Top Gear, series 8

Jeremy: Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof. Jeremy: Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig. Jeremy: Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting. Jeremy: [Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum! Jeremy: [About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12... Jeremy: You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes

Top Gear (series 8), CC BY-SA 4.0

Jeremy: Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show. Jeremy: Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig. James: Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right. Richard: That might be useful if you are a bit thick James: [...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway. Jeremy: Very important message there...somewhere. Anyway, it's time to move on... Richard: Just stop talking now. James: I don't like the clock. Richard: Save it! James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover. Richar

Top Gear (series 8), CC BY-SA 4.0

Jeremy: Tonight: I get a hot head..."Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog "Help!"; And James has some trouble with wind. Jeremy: Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig. Jeremy: Hamster! How it's going? Richard: Very well, thank you, very well indeed! Jeremy: What are you doing? What've you got? Richard: Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner. Jeremy: I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it? Richard: Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions. Jeremy: And what're you going in terms of propulsion? Richard: Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power. Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest. J

Top Gear (series 8), CC BY-SA 4.0

Jeremy: Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track. Richard: Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig. Richard: Welcome to Greenpeace Hell. Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive. Jeremy: What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them? Jeremy: I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered! Jeremy: [to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that? Richard: So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed

Top Gear (series 8), CC BY-SA 4.0

Jeremy: Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Stewart teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already. Jeremy: Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig. James: OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um - Jeremy and Richard: Legacy. James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter] Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly. Richard: Ye

Top Gear (series 8), CC BY-SA 4.0

Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday! Jeremy: Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig. Jeremy: [On the Mazda 6 MPS] And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go 'blblblbl' and fall to pieces because it's got four wheel drive. James: [on film clip] It's not wide enough! Richard: You would look such a spanner in that! James: No I wouldn't! Richard: Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you’re sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair! Jeremy: Okay, remind me. Who were the last 4 teams in the World Cup? All European. Women's finalists at Wimbledon; both European. Men's finalists; both European. Everyth

Top Gear (series 8), CC BY-SA 4.0