Clerks II

Elias: I've turned down chicks left and right! Randal: Your chicks are your left and right.

Clerks II, CC BY-SA 4.0

Randal: Dude, The Transformers sucked. Elias: Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day. Randal: Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house 'cause you're all Christian and shit. Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God. Randal: Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers. Elias: [Pause] Nice shot. Well, see... ạt Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal! Randal: No sir. They are not a gift from God.

Clerks II, CC BY-SA 4.0

Elias: Randal. One ring to rule them all. Randal: And you wonder why no chick'll let you stick your cock in her. Elias: I never wondered that. Randal: Yeah, 'cause you've accepted the fact that you'll never get a chick a long time ago. Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted. Randal: [Laughs] Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick, you mook. You're too weird and sad. Elias: I turn down chicks left and right. Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right." Yeah, right. Elias: What do you know? Randal: Uh, I know you're a huge fuck' nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings. Elias: [Laughs quietly] Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal. Randal: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the Torch of Gondor. Elias: Oh, you're so gross! [A customer approaches Elias at the counter] Hobbit Fan: Hey, man. [Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order] Elias: Welcom

Clerks II, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dante: Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site? Randal: Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all. Dante: Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that? Randal: Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. 'Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself? Randal: Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you? Elias: You know I have a girlfriend, Randal. Randal: Oh, yeah. What's her name again? Elias: Myra Hodgkiss. Randal: You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up. Elias: No. Randal: Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet? Elias: Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal. Randal: Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell m

Clerks II, CC BY-SA 4.0

Elias: [Removing a smoking black basket of fries] I don't think these look right. Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive! Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post! Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously?

Clerks II, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dante Hicks: This guy found a way to reach out to a world he feels isolated from, and you found a way to take issue with it. Randal Graves: Oh, sure, take his side. Dante Hicks: Have you become so embittered that you feel the need to attack the handicapped? Randal Graves: What "handicapped"? He's just in a wheelchair. It's not like he's Anne Frank or something. Dante Hicks: [confused] Anne Frank? Randal Graves: Yeah, Anne Frank. The chick who was all [idiot voice] "duhhh!" until the Miracle Worker showed up and knocked some smarts into her. Dante Hicks: You're talking about Helen Keller. Randal Graves: No, I'm not. I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb, and blind. Dante Hicks: No, she wasn't! Helen Keller was deaf, dumb, and blind. Randal Graves: Are you sure? Dante Hicks: Yep. Randal Graves: Then who the fuck is Anne Frank? Dante Hicks: Anne Frank was the little Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis in a little room with her family She wrote ạ diary. Randal Graves: Oh, yeah. W

Clerks II, CC BY-SA 4.0