Quotes

Pilot [1.01]

Dr. Peters: Okay, why don't we begin with the custody arrangements? Cheyenne: Oh, I wanna live with Dad. Jake: I wanna stay with Mom. Kyra: Is boot camp an option? Kyra: Barbra Jean's pregnant?! Jake: I thought Cheyenne was pregnant! Cheyenne: Shut up, Jake! Kyra: Back off. He's just a stupid kid. Jake: I'm not stupid. She left the pregnancy test in the trash can. Reba: Why is it we're the only house in Texas without a gun? Kyra: So when Daddy marries Barbra Jean, what am I supposed to call her anyway? Reba: You're not supposed to call her anything, when you see her at the Wal-Mart, just point to her and say, "There she is. The woman who stole my daddy." Brock: Reba, I have to marry her! Reba: Have to? The only reason you'd have to marry her is-- Oh my God! Cheyenne: Dad! How could you!? Kyra: Don't worry, Mom, I know all about birth control. Reba: Oh, really? And what age is it appropriate for a young lady to become sexually active? Kyra: 40. Reba: Have I mentioned you're my favorite?

The Honeymoon’s Over Or Now What [1.02]

Barbra Jean: God created women to carry babies and men to carry footballs. Dr. Susan Peters: You are just precious. Reba: My parents gave this pillow to Brock and me for our third aniversary. Kyra: Well, we know it's not a magic pillow. Cheyenne: I need to wear something that says: "Mrs. Montgomery." Kyra: How about a t-shirt that says: "I'm with Stupid?" Reba: Nothing says eternal love like the pooka. Cheyenne: Good, Van fell between the beds, once when we weren't even doing anything! Reba: I really gotta stop asking questions... Van: It doesn't matter where we sleep just as long as I'm with my wife. Cheyenne: My husband. Kyra: My lunch.

Someone’s At the Gyno With Reba [1.03]

Brock: Jake, put that down. The uterus is not a toy. Kyra: Well, that sucked! Reba: Tell me about it! Cheyenne: (as she opens the fridge, which is full of food) There is like nothing in here! Cheyenne: Do you think Dad would care about what kind of bedspread is on the bed?! Reba: It's obvious that your father doesn't care about what's on his bed!

You Make Me Sick [1.04]

Cheyenne: If I could control it I'd do it on you right now. Van: Coach said B.J. was only sick for one day and do you know why that is? Cheyenne: I don't know, something to do with Jesus? Reba: There's no teenage orgy on our lawn. There's a couple frisky squirrels but I just tell Jake they're dancing. Jake: Mom, singing's lame.

The Steaks Are High [1.05]

Van: See...Mrs. H, I'm "Player of the Week." Reba: So I heard...Ungawa Kyra: Mom, you hold them down and I'll whack them with the mallet! Cheyenne: It's Marci & Luanne. They're on the drill team. Kyra: Mom, you hold them down and I'll whack them with the mallet!

The Man and the Moon [1.06]

Brock: Why is your blouse all wet? Reba: I entered a wet blouse contest. Cheyenne: What if the baby logs on one day and sees this? Reba: Don't worry. By the time the baby is old enough to log on, there will be a whole new crop of butts out there.

Tea and Antipathy [1.07]

Cheyenne: Mom, you rolled Van's socks into a ball. Reba: What am I supposed to do with them? Make puppets? Cheyenne: He likes them folded, otherwise they droop. Reba: Things droop, Cheyenne. You'll learn that in life. Reba: Van's mom never sits at the table. She might accidentally eat something. Reba: [to Cheyenne] I have an idea, why don't you go shopping and pick up your husband's special milk? Cheyenne: [laughing] I'm a married woman now. I don't have time to go grocery shopping.

Don't Know Much About History [1.08]

Reba: [to Van] Let me help you study. Van: It won't help, Mrs. H. Reba: Let's give it a try. Let me see that. Well, I can see the trouble started early. You spelled your name wrong. Van: Shoot! I knew that one! Reba: Life doesn't always turn out the way you thought it would. I always thought I'd be a singer. Brock: Who fought the War of 1812? Van: Soldiers. Brock: Which soldiers? Van: I have to know their names!? Cheyenne: No, which country? Van: Oh! I have no idea.

Every Picture Tells a Story [1.09]

Reba: Kyra, Cheyenne just felt the baby move. Kyra: It's probably just gas. Cheyenne: I don't get gas. Kyra: We shared a room. Reba: Lori Ann Garner! Lori Ann: Reba Las Vegas! Lori Ann: [to Reba] Catch me up. How's the divorce going? Reba: Well, right now we're at the "dissolution of property" stage. Lori Ann: Two words of advice: kill him. I took Robert for everything he had. Reba: And he deserved it, sleeping with your housekeeper. Lori Ann: No, That was John, husband number two. I kinda miss him and so does my housekeeper. Van: [to Cheyenne] I told you I'm not going maternity shopping again. Those women look at me like they know what I did. Cheyenne: But I need clothes that make it clear I'm pregnant, not fat.

When Good Credit Goes Bad [1.10]

Reba: Brock, you can't be married to two women at the same time. They even made a law about it! Brock: See, my lawyer told me about this form that you can sign, saying that I can get married before our divorce is actually final. Reba: You want me to sign a permission slip for bigamy? Brock: [to Reba] I know that Barbra Jean asking you to be the maid of honor was a little much, but we do need someone to sing. Reba: I don't think you'd like the song I'd pick.

Meet the Parents [1.11]

Van: It's a heart keychain? Cheyenne: It's because you hold the key to my heart. Reba: [to Brock] If you don't come over, my parents are going to think there's something wrong with this family! Kyra: Hello?

A Mid-Semester's Night Dream [1.12]

Mrs. Hodge: The policy of this school has always been that sex doesn't exist. Reba: How's that working for you? Brock: Reba, how could you start working without consulting me?! Reba: Excuse me, aren't we getting a divorce? Brock: I just don't like the idea about turning Kyra and Jake into latchkey kids. Reba: [to Kyra] I smell your influence here. Kyra: It was latchkey that gave it away, wasn't it?

Brock's Swan Song [1.13]

Reba: Where is John D now? Brock: Oh, I don't know, Reba. I'm not a religious man. Barbara Jean: [to Jake] Do you miss your grandpa? Jake: I don't really remember him. Barbara Jean: That's okay. You'll meet him again someday. Jake: How? Barbara Jean: Well, when you die, you'll go to Heaven and meet other people who have died. Everyone from Adam and Eve to Frank Sinatra!

The Story of a Divorce [1.14]

Lori Ann: [to Reba] Here's one. Pilot. Looks great in a uniform. It'll be a chance for you to join the mile high club! Reba: I'm already a member. Lori Ann: Married, dead, gay, gay, gay... Reba: Three of them are gay? Lori Ann: No, just the one, but he came out in a big way.

You May Kick the Bride [1.15]

Reba: Brock, I'm the ex-wife. "Ex" as in, "ex"-cuse me, I'm not interested. Jake: [to BJ] You look like a giant marshmallow! Reba: I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't take my eyes off that bow.

Vanny Dearest [1.16]

Sue Montgomery: Vanny! Van: Mommy! Cheyenne: Shoot me. Cheyenne: Look at this. You can actually have a baby underwater. Van: I hear whales do that. Cheyenne: Was that a slam?

He's Having a Baby [1.17]

Reba: Where was that man when we were married? What were we? Your practice family? Maya: [to Van] Didn't you have a different Mommy last time? Reba: His Mommy has a paper due. I'm his Mommy's Mommy.

Labor of Love [1.19]

Brock: [to Reba] Dear Lord, we have to get to the hospital before she names that baby Jesus. Barbra Jean: I think my water broke. Reba: Oh, no! You're sitting on my purse!

The King and I [1.20]

Reba: So the priest left during confession? Lori Ann: All I said was that he had nice eyes! Reba: You are a desperate, desperate woman. Brock: Look on the bright side. It's prom night and we don't have to worry about our daughter getting pregnant.

Up a Treehouse Without a Paddle [1.21]

Reba: You do know that you conceived this child when Brock and I were still married. Barbra Jean: I don't mind. Cheyenne: I wore two different shoes to school today because I can't see my feet. [everyone laughs] Reba: Okay, that's not funny. Kyra: Not as funny as watching her get out of a chair. [everyone starts laughing again]

It Ain't Over Until The Redhead Sings [1.22]

Reba: This is Cheyenne and Van's graduation day! Kyra: This is me gagging on Cheyenne and Van's graduation day! Cheyenne: I'm a mommy. Van: I'm a daddy. Kyra: You two sure catch on fast.

House Rules [2.01]

Reba: What kind of a moron can't make toast? Brock: I want you to apologize to Barbra Jean. Reba: Hold on a second. [goes outside and looks up] Brock: What are you doing? Reba: Checking for flying pigs.

Skating Away [2.02]

Van: Mrs. H., you have to maintain a "C"- average. Who do you think I am, Albert Weinstein? Reba: Van, I think you mean Albert Einstein. Van: No, I mean Albert Weinstein. He was the smart kid in the senior class. [sarcastically] Wow, Einstein! Reba: [to Kyra] We'll skate, we'll play Candy Land, we'll go down to the river and shoot rats if you want.

Proud Reba [2.03]

Reba: Well, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a job. [everyone laughs; Reba has a serious look on her face] Cheyenne: Oh, you were serious?

Reba Works for Brock [2.04]

Kyra: Mom, what's with the smiley face sticker? Reba: Don't ask. Brock: You know, Barbara Jean wants this to work out more than anyone. She considers you a friend. Reba: Why?! Why does she like me so much! Brock: Everyone likes you, Reba. That's your curse. Reba: Look, Brock, I'm just trying to do my job. So, your 3:00 teeth cleaning is waiting on you, at 4:00, you got a root canal and at 7:00, you should have sex with your wife. Coffee? Brock: D-did you just say what I think you said?? Reba: Well, I must have, my whole mouth just went numb!

It's Jake's Party, Cry if You Want to [2.05]

Kyra: I thought you said Barbra Jean is where brain cells go when they die. Cheyenne: I don't feel like eating cake right now. Reba: [sits down next to Cheyenne] But you always like a corner piece. I remember when you were little... Cheyenne: My baby is crying, Mom. [A tear falls down her cheek] Reba: Oh, I thought that was Van. Reba: Cheyenne, I know this is tough. Cheyenne: Really you do?? Reba: Yeah, sweetie. I do. I remember sitting outside your door fretting the same way, but I knew in my heart it was the best thing for you. Cheyenne: Well, it doesn't feel right in my heart. You know all these things that are supposed to be the right things to do, in the morning when I leave her to go to school, when I come home and she's already in bed, and when I have to study French Philosophy instead of playing peek-a-boo with her, well, they just don't feel right, Mom. Not to me.

Safe Dating [2.06]

Van: What's up with the teenager? Reba: I don't know, she's been awful moody lately. I can't figure out why. Van: Thirteen-year-old girl, could be anything. School, friends, stock market. Greg: Greg Hewitt, Dylan's father. Reba: Reba Hart, Kyra's nightmare. Kyra: [to Reba about Dylan] I don't like him anymore. He's a huge crybaby. At first I thought he was sensitive, but he's a huge crybaby. He cries at the drop of a hat. I mean literally he dropped his hat and burst into tears.

Mommy Nearest [2.07]

Reba: Barbra Jean, get out of my house. Reba: I bet he cried! Did he cry like a little school girl? Barbra Jean: More like whimpers really. [makes whimpering sounds]

Switch [2.08]

Brock: [about Reba dating again] Actually, I think you should do it. Reba and Lori Ann: What!? Brock: Yeah, it's been long enough. You deserve to be happy. Reba: So, you two agree that I should go out? Brock and Lori Ann: Yeah. Reba: Well, if you two agree on something, then maybe I should do it! Kyra: [about babysitting Jake] It's not fair! Why can't you babysit Jake?! I mean, you're married with a kid. I still have a life! Cheyenne: What is the big deal? I used to babysit you all the time! Kyra: Yeah, right! You used to stick me in my room while you sat on the couch making out with your boyfriend! Cheyenne: [smiles] Oh, right!

Ring-a-Ding [2.09]

Kyra: Hurry up and open the door. I want to meet my new daddy. Reba: I don't think people should ring-a-ding to see if they fall in love. I think people should ring-a-ding because they're already in love. Brock: Kyra, we are not leaving! Kyra: Why don't you just give me the room key and I'll go watch the moving picture box. Cheyenne: Mom, you can relax. You have a great body. Reba: Oh, well, this is an awkward mother-daughter moment. Reba: I think your father is ready to go! [starts pushing Cheyenne through the door] Cheyenne: What are you so freaked out about? We can talk about stuff like his. Reba: Cheyenne, stop! This is none of your business. You are my child, not my girlfriend. I appreciate your interest and that you think Brian has a "hot" body, but this isn't something I'm comfortable talking to you about. Cheyenne: Mom, I may be your daughter, but I am also a married woman. I think this is great as long as you two are being careful. You are being careful, right? Reba: Cheyenne!

Cookies for Santa [2.10]

Reba: [to Brock] I didn't buy a bike, you butt! Barbra Jean: What can I do? Reba: Well, you can stand out on the front porch and monitor the weather.

A Moment in Time [2.11]

Reba: Don't worry about Kyra. She's at that age where she doesn't want to be part of the family anymore. You hit that age at about 40, right, Brock? Brock: Reba, you're making a big mistake. Reba: Said the man who married Barbra Jean. Barbra Jean: Wow. The last time I was video-taped in a bedroom, I didn't know about it.

The Rings [2.12]

Reba: You gave Cheyenne a beautiful ring. Van: Even better. I gave her a love for inexpensive jewelry! Barbra Jean: Brock got me this engagement ring. I think some old lady died and it's an antiquity. Reba: Barbara jean that's my engagement ring! Kyra: Wearing an engagement ring from a ruined marriage? That's like wearing the clothes of a dead person.

The Vasectomy [2.13]

Reba: Which is why you are going to find a 30-page essay named "Teenagers having babies is stupid, stupid, stupid." Kyra: It's a shame that speedy isn't going to greet you at the door anymore. Reba: [opens the door] Barbra Jean? Have you been standing here? Barbra Jean: Yes! For 30 minutes. Reba: Okay. [closes the door]

Location, Location, Location [2.23]

Reba: I crushed her dream of going to England, then I threw up a cookie. Reba: Kyra! It's not funny that you're going to England. It's exciting! And all that because you are a good student and you like drinking tea. Reba: [to Cheyenne] Do you know what I'm doing? I'm making macaroni and cheese. Do you know why I'm making macaroni and cheese? Because it's Kyra's favorite, and somehow I have to tell her that she doesn't get to go on a trip that she wants and deserves to go on because I have to bail you out again. And I have to do that with macaroni and cheese! Cheyenne: Mom, I promise I'll take all the courses that I dropped. Reba: Why don't you find a course that gets your head out of your butt? Van: I don't think they have one or else my counselor would've told me about it.

Your Place or Mine? [2.24]

Reba: I'm looking for my gun. Did you know that you can see Barbra Jean's house from here? Reba: You know, Barbra Jean, you don't have to lean through my window. You can get completely off my property. Reba: So that's why you bought a four-bedroom house! So Kyra could move in! Brock: No! We needed a room for Henry. Barbra Jean: And I'm thinking of turning the spare bedroom into a library! Reba: Well, that'll be one lonely book!

Sister Act [3.16]

Reba: Did that seem weird to you? Barbra Jean: Yeah, why? Reba: Because Kyra faked being sick. She's never faked being sick before! She's faked being well cause she wants to go to school! Barbra Jean: Wow, I am so easily fooled. I wonder if those kids are really blind. You know, I think some of them are just lazy. Barbara Jean: It's always the bullies, or the jocks, or preps. The nerds aren't all that friendly, either! Barbra Jean: My whole life! Reba: Kyra, why would you hit someone? Cheyenne: It's how she shows affection! Kyra: Yeah, that's right. Why don't come over here for a hug? Brock: Kyra, when things get tough, you have to stick with them. (Reba gives him a look) WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T HIT ANYONE! Reba: Kyra! What did this girl do to make you snap? Kyra: SHE CALLED CHEYENNE A SLUT! She called Cheyenne a slut, so I punched her, okay? Cheyenne: Oh my gosh. My psycho sister loves me! Barbra Jean: Kyra, there are two ways you can deal with bullies: You can either hide in a bush t

Hello, My Name is Cheyenne [4.22]

Cheyenne: Mom, Dad... I have great news... I'm an alcoholic! Van: I'm having a beer. Brock: What's wrong, Van? Are you on the wagon? Van: Yes! And they shouldn't call it a wagon because wagons are fun! Cheyenne: You probably think this sounds really weird. Reba: No, baby, I don't.....I think it sounds like A DRINKING PROBLEM! Cheyenne: But I don't WANT a drinking problem! Reba: I don't want Barbra Jean living down the street from me either, but crapstorms happen! Reba: The first thing you are gonna do is put the drink down..(points to the counter; Cheyenne sets down her drink) Cheyenne: I'm scared Mom, I really am. Reba: I know, baby.

Where There's Smoke [5.01]

Cheyenne: I do not think smoking is that bad for you... I think tobacco is a vegetable. Cheyenne: No. Van those vitamins aren't for you. Van: What'd you mean they're not for....are these chick vitamins? Will I grow boobs? Cheyenne: No. Ok, I'm going to tell you something but you cannot repeat it. They're called Disulfiram. Van: You're right, I can't repeat that.

Cheyenne's Rival [6.10]

Bridget: What about all the mean stuff you wrote about me on the bathroom walls. Like Bridget's missing a digit! What does that even mean?! Cheyenne: Well, I don't know...but it was pretty funny in high school. Reba: (about Bridget) Cheyenne, you've got to let this high school stuff go! We're talking about your home, not who should've been homecoming queen! Cheyenne: ME!!! I WAS ROBBED!!!

She's With the Band [6.11]

Kyra: You can't make me. I'm 18. Reba: It is vital that we show a united front we have got to show her that we are all of one mind. Barbra Jean: (when Kyra walks in) Kyra, it's a trap! Follow your dreams! Run, be free!

The Kids Are Alright [6.13]

Van: Man, my shirt stinks. Kyra: The washer's broken, do you have your magic butter knife? Van: (sarcastically) Oh, Ha ha ha! Kyra: Once again you've won an argument with your wit. Barbra Jean: Can you believe it Reba? Six years ago this family was falling apart and then I came in and put everything back together. Brock: Barbra Jean, that's not exactly the way I'd put it. Reba: Hang on Brock, Barbra Jean's right, we got through it all, because we're survivors. [last lines in the series]