Quotes

Dialogue

Bree Osbourne: Mr. Schupak. Ms. Schupak. I mean, Ms. Osbourne. I changed it. Police Sergeant: Can I ask what your relationship is to the prisoner? Bree Osbourne: Allegedly, I'm his... allegedly, he's my son. Police Sergeant: This is a new one. According to this, he shoplifted a frog. Plus we have testimony that he was in possession of a small amount of a suspicious-looking white powder, although emergency services was unable to recover the evidence. Bree Osbourne: Drugs? Is he an addict? Police Sergeant: Most of 'em are. Bree Osbourne: Most of whom are? Police Sergeant: Are you aware that your son's been hustling on the streets working as a prostitute? Bree Osbourne: How much is the bail? Police Sergeant: Bail's set at one dollar. Bree Osbourne: I can't possibly afford... one dollar? Police Sergeant: Sabrina Claire Osbourne? Meet Toby Wilkins. Bree Osbourne: Uh... my friends call me Bree. Toby: Jesus the reformer? Police Sergeant: That's one of these churches that sends missionaries ou

Dialogue

Elizabeth Schupak: Look at your life. You've never been able to stick to a decision. I mean, 10 years of college and not a single degree. How do you know you won't change your mind about this, too? Bree Osbourne: Because I know. Elizabeth Schupak: Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please. I miss my son. Bree Osbourne: Mom, you never had a son. Elizabeth Schupak: [Crying] How can you say such a thing? Bree Osbourne: Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives. Elizabeth Schupak: We only tried to do the best for you. Bree Osbourne: Is that why you tried to have me committed? Elizabeth Schupak: [Shouting] You tried to kill yourself! Bree Osbourne: Because you tried to have me committed! Elizabeth Schupak: I don't know why you have to be so emotional. Bree Osbourne: [Shouting] I am not emotional! [Normally] God, my cycle's all out of whack. Elizabeth Schupak: You don't have cycles! Bree Osbourne: Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple l

Dialogue

Toby: Beauty is relative. Bree Osbourne: Not my relatives.

Dialogue

Bree Osbourne: Eat your vegetables Toby: [Toby starts eating with his hands] Bree Osbourne: And might wanna use a fork. Just an idea.

Dialogue

Murray Schupak: Your mother and I both love you. Elizabeth Schupak: But we don't respect you!

Dialogue

Bree Osbourne: I got a phone call last night from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system. He claimed to be Stanley's son. Margaret: No third-person. [Brief pause] Bree Osbourne: My son.

Dialogue

Toby: Your parents' house is a lot nicer. Bree Osbourne: My parents' house comes with my parents.

Dialogue

Dr. Spikowsky: How do you feel about your penis? Bree Osbourne: It disgusts me. I don't even like looking at it. Dr. Spikowsky: What about friends? Bree Osbourne: They don't like it either. Dr. Spikowsky: No, I mean do you have the support of friends? Bree Osbourne: I'm very close to my therapist. Dr. Spikowsky: What about your family? Bree Osbourne: My family is dead.

Dialogue

Bree Osbourne: Fasten your seatbelt. Toby: I don't like wearing them. Bree Osbourne: Well I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs splattered all over the dashboard if we get into a wreck, God forbid, so put it on.

Dialogue

Toby: And these shoes. Three dollars, a dollar fifty each. You know how much these things are worth in Japan? Bree Osbourne: Three dollars? Toby: Like 500 dollars. Japanese people kill for old Nikes. Bree Osbourne: Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan. Toby: Yeah, I'd probably be, like, disemboweled by a ninja. Bree Osbourne: You don't have to say "like". "Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient. And please don't put your feet up on the dashboard.

Dialogue

Toby: I'm out of cigarettes. Bree Osbourne: Quel dommage. Toby: What's "quel dommage" mean? Bree Osbourne: It means you're not getting any cigarettes.

Dialogue

Wayne: School's gonna be closing in about fifteen minutes. Toby: Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand? Wayne: Sure - what subject? Toby: [Stands, pushes down his surfer shorts] Sex education.

Dialogue

Toby: Did you know that The Lord of the Rings is gay? Bree Osbourne: I beg your pardon. Toby: There's this big, black tower, right? And it points right at this huge burning vagina thing, and it's like the symbol of ultimate evil. And then Sam and Frodo have to go to this cave and deposit their magic ring into this hot, steaming lava pit. Only at the last minute, Frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites off his finger. Gay.

Dialogue

Bree Osbourne: Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he wanted me! Toby: You're gonna cut your dick off for Jesus? Bree Osbourne: They don't "cut it off!" It just becomes an innie instead of an outtie.

Dialogue

Murray Schupak: Are you sure you're all right, Stanley? Bree Osbourne: Fabulous. Never been better. Murray Schupak: Stanley... Bree Osbourne: Bree. Sabrina Claire Osbourne. Murray Schupak: Look, we're gonna need more time with that. Your mother and I both love you-- But we don't respect you. Elizabeth Schupak: I'll never understand why you're doing this to me. Bree Osbourne: I'm not doing anything to you. I'm gender dysphoric. It's a genetic condition. Elizabeth Schupak: Don't try to blame your father and me for this. [Referring to Bree's sandwich construction] You shouldn't use so much mayonnaise. Are you trying to give yourself a heart attack? Let me do that! You know what I see when l look at you? I see a lost soul crying out for help. This would never have happened if you had only come to church when you were little, instead of going off to that synagogue of your father's. Sydney: [Appears] Mom, Dad, there's this scruffy looking kid outside. [Observes Bree] Holy shit! Elizabeth Sch

Dialogue

Bree: Have you lived all your life in New Mexico? Calvin: Not yet...

Dialogue

Calvin: [When Bree coughs after drinking mescal] That'll put hair on your chest. Bree Osbourne: [Clasps hands as if praying] Hope not.

Dialogue

Toby: How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat? Calvin: Well, I guess it's because it keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a head band and a couple of eagle feathers.

Dialogue

Toby: I'm not gonna marry you! Bree: Glory Hallelujah.