Quotes

Dialogue

Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time? Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh...time, not space. No, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dialogue

Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real. Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is! Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic! Tommy Corn: It's amazing! Albert Markovski: I know. Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special Albert Markovski: Yeah, because it grows from the manure of human troubles.

Dialogue

Mr. Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert? Albert Markovski: [alarmed] How'd you know about my cat? Mr. Hooten: The cat was killed by curiosity. Albert Markovski: Oh, that cat.

Dialogue

Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club? Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives? Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group. Cricket: Why can't he use the church? Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes people have additional questions to be answered. Cricket: Like what?

Dialogue

Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow? Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come? Tommy Corn: What time? Albert Markovski: Mm... one, one-thirty. Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains? Albert Markovski: We always do.

Dialogue

Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is? Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right? Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case. Albert Markovski: How? Vivian Jaffe: If you sign a contract we'll follow you. Albert Markovski: You'll spy? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: In the bathroom? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: Why? Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key to your entire reality.

Dialogue

Mrs. Hooten: So Tommy, what do you do? Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter. Mrs. Hooten: God bless you! You're a hero. Tommy Corn: I'm no hero. We'd all be heroes if we stopped using petroleum!

Dialogue

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch of populated America with houses and strip malls until you can't even remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk. Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk? Albert Markovski: Everything. Albert Markovski: Everything. Mrs. Hooten: Nothing. Albert Markovski: It's beautiful. Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

Dialogue

Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday? Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being. Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?

Dialogue

Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts! Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.

Dialogue

Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me? Brad Stand: I think so. Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet? Brad Stand: Um...

Dialogue

Mr. Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad? Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good. Mr. Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now! Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil. Mrs. Hooten: You're the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home! Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason? Mr. Hooten: You shut up! You get out! Tommy Corn: You shut up. Tommy Corn: [to Albert] Come on. Let's get out of here. Vivian Jaffe: You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you? You can't see radio waves, but you accept them. Bernard Jaffe: Trust. Albert Markovski: just trust! Bernard Jaffe: You better stay away from Caterine, Albert, 'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness. Vivian Jaffe: She was our prize graduate student until sh

Dialogue

Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you? Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?

Dialogue

Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty. [Brad whispers in her ear] Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never the pretty girl. Bernard Jaffe: Really? Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie. Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex? Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex? Dawn Campbell: The sex? Brad Stand: Come on, guys. [laughs] Come on. That's private. Dawn Campbell: That's gross. Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically. Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us? Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened. Brad Stand: [laughs uncomfortably] So your surveillance is wrong! Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality. Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity. Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking. Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality? Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven! Brad Stand: It's longer than that,

Dialogue

Bernard Jaffe: [points to zipper bag] All right, get in. Albert Markovski: You want me to get in? Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm. Albert Markovski: So get in here? Bernard Jaffe: Yeah. Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there? Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.

Dialogue

Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes! Albert Markovski: Oh, boy. Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his Other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

Dialogue

Albert Markovski: What, is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange? Vivian Jaffe: Albert, have you ever been in love? Albert Markovski: What kind of question is that?

Dialogue

Mr. Hooten: Stevo, I'm so disappointed in you. Mrs. Hooten: It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad. Mr. Hooten: I'm sorry, Stevo. My bad. You didn't know. Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself. Mr. Hooten: I should be what? Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself. Mr. Hooten: And why's that? Why would I be ashamed of myself? Tommy Corn: You're a hypocrite. Mr. Hooten: I'm a what? Tommy Corn: You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man. Mr. Hooten: How am I the destroyer? Tommy Corn: I saw that S.U.V. out there. Mr. Hooten: My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?

Dialogue

Tommy Corn: [running away from Vivian and Bernard] I want my money back! Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro Bono, I'd want MY money back!