Quotes

Others

Olivia: [as Viola takes her place at the kissing booth] Beware. The old guy chewing gum... it's not gum. Olivia: [When Malcolm, telling her his tarantula is loose, says she should not feed it] Yes, because my first instinct would be to feed the turantula. Monique: [in response to Andrew's flirting] Ew, what are you, hitting on me? Let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours. Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. [pause] That came out wrong, but you know what I mean. Justin: [after he blocks a goal] That's right. Didn't score on me last half, won't score on this half! I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.

Dialogue

Daphne: [After hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great. Viola: Then why don't you date him, Mom? Daphne: [Pauses to fantasize, then giggles] Oh, no... I couldn't.

Dialogue

Viola: I just can't do this. Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. [Pause] That came out wrong but you know what I mean.

Dialogue

Andrew: Freshman dorms are that-a-way twiglet. Toby: Yeah, seriously how old are you? Viola: [as Sebastian] I skipped a couple grades. Shh! I'm brilliant.

Dialogue

Coach Dinklage: [about to assign teams for practice, one having their shirts on, the other off] OK, shirts and skins! Viola: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt. Coach Dinklage: What?! Viola: I'm allergic to the sun. Coach Dinklage: You're allergic to the sun. Viola: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic. Coach Dinklage: Well, we like to accommodate, here at Illyria, so I'll follow you around with a parasol. Alright, nancy-boy? [Marks his clipboard] You're a shirt.

Dialogue

Viola: [as Sebastian] What does your heart tell you? Duke: What? Viola: I mean... which one would you rather see NAKED?

Dialogue

Olivia: What's this? Poems? Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff. Olivia: [reading] "Wake up I've been waiting for you". [Continues reading] Olivia: Those are really good. So honest. Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... myself... my... myself. Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia. Olivia: Really? Wonderful. Malcolm: Check it out. [sings] I see you through your window, while I'm standing on a tree outside.

Dialogue

Duke: [Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work. Viola: [as Sebastian] Oh my God, you're hurt! [Clears throat] I mean, suck it up. Be a man and rub some dirt on it. Duke: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...

Dialogue

Viola: [as Sebastian] Eunice! Viola: [clears throat] Uh, Eunice! Why didn't you wake me up? Eunice: You looked so serene. [As 'Sebastian' hurriedly leaves] I made breakfast, darling!

Dialogue

Duke: Dude, why do you have tampons in your boot? Viola: [as Sebastian] Uh, I get really bad nose bleeds? Andrew: So you stick them up your nose? Viola: Yeah! You mean you've never done that? [guys shake heads] Oh my god, Beckham does it all the time! Duke: No. Viola: Look, I'll show you. You take that off.. and whatever that is.. and you just stick it right in. It absorbs right up!

Dialogue

Viola: (Singing) I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower. Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. Shower shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower! ...Did you not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby. Viola: Sup dog? Duke: [Sarcastically] Yeah, what's kickin', homie? Viola: Later. Duke: Hey, you forgot, ew... [holding up Viola's chest bandage] This, coolio. Viola: Word, G-man.

Dialogue

Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something. Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-American, red-blooded male, just like yourself. Viola: [Walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller. And to make it harder for them to run away. Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels? Malcolm: No, sir, I... Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...

Dialogue

Principal Gold: [Shouting through his megaphone directly into Malcom's ear] MALCOLM! CAN YOU SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE CURRENT SITUATION? Malcolm: [Also embarrassed] No more than has already been shed, sir.

Dialogue

Principal Gold: Okay, if you want to roughhouse, please take it at least 500 yards... Coach Dinklage: [Shouting, as he walks quickly over to where the Illyria and Cornwall players are fighting] Break it up. Break it up! [Grabs a Cornwall player and an Illyria player] Okay, tough guys. You want to box, then get out of my stadium. Or otherwise, get on with the game. All right? Principal Gold: [Through his megaphone] Come on now, Armadillos of Illyria... Coach Dinklage: That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football! Like a bunch of girls! Principal Gold: [Through his megaphone, trying unsuccessfully to mimic Dinklage's charismatic voice] Yeah! Let's play some real football like a bunch of girls!

Dialogue

Viola: I didn't think you'd show up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something. Groundskeeper: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.

Dialogue

Duke: Ok. Um do you like... cheese? [Snickers] Sebastian: [In a girl voice] Why yes, I do. My favorite's Gouda. [Poses and smiles]

Dialogue

Boys: OOOOHHHH! OWWWW! Viola: [as Sebastian] Huh? Oh. Right. OWWW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT BURNS!