! Riddler: Why you pompous, puffed-up penguin! Joker: Oh, friends, make peace. Have a shake on me. [shakes their hands, and the two are electrified; Joker laughs manically, and shows he is wearing joy buzzers on his hands] A joke a day keeps the gloom away! Catwoman: [to her cat] Sic 'em, Hecate. Scratch out their eyes. Penguin: Take away that ravenous panther! Riddler: So help me, Catwoman, I'll feed him to the birds! Joker: I'll incapacitate the beast with my trick confetti! Catwoman: United Underworld? [scoffs as she picks up her cat] We're about as united as the members of the United World Headquarters on Gotham East River. What's the matter with you all? Riddler: She's right. she's right! If we don't manage to somehow swallow our supercriminal pride, I'm afraid- Penguin: Right, Mr. Riddler, quite rig

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Riddler: I see the way to do it. We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here. Penguin: How? Riddler: How? The end. The end, oh... [giggles] We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus! [giggles again] The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You, Catwoman!

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Robin: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. Batman: Roger. Ready to move out.

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Mr. Bluebeard, down 30 fathoms! Run silent, run deep!

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If I could just reverse the polarity...send out waves of super-energy...

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He must be using a Super-Energy Reverse Polarizer!

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Confound it! The batteries are dead!

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Robin: Gosh, Batman. The nobility of the almost-human porpoise. Batman: True, Robin. It was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours.

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Fangschliester: Answer affirmative, Batman! We disposed of a war surplus submarine last Friday. A pre-atomic model. To some chap named, uh, "P. N. Guin". Batman: P. N. Guin? Robin: The Penguin! Batman: Did this P. N. Guin leave an address? Fangschliester: No, just a post office box number. Would you like it? Batman: No, thank you, Admiral. [gritting his teeth] You've been very helpful. Fangschliester: Avast and belay, Batman. Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we? Batman: [slowly] Disposing of pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses?! Good day, Admiral! Fangschliester: Gosh!

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Batman: One: "What has yellow skin and writes?" Robin: A ballpoint banana. Batman: Right! Two: "What people are always in a hurry?" Robin: Rushing people? Russians! Batman: Right again! Now, what would you say they mean? Robin: Banana...Russian...I've got it! Someone Russian is gonna slip on a banana peel and break their neck! Batman: Precisely, Robin! The only possible meaning!

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Alfred: What is the scheme, sir? Batman: Tonight, Bruce Wayne will go out on the town with Miss Kitka. Alfred: A not-displeasing chore, sir. Batman: Indeed, Alfred! I've rarely met a girl who's such a potent argument in favor of international "relations".

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Careful, careful. quack, quack. Every one of them has a mother.

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Robin: When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four super crooks hangin' around here, it's amazing somebody hasn't already reported this place to the police! Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions. Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

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Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!

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Robin: The pirates - they're gone! Popped like balloons! How'd it happen? Batman: Whoever de-hydrated those pirates could not have foreseen their accidental re-hydration with the heavy water we use in recharging the atomic pile! Robin: Which naturally left them in a highly unstable condition! Batman: You saw it yourself, Robin. The [slaps his hands together] SLIGHTEST impact was sufficient to instantly reduce them to anti-matter! Robin: Antimatter? You mean they won't be coming back? Batman: No, Robin. Not in this universe. [they jump down from the Bat consoles] Let that be an object lesson in the dangers of tampering with the laws of Mother Nature.

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Batman: "What goes up white, and comes down yellow and white?" Robin: An egg! Batman: "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?" Robin: Make apple sauce! Batman: Apples into apple sauce; a unification into one smooth mixture. An egg: nature's perfect container the container of all our hopes for the future! Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization! Batman: Precisely, Robin!

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Robin: Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman! Batman: Let's hope it's a stitch in time, Robin! That saves nine of the nine members of the United World Security Council!

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Catwoman: Riddler. Riddler: Yes? Catwoman: You're mad, Riddler. Penguin finished Batman by now. Riddler: Why, that miserable waddling mountebank of a bird? He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn! [giggles] Joker: So, say Penguin failed. All the more reason not to have that your crazy clues. Riddler: Oh, But I must, I must. Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my joy, my heaven on earth, my very paradise. [giggles again] Joker: Riddler, come back!

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Penguin: That's too soon! It must be Batcharges! Riddler: And that means there'll be more of the dread things meant for us! Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, Where has it got us now?! Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!

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Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity. Let's go, but, inconspicuously...through the window. We'll use our Batropes. [long pause] Our job is finished.