Blast from the Past

Calvin: These are stock certificates. They denote ownership in a company. Adam: Those look pretty. May I see them? Calvin: Sure. They are yours. Your mother and I bought these for you before you were born to give you some money to help you out in your adult years. Unfortunately, they are all worthless now.

Blast from the Past, CC BY-SA 4.0

Archbishop Melcher: All of these things, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Heroin Anonymous.. Drunk: There is a Heroin Anonymous? Melcher: Will you please...shut up? Drunk: Sorry. Melcher: All of these things ask you to believe in something greater than yourself. Well, I have turned my eyes skyward a time or two, and I have seen nothing, except an airplane or two, which I cannot afford to get on! Drunk: Earthquake! Melcher: Let it be. [Drunk runs for cover. Floor breaks and Calvin, wearing a radiation suit rises] Calvin Webber: Welcome! [shines flashlight at Archbishop Melcher, who just hid nearby] Leave my elevator alone.

Blast from the Past, CC BY-SA 4.0

Transvestite hooker: Got a light, honey? Calvin: Were you a victim of the blast? Transvestite hooker: Honey, I have been a victim of the blast, the clap, you name it. As the song goes, a country boy can survive. Calvin: Did you say you were a country boy? Transvestite hooker: Cute little old man, if you want a boy I can be a boy. If you want a girl I can be a girl. Calvin: [horrified to what he thinks is a mutant] No thank you, good day. [gets inside adult bookstore; scream heard offscreen] AAAUGH!

Blast from the Past, CC BY-SA 4.0

Calvin: Son, stay out of the adult bookstore. Adam: How come? Calvin: Poison gas is in there. Troy: Eve, look what I found in the suitcase. It's stock certificates. I mean, it's got, like-- [Eve leaves the bedroom] It's got, like, IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and... "Ipana"? I remember this brand. I didn't know they still made this. Oh. Look at this. [shows Eve something] It says "Trademark 1961." Stockbroker: Purchased in 1958 and '59... ten thousand shares of each? They'd be worth millions. Hell, I don't know. Millions upon millions... Troy: Upon millions. The stocks, the baseball cards... the clothes... the toothpaste. The guy's on the level. [has Eve faces him] Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met. Eve: And I have him committed. Troy: Yes, you did. Eve: Well at least I fell for him before I found out he was rich.

Blast from the Past, CC BY-SA 4.0

Eve: I made some champagne cocktails, like you requested. Funny, I only thought hookers drank these things. Adam: I know Mom sure likes them. Adam Webber: Dad, I don't know how to tell you this and I was gonna wait for a while to do it, but... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed in our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers. Calvin Webber: You sure? Adam: Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War's over. Calvin: That's what everybody believes? Adam: Yes, sir. It's true. Calvin: What, the Politburo one day say "we give up"? Adam: Yes. That's kind of how it was. Calvin: Uh-huh. [finally realizes that World War III didn't come to pass] My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right? Adam: Um, I think they did.

Blast from the Past, CC BY-SA 4.0