Quotes

Dialogue

Jennifer Langley: [sarcastically] You're kidding. David Langley: Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Dr. Bean. David Langley: Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer. Kevin Langley: Yeah, like "What is an intrauterine device"? David Langley: I think more like "What's the meaning of life?" Kevin Langley: I never asked you that. David Langley: That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Dr. Bean is a very remarkable man. [to Jennifer] Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute. [cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera and walking off. Cuts back to Jennifer] Jennifer Langley: Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at Prince Charles and weep. David Langley: Okay, so he's gonna look like Meat Loaf's butt. Jennifer Langley: Yeah, and that's if we get lucky. David

Dialogue

LAX Police Officer 1: Police! Get on him now! Move it! Freeze! LAX Police Officer 1: Move! watch it! Watch it! Everybody, out of the way! LAX Police Officer 1: In pursuit of a 415, man with a gun heading into zone 10, terminal 2. Get the team over here now. LAX Police Officer 1: Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it! Move! Move! Move! Police! Coming through! LAX Police Officer 1: Come on, lady! Watch it! Move! LAX Police Officer 1: There he is! There he is! Move! Move! Move! Police! Everyone on the floor! Now! [Everybody lies down on the floor including Bean] Old Woman: Not you, sweetie. Mr. Bean: Oh, right. LAX Police Officer 1: Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only. Slowly place it on the floor and take three steps back. LAX Police Officer 1: What is this? LAX Police Officer 2: I don't know. Weird. Lieutenant Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication? Mr. Bean: Not that I know of. Lieutenant Brutus: Well, you could certai

Dialogue

David Langley: Well, sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your caliber to be normal. I must confess, I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me, doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery? Mr. Bean: I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings. David: Ah! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, just sit and look, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings themselves. Now that is brilliant. Yeah.

Dialogue

Bernice Schimmel: I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi. David Langley: Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"? Bernice Schimmel: Yes. David Langley: [pause a little] I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism. At least he has not mentioned it in any of his recent songs.

Dialogue

Alison Langley: Hello, Doctor. Mr. Bean: Hello. David Langley: No, no, no, no, Doctor, that is not for the TV, that's for the--

Dialogue

David Langley: [after riding at the Ride of Doom for the first time] Incredible! you set? [David wakes up Bean who was sleeping throughout the ride and gets startled] Lieutenant Brutus: He's a genius, huh? David Langley: That's what they tell me. Lieutenant Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me. Are you willing to take responsibility for his actions? Mr. Bean: BOO! David Langley: Ohh! Lieutenant Brutus: Well, you're a braver man than me, and I single-handedly take on gangs armed with AK-47s. Get him outta here. Tell him his is a butt I would dearly love to kick. And the next time, I will.

Dialogue

David Langley: [hurries into the kitchen] How could I forget?! What the hell are we going to give them?! [Bean pulls two hot dogs out of the fridge] Yes, I think they may be expecting something slightly more formal. [Bean puts the hot dogs back and pulls out an onion] Onion?! Just on its own?! [Bean puts the onion back and pulls out a Thanksgiving turkey] No, no, don't be ridiculous! That's for Thanksgiving! Alison would kill me! No, there must be something else. [looks in the fridge] Have you ever cooked one of these before? Mr. Bean: Oh, yes. David Langley: But, anyway, it would take, like, five hours, right? Mr. Bean: Not necessarily. [cuts to Bean and David stuffing the turkey into the microwave] What do you think, 20 minutes? [sets the timer] David Langley: I-I don't know. You're sure this is gonna work? [Bean nods] Okay, you're the chef. Just put on some vegetables and come and say hello.

Dialogue

David Langley: Seems to be a problem with the...[notices Bean trying to block the main door]...door. [notices the "Whistler's Mother" painting is gone] Where's the picture gone? Mr. Bean: Uh... Um, uh... David Langley: What? What? What? What? [Bean picks up the painting with the tarp over it and drops the tarp to reveal a poorly drawn cartoon face over the damaged spot; David freaks out] OH, JESUS! OH, GOD! OH, OH, JESUS! GOD, OH! MARY, MOTHER OF JESUS! JESUS OF NAZARETH! [Bean quickly turns the painting away while David shuts the door and locks it] Wait a minute... Why am I worried about this?! You did it! All I have to do is go out and tell them what happened! Oh, perfect! Then they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I say, "Me"! And they'll say "You're fired!" I say "Fine"! No, no, no, no, no! Then they say "Firing's not enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." Then I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing

Dialogue

David Langley: Hey, do you drink, Bean? Mr. Bean: No. David Langley: Good, neither do I.

Dialogue

[singing while intoxicated] ♪Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!♪ [Bean screams] ♪Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, if you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream!♪ [both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find Alison already home]

Dialogue

Kevin Langley: Hi, Beanie. Can't sleep, huh? Mr. Bean: No. Kevin Langley: Me neither. I can't stop thinking about naked women. What about you? Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother. Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on.

Dialogue

David Langley: Bean? I think we need to be honest with each other. I cannot deny that over the last days, some suspicions have begun to gather in my mind, and I would just like to ask you some direct questions. Ok? Number one - are you a doctor? [clears throat] Mr. Bean: No. [shakes head] David Langley: Number two: do you know anything about art? Mr. Bean: Well... David Langley: Oh, just for instance here, uh... was Leonardo Da Vinci an American basketball player? [laughs] Mr. Bean: ...Yes.