Quotes

Dialogue

Seth: [about Evan's mom] I am TRULY jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby. Evan: Yeah, well... least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Dialogue

Evan: Look at those nipples. Seth: They're like little baby toes. Evan: It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in. Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Dialogue

Seth: You know it's been like two years since I've seen an actual human female nipple? Evan: Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now? Seth: Yeah. Evan: I guess so, but she was insanely hot. Seth: Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks! Evan: How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her. You got like two dozen handjobs. Seth: Yes, and 3/4 of a blowjob, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early. Evan: [smirks] You're like Orson Welles. Seth: Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!

Dialogue

Evan: [talking about porn sites] You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean, that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site. Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN, which is a huge concern. Evan: Right, I didn't realize that. Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself? Evan: No. Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.

Dialogue

Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work. Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth. Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him. Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki. I'm getting impatient up here. Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's BS. ...Excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry. I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke, no offense, it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit. And I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food, no offense, and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Whe

Dialogue

Fogell: Yo, guys! What's up? Evan: Fogell, where have you been, man? Seth: You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what? Fogell: No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it! Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. Alright, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to...McLovin? Fogell: Yeah. Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer? Fogell: No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there. Seth: And you landed on McLovin? Fogell: Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad. Seth: Why the fuck would it between that and Muhammad? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person? Fogell: "Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once! Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"? Fogell: Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"? Seth: No! That's why you picked a dumb fuckin

Dialogue

Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field! Evan: Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again. Seth: Dude, just listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up to me, and they asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to fuck me, she wants my dick... [Catches breath] in and around her mouth. Evan: Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick? Seth: Of course I thought that. That's the first thing that came to mind. But she's got an older brother and she could've asked him, but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.—down to fuck, man. P and Vagi, she wants to fuck, man! Tonight is a nigh

Dialogue

Seth: You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are shit-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan. Evan: I should buy Becca alcohol? Seth: Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like, "Ahh, I was so shitfaced last night! I shouldn't have fucked that guy!" We could be that mistake!

Dialogue

Evan: Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school? Seth: No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since 'Nam!

Dialogue

Officer Michaels: You know, this job, though, isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true! Officer Slater: Yup. Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier. Officer Slater: Hell yeah! Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen. Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was. Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat. Officer Slater: Smell it out. Anything. Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if

Dialogue

Evan: Do you want to get killed for liquor? Seth: No, but I would get killed for pussy. No questions asked!

Dialogue

Officer Michaels: Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies? Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about...but the "coming".

Dialogue

Seth: You fucking prick! Evan: What? Seth: You bailed on me. Evan: I didn't bail on you. Seth: Yeah, you did. You said you were gonna do something, and you didn't do it. That's "bailing"! Evan: You're the one that drive me to that fucking party with those lunatics, man! I didn't bail on you! Seth: You BAILED on me! Okay?! You bailed on me this morning when Jesse spat on me, and you're bailing on me next year! Evan: The fu— [scoffs] It finally comes out. That's good, man. Seth: We were supposed to go to college together, Evan. Since we were little kids, since elementary school, that's all we ever talked about was US going to college together, and you got into fucking DARTMOUTH! Evan: You're making me feel like I'm a bad guy! Like, w-what am I, uh...? I didn't do anything wrong. I got into a good school! Seth: How the FUCK am I supposed to get into Dartmouth? You KNEW I couldn't get into Dartmouth— Evan: How fucking selfish are you?! You had no problem letting Fogell take the fall back t

Dialogue

Fogell: What's it like to have a gun? Officer Michaels: It is...awesome! I mean, I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

Dialogue

Becca: I'm so wet right now. Evan: Yeah...they said that would happen in health class.

Dialogue

Becca: You have such a smooth cock! Evan: Yours would be too...if you were a man.