Quotes

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Weird Italian Guy: [On train] Mi Scusi! Donny: Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday. PC Mail Notification: Beep-beep! Mail Motherfucker! Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand. Frontman Donny of rock band Lustra: [Taps on microphone to get attention of the party] Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Going to play a little song for you about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know... Fiona. [Fiona bursts out from crowd and jumps on stage] This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary. [Band starts playing] Scotty doesn't know, that Fiona and me, do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church. But she doesn't go. Still she's on her knees, and Scotty doesn't know... Oh, Scotty does

Dialogue

Voiceover: Congratulations, Hudson High Class of 2004! Scott: There she is. Fiona! Hey. Fiona: Hey! Scott: Hey, you. Fiona: Congratulations, graduate. [They hug] Scott: Thanks, baby. Fiona: And congratulations to you, Cooper.F Cooper: [Lean in to hug her] Aww. Thanks, baby! Fiona: [She pushes Cooper back] Nice try. Cooper: All right. See you at Wade's party tonight? Scott: See you then. So, it's just you and me for the entire summer. Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned. Fiona: Scott, we need to talk. Scott: Yeah? About what? Fiona: About me dumping you. Scott: Huh? Scott's father: There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend. Scott's mother: [Shooting camcorder] Okay? Smile, you two! Action! Scott: Dad, Mom, Grandma... Uncle Moke... uh... I'm gonna need a minute here, okay? [To Fiona] What do you mean, you're dumping me? Fiona: I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore. Scott: What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never c

Dialogue

Cooper: [Watching on computer] Let's see that again. Video Scott: Fiona! Cooper: This is just so brutal. And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on. Video Scott: Fiona! Scott: Bert, get out of here! Cooper: All right. Stay black, bro. [Fist bumps him] Bert: Okay. See you. [Walking in hallway] "Fiona!" Computer: Mail, motherfucker! Scott: Hey, I got one from Mieke. "Happy Herzlichen." Cooper: Still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class. Scott: Yeah at first, but we're actually becoming good friends. He's a really cool guy. "Dear Mieke, greetings from your American pen pal." Cooper: Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a [does air quotes] "cool guy" on the "internet." This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know, he'll want to "arrange a meeting" where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van, and make a wind chime out of your genitals. Come on, let's go to Wade's. Scott: All right. Screw it. Let's

Dialogue

Jenny: What's up, losers? Scott: What's up, Jenny? Jenny: What's up, dude? Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore. Scott: That's very sweet of you. Thanks. Cooper: Enough Fiona talk. Look around. There's gotta be 100 drunk girls. We should try to have sex with every one of 'em. Jenny: Hello? Mixed company? Cooper: What? Jenny: I'm a girl! Cooper: No, you're not! You're just a cool guy with long hair! So, where's your evil twin brother? Jamie: Jenny! Cooper: There he is. Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see. Jenny: Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin. Cooper: You do? You guys are the worst twins ever! Scott: When are you guys taking off? Jenny: Tomorrow morning. Scott: [To Wade tied up at a tree] Hey, Wade! Great party, buddy! Jenny: Man, I am so excited! A whole summer, backpacking around Europe. You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty! It's gonna be so awesome! Jamie: Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun! Cooper: You brought a guid

Dialogue

Girl 1: I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school. Girl 2: We will be. Girl 1: I know. Girl 2: Who needs more Chablis? Girl 1: Candy, wanna come with? Candy: No, I'll stay here. Cooper: Well, there's your R-rating right there. [He jumps into hot-tub] Whoops! Holy cow! Oh, this isn't where I parked my car! Donny: I can't believe He's so trusting! While I'm right behind you thrusting! Candy: Cooper Harris, you're a pig! Cooper: Uh... Candy, you should clean that off before you go. Candy: Clean what off? Cooper: You got a little something on you. Candy: Where? Cooper: Right there. It's like a smudge, or something. Candy: Where? Cooper: It's like dirt, or something. Just go like this. Candy: Is it off? Cooper: No, keep rubbing it. Donny: I did it with her on his birthday. Cooper: Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... No, it's just not coming off. Candy: What is it? Cooper: Maybe tree sap or something. Try pinching it. No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what. Lick your fing

Dialogue

Scott: [Turns attention to computer] Hey, Mieke. [Reads e-mail aloud] "Dear Scott, I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you. Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to America "and we could get to know each other better. Perhaps we could... "zussamen." What the fuck is "zussamen"? [Looks up dictionary] "Arrange a meeting." No, no, no! Come on! Cooper was right! This guy wants to have sex with me. [Starts typing] Listen, Mieke... I don't want to arrange any meetings with you, you sick, German freak. So please keep your hands off my genitals, and never write to me again, and don't come to America. Goodbye." [Falls off chair] Oww. [He wakes up in bed and sees Bert at his computer] I'm never drinking again. Bert: Oh, that's nice. Scott: Bert, what are you doing? Bert: Reading your email. Scott: Don't do that. Why are you wearing my bathrobe? Bert: Oh, I'm sorry... but somebody pissed all over mine last night. Wow. I can't believe this German chick wa

Dialogue

Mieke's boyfriend: I've unblocked your email address, but this Scott is not responding. Mieke's: He was the one. I was going to give myself to him. Mieke's boyfriend: Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else... fraulein. [He sweeps books off desk and picks up Mieke laying her on it kissing her passionately]

Dialogue

Scott: I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up. Cooper: Oh, man, that was a wild night. Scott: You think? Cooper: Scotty, where the hell are we going? Scott: Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us. Scott's mother: Honey, where's Scotty? Scott's father: Cooper said they were going camping. Scott's mother: Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert? Scott's father: Fuck if I know. Mad Maynard: Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table. Cooper: Right. Mad Maynard: Except those fucking Ities. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean? Scott: Excuse me. Mad Maynard: Hello, boyo! Scott: What the hell happened last night? Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip. Scott: What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going? Mad Maynard: We're going to see the Mighty Reds do

Dialogue

Jamie: [Takes train tickets] Better let me hold on to those. [Puts it in money belt] Cooper: What the hell is that? Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything. Cooper: Except your dignity. Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what? Cooper: Come on, guidebook. Let's go. Cooper: [Becomes transfixed on woman bending over at vending machine] Check it out. European ass. [Woman turns around and it's Jenny] Jenny: What's up? Cooper: Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4. Jenny: Thanks. Jenny: [Can shoots out machine and rolls along floor] Damn! Christoph: [He catches the can] I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph. Cooper: Jenny, let's go! Move it! Jenny: Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin... Cooper: Jenny! Jenny: I'm coming! Christoph: So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine. Jenny: Jennifer.

Dialogue

Cooper: What? You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune. Scott: You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments. Italian man: Huh? Ah! Si, si. Pardon me. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with the man got his hand on Jamie's knee who looks down at his hand who points to it with an open hand] Eh? Ohhh... Scusi. Mi scusi. Hi. [Jamie and Cooper rush to other seat side but Jamie is pushed away, man pats Jamie's seat spot] Buongiorno. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with man massaging Jamie's shoulders] Jamie: What the hell are you doing?! Italian man: Mi scusi, mi scusi. Jamie: No! No, no, no! Scott: Uh-oh. Jamie: What?! Scott: Big tunnel! Jamie: Who's touching me?! Scotty, is that you?! Who's touching me?! Scotty! Oh! Italian man: Mi Scusi. Buongiorno. [Man is thrown out of compartment and his pants thrown out after who picks it up and walks away]

Dialogue

Jamie: Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here. Cooper: Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town? Jamie: Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving." Cooper: What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here. Jenny: Hmm. Says here this town has a famous nude beach. Cooper: All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!

Dialogue

Cooper: So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly? Scott: Wait, wait. Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too? Cooper: Of course. Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag? Jamie: As long as this thing has our money and passports in it, it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either. Cooper: Come on. You came all the way to Europe. Can't wimp out now. Okay. All right, on the count of three. Here we go. [They takes off pants] Look at Jamie's penis! Jamie: Very funny. Very funny. Cooper: All right. Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin! Here we go. Really? Yes. Mm-hmm. Hello, ladies! [They run to beach only to realize it's all men] Beach visitors: Ladies? Bitches? Cooper: Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls. I don't understand! Jamie: [Turns over a page in Frommer's with a you-should-know-better face] Crans Sur Mer ha

Dialogue

Cooper: Reading Mieke's old emails again? Scott: Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what? Cooper: Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet. Scott: Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I? Mieke: I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet. Scott: Mieke! I'm here. Mieke: Scotty! Scott: About that last email. I'm so sorry... Mieke: The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty. Scott: Okay. Mieke: Oh, Scott... [Scott wakes up and realizes Mieke is actually Italian man] Italian man: Mi bello... Mi scusi! [Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in] Song lyrics: Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff. Scott: Guys, o

Dialogue

Scott: This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys. Jenny: You'll do great, Scotty. Scott: Thanks. Cooper: I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. [Grandmother greets door] Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run! Scott: Stop. [Mieke's father appears] Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke. Mieke's father: I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here. Scott: Do you know where she is? Mieke's father: She's gone for the summer. Mieke's father: My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why. Scott: I think I know why. Mieke's father: This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden. Scott: Do you know where she is now? Mieke's father: She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the oc