Quotes

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam: I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate. Cat: Are you saying what I think you're saying?! Sam: Yeah. Cat: Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?! Sam: I already found you a roommate! Cat: [throws her money on the couch] Shut up, who is she?! Sam: Me! Cat: Oh my god! [runs and hugs Sam] This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage. Sam: Isn't it?

#Pilot [1.01]

Taco Truck Owner: Hey! Aren't you Sam from iCarly? Sam: Are you a cop? Taco Truck Owner: No. Sam: Then Yeah, I'm Sam.

#Pilot [1.01]

What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?

#Pilot [1.01]

If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?

#Pilot [1.01]

Dice:   You look like Sam from that web show iCarly. Sam:   Nah, that chick is way hotter than me. Cat:   (giggles) She is Sam! Dice:   Woah, you're awesome! Sam:   Yeah.

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam:   Uh, what are you doing? Cat:   I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared. Sam:   I'm not gonna get scare— Oh, whatever. Cat:   So, how long you going to be in L.A.? Sam:   Uh… I don't know. Cat:   Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle? Sam:   Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.

#Pilot [1.01]

Little girl:   Can you take Darby?  He's heavy!  [hands the baby to Cat] Cat:   No, you guys, I gotta go!  Here.  [hands the baby to Sam] Sam:   Woah, I don't want this beast!  [places the baby in a flower pot]  Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.

#Pilot [1.01]

Nona:   [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids]  Aah! Cat:   Nona! Sam:   Nice sack.

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam:   What happened to you? Nona:   Those little demons happened to me!

#Pilot [1.01]

Dice:   And guess what I got today? Cat:   Ooh, is it something?

#Pilot [1.01]

Dice:   I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry.  I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber— Cat:   How much for the Bieber?! Dice:   Thirty dollars. Cat:   I'll take it!

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam:   Hey!  Don't pick up that trash can!  There's a girl in there! Cat:   Oh, my god!  [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck]

#Pilot [1.01]

  C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies!  They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills.

#Pilot [1.01]

  [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed]  That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.

#Pilot [1.01]

  Oh, please!  You saved me from being squished in garbage!  Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!

#Pilot [1.01]

Dice:   Save your snot! Sam:   You're a weird kid!

#Pilot [1.01]

  You got another robe I could wear?  You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.

#Pilot [1.01]

  [loudly into a megaphone]  I'm stopping my vehicle!

#Pilot [1.01]

Cat:   Hi!  What's wrong? Young boy:   We can't find our cat. Cat:   Shut up, my name is Cat! Young boy:   Can you help us find our cat?

#Pilot [1.01]

  How much Bieber did you sniff?!

#Pilot [1.01]

  And why is there a battery in my burrito?

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam:   Let's see.  You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20.  [gives Cat $20] Cat:   Ooo, thank you!

#Pilot [1.01]

Cat:   We have to give him C-3PO! Sam:   CPR? Cat:   Okay, we'll try that first!

#Pilot [1.01]

  Where's my Nona?!

#Pilot [1.01]

Cat:   Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight? Nona:   Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record.  [laughs with Cat] Sam:   Yeah…you assume that.

#Pilot [1.01]

Cat:   Who's gonna make me soup? Nona:   You can learn. Cat:   I can? Nona:   Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave. Cat:   Wait, slow down…

#Pilot [1.01]

Cat:   You left the baby in the bush!? Sam:   I'm getting the baby!

#Pilot [1.01]

  Bye!  [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can]  Dang it!  My gum fell out of my mouth!

#Pilot [1.01]

I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke!

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam: How was school? Cat: Learn-y.

#Pilot [1.01]

Cat: Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun! Sam: Not so much for this guy. [picks up a dead rat and throws it away]

#Pilot [1.01]

Sam: Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs. Cat: I can't help it! He smells so talented!

#Pilot [1.01]

Don't tickle me. Take your fingers out of my ears. This is gonna be a long ride.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Cat:   Our first real customer!  Now we're professional babysitters!  Shh!  Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this. Sam:   He's three feet away.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Cat:  Woop woop woop!  Shh!  Be cool! Sam:   I'll try to control myself.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

  Try to escape, eh?  Well, now you go in the hole, see?  [eats the bone rib]

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

  Okay, Math.  Let's see.  [looks at the t.v.]  Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Sam:   That show was a big hit!  What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?! Cat:   It's insane!  They're not even gonna do a big final episode! Sam:   What?!

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Little boy:   Can someone read me a story? Cat:   No. Little boy:   Is toothpaste a vegetable? Sam:   No. Little boy:   Can I jump off the roof? Sam & Cat:   Yes.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Sam:   Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana. Cat:   Oh!  That's so clever.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Cat:   Ding dong. Sam:   Why'd you do that? Cat:   Do what?

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Dice:   Aww, you're sweet. Sam:   [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirt]  Never call me sweet.

#FavoriteShow [1.02]

Sam:   You know what you need? Cat:   My own unicorn?

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

Ruby:   Wait! Nona:   Yes? Gwen:   We want to buy that card. Cat:   But I'm buying it.  Here's my $5. Gwen:   I'll give you $10 for that card. Cat:   I'll pay you $50 for that card. Gwen:   $100! Cat:   $200! Nona:   [brings her hand up to her heart]  Ugh, my pace maker! Gwen:   Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500! Nona:   I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl. Cat:   But…but…but… Ruby:   Yes!

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

Sam:   The next number is…G41. Gwen:   Yes!  Look, Ruby, we got another one! Ruby:   We should go to Vegas! Sam:   Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash— Gwen:   Just say the number! Ruby:   Get on with it! Sam:   …B7. Gwen & Ruby:   Bingo!! Gwen:   We just won a giant television machine! Ruby:   Wooo! Cop:   [enters whistling]  Okay, this is a raid. Nona:   We are being raided? Cop:   This is an illegal bingo game. Sam:   Since when is bingo illegal? Cop:   When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000. Sam:   Cat!  You're running an illegal bingo game! Cat:   But it was Nona's idea! Nona:   I don't even know these girls!

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

Cat:   That snack…that snack she's eating!  Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath] Ruby:   Bibble! Gwen:   You want some? Cat:   No!  Yes!  I mean, how much bibble do you have?! Gwen:   We brought a big tin jug of it… Ruby:   …from England.

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

Cat:   I'm baaaaaack!!  [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen]  I got bibble!  I got bibble!!  I'm back and I got bibble!!  Woooooooo!! Dice:   Did you get my money back? Cat:   Yes!  At first. Sam:   And then what? Cat:   And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought!  Where's my spife?  [looks and finds her spife]  There's my spife!  [starts to open the jug of bibble] Sam:   Wait, how much did you spend on that can? Cat:   The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside. Dice:   How much? Cat:   $500!  Plus my bike!  [points at Dice]  Don't judge me.  [carries on opening the bibble] Sam:   You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?! Cat:   And my bike!  Everybody clear?  Everybody up to speed?  I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble!  [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs] Cat:   Cotton

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

  I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.

#TheBritBrats [1.03]

Cat:   So what do you guys wanna do? Gwen:   Oh, anything would be lovely. Ruby:   Lovely. Cat:   We could make some tea. Sam:   You could do our laundry. Cat:   We could play games. Sam:   You could rub my feet. Cat:   We could sing songs. Sam:   While you rub my feet. Dice:   Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes.  And they sold me rocks.  Rocks! Cat:   They're nice rocks. Dice:   Who cares? Cat:   Any rock collector would.

#NewGoat [1.04]

Cat:   Is that my toothbrush? Sam:   Would I have a toothbrush that did this?

#NewGoat [1.04]

Sam:   Here, pick a channel.  Nothing educational. Sam:   Yeah? Dilben:   Let me in. Sam:   Why? Dilben:   Thank you.  [watches a goat in the sofa]  Ahoy!  I knew I smelled an animal. Sam:   Ahoy? Dilben:   You're not allowed to have that beast in this building. Sam:   Why are you wearing a cape? Dilben:   Because I am. Sam:   Are you a magician? Dilben:   No. Sam:   Superhero? Dilben:   No.  I wear a cape because I like capes. Sam:   Weirdos like capes. Dilben:   [shows the printed papers]  See this here? Sam:   No. Dilben:   This paper. Sam:   Did something poop on your forehead? Dilben:   I command you to listen to me! Dilben:   This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs.  No other animals allowed." Sam:   Are caped weirdos allowed? Dilben:   You're new to this building, aren't you? Sam:   Kinda. Dilben:  

#NewGoat [1.04]

Cat:   Come in, Dice. Dilben:   I'm not Dice.  I'm— Sam:   Get out. Cat:   No.  Um, hi, Dilben!  Come in.  Would you like a muffin? Dilben:   I spit on your muffins. Cat:   You should try butter. Dilben:   Your goat is still here. Sam:   It's not our goat. Cat:   We're just babysitting him. Dilben:   Yeah, right. Sam:   Hey, you got another cape. Dilben:   I wanna speak to your grandmother. Cat:   My Nona? Dilben:   Get her. Sam:   She doesn't live here anymore. Dilben:   Whaaat? Cat:   She moved to Elderly Acres. Sam:   Yup. Dilben:   Interesting.  And who else lives here with you two? Cat:   Nobody. Dilben:   Delicious. Sam:   What are you yammin' about? Dilben:   Building rules!  All apartments must have at least one adult resident.  And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat!  My father has two reasons to thr

#NewGoat [1.04]

Nona:   Call Dr. Stanky. Cat:   Dr. Stanky! Sam:   Use your phone.

#NewGoat [1.04]

  Boys, boys, boys!  Fighting is never the answer!  Now let's try using our words.

#NewGoat [1.04]

Cat:   You know what they say, "Easy like a goat." Sam:   Who says that? Cat:   The goat keepers?

#NewGoat [1.04]

Cat:   Ding dong. Sam:   Ugh!  That's Dilben. Cat:   Okay, Goomer, are you ready? Goomer:   Yep.  I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you. Cat:   No!  You're our uncle and you live here! Goomer:   Uncle Fudge. Sam and Cat:   No! Cat:   [opens the entrance door]  Hi, Dilben.  This must be your dad. Dilben's father:   May we come in? Cat:   Well, sure. Sam:   Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there. Dice:   I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat! Sam:   Shower with the goat! Dice:   Oh! Sam:   Bleh! Dilben's father:   So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat. Sam:   Not anymore. Cat:   No more goat. Dilben:   They had a goat. Sam:   Well, now we don't. Cat:   Sam! Dilben:   And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up. Sam:   By ourselves? Cat:   Uncle Goomer?  [Goomer doesn't want to

#TextingCompetition [1.05]

Cat:   She's always texting me about wazzing. Sam:   Sometimes while I'm wazzing.

#TextingCompetition [1.05]

Mrs. Torso:   I thought I told you not to come. Sam:   You did. Mrs. Torso:   Then, why are you here? Sam:   Oh, because we don't care what you say. Cat:   [laughs]  She's so disrespectful!

#TextingCompetition [1.05]

Cat:   Vice President of what? Sam:   I think it's the Vice President of America. Cat:   Oh.  Do we know what his name is? Sam:   Nah, we're just high school students.

#TextingCompetition [1.05]

Cat:   In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs. Mrs. Torso:   What are you, dumb? Sam:   Hey! Weave her alone. Cat:   [Laughs] She is all up in your business!

#BabysitterWar [1.06]

Sam:   That red headed girl is done with her food. Bugles:   Understood! [Takes Cat's food] Cat:   No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot!

#BabysitterWar [1.06]

Cat:   Look, there's a naked robot! Sam:   Where?

#GoomerSitting [1.07]

Cat: It's a machine! Sam: Please don't show me what it does. Cat: Watch what it does! [flips the switch] See? I flipped the switch, and then the machine flipped it back to its original position. Sam: Please don't show me again. Cat: Watch again!

#GoomerSitting [1.07]

Cat: I want five yo-yos. Dice: You can have one yo-yo. Cat: Five! Dice: Four! Cat: Three! Dice: Two! Cat: One! Dice: Okay, one yo-yo. Cat: Haha, sucker!

#ToddlerClimbing [1.08]

Sam:   We're ceiling inspectors. Cat:   Here to check your ceiling. Sam:   It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that. Cat:   Check by that!

#MommaGoomer [1.09]

Sam: (to Goomer) What do we call your mom? Cat: Oh, yeah, what's her last name? Goomer: Same as mine: Merr. So just call her Mrs. Merr. Sam: Wait, your last name is Merr? Goomer: Yeah, my Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux, and my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr. Sam: Gieux. Cat: Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus.

#MommaGoomer [1.09]

Sam: (to Sikowitz) We need to use this classroom. Sikowitz: You strike me as pushy. Cat: She can be pushy. Sam: I can also be punchy and kicky.

#RevengeOfTheBritBrats [1.11]

Cat:   That makes sense, even to me! Nona:   These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh! Bugles:   [sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

#MotorcycleMystery [1.12]

Goomer:   Where's your motorcycle? Sam:   Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone] Sam:   [violently shakes Cat] CAAAAAAAT! WAKE UP! Where is my motorcycle?! WHERE...IS...MY...MOTORCYCLE?!?! Sam:   Hey!  This is America—you speak either English or Spanish!

#MotorcycleMystery [1.12]

  Excuse me!  I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember.  Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember?

#SecretSafe [1.13]

Sam:   Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya.  You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds. Cat:   Cat and Sam. Sam:   I don't like it when you say it that way. Cat:   Sam and Cat. Sam:   Better.

#SecretSafe [1.13]

Sam:   Hello!  Dice!  You still there?  If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs! Cat:   Hey, Sam.  Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here! Sam:   Wow, why didn't I think of that?

#SecretSafe [1.13]

Goomer:   What's the combination? Cat:   Nine oh two nine one! Sam:   That's our zip code. Cat:   Five seven three two Sam:   That's your phone number. Cat:   I give up.

#OscarTheOuch [1.14]

Cat: (to Oscar) But babysitting is supposed to make kids happy. Don't you wanna be happy? Oscar: I don't know. What's it like? Cat: Did you hear that? Sam: You hear this? (snores)

#OscarTheOuch [1.14]

Predicament!

#OscarTheOuch [1.14]

Mrs. Lurkin: Come on, Oscar. I'm taking you away from these irresponsible girls. Oscar: No. Mrs. Lurkin: What? Oscar: First, you apologize to Sam and Cat. Mrs. Lurkin: Apologize? For what? Oscar: For shouting at them after they gave me the best day of my life. Yeah, I got hurt, real bad, but for the first time of my life, I actually had fun. Cat: We had fun with you too, Oscar. Sam: Kinda. Mrs. Lurkin: Oscar, what is your point? Oscar: That living life trying new things is worth getting a little hurt sometimes. Cat: Yeah, haven't you heard the 47 songs about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

#DollSitting [1.15]

Sam: I don't want to babysit. Cat: We're getting paid double. Sam: I like this plan.

#DollSitting [1.15]

Is there a spell in there that can turn my mom into a woman with a job?

#PeezyB [1.16]

Sam: Puckett. Peezy B: Well, guess what, Puckett? Sam: What? Peezy B: You got swag and you got spunk. You got that swaggy spunk!

#SalmonCat [1.17]

Sam:   [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Ugh.  This is TTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE. Cat:   [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Shh!  I like it! Sam:   [sick of the show]  Okay.  I can't watch any more of this trash.

#Twinfection [1.18]

Cat: Well, what movie did you see? Sam: "Blood Monkeys: Chimpley Strikes Back." Cat: [gasps] That's rated R! Sam: So? Randy: [angrily] That movie messed me up, man!

#Twinfection [1.18]

Cat: Well, I am really smart. Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs] Say that again! Cat: I said, "I am really smart". Sam: [spits out her drink and laughs again]

#Twinfection [1.18]

Melanie: Now, why did I have to come here? Sam: 'Cause I need to mess with my roommate's head. Melanie: Okay...so I'm supposed to be you. [points at Sam] Sam: No! You're gonna be evil, insane, wild, and dangerous. Melanie: So...you. Sam: Me...times a hundred. Melanie: Wait, you mean the "twinfection" thing? Sam: Uh-huh. Melanie: Oh, Sam, you know no one's dumb enough to fall for that. Sam: [laughs] Let me tell you a little about my roommate. [smiles]

#Twinfection [1.18]

Sam: I tricked Cat, I tricked Cat, I'm so cool 'cause I tricked Cat! [Myron and Byron jump up and start dancing] I tricked Cat with my twin sister! Cat: What are- Sam: Her name is Melanie and she's dancing too! Cat: What are they doing here? Sam: I don't know!

#MyPoober [1.19]

(to Ellie) Let's make a deal. How about we buy you any two desserts you want and you throw Poober in the toilet?

#MyPoober [1.19]

Sam: Hey, Cat? Cat: Hey. Sam: How did Ellie know that our money was in the pineapple? Cat: [nervously changes the subject] Umm....oh, Spanish Talk Radio! I wonder what they're saying, I'll turn it up. Oh. Sam: [turns off the radio] Cat: I know I shouldn't have told Ellie about the pineapple, but it seemed like a good move at the time. Sam: Dang it, Cat!

#MadAboutShoe [1.20]

Doctor:   Nurse, what is your name? Sam:   Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window] Stacey:   I'm suspicious.

#MagicATM [1.21]

Cat:   Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio? Officer Kelvin:   Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys. Cat:   I think he's being sarcastic. Sam:   [sarcastic] No!

#MagicATM [1.21]

Cat:   Sam? Sam:   What? Cat:   Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt? Sam:   No!

#MagicATM [1.21]

Sam:   Get the keys from the cop? Cat:   Okay. Which one? Sam:   The one I'm sitting on!

#Lumpatious [1.22]

(to his brother Jepson) Why you got to be so... lumpatious?!

#Lumpatious [1.22]

Woman: Hmm, do you have an appointment? Cat: Yeah, I made one online. Woman: Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay? Sam: It's Puckett. Woman: My screen says Pookay. Cat: I'm pretty sure it's Pookay. Sam: Shouldn't I know? Cat: Yeah, you should!

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23]

Dice: I'm in major trouble here. Sam: No, you're not! 'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna. Dice: [grateful] Yes. Cat: You promised me you wouldn't. Sam: Oh, what do you care? You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face. Cat: W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face. Sam: Oh, you mean like this? Mmm… that was some tasty Robbie. Cat: Y'know what? Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish. Freddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds dangerous. Cat: It is… and I don't care what happens to you.

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23]

Cat: I thought you guys were fighting. Sam: Why would we be fighting? Cat: Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage. Jade: Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in? Sam: And why you never wanted me to meet her? Cat: Yeah. Jade: What'd you think would happen? Cat: Murder. Jade: Do you wanna murder me? Sam: No, I'm good.

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23]

Nona: Who are those boys in the water? Jade: It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie! Freddie: Please don't call us that!

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23]

[Screams excessively until fainting]

#TheKillerTunaJump: #Freddie #Jade #Robbie [1.23]

Robbie: If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat? Freddie: I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat. Cat: [Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to!

#YayDay [1.24]

Sam: Ah, all right. I'll buy everyone a present for Yay Day. Cat: Me too? Sam: Swear no snooping? Cat: Yes. Cross my bra.

#BrainCrush [1.25]

Sam:   Do we have a hammer? Cat:   No. Sam:   [begins banging head into the door] Cat:   Sam, don't do that!  Use this. Sam:   I asked you if we had one of those! Cat:   You asked me if we had a hammer. Sam:   Well, what do you call that? Cat:   A nail banger!

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

State regulator: What are you two, a couple of dummies? Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California! Cat: Banned?! Sam: Whaaaaaat?! Cat: Why? State regulator: 'Cause there's too much sugar in it and thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: It is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda. Sam: That's insane! Cat: That's our favorite beverage. State regulator: Too bad! Did you know that some people drink 10-12 bottles of this junk per day? Cat: Well, we don't! Sam: Yeah, but we drink, like, 1 or 2 a week! State regulator: Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it. Sam: So? Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any? State regulator: That's right! Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy! Chinese Woman: Wǒ bù xǐhuān nǐ shuōhuà de fāngshì! Wánquán bù hélǐ! ("I don't like the way you talk! It's completely unreasonable!") State regulator: Shut up! Worker Holding Box of Blue Dog: I'll take it myself. A

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

State regulator: So, you girls babysit? Cat: Yeah. Sam: Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too? State regulator: Nah. I have a kid, and I don't like him. So, maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while.

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

Sam: Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want. Cat: How? Goomer: Harh. Sam: I'm makin' it. I went online and did a ton of research, and pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula.

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

Sam: We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest. This is about doing what's right! Dice: What do you mean? Cat: Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have! Sam: Exactly. Dice: Okay. So, then, what's the plan here? Sam: We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves and to sell to anyone who wants some.

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

Sam: [opens the door] It was Cat. Cat: SAM!!!

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

State regulator: Look, are you two babysitters or not? Sam: Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters? State regulator: Yeah. Remember the flier? It said you two babysit. Cat: We do. State regulator: Good. [to Mitch] Mitch, get in here! [to Sam and Cat] This is my boy, Mitch. And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours. Sam: Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid? State regulator: Yeah. And he's not much trouble. He just likes—what d'you like? Mitch: Television, football, cheese. State regulator: That sort of stuff. Mitch: Why can't I just stay with you? State regulator: Well, because Daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail. Cat: What bad people? State regulator: Somebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it. Sam: No, those "jerks." Cat: Yeah, "jerks." State regulator: We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula. State regulator: We're gon

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

State regulator: You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble! Sam: Why? State regulator: Why?! Sam: What's your problem? Cat: Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves? Dice: Which we wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place! Goomer: Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher? Cat: What's your problem with Blue Dog? State regulator: My problem is that some people drink too much of it and that's not healthy. Sam: So? Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches? Cat: Oh, and roller coasters! What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday? He'd flunk out of school! Dice: You gonna ban roller coasters? Sam: And what about sleeping? I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop. Cat: You gonna ban sleeping? Goomer: And pooping? Dice: And what about hugs? Sam: Right! Dice: If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em. Goomer: That is tr

#BlueDogSoda [1.26]

Sam: To Blue Dog! Cat: And to freedom! [the quartet celebrates their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda]

#BlooperEpisode [1.27]

People: Ariana, will you take our picture? Ariana Grande (Cat): Uh… sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right? People: No. Oh, no. We want a picture with Jennette. Jennette McCurdy (Sam): Oh, yeah. L.O.L.

#FresnoGirl [1.28]

Sam: Did you get a B? Kim: [sadly] No. [happily] I got an A! Cat: We trickered you into thinking she failed!

#FresnoGirl [1.28]

Sam: Ah, so I guess you want money now. Matyoo: [laughs] Yes. [picks up Pear Pad] Your total with tax comes to $156.20 Cat: What?! Matyoo: Is there an issue? Cat: $150!? Sam: For a doll?! Matyoo: For a Fresno Girl doll. Sam: My mom's had butt surgery that didn't cost that much! Kim: You guys, if it's too much money, you don't have to buy Gabriella for me. I'm used to being disappointed.

#StuckInABox [1.29]

[walks in the apartment and sees Cat pedaling her bike which is hanging from the ceiling] Whoa! Not the weirdest thing I've ever walked in on here.

#StuckInABox [1.29]

Goomer: [riding Cat's bike that's hanging from the ceiling] Look at me! I'm going nowhere! Sam: Yeah, that pretty much sums up your life.

#StuckInABox [1.29]

Sam: (to Dice) Dice, go clean up our kitchen. Dice: No! Sam: Then why are you here?

#SuperPsycho [1.30]

Cat: Hey! Who wants to try my hot crapple pie? Sam: Let's answer together. Dice: Let's sing the answer. Dice and Sam: [sings] Nobody.

#DroneBabyDrone [1.31]

Nona: Flying robits?! Sam: Robits? Cat: That's what she calls robots. Sam: Why would she call robots robits? Dice: 'Cause she's old. Nona: [sprays Dice with a hose. She smiles] I may be old, but who's wet?

#DroneBabyDrone [1.31]

Cat: Do you guys hear that? Sam: The drone! Cat: I don't see it! Sam: Me, neither. Dice: Maybe it's coming from the other way. Cat: Oh, I see it! Sam: That's the moon! Cat: Dang it! Nona: Over there! Sam: There it is! Cat: OMG! Hi, drone Dice: It's so cool Sam: Man, it's coming pretty fast. Cat: Real fast. Nona: Where is it gonna land? Cat: It's here! Sam: Beef stick. Cat: Enormous man's underpants. Drone: Thank you for shopping at Zappathon.com. Dice: How great is technology?

#FirstClassProblems [1.32]

Sam: Okay, here's your water. Kelly: What's this? Sam: Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Toilette." Philip: France. Merci. Cat: "Toilette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear] Cat: Oh, God.

#FirstClassProblems [1.32]

Cat: Hot rags! ID Checker: Shut Up!

#FirstClassProblems [1.32]

Security Woman: Bags on the belt. Shoes off. Cat: Excuse me! I'm assuming those in First Class don't have to take off their shoes. Security Woman: Yes, you do. Cat: But the floor looks really dirty and sticky. Sam: I got this.

#KnockOut [1.33]

Cat: (about Rita Rooney) But-but that's a girl. Goomer: Yeah, the meanest girl in the world. She's cruel. Dice: Wait, you're saying that the person picking on you is a girl? Sam: [pushes him] Shut up. Dice: Ow.

#WeStealARockStar [1.34]

Sam: Hey, you! [approaches Brody] Uh, can I borrow your spear gun? Brody: I don't know. Are you a fellow spear fisherman? Sam: [imitates Brody] No, no! I am a spear fisherwoman!

#GettinWiggy [1.35]

Sam: Hey, Nona. What goes…? Hey, what are you doing? Nona: Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres. Sam: What? No! What? No. You can't leave! Well, come on! What's for dinner? I mean, let's go, right? Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh? Nona: I got a phone call. I can go back now. The funk mites are gone. Sam: Well, that's great, but— Nona: And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back. Sam: But… but I don't want you to leave! Nona: Oh, honey. You'll be all right. Sam: [sobs] No, I won't! Nona: Sam. [Pearphone rings] I think that's your phone ringing. Sam: [answers Pearphone] Who is it? Dice: Sam? Sam: What do you want? Dice: I got good news and bad news. Sam: What? Dice: Well, the good news is I got the cover of the magazine. Sam: Wow. Yeah, great. What's the bad news? Dice: One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital. Sam: That's it? Dice: No, Cat's being arrested. Cat: I mean, it really looks like a wig. Sam: Wait, Cat