Quotes

Pilot [1.1]

Hannah Horvath: [to her parents] I don't want to freak you out, but I think that I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least, a voice of a generation. Hannah: Didn't you say that texting was the lowest form of communication on the pillar of chat? Marine: The totem of chat. No, the lowest, that would be Facebook, following by gchat, then texting, then email, then phone. Face to face is of course ideal, but it's not of this time.

Vagina Panic [1.2]

Hannah: I have a very bad fear of AIDS. Gynecologist: Have you known someone with AIDS? Hannah: It's more of a Forrest Gump based fear. That's what Robin Wright Penn's character died of. Marnie: I was just thinking, I've been sexually irresponsible enough in my life thus far that I should have gotten pregnant by now and I never have. Like, I get my period at the same time, on the same day, of every monthly cycle, my entire life, like it's never strayed from that. Hannah: Then you're really lucky. I never know when I'm going to get my period and it's always a surprise and that's why all my underwear are covered in weird stains.

All Adventurous Women Do [1.3]

Hannah: I'm just worried that if we see each other we're going to end up having sex. Shoshanna: Well, like, that's OK because you both already have HPV. Hannah: God, that's a really good point. Elijah: I'm my authentic self. I am being my authentic self. Hannah: If you had been this gay in college, I would have known because I have two eyeballs, two ears..." Elijah: You might want to take some steps back through your other boyfriends, and not for nothing, maybe take a look at your dad. Hannah: You didn't just...? Elijah: I did. Hannah: In what way does my father read gay to you? Elijah: Ah, well, he has a stud in his ear. Hannah: He got it on a trip he took with his male friends... I heard what that sounded like, I know what that sounded like. You know what I'm going to do from now on, ask people if they're gay before I have sex with them. Elijah: Good luck with that.

Hannah's Diary [1.4]

Hannah: I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time, and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. Shoshanna: I'm like the least virginy virgin ever. Jessa: You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there everyday, even on the days you don't feel like it.

Hard Being Easy [1.5]

Hannah: Okay I don't wanna split hairs here, but it's not a journal, it's a notebook. It's notes for a book. Ray: I don't like it when you assfucked my best friend in the heart. Marnie: What are you like in love with him? Ray: More than you are!

The Return [1.6]

[to herself] You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting. Okay? It is not up to you to fill all of the pauses. You are not in danger of mortifying yourself. The worst stuff that you say, sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.

The Return [1.6]

Why is everyone struggling in New York? Why don't we all just move here and start the revolution?

Welcome to Bushwick a.k.a. The Crackcident [1.7]

Jessa: [to Shoshanna] Are you alright? Shoshanna: I think so, I'm really, really high, like out of my mind high, I smoked some pot in line to the bathroom which is so dirty - do not go in there unless it's an emerg - with these guys in line to the bathroom and they gave me some pot out of a pipe - but it was this stem - it was stem, it was a stem. Ray: [to Jessa] I don't think she's high on marijuana. [to Shoshanna] Was it a crack stem? Shoshanna: No. Ray: Did you smoke crack? Little white rocks? Shoshanna: No! It was a glass cigarette and I'm high and my ears feel like popping, do you ears feel like popping? Jessa Johansson: Look at me - you smoked crack. You smoked some crack. Shoshanna: [pause] Oh my God, don't tell my mom. Don't even tell me. I matriculated from NYU and I just smoked crack, what's going to happen? Jessa: You're going to be fine. crack can be really fun, under the right circumstances, and it only lasts a little while and I'll take care of you. I will be your crack s

Welcome to Bushwick a.k.a. The Crackcident [1.7]

I could massage your groin in a non-sexual way.

Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too [1.8]

Jessa: You look... really gorgeous. I love you all stripped down. Marnie: I've never been as miserable in my life. Jessa: It's totally working.

Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too [1.8]

That isn't fun for me, being the uptight girl. I hate it.

Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too [1.8]

Thomas-John: [To Marnie] Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Brooke Shields? Marnie: Actually, yeah. Thank you. Thomas-John: You're welcome. [to Jessa] And you... Julie Christie. Jessa: [looking decidedly uncomfortable] Good reference. Thomas-John: [running his hand over her stomach] Equal in beauty - Jessa: [sitting up abruptly] Okay, that's our cue to go. Thank you so much. Marnie: No, wait, we don't - we don't have to go. Jessa: I think we have outstayed our welcome. Thomas-John: No. Jessa: It's, um... Th-thank you so much, you've been so - Thomas-John: Just follow your instincts, Brooke... Thomas-John: Are you fucking serious? This is... a 10,000 dollar rug! This is a very fucking expensive rug! If you're gonna spill stuff on it, you gotta look more sorry than that! Marnie: I'm sorry. Jessa: She's sorry. Thomas-John: [going into his kitchen to get something to clean up] You know what? If you were really sorry, you'd be planning to make this a very special night, for all

Leave Me Alone [1.9]

Jessa: I was only attracted to him for, like, several minutes when I first met him, but I'm attracted to everyone when I first meet them. And then it wore off. It always wears off. Jessa Johansson: Your boyfriend should kill himself. You deserve it.

She Did [1.10]

Holding on to toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing.

She Did [1.10]

I think maybe that's a good thing for me.

She Did [1.10]

Everyone's a dumb whore.

It's About Time [2.1]

Marnie: I had a bad breakup. It's okay I think we're gonna be able stay friends you know, but I'm not gonna do what Hannah does and order six pizzas to make myself feel better. Shoshanna: I may be deflowered, but I am not devalued.

I Get Ideas [2.2]

Jessa: All that matters are that your rising signs are compatible, the sex is decent and he supports you creatively. Shoshanna: What's better than bathing a pig? Hannah: I know I always said he was murdery in a sexy way, but maybe he's murdery in a murder way.

Bad Friend [2.3]

Hannah: It's a Wednesday night baby and I'm alive! Elijah: We're just all living in Hannah's world! And it's all Hannah, Hannah, Hannah all the time. Hannah: I'm planning on writing an article that exposes all my vulnerabilities to the entire internet.

It's A Shame About Ray [2.4]

Shoshanna: What's a butt plug? Jessa: Oooh, I hate when people are early. It's so vile. Hannah: There are certain people who are meant to remain in your past. I made a mistake trying to repurpose you.

One Man's Trash [2.5]

Please don't tell anyone this, but I wanna be happy.

Boys [2.6]

Shoshanna: Okay, seriously, I cannot believe I have a friend who signed a book deal. It's so adult and intriguing. Jessa: This book doesn't matter, that's the first thing you need to know. It's not gonna matter to the people who read it or to you.

Video Games [2.7]

And I'm starving because all you have to eat in your house is your pet rabbit and I'm an undiagnosed hypoglycemic. Then we come into this graveyard and I feel like we're in "Hocus Pocus" and Thora Birch is gonna come and wear her little hat. It's like my worst nightmare as a kid, being the last one to be picked up from like school or some social event. Then all these adults know about your sad home life and your irresponsible parents.

It's Back [2.8]

You know who ends up living their dreams? Sad messes like Charlie.

On All Fours [2.9]

Natalia: I'm ready to have sex now. Shoshanna: I'm socializing. I'm sorry if that's not working for you, my social butterflyness.

Together [2.10]

Hannah: You're here. Adam: Well, I was always here. Shoshanna: I can't be surrounded by your negativity while I'm trying to grow into a fully formed woman. You hate everything!

Females Only [3.1]

Shoshanna: Basically it’s been a very sexually adventurous time for me. I’m alternating nights of freedom with nights of academic focus. So at the end of my senior year, I will have had both experiences while also still being super well prepared for the professional world. Adam: I don’t hate your friends. I’m just not interested in anything they have to say. Hannah: I’m not interested in anything they have to say! That’s not the point of friendship. Hannah: I feel like I hold the keys to the prison that is my mind.

Truth or Dare [3.2]

Shoshanna: Adam, you’re like so dementedly helpful. Shoshanna: My friend Rachel is fully addicted to blueberry Red Bull and she always tells me she hasn’t had one and she tells like with a blue tongue. Marnie: Since when is Jessa even a drug addict? Hannah: She’s really just a life addict.

She Said OK [3.3]

Hannah: You should feel very confident because I am a lot better at this when I'm not in the middle of an Obsessive Compulsive Meltdown. Shoshanna: It's really amazing that all three of you have accomplished so little in the four years since college.

Dead Inside [3.4]

Marnie: Fancy people want to work with me, so I’m gonna give them that pleasure and I’m gonna go work with them. So fuck you both, have a nice day, enjoy the rest of the video. Shoshanna: I feel like my bandana collection is like my most developed collection.

Only Child [3.5]

Jessa: This is a space cigarette invented by Stephen Dorff. It's just water vapor and good things like that. Hannah: It's just crazy that you don't know the depth of someone's power until their funeral. It's so sad. Shoshanna: My recent hijinks have really taken a toll on my GPA!

Free Snacks [3.6]

Hannah: Yeah, but I wouldn't call this a corporate job. I mean it's GQ Magazine. It's a literary institution. Jessa: Oh, that's amazing. It's really hard for a jew to gain respect in sports.

Beach House [3.7]

Marnie: Guys, we're so disconnected. I thought this would just be a nice opportunity for us to have fun together and prove to everyone via Instagram that we could still have fun as a group. Marnie: Where's Jessa? Did she not even show? Hannah: No, she just insists on sitting in the back of the bus for political reasons. Hannah: You're seriously mad I let everyone stay for dinner? Oh, my God. Wait, time-out. Shoshanna: That was dinner? Elijah: Okay, you know what? Let's just Google Map a Domino's. That's fun. Marnie: We're in the North Fork, Boo. They don't have Domino's. Hannah: Dinner was supposed to be our time for honesty. And I'm really sorry, you guys. This is not about you. This is between us, but then you invited the cast of "Magic Mike." Marnie, I don't feel like being honest. Shoshanna: Why not? Being honest is fun. Hannah: What are you talking about, Shosh? Shoshanna: I'm talking about the fact that you're a fucking narcissist. Seriously, I have never met anyone else who thin

Incidentals [3.8]

This is how much money I make a week? This is a lot more than my rent. This is insane, I'm just gonna like walk into a store in the Meatpacking district and make it rain!

Flo [3.9]

Adam: The only thing I remember about my grandma is that she had rough skin and spit a lot. Hannah: My grandma's very neat and she had skin like a kitten's ear. Hannah: Oh, I gained fifteen pounds.

Role-Play [3.10]

Jessa: I am a junkie. Hannah: What drama? This is just me? Adam: Exactly. Adam: It smells like Marnie's. It smells like cookies and air freshener.

I Saw You [3.11]

Shoshanna: I mean like Adam's about to be on Broadway, Marnie's clearly about to be a pop star and I don't know, you were supposed to be the famous artist in this group and now you're just working in advertising. Hannah: Am I seriously the only one of us who prides herself on being a truly authentic person?

Two Plane Rides [3.12]

Hannah: It's made me want to find a hole in the world, in the shape of me and just fill it up. Adam: Well, I'm sick of trying to work it out. Can't one thing ever be easy with you? Marnie: If you're here to tell me what a bad person I am, I don't wanna hear it. Seriously I know and no, I have not told Shoshanna yet but I will and I fucking know I have to do it. And I know that I need to have more respect for the emotional property of other women and I know that I use sex for validation because it's what I do.

The Panic In Central Park [5.06]

Desi: What are you staring at me about? Marnie: What do you mean? Desi: You're staring at me. Marnie: I'm staring at you? You're playing aggressive guitar at me. Desi: There's nothing aggressive about that. It's a ballad. Marnie: Okay. Desi: I think it's weird you haven't said anything since noon. Marnie: Well, we're in a fight, so I don't want to talk to you. Desi: Well... Marnie: That's kind of the definition of fighting. Desi: That's kind of the definition of cold. Marnie: No, I'm not cold, I'm mad. Desi: Yeah. So you can't even let me know that you're... that you're here with me? You can't even connect? Marnie: No, I don't... I don't want to connect. I want space. Well, I don't want space. I love you. See, Desi, that's a major part of the problem. That you don't seem to care at all about what I want. Desi: Oh, I don't care what you want? Marnie: Yeah, you don't care. Desi: Would you prefer that I just pretend nothing's wrong with me? And stop feeling all of my feelings and... and h

The Panic In Central Park [5.06]

Rips: What I tell you? She's coming. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Baby, dang. Damn, girl, I know exactly how to work you out. Friend: Hey. Marnie: Hi. Charlie: She was looking at me. Rips: Shit. Yo, you know her? Charlie: Yeah, I know her. I'll be right back. Rips: Where you going, man? Charlie: Marnie? Marnie. Marnie. Hey. Marnie: Hi. Charlie: Look, I know it's weird. Just talk to me, okay? Marnie: I'm married. Charlie: Oh, great. That's fucking great. Yeah. Yeah, see, just tell me w-w-what's up with you. That's great, that's great. Marnie: I'm late getting where I'm going. Charlie: Hey. So, wait, y-you got married? Marnie: Yeah. Charlie: That's beautiful. Really, that's fucking beautiful. Marnie: It was beautiful. I mean, it was pouring and my dad wasn't there, but... Charlie: Aw, shit. Well, who walked you down the aisle? Marnie: My uncle. Charlie: Bob or Ron? Marnie: You remember Bob and Ron? Charlie: Yeah, of course I do. Bob's a fuckin' G. Marnie: Well, it was Ron. Okay, yeah

The Panic In Central Park [5.06]

Charlie: Marnie. Marnie: Yeah? Charlie: Try these on. Try those on. Marnie: Oh, my God, I can't try all these on. Charlie: Yes, you can. I'm just giving you options, baby, you know what I mean? I'm just giving you options. I'm just giving you more and more options. Okay. Hey. Hey, do you, ah, do you have a bathroom I can use? I'm gonna buy stuff. I just need to use the bathroom. Store clerk: Oh, yeah, there's a burrito place next door. You just have to, like, buy a soda or something. Marnie: Oh, okay. Charlie: Uh, Marnie, I'll be right back! Store clerk: Okay. That dress looks really pretty on you. Marnie: Oh, thank you so much. I feel like a Bob Mackie Barbie doll. Store clerk: Oh, no, that's 100% the look. That's what people come in here wanting. Marnie: That guy's my ex-boyfriend. I haven't seen him in literally almost two years until just now. Or like, just before right now. He left without any explanation, and now I'm married to, like, an entirely different man who's also my music

The Panic In Central Park [5.06]

Marnie: What are you doing? What are we doing here? Charlie: I just have a friend who asked me to swing by. Marnie: What kind of friend? Everyone here is 150 years old. Charlie: Just wait here a second, okay? Marnie: No way. Charlie: Just wait one second. Marnie: No fucking way. I'm not standing here alone in this dress. Charlie: All right. Suit yourself, come on. Brian, hello. Brian: Hello, sir. Charlie: Brian, this is my fiancée, Masha. Brian: Masha, it's a pleasure. Charlie: Uh, will you ladies excuse us for just a moment? Masha: Of course, Brian. He buying cocaine for us to have party. Brian: Yeah, I can see that. Out of curiosity, how old are you? Marnie: 25 and half. Brian: Makes sense. Masha: Okay, uh, I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick, okay? Brian: What's your name, darling? Marnie: I'm Magita. Magita Perez. Brian: Well, Magita, what would you say if I asked you to join Masha and me later upstairs? Masha? Me? Masha: Is Brian the person I should talk to negotiate that

Hostage Situation [6.02]

Marnie: I'm a fucking monster! Hannah: So, Marnie's been fucking Desi for a full two weeks. Ray has no idea and thinks he's just in a regular in-love couple. And Marnie says that Desi cries every time they say hell or goodbye to each other, and now she and Desi are seriously considering trying anal. Elijah: He’s not getting anything up Marnie’s ass! Desi: Road trips and skinny dips! Marnie: America!

Hostage Situation [6.02]

Marnie: Des. Desi, what are these? [Holds up a jar of white pills] Desi: Marnie, that is my private briefcase. Come on. How dare you? Marnie: Briefcase? All that's in here is a jar of pills and a loose pencil. What the fuck are these? Desi: Mm... those are my mints. Just... whatever. Put 'em back. Marnie: These are mints? Desi: They're... They're just some mints, okay? Just... let's put 'em back. Marnie: Oh, so you just collect mints from places and keep them in a mason jar. Desi: Actually, no, Marnie. They're Oxy. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you wanna hear? They're Oxy-fucking-Contin. And I've been on them for a fucking year! And I'm addicted to them, so please put my fucking OxyContin in my jar, back in my private fucking briefcase. Okay, Marnie? Marnie: Wait, are you fucking serious? Oh, yeah. You've been taking it for a year? Desi: Oh, yeah! Marnie: You were high at our wedding. I thought you seemed sleepy and itchy. You were fucking high at our wedding! Desi: Oh, f