Quotes
M*A*S*H, season 8
Back to M*A*S*H, season 8Quotes
Are You Now, Margaret?
Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.
Read the full quoteAre You Now, Margaret?
(to Willamson, furious at his blather about the Red Menace) Don't tell us about the Red Menace! We're up to our ankles in it! It comes out of those kids you keep sending us!
Read the full quoteHawkeye Are You Now, Margaret?
Williamson: Will someone please tell me what's going on here?
BJ: We thought your wife might like some pictures of your fact-finding tour.
Hawkeye: Suitable for hanging.
Read the full quoteAre You Now, Margaret?
Klinger: (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers) Here; read this.
Hawkeye: (reading) "Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"
Everyone else: *gasps of surprise*
Hawkeye: (reading on)…
Read the full quoteGuerrilla My Dreams
Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.
Read the full quoteCharles Guerrilla My Dreams
Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.
Read the full quoteB.J. Guerrilla My Dreams
You son of a bitch.
Read the full quoteHawkeye Goodbye, Radar (Part 1)
Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
BJ: Why? What's wrong?
Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed…
Read the full quoteGoodbye, Radar (Part 1)
And to top it all off, my Nehi is warm.
Read the full quoteRadar Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)
Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got…
Read the full quotePotter Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)
That's a bear we all have to cross.
Read the full quoteRadar Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)
Driver: Where are you headed?
Radar: Ottumwa, Iowa.
Driver: Never heard of it. I guess anywhere you live is home.
Radar: I'm ready, let's go.
Read the full quotePeriod of Adjustment
Well, if it isn't Hawkeye Benjamin Franklin Pierce, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.
Read the full quoteBJ Period of Adjustment
(to Klinger) So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT-kicking contest!
Read the full quotePotter Period of Adjustment
Potter: Folks around here were pretty fond of Henry Blake when he ran this fort, weren't they?
Klinger: Well, sure, the Colonel was a top notch kind of a guy.
Potter: You bet he was. And, I don't mind telling, you my…
Read the full quoteNurse Doctor
Mulcahy: I had to give a girl the brush-off!
Hawkeye: (stunned) Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.
Read the full quoteNurse Doctor
Hawkeye: Come again?
Mulcahy: She was hugging the stuffing out of me!
Read the full quoteNurse Doctor
Well I don't blame her, Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.
Read the full quoteHawkeye Nurse Doctor
Margaret: [walks into Potter's office along with Mulcahy and Hawkeye] You wanted to see us, sir?
Potter: Not really, but it's the only way I can talk to you.
Hawkeye: What's this about Colonel?
Potter: Glad you asked.…
Read the full quotePrivate Finance
Mulcahy: You know, you'd make a fine priest.
Hawkeye: Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.
Read the full quotePrivate Finance
(to Hawkeye) This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!
Read the full quotePotter Private Finance
Klinger: (to Korean mother who accuses him of conduct unbecoming) Madam, it is against the rules to fold, spindle, or perforate military personnel. Could we go back to the broom or how about a vacuum cleaner? Uhh Colonel…
Read the full quoteMr. and Mrs. Who?
Charles: Klinger, unless my pants are on fire you are a dead man.
Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I…
Read the full quoteMr. and Mrs. Who?
BJ: Now, Father- we understand this ceremony may be against the tenets of your religion
Potter: (drunk) I didn't know tennis was a religion!
Read the full quoteMr. and Mrs. Who?
BJ: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
Charles: I undo.
BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled…
Read the full quoteThe Yalu Brick Road
You know you feal after eatting two many hot dogs and drinking too much cheap booze?'I wish I felt that good!'
"You mean Klinger poisoned us with his Thanksgiving surprise?"
Read the full quoteRizzo The Yalu Brick Road
"It sure looks that way."
Read the full quotePotter The Yalu Brick Road
Rizzo: "Now I hope I live...just so I can KILL Klinger!"
Rizzo: Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
Mulcahy: Certainly, Sergeant.
Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.…
Read the full quoteThe Yalu Brick Road
Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.
Read the full quoteHawkeye Life Time
Hawkeye: We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.…
Read the full quoteLife Time
Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
Charles: And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave…
Read the full quoteDear Uncle Abdul
Holy Toledo! (to Charles) Major, either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!
Read the full quoteKlinger Dear Uncle Abdul
It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in…
Read the full quoteKlinger Captains Outrageous
(about a General) The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.
Read the full quotePotter Captains Outrageous
(after finally receiving his captain's bars) This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!
Read the full quoteMulcahy Stars and Stripes
I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.
Read the full quoteMargaret Stars and Stripes
(to Margaret) Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
Read the full quoteHawkeye Yessir, That's Our Baby
Hawkeye: If he tries to leave the room one more time, he's gonna be a diplomatic corpse.
Charles: Now, you see, Pierce? This is precisely the reason that I am needed here. Your pugnacious attitude will accomplish…
Read the full quoteYessir, That's Our Baby
Hawkeye: Look, Prescott, this "unattended juvenile" you're so blithely dismissing could conceivably be murdered in the name of racial purity. You got space on your application for that?!
Charles: Pierce, I'm handling…
Read the full quoteBottle Fatigue
Charles: Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs.…
Read the full quoteHeal Thyself
(afraid of catching mumps) If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!
Read the full quoteKlinger Heal Thyself
Margaret: Let me get you to your tent.
Potter: I'd better warn you, Major, I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug. And I make one ornery patient.
Margaret: Well, I make one ornery nurse! Take it easy.
Winchester…
Read the full quoteHeal Thyself
But what can you give a man who has everything, including the mumps? - His very own roomie! - So here he is now Charles Emerson Winchester the puffed.
Read the full quoteHawkeye Heal Thyself
Winchester: At least the other doctors have something to do. The only activity I am allowed is talking.
Potter: Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!
Winchester: I do not…
Read the full quoteHeal Thyself
Potter: Gin.
Winchester: Again? Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey. Fifty-four points, record.
Potter: Oh, shut up and deal. I…
Read the full quoteHeal Thyself
(after walking out of OR and going into the tent) The blood won't come off. No matter what I do it just stays there. See? Never gonna go away. No matter how many times I wash or how much I scrub it's gonna stay there.…
Read the full quoteNewsome Old Soldiers
It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em. Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in…
Read the full quotePotter Old Soldiers
Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
Charles: Unworthy of you.
Read the full quoteMorale Victory
Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
Everyone: Yeah!
BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.…
Read the full quoteMorale Victory
(sarcastically) Evening Captains Heckle and Jeckle, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.
Read the full quotePotter Lend a Hand
Charles: What about we do something civilized?
Klinger: Like what?
Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from…
Read the full quoteLend a Hand
Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
Read the full quoteGoodbye, Cruel World
I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.
Read the full quoteHawkeye Goodbye, Cruel World
Potter: Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing…
Read the full quoteDreams
Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.
Read the full quotePotter Dreams
I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
Read the full quotePotter Dreams
General Coogan: (on the phone) Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a sound reason for not sending those ambulances into combat.
Lt. Garvey: Yes, sir!
General Coogan: Well, why don't you come down here in the flesh and tell me…
Read the full quoteBack Pay
Potter: Okey-dokey?
Charles: Colonel, I...
Potter: Say "okey-dokey," Major.
Charles: Okey...dokey.
Read the full quoteApril Fools
Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering…
Read the full quoteApril Fools
Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
Klinger: What is it?
Rizzo: Never smile.
Klinger: Huh?…
Read the full quoteApril Fools
Pierce, that is a childish, totally immature and petulant suggestion.....When do we nail the swine?
Read the full quoteWinchester