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Met. Sergeant narrating: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born, schooled in London. Graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training and displayed great attitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical coursework and final year examinations. Received the Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving and advanced cycling. Became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendation

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Met Sergeant: Hello, Nicholas. Nicholas Angel: Hello, Sergeant. Met Sergeant: How's the hand? Nicholas Angel: Still a bit stiff. Met Sergeant: (sniffs deeply) It can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job, that's what I did. Nicholas Angel: I like to think of my office as out on the street. Met Sergeant: Indeed you do. Your arrest record is... (opens a page on his desk with his right hand, reads from it) 400% higher than any other officer (closes page), which is high time such...skills were put to better use. We're making you Sergeant. Nicholas Angel: (grinning slightly) I see. Met Sergeant: (quickly and quietly) In Sandford, Gloucestershire. Nicholas Angel: In where, sorry? Met Sergeant: In Sandford, Gloucestershire. Nicholas Angel: (taking the new information in) That's... in the country. Met Sergeant: Yes, lovely. Nicholas Angel: Isn't there a Sergeant's position here in London? Met Sergeant: (laughs briefly) No. Nicholas Angel:

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Chief Inspector: I know what you're going to say, Nicholas, but the fact is you've been making us all look bad. Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry, sir? Chief Inspector: Of course, we all appreciate your efforts, but you've been rather letting the side down. Met Inspector: It's all about being a team player, Nicholas. Met Sergeant: You can't be the Sheriff of London. Chief Inspector: If we let you carry on running around town, you'll continue to be exceptional... and we can't have that. You'll put us all out of a job. Nicholas Angel: With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear. Chief Inspector: Yyyes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector [Curls lip, menacingly] Nicholas Angel: Well, however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account... and that's what the team is gonna make of this!

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Nicholas Angel: Excuse me. Underage Drinker: What? Nicholas Angel: When's your birthday? Underage Drinker: [confidently] 22nd of February. Nicholas Angel: What year? Underage Drinker: Every year. Nicholas Angel: Get out. Nicholas Angel: YOU! When's your birthday? Underage Drinker #2: [clearly nervous and struggling to come up with a date] Uh... 8th of May, 1969? Nicholas Angel: You're 37? Underage Drinker #2: [nervously] Yeah? Nicholas Angel: Get out! Nicholas Angel: When's your birthday? Underage Drinker #3: [panicking, with a very high-pitched voice] Errr-- Nicholas Angel: OUT!

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Sgt. Turner: 'Nicholas Angel'. Oooh! When did you start? Nicholas Angel: Tomorrow. Sgt. Turner: Ah Well, I see you've already arrested the whole village. Nicholas Angel: Not exactly.

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Simon Skinner: Lock me up. Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry? Simon Skinner: I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped. Nicholas Angel: You're a what? Simon Skinner: A slasher... of prices! Ha ha ha, just kidding! I'm Simon Skinner, I run the local Supermarché. Stop in and see me some time. My discounts are criminal. [runs off] Catch me later!

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Nicholas Angel: Why are you dressed as a police officer? Danny Butterman: ... Because I am one?

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Inspector Frank Butterman: Your predecessor assumed rural policing was easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown, and Sergeant Popwell was an exceptional officer, Truly exceptional. And he had one thing you haven't got. Nicholas Angel: What's that, sir? Inspector Frank Butterman: [jovially] A great big bushy beard!

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Frank Butterman: Well, that's that. Unless there's anything you're unclear about? Nicholas Angel: Yes, sir, why is everyone eating chocolate cake? Frank Butterman: The Black Forest gateau is on Danny as punishment for his little indiscretion. Nicholas Angel: Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called a 'little' indiscretion. Frank Butterman: No, the gateau is for misplacing his helmet last week. Last night's incident will require something rather more serious. Nicholas Angel: Good. Frank Butterman: Do you like ice cream? Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry sir, I don't follow. Frank Butterman: Let's just say we won't be short of Chunky Monkey for the next month! Danny Butterman: Dad! Frank Butterman: Now, since it's your first day and it's half past eleven, I'd say that's lunch.

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Nicholas Angel: I didn't mean to upset the apple cart. DS Andy Cartwright: [sarcastic] Yeah, cause we all sell apples round here, don't we? Danny Butterman: Your dad sells apples, Andy. DC Andy Cartwright: And raspberries. DS Andy Wainwright: I bet you can't wait to jump into Sergeant Popwell's grave. Nicholas Angel: I'm not jumping into anyone's grave. Nicholas Angel: You've got a moustache. DC Andy Wainwright: [with an immense attitude] I know.

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Danny Butterman: Have you seen a lot of action, Sergeant Angel? Nicholas Angel: I've experienced my fair share, yes. Danny Butterman: You cook any fools? Nicholas Angels: What? Danny Butterman: Did you shoot anyone? DS Andy Wainwright: He shot a crackhead with a Kalashnikov. Danny Butterman: [impressed] Cor, where'd you get that? Nicholas Angel: The offender had the Kalashnikov. Danny Butterman: [still impressed] Cor, where'd he get that?

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Danny Butterman: What's it like bein' stabbed? Nicholas Angel: It was the single most painful experience of my life. Danny Butterman: What was the second most painful?

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DC Andy Cartwright: Everybody and their mums is packin' round here. Nicholas Angel: Like who? DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers. Nicholas Angel: Who else? DC Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.

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Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air? Nicholas Angel: No. Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air? Nicholas Angel: No. Danny Butterman: Have you ever been involved in a high speed pursuit? Nicholas Angel: Yes I have. Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit? Nicholas Angel: No!

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Nicholas Angel: Police work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly it is about procedural correctness in the exercising of unquestionable moral authority. Any questions? Nicholas Angel: [sotto] Yes? Danny Butterman: Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that if you shoot it, it will blow up?

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Peter Ian Staker: [on the phone, politely] Morning, the swan's escaped. Nicholas Angel: [looking around the office, certain it is a prank] The swan's escaped. Right, and where has the swan escaped from, exactly? Peter Ian Staker: The castle. Nicholas Angel: Oh yeah, and who might you be? Peter Ian Staker: Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker. Nicholas Angel: [annoyed] PI Staker? Right, PISSTAKER! COME ON! Nicholas Angel: Yes Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it? Peter Ian Staker: It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kinda orange and black bill... Nicholas Angel: Anything else? Peter Ian Staker: Well... it's a swan.

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Danny Butterman: Want anything from the shop? Nicholas Angel: You've just been to the shop. Danny Butterman: Thinkin' of a different shop.

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Nicholas Angel: What about this guy? Danny Butterman: [surprised] Mr. Treacher? Nicholas Angel: Yeah, why has he got that big coat on? He can't be cold, why the extra layer? Maybe' he's trying to hide something. Danny Butterman: [incredulously] Mr. Treacher? Danny Butterman: He's fuck-ugly? Nicholas Angel: Or he doesn't want you to see his face. Danny Butterman: 'CAUSE he's fuck-ugly. Nicholas Angel: [turning his attention to yet another suspicious character, this time a tall, muscular brute] What's his story? Danny Butterman: Oh, that's Lurch. Nicholas Angel: Go on. Danny Butterman: He's the trolley boy at the local supermarket. Nicholas Angel: Uh-huh. Danny Butterman: Real name Michael Armstrong. Nicholas Angel: Mmm-hmm. Danny Butterman: Dad says he's got a child's mind. Nicholas Angel: Okay. Danny Butterman: He lives up Summer Street with his mum and his sister. Nicholas Angel: And are they as big as he is? Danny Butterman: Who? Nicholas Angel: The mum and the sister? Danny Butterma

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Sergeant Tony Fisher: Impressive Collar. Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't wanna press charges. Nicholas Angel: What do you mean, he doesn't wanna press charges? Simon Skinner: [suddenly appears and starts offering the cookies that Peter stole to the police staff] I'm simply suggesting that young Peter be given a second chance, before he becomes just another crime statistic. I'm sure he's going to learn a valuable lesson. Sergeant Tony Fisher: Stealing biscuits is... wrong? Simon Skinner: [offering him a cookie] Correct. Sergeant Tony Fisher: [eagerly] Oh, thanks! Nicholas Angel: And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure? Simon Skinner: [smiling with ill-concealed sarcasm] Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Sergeant Tony Fisher: [chuckles childishly whilst scoffing a cookie] It's like the biscuits, isn't it? [chuckles] Nicholas Angel: Mr. Skinner-- Frank Butterman: Is everything all right? Nicholas Angel: Well sir, Mr. Skinner feels that it would be better not to prosec

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Danny Butterman: Have you ever seen Point Break? Nicholas Angel: No. Danny Butterman: Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences. Nicholas Angel: [Sarcastically] Is there now? Danny Butterman: Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!' Nicholas Angel: Yep. Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'? Nicholas Angel: [Annoyed] No I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'!

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Martin Blower: [unctuously] Was I going a tad fast, officer? Nicholas Angel: [reading his license] Yes you were Mister... Blower. Martin Blower: Well now you see, we are staging a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and we're a little late for the dress rehearsal. I'm playing the eponymous hero. [beat, smirks] Romeo, not Juliet. [Eve Draper giggles, annoyingly] Martin Blower: What are you writing? Nicholas Angel: Everything you're saying, I might need to refer to it later. Martin Blower: Now officer, I am a respected solicitor so there's no need to-- look, just stop writing. Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exceeded the speed limit. Nicholas Angel: [reading from his notepad] You're playing the male lead in a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and you're late for the dress rehearsal. Do you think this is a sufficient reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone? Martin Blower: But I-- Nicholas Angel: To flout speed limits specifically put in place t

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Tim Messenger: Sergeant Angel, Hi hi. Quick word for the Sandford Citizen? Nicholas Angel: Uh, it was very enjoyable. Tim Messenger: 'Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers'? Nicholas Angel: I don't think so. Tim Messenger: 'Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up to Teen Suicide'? Nicholas Angel: That's just grossly inappropriate. Sergeant Tony Fisher: Must have hit the sign at some speed. Took the whole top off. PC Doris Thatcher: I've had my top off in this lay-by. Ha ha! PC Bob Walker: Tits. Sergeant Tony Fisher: Most likely lost control here, left the road there, and ended up... here.

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Sgt. Tony Fisher: So, what do we reckon? Sergeant Angel? Nicholas Angel: Well, we should get a proper cordon off, screen the remains from public view. Close down the road until the ambulance crew arrives, whereupon we should open a single lane of traffic and ease congestion. Sgt. Tony Fisher: Very good. What he said.

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Sgt. Tony Fisher: So, what do we reckon? Angel? Nicholas Angel: Huh? Sgt. Tony Fisher: Help me. Nicholas Angel: Okay, we get a proper cordon up, we let the fire crews finish their stuff and then we get forensics in to do a thorough sweep of the house. Sgt. Tony Fisher: Very good. What he said. DS Andy Wainwright: We're just hoping to talk to the last people to see Mr. Merchant alive. Namely a Sergeant Knicker-less Ass-wipe and Cunt-stable Fanny Butterbum. Danny Butterman: [smiling] Hey, that's us! Danny Butterman: What you thinking? Nicholas Angel: Well... Sgt. Tony Fisher: We should strike now, while we've got the element of surprise. Longer we wait, more time they've got to mobilize. I say we go in through the front entrance, take the place aisle by aisle. They won't be expecting that. Nicholas Angel: Very good. What he said.

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Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman? Nicholas Angel: [correcting him] Officer. Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman-officer? Nicholas Angel: I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer, except in the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek; he was a sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode round in it every second I was awake, arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young but, it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek. Danny Butterman: Sounds like a good bloke. Nicholas Angel: Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students. Danny Butterman: What a cunt. Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never forgot the sense of right and wrong I learned behind the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prov

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Nicholas Angel: [Angel puts some coins in the swear box] LESLIE TILLER WAS FUCKING MURDERED! DC Andy Cartwright: Just like Tim Messenger? Nicholas Angel: Yes! DS Andy Wainwright: And George Merchant? Nicholas Angel: Yes! DC Andy Cartwright: And Eve Draper? Nicholas Angel: Yes! DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower? Nicholas Angel: No, actually. DS Andy Wainwright and DC Andy Cartwright: Really? Nicholas Angel: COURSE HE FUCKING WAS! [Danny puts money in the swear box] Thank you Danny! DS Andy Wainwright: Murder, murder, murder. Change the fuckin' record! [DC Cartwright puts money in the swear box] Thank you Andy. Sergeant Tony Fisher: Come on Sergeant, you've gotta accept that it was just another nasty accident. Nicholas Angel: What are you suggesting? That Leslie Tiller tripped and fell on her own shears? Seargent Tony Fisher: Ben Fletcher fell on his pitchfork the other week. PC Doris Thatcher: Yeah, accidents happen all the time. What makes you think it was MURDER? Nicholas Angel: BECAU

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Danny Butterman: Point Break or Bad Boys II? Nicholas Angel: Which one do you think I'll prefer? Danny Butterman: No, I mean which one do you want to watch first? Nicholas Angel: You are pulling my leg.

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Dr. Robin Hatcher: I told him several times that you shouldn't eat late at night. PC Doris Thatcher: I don't know. Quite like a little midnight gobble. Ha ha! PC Bob Walker: Cocks.

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Danny Butterman: Do you really think this is murder? Nicholas Angel: I just don't think we should rule it out, that's all. PC Bob Walker: [walking past them with Saxon the police dog] I think you're talkin' a load of ol' shit. Danny Butterman: He thinks you're talkin' a load of ol' shit. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

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Danny Butterman: I can't believe I shot someone. Nicholas Angel: He's a doctor, he can deal with it. Danny Butterman: I've never shot anyone before. Nicholas Angel: Believe me Danny, it's not something you ever get used to. Danny Butterman: Yeah. Maybe we should go on the bouncy castle to take our minds off it.

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Leslie Tiller: You know that feller who blew up? Nicholas Angel: George Merchant? Leslie Tiller: Well, George Merchant- God rest him- wanted to buy this land, so he sent round his legal fella, Martin Blower- God rest him. I thought I might take them up on it, as I haven't really got much family round here, save my cousin Sissy, so I thought I might take them up on the offer and move to Buford Abbey. Would you like a card with this? Nicholas Angel: No, sorry, you were talking about the offer? Leslie Tiller: Well, it turns out that Martin Blower- God rest him- knew where the new bypass road was going, because he was knocking off Eve Draper from the council- God rest her. And then that reporter- God rest him- finds out about the route and tells me this land is very valuable, ten times what George Merchant and Martin Blower- God rest them- offered me. So with them up and passed on, I decided to sell it on myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George and Eve- God rest the lot of '

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Joyce Cooper: I'm Joyce Cooper, and I trust you had a pleasant trip. Fascist! Nicholas Angel: I beg your pardon? Joyce Cooper: [indicating her crossword] "System of government, characterised by extreme dictatorship," Seven across. Nicholas Angel: Oh, I see. It's "Fascism." Joyce Cooper: "Fascism?" Wonderful. [checking her register] Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite. Bernard will escort you there. Nicholas Angel: Well, actually, uh, I could probably make my own way up. Hag! Joyce Cooper: [looking up] I beg your pardon? Nicholas Angel: [indicating the crossword] "Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly". It's twelve down. Joyce Cooper: Oh! Bless you.

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Joyce Cooper: [appears from behind a car during the climactic shootout, moments before firing a machine gun at Angel] FASCIST! Nicholas Angel: [after defeating her] HAG.

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Simon Skinner: [over the walkie talkie] Michael? Michael! Are you there? Michael! Is everything okay? Nicholas Angel: [imitating Lurch] Yarp. Simon Skinner: Sergeant Angel's been taken care of? Nicholas Angel: Yarp. Simon Skinner: He's not gonna get back up again? Nicholas Angel: [nervously] ...Narp? Simon Skinner: [brief pause] Good. Proceed to the castle.

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Joyce Cooper: Now, quick announcement before we begin. Janet Barker has decided to call her boys Roger and Martin. And the christening will be a week on Saturday and we're all invited. Tom. Tom Weaver: Thanks, Joyce. Now, you'll all be delighted to hear that the tenacious Sergeant Angel has been taken care of. Joyce will discover the Sergeant lying on the wet floor of his bathroom, having slipped and tragically broken his neck. So, with the dispatch of the Sergeant, we will now be able to concentrate on the eradication of our hoodie infestation. Simon Skinner: Quite right. Tom Weaver: After which, nothing will stand in our way. Nicholas Angel: Oh, I beg to differ, Mister Weaver. Tom Weaver: Well, well, well, I see, we have visitors. Nicholas Angel: Sergeant Nicholas Angel. Sandford Police Service. Simon Skinner: My, he is tenacious isn't he? Nicholas Angel: [revealing himself to the NWA] I'm arresting you under suspicion of conspiracy to commit murder. Tom Weaver: Oh come, come Sergean

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Danny: [opening up his trunk to and revealing the ketchup pouch to Nicholas] Ta-daa... Danny: Saving your skin! Nicholas: This is murder! Danny: It's not murder, it's ketchup! Nicholas: I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about the others! Danny: What others? Nicholas: The others the NWA have murdered. Danny: That's not true. Nicholas: IT IS!! Danny: Dad just said that it was his special club-- I thought it was about rapping people on the knuckles and sending them on their way. Nicholas: There are skeletons back there! Danny: I don't know nothing about no "skelingtons." Nicholas: What do you think was happening?! Danny: Not this! Nicholas: It's Frank! He's appointed himself judge, jury, and executioner! Danny: [defensive] He's not Judge Judy and executioner! Nicholas: He is! You've got to help me take him down! Danny: I can't. He's my dad. Take my car. Go back to London. There's nothing you can do. Nicholas: I can come back. I can come back and bring the blue fury of the Metropoita

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James Reaper: What are you going to do? Just walk in and arrest the whole village? Nicholas Angel: [deep voice] Not exactly.

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Reverend Phillip Shooter: Stop! Stop this, please! Let us stop this mindless violence! Nicholas my son, you may not be a man of God, but surely you are a man of peace. Nicholas Angel: I may not be a man of god, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which. Reverend Phillip Shooter: Oh... fuck off, grasshopper! [produces two derringers from his robe sleeves and shoots Nicholas] Danny Butterman: NO! [shoots the Reverend in the shoulder] Reverend Phillip Shooter: AAAH! [falls to the ground] Jesus Christ! Danny Butterman: NICHOLAS! NICHOLAS! [Nicholas looks up at him; his stab vest stopped the small-caliber bullets] I thought you was a goner. Dr. Hatcher: DROP YOUR WEAPONS! Danny Butterman: Doctor Hatcher, no! Dr. Hatcher: Shut up, Danny! I brought you into this world, I think its rather fitting that I should be the one to take you out of it. You and your interfering little friend. Now... drop 'em. Nicholas Angel: You're a doctor. Deal with

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Danny Butterman: How's Lurch? Nicholas Angel: He's in the freezer. Danny Butterman: Did you say 'cool off'? Nicholas Angel: No, I didn't say anything actually. Danny Butterman: Shame. Nicholas Angel: There was a bit earlier that you missed when I distracted him with a cuddly monkey, then I said 'playtime's over' and I hit him with the Peace Lily. Danny Butterman: [gleefully] You're off the fuckin' chain!

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Nicholas Angel: What's the situation? DC Andy Cartwright: Two blokes and a fuckload of cutlery! What d'you reckon? Nicholas Angel: [spies a line of trolleys at the opposite end of the aisle from the meat counter] Idea!

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DC Andy Cartwright: Angel! Don't go being a twat now! Nicholas Angel: [grinning] I wouldn't give you the satisfaction!

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Danny Butterman: I'll drive! Nicholas Angel: SHOTGUN! PUNCH...THAT...SHIT!!!

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Simon Skinner: [Punching Angel with each word] GET! OUT! OF MY!! VILLAGE!!! Nicholas Angel: [Grabs Skinner's fist] IT'S NOT YOUR VILLAGE ANY MORE!!! [Uppercuts him into a model building]

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Chief Inspector: What do you say, Nicholas? Met Inspector: We have been trying to reach you for days. Nicholas Angel: Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy. Met Sergeant: We need you back. The figures have gone a little squiffy in your absence, it has to be said. Chief Inspector: Come back to London. Sandford’s hardly a fitting place for such an exceptional officer.