Quotes

Others

Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it. Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you! Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z." Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!

Dialogue

Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic. Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!

Dialogue

Question #1: Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock. Tommy: (writes down) Herbie.

Dialogue

Tommy: [gets off the airplane] Richard Hayden! Richard: Tommy. Tommy: Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport? Richard: He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane. Tommy: He said he had a surprise for me. Richard: Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called. Tommy: I did call, earlier, when... using the phone. Richard: Earlier? When was that? Tommy: Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message. Richard: A message? What number did you call? Tommy: Two... four.. niner... five, six seven... Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie? Tommy: No, it was cordless. Richard: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now. Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated. Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right. Tommy: Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard: I know. They're called doctors. [looks behind Tommy as his lugga

Dialogue

Richard: Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value. Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that. Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell. Tommy: Your... your brain has the fuckin' shell on it. Richard: Are you talking? Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

Dialogue

Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright. Paul: Does it make a difference? Tommy: Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time? Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is. Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push. Paul: And? Tommy: They fall over. Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb? Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas!

Dialogue

Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud! Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose] Tommy: Oh, man, that's cold! [he dances and starts singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before! [Paul then sprays him in the face to clean the mud off] Tommy: [laughs] Why?

Dialogue

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat? Richard: No, your face does.

Dialogue

Tommy: [laughs] It's a clip. Richard: Ha ha, you sure? All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no-- Tommy: No shit from anyone! Richard: No. Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners! Richard: We don't take no for answer. Tommy: Oh yeah.

Dialogue

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm. Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Dialogue

Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it? Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here. Tommy: No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull. Richard: Wow... Mr. Brady: Boy, I'm at a loss for words here - Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment! Richard: [to Mr. Brady; pulls out a business card] We'll keep in touch.

Dialogue

Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in. Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. Richard: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space! I swear to God, you're worthless! Tommy: I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad. Richard: That's right, you're not your dad! He can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. Tommy: Ketchup popsicle? Richard: Yeah, I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father, but he looked out for me. But you, he was your father and you just took it for granted. "Hey, look, I'm Big Tom's son. He can fix anything, so I'm allowed to be a moron!" Tommy: THAT'S IT!! Come on! Get out of the car! It's go time, you and me! Richard: [imitating a littl

Dialogue

Tommy: Hey, what's your name? Helen: Helen. Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. [holds a dinner roll] Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right? Helen: God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw on some wings for you. Tommy: Hey, thanks, Helen. [in a childish voice] Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy! Richard: [to Tommy, regardin

Dialogue

Tommy: Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting. Ted Nelson: Go on, I'm listening. Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside. Ted Nelson: Yeah, makes a man feel good. Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted? Ted Nelson: What's your point? Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Buildin' model airplanes!" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off your dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I've seen it a hundred times. Ted Nelson: But why do they put a guarantee on the box? Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shi

Dialogue

Richard: Housekeeping? Tommy: No thank you. Sleeping. Richard: Housekeeping? Tommy: Come back in an hour. Richard: Housekeeping, you want towel? Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy. Richard: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow? Tommy: Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off? Tommy: [gets out of bed] What kinda hotel is this?... [opens the door] Oh, it's you. Richard: Good morning, sunshine.

Dialogue

Reservationist: Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help? Richard: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met? Reservationist: I don't think so.

Dialogue

Richard: Mr. Callahan, I'm going to need your John Hancock on these papers. Tommy: John Hancock, haha. It's Herbie Hancock.