Quotes

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop. Monk: No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me.

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School

[Repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q.E.D. Quod erat demonstratum. "Thus it is proven".

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School

Monk: Used to be. Um... I'm a private consultant now, and, uh... I'm just helping the department with their friendship group. Derek Philby: Excuse me, what are you doing? Monk: Oh - um... just making them even. Derek Philby: [Highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf! Monk: But they're even. Derek Philby: But they're mixed together! Monk: But they're - they're even. Derek Philby: But they're mixed together. Monk: But they're even... Derek Philby: But they're mixed together. Monk: But they're even...

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico

Monk: What am I going to eat and drink? Sharona: Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico. Monk: Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!?

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy... Lt. Disher: Monk wasn't on active duty, sir. We can't go full-dress... Capt. Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man. Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Answers] Stottlemeyer... yes. Yes, I understand. [hangs up] Adrian Monk is alive. I HATE THAT MAN!

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico

Lt. Plato: Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces. Sharona: Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces? Lt. Plato: They are fiesta beads. Sharona: What are fiesta beads? Lt. Plato: You don't remember how you got them? Sharona: Ahh, no. Lt. Plato: Guys give them to girls... at parties. Sharona: Oh, what for? Sharona: [Gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?! Lt. Plato: You wore them so... proudly!

Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico

Monk: He was a thirsty victim... Sharona: Adrian. Monk: I mean, the perfect victim.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

Sharona: Thank you, Adrian! [Pause] I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again. Monk: You're welcome.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

Scott Gregorio: They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you... how do you go on? How do you keep working? Monk: When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

Monk: Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice. Sharona: Okay, here it is! Monk: Don't blink. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God. Lt. Disher: Oh, my God! Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, my... Lt. Disher: Oh, my God! Monk: [Off Stottlemeyer's look] My God.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

...But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball. What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Capt. Stottlemeyer: All right. It's 12:30, the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down. Monk: Wait a minute, he leaps down? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yep. [points] Now the maitre'd is here, trying to call 911 on his cell phone. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move... [spins and lifts up his foot; imitating the killer] Hits the phone out of the maitre'd's hand. Monk: Really? Capt. Stottlemeyer: At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. [Imitates pulling a gun] Monk: From here? What is that, thirty feet? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box. Lt. Disher: Look at this. [He shows Monk an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Monk: [Incredulous] What did he use? A cannon? Capt. Stottlemeyer: That's a .454 from a Ruger Casull. Lt. Disher: They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Monk: [At the circus] I'm not really in my comfort zone here. Sharona: You have a comfort zone? Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone. [He jumps as a woman snake-charmer sticks a python in his face] Sharona: I've never seen your comfort zone. Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh... [tries to size it up with his hands] ...it's kind of small. I- I don't have a comfort zone.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Monk: Miss Dakkar, we're investigating the death of Sergei Cluvarias. Ariana Dakkar: Why talk to me? Monk: You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed. Ariana Dakkar: Who told you that? Monk: No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table. Ariana Dakkar: I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too. Monk: "She"? You think the killer was a woman? [Ariana’s demeanor changes] Ariana Dakkar: I don't think anything. I know exactly who it was! I know she was crazy, but I never thought she would try something in public. Sharona: Who? Ariana Dakkar: Natasia Lovara. She calls herself The Queen of The Sky. Monk: An acrobat. Ariana Dakkar: Sergei's ex-wife. Jealous bitch! [As she continues to talk, she goes off to reach into her purse for a grooming implement] She couldn't stand the thought of him having a life. If she's miserable, everybody else has to be miserable. She tried to kill him b

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor, a guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like it. Sharona: We're not married, and if we ever get married, shoot me! Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man! Sharona: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I married you!

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Monk: I wanna make sure I understand this. I have a problem... you know the answer... Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right. Monk: I'm paying you... Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right. Monk: ...but you won't tell me. Dr. Charles Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you. Monk: No, doctor, the... answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, have you studied the room? Monk: Yes, I have. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling's death? Monk: Yes, I have. Capt. Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk? Monk: He... was murdered. [Into Stottlemeyer's cell phone] He was murdered, Karen. Karen Stottlemeyer: I knew it! Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart? I'm gonna strangle Monk, and then I'll call you right back.

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Monk: So what do you think? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife's a much better cop than I am. Monk: Don't say that. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't mind living in your shadow, Monk; you're a freak of nature. Monk: Thank you.

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights. Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes: germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators... Capt. Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay — I don't need the entire list.

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Capt. Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up. Monk: Excuse me? Capt. Stottlemeyer: You know what I'm gonna do? First thing in the morning, I'm going to call the Vatican, and I'm gonna nominate your late wife, Trudy, for sainthood! Because you are IMPOSSIBLE! Monk: The lines. They're all... diagonal! I have to live here! Capt. Stottlemeyer: FORGET ABOUT THE RUG! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUG! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?! Do you know what you are?! You're the world's best marriage counselor! You could save every marriage in California! All people would have to do is live with you for two days! Two days, and they'd never complain about their spouse again!

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time. Monk: What is it? Capt. Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Sharona: [Watching Gail's performance] What do you think so far? Monk: There’s no legroom. It’s so crowded. Sharona: It’s supposed to be crowded. It’s sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show? Monk: So where is she? Sharona: She’s in the next scene. She kills a guy. Monk: I hope it’s the guy who designed these seats. [Gail enters] Sharona: There she is. [From behind another door on stage, another actor, Hal Duncan, swings the door shut] Hal Duncan: [As Bert] Hey, cuz. You miss me? [He picks up an apple and tosses it from hand to hand] Hope you don’t mind. I let myself in. Gail Fleming: But you’re supposed to be in jail! Hal Duncan: It’s funny that phrase, "supposed to be". I’m "supposed to be" in jail, you’re "supposed to be" waiting for me! [He makes air quotes with his fingers when saying "supposed to be"] A man can’t count on "supposed to be" the way he used to. Gail Fleming: You know, my husband’s upstairs! If he hear

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

O’Dell: Excuse me. What are you doing? Monk: Uh, I was just... nothing. O’Dell: Hey, don’t fiddle with the props. I’ve got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment’s notice. I’ve been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought. Monk: What was the… O’Dell: The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it. Monk: Really? Wow. I’m, uh, I’m Adrian Monk, and this is Sh— she’s usually right here. This is a terrible week. I’ll bet. O’Dell: Hey, that wasn’t my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them... I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this: [O’Dell pulls out and stabs himself with a prop knife] Monk: Hey, whoa! [The knife retracts; O’Dell laughs] O’Dell: Don’t wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show. Monk: May I? [He holds the prop knife up] O’Dell: Se

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Speedy Dates? No. No, no. No, that's like... Dante's seventh circle of Hell.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Sharona: So, how'd the dating go? Monk: Oh, it was terrible! Thank God I'm not single! Sharona: You are single. Monk: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Monk: You... you enter from the right... Sharona: You mean the left. That's stage left. Monk: But it's on the right. Sharona: But it's stage left. That's what they call it. Sharona: My sister's an actress! Monk: But- but- for the purposes of this recreation, let's just call it what they call it on Planet Earth. Sharona: [Sardonically] Like you would know.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Sharona: Is that a new tie? Lt. Disher: It's a gift from my girlfriend. Sharona: She has very good taste. In ties, not in men. Lt. Disher: Ooh — do I detect a hint of jealousy? Sharona: If you do, it's the only detecting you've ever done.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, old buddy, old pal, old chum. Sharona: “Old buddy”? What have you done with the real Captain Stottlemeyer? Monk: What do we have? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Mail bomb. An ounce and a half of plastique with a magnesium charge. Lt. Disher: There were two triggers: a chemical detonator wired to the wrapping, and a motion detector—so when you opened it and moved it, "boom". Capt. Stottlemeyer: Not hard to make. Lt. Disher: Crude and unpredictable, actually. Monk: Who’s the victim? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Amanda Babbage, thirty-five years old. She lived here alone. Monk: Nice house. Capt. Stottlemeyer: It was a lot nicer two hours ago. Monk: [Notices the ATF agents] The Feds are here? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, up the wazoo -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They’re in charge, and they’re not shy about saying so. Monk, if you can make me look good here, I would really appreciate it. I’d love to show these bastards up. Wouldn’t hurt our careers either.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Capt. Stottlemeyer: What do you see? Monk: [On Ricky] Oh, he’s not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago. Capt. Stottlemeyer: But the package was mailed to the old address. Monk: Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They’re a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art. Capt. Stottlemeyer: So the feds— Monk: Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Brian, but he’s a dead end. Lt. Disher: Or practically dead. Sharona: What do you mean? Lt. Disher: The guy’s in a coma. Capt. Stottlemeyer: We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got t-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and—and stepped on the gas. Lt. Disher: It was my first car chase. Capt. Stottlemeyer: That didn’t count. The guy didn’t go half a block. You didn’t get the car in gear! Lt.

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Monk: He's the guy. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Who? [Monk indicates comatose Brian] Him? Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes to one day be a vegetable!

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Capt. Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room. Lt. Disher: You want some coffee, sir? Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that A.T.F. creep to eat crow! Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don’t know how. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he’s in a coma. Monk: He’s the guy. Capt. Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he’s gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God. Lt. Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not? Sharona: I already had that idea. Tell him. Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn’t know he was gonna be in a coma. Sharona: It’s not exactly something you can plan. Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma. Capt. Stottl

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Capt. Stottlemeyer: That assistant, she called you? Sharona: Mm-hmm. Diane Luden. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you’d collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy. Monk: Actually, I think she might be on to something. Sharona: We’d like to look at the official file. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D’Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea. Lt. Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor. Monk: I know. Lt. Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it. Monk: I know. Capt. Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside. Monk: I know. Sharona: Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not? Capt. Stottlemeyer: If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you’re on your own. Monk: Okay, forget it. Let’s go. What’s our first stop? Sharona: Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment. [This gets Randy's attention] Lt. Dish

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Monk: [In Dexter Larsen's room] That's strange. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling? Sharona: Try not to think about that now.

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Dexter Larsen: [About his life before publishing "Sapphire" ] I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy a woman like you would never talk to. Sharona: You still are.

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Dexter Larsen: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh…you looking for something? Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning? Dexter Larsen: Why would you think that? Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here. Dexter Larsen: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk. Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros. Dexter Larsen: Hmmm. Monk: How did you do it? Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this? Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D’Souza? Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked. Monk: Right. How did you do it? Dexter Larsen: You’ve taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I’ve taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something? [Produces a photograph from an envelope] My research staff is first rate. She m

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Dexter Larsen: What the hell is going on? [Stottlemeyer gives him a search warrant] Capt. Stottlemeyer: Dexter Larsen, that’s a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house. Woman: Dex, I tried to call you. They’ve been here an hour. They’ve been looking everywhere! Dexter Larsen: Looking for what? Monk: Looking... for proof that you killed Elliot D’Souza. Dexter Larsen: Mr. Monk, are you serious? [Notices that his Carvasia is lying on the dining room table] My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that! Monk: Sorry, I’ll get it. [He starts to grab for it] Dexter Larsen: ' No! No! Don’t touch it. I’ll do it. It’s very valuable. [He tries to pick it up off the table, but it doesn't budge; Sharona stares at Dexter oddly] Sharona: Is there a problem? Capt. Stottlemeyer: What’s wrong? Pick it up. Can’t weigh more than fifteen pounds. Dexter Larsen: All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down? Monk: ' Excuse me, if I may. [He picks it up with ease] No, not glued. Your turn. [De

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Mrs. Ling: You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock. You good customer, 'cause you don't complain. Lt. Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch. Mrs. Ling: Yeah, well... he still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Monk: Thank you for seeing us. Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you? Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident. Ian Agnew: Please, sit down. [He appears to have a rather sudden pained reaction, possibly from the pipe] Sharona: [Concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do? Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe. [Points to the protruding piece of metal pipe] I have a piece of pipe in my head. [Pauses] I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!... Monk: Sir, about your accident. Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack. [Laughs] I'll get it! [Picks up the phone] Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number. [To Monk and Sharona] HOW'S THAT COFFEE? [S

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Monk: Handcuffed? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Handcuffed to one wrist and tied to seventy-feet of rope. Monk: Ugh, God! Capt. Stottlemeyer: And then he was dragged west seven-tenths of a mile. I just saw the body. Or what’s left of it. Sharona: Oh, God. Capt. Stottlemeyer: The M.E. said he’s never seen anything like it. There’s no end to it. Monk: What do you mean? Capt. Stottlemeyer: I mean, this is number nine. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat. Monk: Are they connected? Capt. Stottlemeyer: No. No connection at all. I mean, four have been men, five women, all different ages. Latino, white, black. Monk: And the M.O.’s? Capt. Stottlemeyer: ' All different. There’s been a couple of shootings, different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. I mean, it’s, it’s like a full moon every night! Monk: And you’re sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, they have one thing in common, Mo

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Noticing that the officers have all gathered around Sharona] Hey! Hey, guys. What is this, a high school dance? Give the girl some room. Let her breathe. [Sharona comes over] Come here. I want to talk to you. I understand that you are seeing Kenny Shale. Sharona: Oh, it’s nothing serious. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is. I wanna tell you something, Sharona. Your life is about to change. Everybody you know is gonna want a piece of you. You’re not gonna know who to trust. Monk can’t help you with this, all right? Sharona: Mmm-hmm. Capt. Stottlemeyer: He’s, he’s brilliant, but he’s Monk. He’s lost in Monkland. Sharona: Mmm-hmm. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Now, I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in the spotlight. And, well here. I want you to take that. [Hands Sharona a card] Sharona: What is it? Capt. Stottlemeyer: That’s my cell phone number, okay? You call me 24/7 if you need anything. Yeah, I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Sharona: Oh, thanks a lot. Thanks. Capt. Stot

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Lt. Disher: Captain! [Hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer puts the file folder to his forehead] Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [Hands the file back to Randy] Lt. Disher: How did you know that? Capt. Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say. That's scrap paper. [Monk is looking at a board of victims' photos] What about the ten dollar bills? Anything on them? Lt. Disher: They’re from a bank in San Mateo, Wells Fargo, untraceable. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Of course they are. [Addresses the other detectives] All right, everybody, listen up! Listen up! We’re not gonna find him flailing in the dark. Let’s communicate, keep each other briefed. We’re going dumpster diving. We’re gonna- [stops as he notices Randy putting up a sheet of paper on the crime board] Capt. Stot

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

Monk: Why do you torture me like this? Sharona: Because I can.

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Listen to this: this is "News from Around the World," Paris, France. There is an unsolved murder; a woman was found strangled, and both of her hands were cut off. Sharona: Oh my God! Lt. Disher: That happens all the time: no fingerprints. Makes it harder to ID the body. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Now here's the thing: they found the hands. They were a couple of meters away from the body in the grass. Monk: The killer cut off both hands, but then left them near the body? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah. She and her husband both worked as curators at the prison museum in the Bastille. Monk: Prison museum? Lieutenant Lafitte: [[[w:French language|In French] Captain Dupres, there is a detective calling from America. He has solved the murder of Madame Beaudreau. Captain Dupres: [In French] He solved it? Lieutenant Lafitte: [In French] By reading a newspaper, from 9,000 kilometers away! [Dupres sighs and picks up the phone] Captain Dupres: Captain Dupres, Prefecture de Police. [Scene o

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem? Capt. Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper. [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley] That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes: first you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost. Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah, it is if you were intentionally damaging your car so you wouldn't have to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article. [Turns to a front page article] "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection. Lt. Disher: [Looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Turn around. Put your hands on the car. [Cowley complies and Stottlemeyer handcuffs him] You sir, are under arrest, for vehicular manslaughter, leaving the scene of a crime, and for the murder

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

Lt. Disher: Captain, I have a thought. [Stottlemeyer doesn't look up, and waves his fingers] About paperboy. [Stottlemeyer continues gesturing with his fingers] Capt. Stottlemeyer: This means "hurry up". Lt. Disher: It was a burglary; the paperboy interrupted a B&E in progress. It fits: there were five break-ins on that block last year alone. Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Stands up] Nope. I already looked into that. All of those break-ins were hot prowlers - forced entry with a crowbar. Lt. Disher: Right. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Our guy was empty-handed. Lt. Disher: What about a car thief? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, that doesn't explain the taking of the newspapers, doesn't it? [He puts on his overcoat] Lt. Disher: Right. So we're back to Monk's theory? Capt. Stottlemeyer: I'm afraid so. [Shows Randy the door] And this means "we're leaving".

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

Monk: When did it happen? Capt. Stottlemeyer: The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale. Sharona: Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [To Randy] Along with your letter in it to me. Lt. Disher: It wasn't to you! Capt. Stottlemeyer: His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of a bottle] Monk: No prints on the bottle? Lt. Disher: Nothing yet. Monk: Surveillance camera? Lt. Disher: Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk] Capt. Stottlemeyer: Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery. Monk: No, this was no robbery. C

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

Sharona: [Answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [To Monk] Adrian? You have a brother? Monk: No. Sharona: [Into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk. Monk: Wait, wait... I might have a brother. Sharona: You told me you were an only child. Monk: I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues. Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues? Monk: Don't you people have work to do?! There's a dead woman over there!

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

Sharona: Ambrose, come with us. Ambrose Monk: Outside? Oh no, I can't. Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life? Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona. Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone. Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something. Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed. Monk: I was being sarcastic. Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

Monk: What's that for? Sharona: For making my family seem normal.

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

Monk: He (van Ranken) was at the park all last night. Sharona: Maybe to bury something. Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance. Sharona: How do you know that? Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian? Monk: Um... Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree... Sharona: Wow. Ambrose Monk: Which are found... Monk: Um... Ambrose Monk: Near water... Sharona: Wow. Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance. Sharona: Wow! Monk: Please stop staying "wow." Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy. Sharona: Looks like you got a new partner. Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.

Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star

Sharona: I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me. Monk: No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.

Mr. Monk and the T.V. Star

Monk: Oh, my God. I think I know what happened here. Sharona, you're not going to like this. Just-just try to keep an open mind, hear me out... Sharona: [Sadly] He did it, didn't he?

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera? Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man? Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN! Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Granny Parlo: And--and it was raining. Sharona: Are you sure? It wasn't raining all last week. Granny Parlo: Listen, missy. I think I know what rain feels like. And that's what I felt when they carried me from the van into the house.

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Lt. Disher: Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here. Lt. Disher: Okay. I'll just wait here and-- Sharona: Weep openly. Lt. Disher: --do some paperwork. Sharona: While you weep openly.

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Monk: Oh my God! Sharona: [Sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be? Lt. Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless. Sharona: What's that on your face? Lt. Disher: Dirt. Sharona: [To Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]

Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready? Phone Technician: Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace. Capt. Stottlemeyer: How long do we need? Phone Technician: Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone... Capt. Stottlemeyer: Which it will be. Phone Technician: ...we'll need 45 seconds. Julie Parlo: Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yep. Julie Parlo: Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence. Lt. Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

Lt. Disher: Captain! That was Monk! Lt. Disher: He said he solved the case. Capt. Stottlemeyer: He what? Lt. Disher: He says it's not a union thing. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Is he sure? Lt. Disher: He's Monk.

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck?

Mr. Monk Gets Married

Sharona: Have you been drinking? Lt. Disher: Yes, I have. I couldn't think of any other way to get all this Scotch into my body.

Mr. Monk Gets Married

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic. Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground - terrible, terrible things.

Mr. Monk Gets Married

Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married. Monk: We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

Mr. Monk Gets Married

Monk: I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room. Sharona: Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it. Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes! You live in a dream world.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

Warden Christie: Where's Ray Kaspo? Guard: In the holding cell, having his last meal. Ribs and chili. Warden Christie: Ribs and chili? That might kill him before we do.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

Monk: It seems prison agrees with you, Dale. Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life. Monk: That's very poetic. Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I want to make you an offer... Sharona: Oh please, drop dead! Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Well, you'd think I would have by now, wouldn't you? [Laughs]

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

Spyder Rudner: Is that your old lady? Monk: Yes. Spyder Rudner: Is she waiting for you? Monk: Yes, she is.

Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

Spyder Rudner: All right, Adolf, let him go! Lody: It's not about you, Spyder! Spyder Rudner: The guy's a friend of mine. Lody: He's a cop! Spyder Rudner: Yeah, so I've heard. Let him go. Lody: You'd side with a cop over us? Spyder Rudner: I'd side with a cucaracha over you.