Quotes

Dialogue

Rex: My wife has me between a rock and a hard place. Miles Massey: That's her job. You should respect that.

Dialogue

Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness! Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

Dialogue

Miles Massey: So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her rear. Rex: Is it possible? Miles Massey: It's a challenge.

Dialogue

Gus Petch: You want tact, call a tactician! You want ass nailed, you call Gus Petch. Christ, you seem to be taking this pretty good. I have seen them come in here weeping like Baptists at a funeral, like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around. Marylin Rexroth: Don't get me wrong Mr..... Gus Petch: Petch. Gus Petch. Marylin Rexroth: Whilst I don't find this terribly entertaining, I'm delighted you found this material. This will be my passport to wealth, independence and freedom. Gus Petch: [Amused] Sounds like to me, you gonna nail his ass.

Dialogue

Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me. Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me. Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone. Wrigley: Hear, hear. Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house- Wrigley: Miles' house. Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

Dialogue

Miles Massey: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines? Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor. Judge Marva Munson: Grounds? Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.

Dialogue

Mrs. Gutman: Sometimes there would be a gizmo. Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: A gizmo? Mrs. Gutman: He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner. Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: I see. Mrs. Gutman: So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months. Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: Several months without the appliance. Mrs. Gutman: Yes.

Dialogue

Wrigley: Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens. Nero's Waitress: What did you call me? Wrigley: Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything. Nero's Waitress: You want a salad? Wrigley: Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad? Nero's Waitress: What the fuck color would it be? Wrigley: Why are we eating here? Nero's Waitress: What's his problem? Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing. Nero's Waitress: And for you? Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham. Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup? Miles Massey: What the hell.

Dialogue

Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before? Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit. Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before? Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before? Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge. Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before? Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before? Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before. Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before. Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but... Miles Massey: Look, don't argue. Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm... Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue. Miles Massey: Counsel argues. Wrigley: You appear. Miles Massey: The judge sits. Wrigley: Then you sit. Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt. Wrigley: And then we argue. Miles Massey: The counsel argues. Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before. Miles Massey: Which we've done before. Rex Rexroth: Ah. Wrigley: But not before her. Wrigley: Rex, si

Dialogue

Marylin Rexroth: I'm devastated. Completely devastated. Freddy Bender: No further questions.

Dialogue

Marylin Rexroth: They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any. Sarah Sorkin: Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?

Dialogue

Marylin Rexroth: Ow. Howard. Miles Massey: Howard. You named him after your ex. Marylin Rexroth: I'm sentimental.

Dialogue

Wrigley: What do you think? Miles Massey: What are they, ladles? Wrigley: Berry spoons. Miles Massey: Spoons? Wrigley: Berry spoons. Everybody has spoons. Miles Massey: And nobody *needs* berry spoons. Wrigley: Everybody eats berries. Miles Massey: Who are you, Pollyanna? Where'd you see 'em at? A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings? Stadium seat ass-warmers?

Dialogue

Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it. Miles Massey: Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation. Freddy Bender: My client's ruled that out. Miles Massey: My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice. Freddy Bender: That's a fart in a stiff wind. Miles Massey: My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period. Freddy Bender: My client feels sufficiently dispassionate. Miles Massey: My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.

Dialogue

Miles Massey: All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy? [takes a drink of water] Freddy Bender: My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets. [Miles spits out some water] Miles Massey: Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with Kershner? Freddy Bender: Kershner does not apply. Miles Massey: Bring this to trial, we'll see if Kershner applies. Rex: What's Kershner? Miles Massey: Please, let me handle this. Freddy Bender: Kershner was in Kentucky. Miles Massey: Kershner was in Kentucky? Freddy Bender: Kershner was in Kentucky. Miles Massey: All right, Freddy, forget Kershner. What's your bottom line? Freddy Bender: Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets. Miles Massey: What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten Kershner?

Dialogue

Miles Massey: Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common? Wrigley: [thinks] Middle name?

Dialogue

Miles Massey: [of Rex's wife] Has she retained counsel? Rex: I don't know... She has Rottweilers. Miles Massey: Not a good sign.

Dialogue

Miles Massey: [after ordering food for both of them] I assume you're a carnivore. Marylin Rexroth: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Massey. You have *no* *idea*.

Dialogue

Gus Petch: We gonna make you laugh, we gonna make you cry, but most of all, we gonna Gus Petch: nail your ass! Audience: [chanting] Nail your ass! Nail your ass! Nail your ass!

Dialogue

Gus Petch: ...and those Rottweilers were a menace, man! Miles Massey: I told you she had dogs. Gus Petch: You didn't tell me they had a hard on for Anus Africanus!