Quotes

Pilot [0.01]

Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of his excess weight? Paul? Paul: Eat sensibly. Marjorie: Oh that's rich coming from you. Anyone else? Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate. Marjorie: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate? All the other kids hate him. Chocolate's the only friend he's got. Meera? Meera: Exercise. Marjorie: No I can't... what? Meera: Exercise. Marjorie: What? Do it again... Meera: Exercise. Marjorie: No I can't understand... do it again. Meera: Exercise. Marjorie: One more? Meera: Exercise. Marjorie: No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris, and that's getting some exercise. [to Meera] Oh, that reminds me, a lot of hidden calories in curry. You can exercise anything really, football, jogging... football. I do ten minutes of six step aerobics every month, and that's why I'm so thin. Chris: You're not thin, you're fat. Marjorie: I'm sorry?! Meera, Pat, Paul: Not thin, you're fat. Marjorie: You heard what he said!

Episode One [1.01]

Marjorie Dawes: Meera? Meera: Fish and chips. Marjorie: Sorry, do it again... Meera: Fish and fugn chips. Marjorie: She doesn't make sense... do it again. Meera: Fish and chips. Marjorie Dawes: Do it again. Meera: Oh my got, forget it. Marjorie Dawes: Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.

Episode Three [1.03]

Marjorie Dawes: Lettuce, Lettuce, High in fat, Low in fat, lettuce, Meera! Meera: Low in fat. Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again! Meera: Low in fat. Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again! Meera: Low in fat. Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again. Paul: She said Low in fat! Marjorie Dawes: Alright! Don't patronize her! *patronizes Meera* Low in fat, well done!

Episode Three [1.03]

Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Barbara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul. Paul: [sighs] Cut out biscuits. Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary? Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea. Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person. Barbara: No, I'm not! Marjorie Dawes: Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place! Barbara: Mum does speak to me! I spoke to her yesterday!

Episode Four [1.04]

Dad: Hi, you - open for afternoon tea? Ray McCooney: Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not Dad: Oh, OK. Ray McCooney: N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down. Mum: Oh, what an adorable little place.<br> Kimberley: It smells funny in here. Mum: [whispers] Kimberley! Ray: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley. Ray: Here I am with the cake trolley. Mum: Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley? Kimberley: I want the chocolate cake. Mum: No, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it? Ray: Yeeeeees. Mum: What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know? Ray: Yeeeeees. Dad: Well which? Ray: If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie. Dad: OK, so does the cake contain nuts? Ray: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake

Episode Five [1.05]

Robot career counsellor: What do you have in mind? Boy: Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering. Robot: In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots. Boy: Oh, does that include catering in hotels? Robot: Er, yes. Boy: Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see... Robot: There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth. Boy: Oh dear. Robot career counsellor: This booklet will explain everything. Go now. Boy: Thank you, sir. Robot: Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot. Boy: Yeah.

Episode Six [1.06]

Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no because I've never had sex apart from that one time eight months ago but apart from that I'm a complete virgin.

Episode Six [1.06]

Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday? Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Andy: It's his birthday. He's not dead.

Episode Seven [1.07]

Social Worker: Vicky, where is the baby? Vicky: Swapped it for a Westlife CD. Social Worker: How could you do such a thing? Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.

Episode Eight [1.08]

Daffyd: Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'? <br> Myfanwy: Just a bit of fanny fun. Daffyd: Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams? Myfanwy: Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.

Episode Eight [1.08]

Mr Collier: Your baby? Vicky: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.

Episode Eight [1.08]

Taxman: Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill? Ray: [picks up a pen] Ye-e-s. Taxman: And your magic money paper. Ray: [picks up cheque book] Oh Ye-e-s. Taxman: [winking at taxwoman] Put your mark upon it. [Ray McCooney signs the cheque] And we'll do the rest. Ray: [handing them the blank cheque] Yes, yes, yes, yes! Taxman: Good day. Ray: A-fare-thee-well keepers of the purse! [Starts to play his picalillo but suddenly realises what he has just done] Shit!

Episode Six

Marjorie Dawes: Oh, you've gone up two pounds. [sarcastically] Oh, dear. It's not easy, is it? Do you wanna somehow drag yourself back to your seat? Marjorie: You see, your problem is, Pat, you're a classic yo-yo dieter. You go up and down. [goes to her list of "Good foods" and "Bad foods" on the whiteboard] See, you got your good foods over here. You got your lettuce. Your Ryvita. Your dust. And over here, you got your bad foods. Your chocolate. Your crisps. Your cake. [puts on an over the top Jamaican accent] Oh man, she fat because she love the cake! And here's you, stuck in the middle, yo-yoing between the two. Pat: Marjorie, you've drawn me as a pig. Marjorie: Oh, sorry. [draws some hair on the pig] Pat: Do you know what? I don't need this anymore. I'm not losing weight. Everytime I come, your horrible to me. [gets up from her seat] I've had enough. Marjorie: What? Don't go. Pat: Well, apologize. Say sorry than. Marjorie: Say what? Meera: Say sorry. Marjorie: [to Meera] What? Meer