Quotes

Dialogue

Calvin: These are stock certificates. They denote ownership in a company. Adam: Those look pretty. May I see them? Calvin: Sure. They are yours. Your mother and I bought these for you before you were born to give you some money to help you out in your adult years. Unfortunately, they are all worthless now.

Dialogue

Archbishop Melcher: All of these things, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Heroin Anonymous.. Drunk: There is a Heroin Anonymous? Melcher: Will you please...shut up? Drunk: Sorry. Melcher: All of these things ask you to believe in something greater than yourself. Well, I have turned my eyes skyward a time or two, and I have seen nothing, except an airplane or two, which I cannot afford to get on! Drunk: Earthquake! Melcher: Let it be. [Drunk runs for cover. Floor breaks and Calvin, wearing a radiation suit rises] Calvin Webber: Welcome! [shines flashlight at Archbishop Melcher, who just hid nearby] Leave my elevator alone.

Dialogue

Transvestite hooker: Got a light, honey? Calvin: Were you a victim of the blast? Transvestite hooker: Honey, I have been a victim of the blast, the clap, you name it. As the song goes, a country boy can survive. Calvin: Did you say you were a country boy? Transvestite hooker: Cute little old man, if you want a boy I can be a boy. If you want a girl I can be a girl. Calvin: [horrified to what he thinks is a mutant] No thank you, good day. [gets inside adult bookstore; scream heard offscreen] AAAUGH!

Dialogue

Calvin: Son, stay out of the adult bookstore. Adam: How come? Calvin: Poison gas is in there. Troy: Eve, look what I found in the suitcase. It's stock certificates. I mean, it's got, like-- [Eve leaves the bedroom] It's got, like, IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and... "Ipana"? I remember this brand. I didn't know they still made this. Oh. Look at this. [shows Eve something] It says "Trademark 1961." Stockbroker: Purchased in 1958 and '59... ten thousand shares of each? They'd be worth millions. Hell, I don't know. Millions upon millions... Troy: Upon millions. The stocks, the baseball cards... the clothes... the toothpaste. The guy's on the level. [has Eve faces him] Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met. Eve: And I have him committed. Troy: Yes, you did. Eve: Well at least I fell for him before I found out he was rich.

Dialogue

Eve: I made some champagne cocktails, like you requested. Funny, I only thought hookers drank these things. Adam: I know Mom sure likes them. Adam Webber: Dad, I don't know how to tell you this and I was gonna wait for a while to do it, but... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed in our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers. Calvin Webber: You sure? Adam: Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War's over. Calvin: That's what everybody believes? Adam: Yes, sir. It's true. Calvin: What, the Politburo one day say "we give up"? Adam: Yes. That's kind of how it was. Calvin: Uh-huh. [finally realizes that World War III didn't come to pass] My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right? Adam: Um, I think they did.