Quotes

Others

Chad: You couldn't write a paper that clashes more with the current climate if you were trying. And it seems like you almost were trying. General Miller: This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you've been there, once you've seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. [pause] It's like France.

Dialogue

Judy Molloy: Mark, you're coordinating the millennium goals on the press release, aren't you? Mark: Yes. Judy Molloy: Coordinate it better, please.

Dialogue

Simon Foster: [In a radio interview] Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable. Malcolm Tucker: Sam! Sam! Eddie Mair: [On radio] "Unforeseeable"? Simon Foster: [On radio] Yes. Malcolm Tucker: No, you do not think that! Sam, I'm going to have to go to International Development and pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.

Dialogue

Simon Foster: Who was that? Judy Molloy: Malcolm. He's coming to see you. Simon Foster: Oh shit, he's still alive. When's he due? Malcolm Tucker: [Entering the room] Now. And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead.

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: [to Toby] Hey, foetus boy, lesson one: If I tell you to fuck off, what do you do? Toby Wright: Umm... Eff off? Malcolm Tucker: You'll go far! Now fuck off. Toby Wright: Right. [leaves the room] Simon Foster: Judy and I were thinking that I could row back on Question Time tonight— Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time, you've been disinvited. Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time! Judy Molloy: Why wasn't I told about this? Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you it?! I've told you to fuck off twice, and yet you're still here! Judy Molloy: You should tell me about it because it's a scheduled media appearance by this department's secretary of state, so therefore it falls well within my purview! Malcolm Tucker: "Within your purview"? Judy Molloy: Yes! Malcolm Tucker: Where do you think you are, in some fucking regency costume drama?! This is a government department! Not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Simon Foster: Malcolm... Malcolm Tucker:

Dialogue

Simon Foster: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why didn't we nail the line?! Judy Molloy: Simon, I did try to warn you. Simon Foster: Yes! Yes! You did try to warn me, but you don't actually stop me, did you?! Judy Molloy: I can't tackle you to the ground! Simon Foster: That's like shouting "Train!" as someone gets hit by a train! You should go, "Train! It's a fucking train!" Judy Molloy: [her phone rings] Bollocks! Simon Foster: [his phone rings also] Fuck, it's Malcolm! Judy Molloy: Mine's Malcolm, too. Simon Foster: How does he do that? Malcolm Tucker: [talking on two mobiles] Simon, I don't like finding out about people employed by this government via the news unless they've just died. Be here, now!

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere. I'm the egg man. Simon Foster: Have you come to insult me in a different timezone?

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: Karen Clark will want you to say that war is unforeseeable, and Linton Barwick will want you to talk about the "climb the mountain of conflict" line. You say nothing, okay? You stay detached, otherwise that's what I'll do to your retinas. Simon Foster: Right, can I go to bed now, please? Malcolm Tucker: No, no, no, no, no! You're gonna stay here, and you're gonna rehearse saying nothing! Simon Foster: Am I being tortured? Linton Barwick: My golly, I can't see why anyone would choose to work in a glass office, huh? Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts. Bob Adriano: I could request the glass be frosted. Linton Barwick: Frosting is on cakes, huh? Now, what else happened in London? Bob Adriano: Ah, generally positive, two glitches... Linton Barwick: Really? What? Bob Adriano: Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers, she's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock. It's called PWIP PIP. Linton Barwick: PWIP what? Bob Adriano: PWIP PIP. Linton Barwi

Dialogue

Simon Foster: I don't want to have to read you the Riot Act here. But I am going to have to read you some extracts from the Riot Act. Like "Section 1, Paragraph 1: Don't leave your boss twisting in the wind, then burst in late, smelling like a pissed seaside donkey." [impersonating Toby] "The British are coming!" Toby Wright: Okay, okay, Simon, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry. But it's not like I threw up in there, is it? Simon Foster: No, you're right. I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done. You're a star. And you didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your dick out, start plucking it and shouting, "Willy Banjo!" No, I'm being really unfair. You got so much right...without actually being there for the beginning of one of the most important moments in my career. Thanks. You're a legend.

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: I'm sorry... I don't... This situation here... Is this it? No offense, son, but you look like you should still be at school with your head down a fucking toilet. A.J. Brown: Your first point there: the offense? I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take it. The second point: I'm twenty-two, but it's my birthday in nine days, so if it'd make you feel more comfortable, we could wait. Malcolm Tucker: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814, and I'm all for doing it again. Starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again, and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat, it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy Bunny! I thought I was led to believe I was attending the War Committee! A.J. Brown: Yes, Assistant Secretary of State Linton Barwick asked me to brief you on the work of the Future Planning Committee. Malcolm Tucker: I'm away. [as A.J.'s assistant walks in with coffee] Oh, and here w

Dialogue

Simon Foster: I've got this covered. Go and find the next thing, talk to that Chad boy. The boy from The Shining. He knows things. Toby Wright: Don't make me pump Chad! Simon Foster: I am making you pump Chad. Go on, it'll be easy-peasy-lemon-squeazy. Toby Wright: No it won't, it'll be difficult-difficult-lemon-difficult, that's what it'll be. (leaving the room) Have a lovely afternoon. Stop a war for me.

Dialogue

Linton Barwick: So, welcome to the somewhat engorged session of the Future Planning Committee. Karen Clark: Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels it feels like there's already been an assumption that we're invading. Don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications? I mean, this is, after all, the war committee. Linton Barwick: Uh, this is the Future Planning Committee. Karen Clark: Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee. Linton Barwick: Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want. (holds up a glass of water) I mean, unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen, it is a glass of water. And this is the Future Planning Committee. General Miller: (holding his own glass of water) Uh, unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: (to Barwick) Linton! Linton! Linton Barwick: (turns around) Mr. Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again. (handshake) Malcolm Tucker: Are you fucking me about? Linton Barwick: (chuckles) Is there a problem, Mr. Tucker? Malcolm Tucker: I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child. Linton Barwick: Oh, you're talking about A.J. He's one of our top guys. He's one of our brightest and best. Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, well, his briefing notes were written in Alphabetti Spaghetti. When I left I nearly tripped over his fucking umbilical cord. Linton Barwick: Well, I'm sorry that it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age. But can we just move on to what's really important? Now I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you to supply us with some, let's say "fresh", British Intelligence, is that true? Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, apparently your fucking master race of highly-gifted toddlers can't get the job done. Linton Barwick: All right. Malc

Dialogue

Toby Wright: [Looking at the Washington Monument] See that? Pull that out, America deflates. Malcolm Tucker: Yeah, it's very easy to mock. The closest you'll ever get to seeing one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone.

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: [reading a newspaper] "While Foster jets around at the taxpayer's expense, his constituent's wall is collapsing and he doesn't give a shit!" Simon Foster: It doesn't say that. Malcolm Tucker: No, but it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit"! Simon Foster: Wall-Ace, though! Malcolm Tucker: You're being portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire, and that's going some! I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to someone else. [shouts outside his office] Jamie! Simon Foster: Ah, the crossest man in Scotland. Jamie MacDonald: [enters the office] Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty! Simon Foster: What is this? Surround bollocking? Jamie MacDonald: Hey, with all due respect I wasn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless... egg cunt. Now I'm finished. Simon Foster: Hi, Jamie! This is Toby! Toby Wright: Hi, I'm Simon's aide. Jamie MacDonald: Toby, very nice to meet you, please, sit down. Right, that's enough all

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: General Flintstone? Was it you? Did you leak PWIP-PIP? I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax? General Miller: No, I didn't leak PWIP-PIP, I do everything up-front. I'm not like some creepy little gay mercenary who sneaks around doing other people's dirty work. Malcolm Tucker: I'm doing my own dirty work. I'm doing my job. General Miller: No, I think you are doing Linton's dirty work. You're his little English bitch and you don't even know it. I bet if I went to your hotel room tonight, I'd see you down on all fours with little fishnets on, with him hanging out the back of you. Malcolm Tucker: Oh, that's nice! That's really tough talk coming from the fucking armchair general! Why don't you put your feet up on the pouffe and go back to sleep, why don't you? General Miller: Look, Tucker, you might be some scary little poodle-fucker back there in London, but out here you're nothing. You know what you look like? A squeezed dick. You've got a big, blue ve

Dialogue

Michael Rodgers: Suzy, well done. This is absolutely superb. Jamie McDonald: [entering the room] Hey, Horse of the Year, was it you? Suzy: Was what me? Jamie McDonald: ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION! WAS IT YOU?! Suzy: Was what me, Jamie? I—I—I have no idea what you're talking about. Michael Rodgers: She can't answer the question, can she? Unless she knows what it is. Jamie McDonald: You leaked Liza Wells' paper to the BBC, right? Now, tell me you leaked it. Suzy: No, I—I didn't leak it. Jamie McDonald: I know the leak came from in here. From this fucking fax machine right here. Suzy: No, there's no— there's no way! Jamie McDonald: [sliding the fax off the table] Do you see what I'm doing to this machine? Suzy: Jamie, don't— [fax falls off the table] Jesus Christ! Fuck! Jamie! What the fuck?! Jamie McDonald: [kicking the fax] Do you see how angry I am with the piece of office equipment that leaked this document?! Huh?! Suzy: Michael— Jamie McDonald: [kicking the fax] Can you even imagine

Dialogue

Karen Clark: So you read Liza's paper I guess. General Miller: I am a voracious reader. I'm the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon. Karen Clark: Gore's gay. General Miller: No he's not. Karen Clark: I beg to differ, but... General Miller: He's gay? 'Cause I've been saying that Gore Vidal line. Karen Clark: He is gay. General Miller: Guess I'd better stop saying that then.

Dialogue

Judy Malloy: I'll- I'll just leave you to your... thoughts. Simon Foster: I haven't got any thoughts! I'm just staring, vacantly into space, while a distant voice in the back of my head goes, "Oh shit," like a car alarm in the middle of the night.

Dialogue

Simon Foster: After the vote... I resign. Malcolm Tucker: OH, FUCK OFF. Resigning?! How fucking impressive! Resign! The horse has bolted, it's out there now, it's getting fucking SHOT! Simon Foster: See you later, Malcolm.

Dialogue

Malcolm Tucker: I know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee. Toby Wright: Oh, right... it wasn't? Malcolm Tucker: "It wasn't?" That's what you're going to say when they come and slip a hood over your head and fly you off to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search? Toby Wright: I don't actually recall. It was a very busy time. Malcolm Tucker: That's better. Okay, I am putting you on a probationary period from today until the end of recorded time. Toby Wright: All right. Malcolm Tucker: Do you understand? Toby Wright: Yes— Malcolm Tucker: You're my guy now, right? I own you, you are my Kunta Kinte— go and get your fucking laptop!

Dialogue

Simon Foster: Yep. That's that, then. Toby Wright: Jolly good. "That's that, then" is your line for the ages, is it? Simon Foster: What? Toby Wright: Well... "I remember the day that war was declared. I turned to the minister and he said, 'That's that, then. Anyone want a mint?'" Simon Foster: Piss off, Toby.

Dialogue

Karen Clark: I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago. And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact. General Miller: I've been thinking. Karen Clark: Yeah? General Miller: This has been the hardest political decision of my career. I'm not going to resign. Karen Clark: Huh? What the fuck, George? General Miller: Before the war, I was going to resign. But now that there's a war on... I can't resign. Karen Clark: You said that this was intolerable. You said we would go together. General Miller: It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it. And I still agree with myself on that. But my loyalty is to the kids—I am a soldier. Karen Clark: You're not a soldier. General Miller: ...I've been a soldier my whole life! What do you mean I'm not a solider? I'm a soldier! Look at the uniform—what do you think, I'm one of the Village People? Karen Clark: When did you shoot a guy last? General Miller: What, just because I haven't shot someone in fifteen years I'm not a s

Dialogue

Simon Foster: God, how ridiculous! And that's news, is it? Malcolm Tucker: It's not ridiculous. It's not ridiculous at all. [beat] You're fired. Simon Foster: What? Malcolm Tucker: Over the wall. [Points at the paper] I mean, that's just not tolerable. Simon Foster: It's a fucking wall, Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker: Look, the Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China, suggesting that you're the only political fuck-up visible from space. Look at this! Look at it! No one could survive this! The PM's very clear about this; you're sacked. Over the wall. Simon Foster: No! Malcolm Tucker: Yes! Simon Foster: You... You haven't--you haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister! Malcolm Tucker: (Mocking Simon's stammer) I--I--I have. Simon Foster: You fucking haven't! I've been standing here right in front of you! Malcolm Tucker: I have spoken to the Prime Minister. Whether it has happened or not is irrelevant, it is true! And he was very clear; you've got to go. Simon Foster:

Deleted scenes

Simon Foster: I think the reason America is a superpower is because everyone who comes here to negotiate is out of their minds with jet-lag. If somebody offered me a pillow now, I'd happily give them Gibraltar. Simon Foster: We'd sent someone round who built some temporary buttresses. Jamie McDonald: And that's your headline response, is it?! "We put up temporary buttresses, says flailing walrus FUCK"?! Jamie McDonald: I went to see that film There Will Be Blood, right? I mean, it's a fucking great title. If somebody says to you, "Do you fancy going to see a film?" "Well, I don't know, will there be blood?" There Will Be Blood, right? "I'm in, I'm in!" I mean, that is a fucking great title for a film. I mean, you couldn't have a better title for a film. Apart from, maybe, There Will Be Tits. You could have a cinema that just shows There Will Be Blood and There Will Be Tits, you don't need any other films. That's the end of cinema right there! Malcolm Tucker: Is this fucking going anywh