Quotes

Pilot [1.01]

Mindy: So, you delivered my patient. Danny: You're welcome. May I say, you look great. Mindy: Sorry Danny. I didn't have time to get dolled up for you. 'Cause I was kinda busy freeing myself from wrongful imprisonment. Danny: Wrongful, my God, do you think they'll ever catch the real drunk girl that fell into the pool. Mindy: Hilarious. But I guess it's not hilarious when you get arrested for assault at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Danny: First of all, it's a Springsteen show. Not a Bruce Springsteen concert, you sound ignorant. Second of all, you don't show up at a Springsteen show wearing a John Cougar Mellencamp t-shirt unless you want to get punched in the face. Mindy: How did I get in the Springsteen/Mellencamp conversation again?

Pilot [1.01]

Jeremy: Leave her alone, Danny. She's had a rough night. Danny: Whose fault is that? Jeremy: Everyone loses it at weddings, they're designed to exploit our sentimental side. Mindy: Thank you. I agree with that. Jeremy: I can't recall a wedding where I didn't end up in the arms of some woman I met that night, and not because she was vulnerable, because I was. Danny: You know, I used to think that sex addiction was made up by male celebrities, but now I think it's real. Jeremy: That's not cool. Yes. Yeah, I love sex. I do it a lot, I do it well, but I'm not addicted to it. I'm addicted to attention. Mindy: That is so interesting. Danny: Listen, I'm all for lonely people making connections, but this is the doctors lounge, not the wooded area behind the highway rest stop, all right? I mean really, guys! I hate that I can't read the newspaper in here anymore. Jeremy: Yeah, we get it, Danny. You read the newspaper, you're so much smarter than us. Mindy: We get it, Danny, you're so much smart

Pilot [1.01]

Mindy: Hey, you two. Quick question. Do you care about my career and want me to succeed? Betsy: More than anything in the world. Mindy: Okay, well if that is the case, why are you sending me non-English speaking, pregnant, immigrants with no health insurance, with literally burkahs and stuff? Shuana: I thought she might be rich with oil money. Mindy: Well, she wasn't. She was poor with nothing money. Shuana: Well, why wouldn't you just tell her no? Mindy: Because I am not good at saying no. Okay? One time I left a flea market with a samurai sword. I just need a different kind of patient. Betsy: More white patients, done. [starts writing it down] Mindy: Well don't write that. [whispers] But yes.

Pilot [1.01]

Danny: [watching When Harry Met Sally] Who would actually do that? Billy, don't run! Just- It's New Years, just go out and get laid, man. Mindy: Danny, honestly, what is your problem? Danny: What's my problem? What's his problem? I'd be pissed off if I was Meg Ryan and some guy interrupted my New Years Eve like that. I'd be like, "Hey man, I'm just trying to party with my friends and kiss some strangers at midnight. Leave me alone. What are you doing here?" Mindy: Never speak for Meg Ryan again!

Pilot [1.01]

Danny: I'm assuming your date was cancelled. Mindy: Maybe I won't get married, you know? Maybe I'll do one of those Eat, Pray, Love things. Ugh, no I don't want to pray. Forget it, I'll just die alone. Danny: So who's the guy? Mindy: He was perfect, Danny. He was handsome, he had a job, he was exactly seven inches taller than me, which you know is very important to me. Danny: Was he a man? Mindy: What do you mean? Yeah, of course he was a man. Danny: No, I mean, like, was he a MAN? Mindy: Danny, don't just repeat it and expect me to understand what you're saying. Danny: Was this the kinda guy who, if he heard glass breaking in the middle of the night, is he gonna jump out of bed, and say "stay here," and look through the house naked with a baseball bat, or is he gonna hide under the covers with you? Mindy: I don't know, that's a good question. Danny: Is this the kinda guy who is gonna get grossed out when you give birth, or is her gonna dry your forehead and tell you you look beautiful

Hiring and Firing [1.02]

Mindy: [narrating] Like anyone who goes to the bookstore, I wasn't there to buy books. I do that on the internet at, like, 50% off and free shipping and no tax. [out loud] Oh, my God, $28.95 for a book? [narrating] But luckily, this time, I made an exception, because if there's one thing that I can never resist, it's a good tote bag. [to guy in bookstore] Hey, are you gonna buy that book? Matt: I was thinking about it. Mindy: I'm only asking because I have two books and you have one. So, if we combine them, I could get a tote bag. Matt: But why wouldn't I get the free tote bag? Mindy: 'Cause you're a guy. What do you need a tote bag for? Matt: I can store all my tote bags I don't use in it.

Hiring and Firing [1.02]

Matt: [on which tote bag to get] Shall we go with Shakespeare? Mindy: No. no. I don't support Shakespeare. I heard a story that he didn't write any of his plays. He made his butler write them, and then he took all the credit. Matt: So you're saying the butler did it?

Hiring and Firing [1.02]

Danny: What a nightmare. Four different stops just to ask you out? I mean, how much time does this guy have on his hands? Sounds like a bum. Mindy: Uh, that's rude. And it's not true. Danny: Why? Mindy: Because he does have a job. Guys, he's an architect. [Betsy and Shauna gasp] Danny: Ugh. An architect? I mean, come on. No one's really an architect. I mean, that's a job that guys have in the movies. Mindy: Well, call me Reese Witherspoon, 'cause I'm going on a date with an architect tonight.

Hiring and Firing [1.02]

Danny: I can't believe you're tattling. She's tattling. Mindy: Uh, tattling is when a little girl does it. When a hot woman does it, it's called "whistle-blowing."

Hiring and Firing [1.02]

Danny: Mrs. Hutton, what is your feeling about birthday celebrations in the office? Hutton: Well, when you get to be my age, young man, you really start to appreciate them. Danny: See, I disagree with that. Mindy: You disagree with her feeling? Danny: A birthday's not an achievement. Everyone has a birthday- Serial killers, rapists. Mindy: I'm sorry. So she likes her birthday and now she's a serial killer? Danny: That's just the way the calendar works. If a guy didn't have a birthday, now, that would be interesting. Mindy: I'm sorry, Danny, she's a million years old. Let her enjoy her birthday.

In the Club [1.03]

Danny: What do you mean, you have a sex tape of me? Jeremy: So you found the tape of me? Mindy: Well, well, well. Looks like you guys do check your emails. You are busted! I sent you an email late Saturday night with a subject heading, "answer A.S.A.P." Didn't hear from either of you.

In the Club [1.03]

Shauna: [on the phone] Hey, Carlo, it's Shauna. I need to add a plus one at the club on Friday night. It's my boss, sort of a make-a-wish thing. Ciao. [hangs up] Morgan: Shauna, are you going to a club with Dr. L? Shuana: Oh, you can't come, Morgan. Morgan: Look, you need me to come. I have these amazing pills. Shuana: Oh, God. Morgan: Hold on. If you put one in your drink, it counteracts the effect of a roofie. The only problem is, if you're not already roofied, the pills have very roofie-like side effects. Danny: So basically, your pill's a roofie. Morgan: No! Why does everyone say that? It roofies the roofie.

Danny Castellano Is My Gynecologist [1.05]

[whispering to herself while being weighed by Danny] You're not Mindy, you're a warrior, and your warrior name is... [breathes deeply] Beyoncé Pad Thai.

Danny Castellano Is My Gynecologist [1.05]

[to Jeremy] No offense, but that excuse stinks. I told them you were helping a little black kid.

Two to One [1.08]

Alex: Mindy, you need to move to Europe. Let me put it this way: Do you like good food? Mindy: Mm-hmm. Alex: Do you like art? Mindy: Yep. Alex: Do you like uncircumcised penises? Mindy: Hey. Gwen: Hey! Excuse me. Hello. We're in a restaurant. Alex: I mean, they're everywhere. Mindy: Here's the thing I'm worried about: I get there, no one speaks English, my hair dryer doesn't work, someone tries to pin a drug thing on me.

Hooking Up Is Hard [1.12]

Jeremy: The key, Mindy, is to find a man who you are attracted to but don't respect and can't see a future with. Mindy: Draco Malfoy. Jeremy: Someone not fictitious.

Harry & Sally [1.13]

Danny: How many best friends from college do you have? Mindy: Best friend isn't a person Danny, it's a tier.

Santa Fe [1.21]

Casey: Why are you going to Hell? Mindy: I love gossip and I don't really care about the environment.

Triathlon [1.22]

Danny: [to Morgan] You're fired. Mindy: What?! Morgan: No. I did something unthinkable. Danny: He did. Morgan: Gotta pay the ultimate price. One week suspension with pay.

Triathlon [1.22]

Mindy: Danny has been such a workout nazi. Casey: Why does everybody always say "nazi" when they're trying to describe someone who's just passionately pursuing a goal?

Triathlon [1.22]

[wanting Mindy to become a Christian] I mean, don't you wanna spend eternity in heaven together, just strumming harps and playing doubles tennis with Abe Lincoln and Tupac?

All My Problems Solved Forever... [2.01]

Christina: What do you think I discovered on your browser history? Danny: What's a browser history? Jeremy: It's a list of all the sites you visited. Danny: Oh no.

Music Festival [2.03]

We got a crydaddy. I'm on it... Here's what we're gonna do. We'll take a deep breath, and we're gonna go from zone to man-to-man, and we're gonna get over there and have a baby.

Magic Morgan [2.04]

Cliff: OK, Mr. Tookers. I'm going to be billing you for the hours I have wasted on this. Morgan: I have no money. And I will not pay. Morgan: I've been dumped 36 times in my life....I was left at the altar 3 times. Two different women faked their own deaths to get away from me. The point is, you can't force yourself to get over someone. But it'll happen.

Wiener Night [2.05]

Flight Attendant: Ma'am you're being very disruptive. Mindy: You know, I am so tired of people telling me that.

Sk8er Man [2.07]

Mindy: You haven't let off Graham since the edamame arrived. Danny: They're cold soybeans. They're from Iowa.

Sk8er Man [2.07]

Mindy: I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my wrist that says "breathe." Danny: Breathe? That's something you forget to do? Why won't you put "walk" on your feet. You should think about getting "idiot" on your forehead.

You've Got Sext [2.08]

Cliff: Yana was runner up Miss Universe this year. Morgan: Oh, my God! That's how I know you! You were so good in the interview. My favorite hobby is also activities.

You've Got Sext [2.08]

If a girl doesn't respond to me immediately, that means she's either stuck up, dead, or living in an elevator--all three of which are deal breakers.

Danny Castellano Is My Personal Trainer [2.12]

Over the holiday I had five hams and a goose. I am a wolf in a children's story.

Indian BBW [2.16]

Are you kidding me? Look at these wrists! Look at how dainty they are! They can barely lift the enormous calzones I eat!

Think Like a Peter [2.19]

Peter: So you went on a coffee date with a loser. All coffee dates are with losers. Mindy: He was just too nice. And I'm too nice and I can't break it off with him. I'm probably gonna marry him. Peter: Mindy, the reason you can't break it off with him is not because you're too nice. Mindy: Excuse me? Peter: I saw you bring a girl to tears because she asked it you were registered to vote. Mindy: I have been asked that a million times and the answer's always the same—I don't know!

Think Like a Peter [2.19]

Peter: Mindy, you deserve someone great, or at least someone kind of rich, or at least someone fun, probably gay. Mindy: My kingdom for a gay husband.

An Officer and a Gynecologist [2.20]

[Danny walks in his office] What's that I hear, the g-g-g-ghost of someone who's dead to me?!

An Officer and a Gynecologist [2.20]

Danny: No guys? Mindy: Nope. Danny: Girls? Mindy: I wish! Oh my God, how hot would me and Keira Knightley be? All snuggled up in a log cabin. Danny: You think you could pull Keira Knightley? Mindy: I could! It would be like Bend It Like Beckham. And I can take a bra off like that [snaps her fingers].

Girl Next Door [2.21]

Peter: Do you know any loose, funky-tooth, British chicks? Jeremy: Droves. Peter: Okay, I don't know what that word means but, can you set me up with one of them? I am done with American chicks, man. They're all boring and they've all told each other about me online. Jeremy: Ugh, fine. Me and some of my Cambridge chumps are playing celebrity tonight, why don't you join. Peter: I'm sick at celebrity! Who am I doing now? [nothing about his expression changes] Jeremy: [after a moment gasps] Oh my god, Billie Jean King! Peter: Exactly. [they high-five]

Danny and Mindy [2.22]

Danny: I haven't seen you smile this much since you found out that you're younger than Katie Holmes. Mindy: That old hag.

Crimes & Misdemeanors & Ex-BFs [3.03]

Mindy: How about we go to the bedroom and you show me if there’s any room in your closet for me. Danny: No. No, there’s no space for you in there because that’s where all my pressed jeans go, okay? There’s no room for you. You got this now, okay? Mindy: Maybe we should just go and, uh, check anyway. Danny: I don’t need to check. I’m telling you right now, there’s no room for you in there. Mindy: Have sex with me in your closet, you dumb-dumb.

I Slipped [3.04]

Peter: What's the most valuable thing in the world to you? The thing that you treasure above all else? Mindy: My signed photo of Kris Jenner. Peter: Do you ever not know exactly where that is or exactly what it's doing? Mindy: No, that thing's locked behind plate glass in my--That son of a--!

I Slipped [3.04]

If you go blind, I'm gonna get so fat.

I Slipped [3.04]

He thought it was something I had done thousands of times. Like jaywalking, or lying under oath.

The Devil Wears Lands' End [3.05]

Jeremy: Peter, we used to be such good chums. Peter: We did use to share a work toothbrush. Jeremy: We did? Beverly: Yeah, we all did! Peter: We did?

The Devil Wears Lands' End [3.05]

Writing's how I pay the bills, but my passion is beer pong.

Caramel Princess Time [3.06]

I'm not late! It's 9:19, which is practically 9:15. Which is basically 9. Danny, if anything, I'm early.

How to Lose a Mom in Ten Days [3.09]

Mindy: [in the bathtub] Danny, my beloved sex partner, get in here. Welcome to your erotic bath. Danny: I don't know. Baths? Isn't that like marinating in your own filth? Mindy: Danny, come on. Cosmo says that taking a bath together is the #9 way to have a horny autumn. Don't you wanna have a horny autumn?

How to Lose a Mom in Ten Days [3.09]

Danny: You gotta stop sending me all those nudies. Mindy: Oh, I will never stop sending nudies. That's my First Amendment right!

Christmas [3.11]

Mindy: I'm actually happy that Danny's gone, 'cause I'm his secret Santa and I don't know what to get him. Peter: Golf balls. Mindy: No, that's for white people; Danny's Italian. Morgan: Meatballs. Mindy: No, I'll just eat them.

Christmas [3.11]

I'm working on this recommendation for Dr. Lahiri, and I'm wondering if you know any adjectives other than Indian. I'm stumped.... I'd prefer to please here, especially if there's a possibility of her following through on any of those threats.

Christmas [3.11]

Peter: So the girl Danny picked for me is dating you, but thinks you're me? Morgan: Yes! It only took you twenty minutes to understand that. Please, help me! Peter: I'm fighting two urges here: Date a smart, beautiful woman I have earned through self-improvement, or help a bro get a girl by lying. Morgan: You should know we slept together. Peter: She's all yours, Morgan. Morgan: Thank you, Peter.

Christmas [3.11]

Stanford will just be another dead professional dream, like being an astronaut or an African dictator.

Christmas [3.11]

Danny: What's this? Are all the men from your church still at the office? Jean: No, this is an all-female living nativity. Danny: Everybody? Jean: Yeah! Danny: The shepherds? The little drummer boy?....Are those the three wise women? Jean: Yes. Danny: OK, I gotta get outta here. This is basically witchcraft.

Stanford [3.12]

I actually don't speak any Indian languages, but I do know how to do a kinda offensive Indian accent.

San Francisco Bae [3.13]

All my alumni emails go to spam, 'cause they're always asking me for money. Because, one time I fell through a stained-glass window.

No More Mr. Noishe Guy [3.14]

Mindy: Hey girls! I'm back! Did you miss me? Tamra: You were gone? Beverly: Well of course she was gone! She was picking up her Nobel Peace Prize. Your head healed real nice. Danny: She thinks you're Malala.

Dinner at the Castellanos [3.15]

Mindy: [holding a pregnancy test] Yeah, this one is positive. Which makes 30 positives. But there was that one negative! Neepa: The negative was a popsicle stick. Mindy: Do you even bother telling your boyfriend if there's only, like, a 96% chance you could be pregnant? Neepa: 100% chance. It was a popsicle stick! I saw you eat the popsicle, and then draw this little minus sign on it and then pee on it, for some reason! Mindy: I knew I shouldn't have told you, but it's not my fault! I have ADHDTV. Peter: I saw Henry and Lauren for about an hour or two, then they saw me and I ran away. Mindy: You know what? It's only stalking if it doesn't work. You make her love you!

Stay-at-Home MILF [4.05]

Morgan: Now Dr. K's treating me like family. He took me on his boat! No one has ever done that and brought me back. Mindy: You cannot keep a Southern family's gay secret for personal gain. What, are you in a Tennessee Williams play?! [pause] Whoa, am I smart?

Stay-at-Home MILF [4.05]

Mindy: That was a great surgery. I forgot how much I enjoy slicing open women. Thank God I became a doctor. Jody: After that, I think we deserve a treat. Mindy: Whoa, a flask? Mine was confiscated at the American Girl Store.

Stay-at-Home MILF [4.05]

If you are not living your authentic self, what even was the point of Glee?

Road Trip [4.06]

Of all the times I have been abandoned at a celebrity pet grave, this is the most hurtful!

Road Trip [4.06]

It's been a great place to raise Eric. You know, everyone owns a gun here, so there's no crime. It's just accidents and suicides.

Road Trip [4.06]

Evelyn: You know, I think Eric got his blue eyes from someone on Danny's side of the family. Morgan: Huh, yeah, probably. There's just one little problem with your theory, lady....That man's fiancee had me dig through his geneology to find out if there was any chance that she could have blue-eyed children. And I still have the scratch marks from when I told her it was impossible.

Road Trip [4.06]

Castellano men express their feelings through fighting or dancing. It's either the fist or the foot.

Mindy and Nanny [4.07]

Annette: Hey, you want an omelette? Mindy: OK, sure, thanks! Annette: Well, I wish I'd known that before I started making pancakes. Mindy: Oh, a trap! Great. Nanny 1: Child is like mule. It must be trained and broken. Nanny 2: I will raise your child like it was one of my own weasels. Morgan: Do you smell weed Dr. L? Mindy: I do. Morgan: Yeah. Nanny 3: I love the way babies smell. [sniffs] Morgan: I just got an Amber Alert on my phone. Mindy: Get him outta here. Mindy: Doing cocaine once doesn't make someone a cokehead. Don't jump to conclusions. I hit a bicyclist once with my car, does it make me a murderer? I have no idea, I drove off. Whitney: I only do coke to have fun after work. And to work. Mindy: Why would you think it was OK to take a photo of my son in an anti-vaccination onesie? Clara: But I thought you said you wanted him to be famous! Mindy: Yeah, of course I do! But if you want him to model, you gotta go through his talent agent, who I don't have, because no one will acce