Quotes

Other

What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!

Dialogue

Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny? John: Fuckin' right! Ted: Come on, let's sing the thunder song. John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts!"

Dialogue

Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes? Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath. Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before. Ted: That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box! Store Manager: You're hired. Ted: Shit!

Dialogue

Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public? Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children. Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you. Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?

Dialogue

John: [talking on his phone] Hi, Ted. Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here! John: Why? What's going on? Ted: So I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here! John: What? Ted: Sam Jones, Flash fuckin' Gordon, is here! John: Holy shit, what? Ted: You remember how I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin, and who do you think is with him? Sam Jones! Sam Jones is here, and John, [whispering] his hair is parted down the middle! John: Just like in the movie. Ted: Yes. Get over here right now. John: Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori. I'm already on probation. I... I just can't. Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil, and that the word "acting" apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me. John: ...I'm coming.

Dialogue

Sam Jones: We are gonna party like the eighties. Ted: Show us how, Flash. Sam Jones: Easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie. Ted: God, Johnny, I've got so much energy. We'd better start doing stupid shit.

Dialogue

Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon. John: Are you gonna do it? Sam Jones: I'm gonna punch through! Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!

Dialogue

Rex: Lori, I need to see you in my office. Lori: The thing is Rex, I have a lot of work I need to get through. Rex: Oh this is work I swear. Lori: Ugh great. Rex: Good luck then.

Dialogue

Ted: Hey, Johnny, there you are. Man, I had to get some air. That guy from your office is in there on the couch makin' out with that Van Wilder-lookin' guy. John: You know what? Fuck you. I don't even wanna talk to you. Ted: What? John: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fuckin' life just ended! Ted: Wha... Oh, come on. She'll go home, she'll watch Bridget Jones's Somethin'-Asshole, she'll have a good cry, she'll be fine. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs. John: [Furious] Are you even listenin' to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?! Ted: ...Of course I do, Johnny. Thunder Buddies for life, remember? John: Jesus! You know, Lori was right. I shoulda stopped hangin' out with you a long time ago! I'm never gonna have a life with you around! I'm 35 years old and I'm goin' nowhere! All I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy-fuckin'-bear! Because of that, I just lost the love of my life... Ted: Johnny, I'm... I'm sorry. John: I gotta be on my o

Dialogue

Ted: Hey, Johnny. It's me. John: Go away. Ted: Johnny, open the door, please. I wanna talk. John: Jesus Christ! What the fuck, man?! Ted: Sorry. Look, Johnny, I know you're pissed, all right? But just listen to me for five seconds. I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex. John: What? Ted: I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, pickin' her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell. John: You're fuckin' unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by makin' shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're outta your fuckin' mind... Ted: Johnny, it's the truth, I'm tellin' you. John: You know what? Get outta here... Ted: You know, you're actin' like a cock, you know that? John: What?! I'm actin' like a cock?! Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your fuckin' meat hole for a second and listen to me. John: Huh? Ted: Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No.

Dialogue

Robert: NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR! Lori: Holy shit? John: Sorry, Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid, come on.

Dialogue

Donny: You're mine Ted! Ted: Screw you pal, I belong to John Bennett! Donny: But I can give you love and rocking horses, and dancing. Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.

Dialogue

Ted: [after coming back alive, acting as if he had a speech impairment] I'm alive, Johnny! John: Oh, my god! Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked! John: You're back! How did- Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin' retarded. John: [laughing] You asshole! Ted: Come 'ere, you bastard!