Quotes

Dialogue

Jay Baruchel: All right, I’ve landed, I’m here, we’ve said our hellos. Can we please go to fucking Carl’s Jr.? Seth Rogen: Uh… I would… I would love to, I’m on a… I can’t really eat that stuff right now. I’m on a, uh… I’m on this cleanse. Jay Baruchel: You’re on a what? Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse. Jay Baruchel: [laughs] Seth Rogen: It’s good for you. I didn’t know— You’re supposed to take shits a day. Jay Baruchel: That’s not true. Seth Rogen: It is true. Jay Baruchel: You’re supposed to shit twice a day. Seth Rogen: No. That’s not true. That’s what they used to think. Now they know you’re supposed to shit six times a day. Jay Baruchel: So, you’re not drinking, you’re not smoking weed? You’re not… Seth Rogen: Oh, no, no. I’m drinking, I’m smoking weed. Jay Baruchel: But… Seth Rogen: I’m on a cleanse, I’m not psychotic. Look, man, if you stopped eating gluten, you’d feel way fucking better all day. Whenever you feel shitty, that’s cause of gluten. Jay Baruchel: That’s not true. Who th

Dialogue

Seth Rogen: This place is beautiful, man. James Franco: This place is like a piece of me. You two just stepped inside of me. Seth Rogen: You let us both cum inside you. Yeah. James Franco: Icing on the cake. [shows Seth the painting on the wall] Check it out. Painted them myself. Seth Rogen: Huh! James Franco: Side by side. A team. Seth Rogen: Holy shit. James Franco: So, is it weird? Seth Rogen: No. James Franco: You sure? Seth Rogen: I really like it. James Franco: What do you think, Jay? Jay Baruchel: I’m not a big art guy. James Franco: You don’t like art? Jay Baruchel: Well, come on. James Franco: You play video games? Jay Baruchel: Yes. James Franco: Well, guess what, buddy? You like art. Jay Baruchel: Yep. James Franco: You ever been to Subway? Jay Baruchel: Yes. James Franco: You order a sandwich? Somebody put that together for you, dude. That’s art. Seth Rogen: Sandwich artist. James Franco: So let me lay this on you, Jay. Jay Baruchel: Oh, fuck… James Franco: Your mama's puss

Dialogue

Father: Excuse me, would it be possible for my daughter to use your restroom? She's really got to go. Cashier: Read the sign. Customers only. Father: Seriously? Cashier: Why the fuck you think I put up the sign? Daughter: It's okay, Dad. I can hold it. Father: Let's just buy something for your mother. Seth Rogen: (watching the conversation) This cash register lady is mean! I have anxiety. Will you buy this for me? (Shows Jay a Milky Way) When I'm stoned, I can't do this. Jay Baruchel: I think I'm just gonna head back to your place. I'm not really liking it very much over there at Franco's. Seth Rogen: Dude, I want you to get to know these guys. That's never gonna happen if you don't put in any effort whatsoever, okay? Jay Baruchel: I hate it in there. I just want to drink some pop and smoke some weed... Seth Rogen: Are you okay? Cashier: (freaking out) DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL... Jay Baruchel: OH MY GOD!! JESUS!! JESUS!!! Seth Rogen: Oh my god, run! RUN! This way!! Jay Bar

Dialogue

Micheal Cera: [drunken to the crowd] ALRIGHT Everybody listen up, listen up!! Who took my FUCKING CELL PHONE, MAN?!?! MARTIN, EMPTY YOUR POCKETS!!! Martin Starr: What?! Micheal Cera: I saw you in the bathroom, man, somebody dial my phone, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!!! It's UNACCEPTABLE after all the coke I've WASTED on you people! I've THROWN AWAY!!! Martin Starr: I didn't take your fucking cell phone! Micheal Cera: THREE-ONE-ZERO-NINE...!! Seth Rogen: Woah, woah! Mike! Mike! MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!MIKE!!!! David Krumholtz: MY FACE!!! Micheal Cera: What's happening to me?! What's happening?! Seth Rogen: MICHEAL, COME BACK!!! Micheal Cera: [Sobbing in pain and humiliation] Oh shit, that's embarrassing!

Dialogue

Seth Rogen: You okay, man? Jay Baruchel: No, it’s nothing, it’s just, you know, as soon as we got there, you did what you said you wouldn’t do. Seth Rogen: What did I do? Jay Baruchel: You just fucking ditched my ass. Seth Rogen: I didn’t ditch you. Are you kidding me? I did not ditch you. I was talking to Jonah and then you left to go have a cigarette. Jay Baruchel: Well, you know, my cigarette was an excuse. I really went outside cause Jonah was being a prick. Seth Rogen: Jonah was not being a prick. If anything, you were kind of being a prick. Jonah’s the nicest guy ever. Jay Baruchel: Oh, my God, that’s a thin veneer of kindness. Nobody’s that nice. Seth Rogen: Jonah is that nice. Jay Baurchel: Serial killers are that nice. Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured? Jay Baruchel: Oh, for fuck's sake... Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

Dialogue

James Franco: Dude, look. Helicopters, helicopter. The good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine. Craig Robinson: [screaming and jumping] Goddamn! Oh, goddamn! James Franco: You okay? Craig Robinson: No, I'm not okay. [shows his damaged finger] Fuck yo house, Franco! James Franco: My house didn't do that!

Dialogue

Seth Rogen: [taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours. James Franco: [correcting Seth] 127 Hours. Seth Rogen: Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys. James Franco: Old faithful. [picks up the gun] Jay Baruchel: Jesus. James Franco: Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie. Seth Rogen: Yeah. James Franco: This is an actual revolver. Seth Rogen: I see, yeah. Craig Robinson: Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please? James Franco: Loaded. Jonah Hill: Love it. Jay Baruchel: Awesome. Can you just put the gun away? James Franco: I al

Dialogue

Seth Rogen: [after the group inventories the remaining food] Okay, food. How are we gonna deal with this? Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way? James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party. Jay Baruchel: That's weird. James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth. Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way. Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way. James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way. Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way. Jonah Hill: Guys. Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable. Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything. James Franco: [To Craig] I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly. Craig Robinson: I'm not sporting a

Dialogue

Danny McBride: Franco! Good morning, sunshine! James Franco: Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the fucking food! Jonah Hill: Danny! Danny McBride: No, it’s cool, man. I fucking made this for you guys! Seth Rogen: Stop eating! Jay Baruchel: Don’t eat another piece of bacon! Danny McBride: Guys just chill the fuck out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can fucking afford some more bacon. Craig Robinson: Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued! Danny McBride: Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got fucking wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you. Seth Rogen: Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks! Danny McBride: James Franco didn’t suck any dick last nig

Dialogue

James Franco: Hi, this is James Franco, um, in my house in my library. Uh, we’ve been stuck here for about 24 hours. Danny McBride is here. Um, I didn’t even invite him to my party, but he came and passed out in the bathtub. I gotta say, it’s like typical fucking McBride. Like, I’ve been feeling really weird about him lately, like I don’t really know if I wanna be friends with him and, uh… then he fucking showed up at my party and now we’re stuck here with him, uh, in disaster lockdown, so, uh… Danny McBride: What up? What’s going on? James Franco: Hey, Danny, what’s up, man? Danny McBride: Not much. What are you doing? What is this? James Franco: Oh, it’s just a video confessional. James Franco: Fuck that dude!

Dialogue

James Franco: Earthquakes cause tsunamis. Seth Rogen: Yes. James Franco: Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster. Danny McBride: I mean for all we know, the fucking Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening. Seth Rogen: Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground. Jonah Hill: Sinkhole de Mayo. Seth Rogen: Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime. Jay Baruchel: It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is. Craig Robinson: Let’s hear it. Jay Baruchel: I think it’s the Apocalypse. James Franco: What? Jay Baruchel: I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations. James Franco: You took my Bible? Jay Baruchel: Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the

Dialogue

James Franco: [after sending Emma Watson to James’ bedroom] We’ll be right here, okay? Fuck are you guys doing here? Seth Rogen: Here’s what I think we should do. She’s British, right? She’s used to eating shitty food anyway. Let’s just give her all the shitty food that we don’t want. James Franco: That’s fucked up. Look how tiny she is. She’s not even a full seven. She’s like half a seven. Danny McBride: This is a fucking cool thing, man. I, for one, am very excited. I’m a massive Harry Potter fan. James Franco: What? Danny McBride: Yes. I love fucking Harry Potter. I cannot wait until she wakes up and I can ask her all these amazing questions about how they made those motion pictures. James Franco: Take it easy, Dumble Dore. Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room. Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that. Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man. Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant. James Franco: T

Dialogue

Emma Watson: [Holding an axe] Back the fuck up! James Franco: Emma, what's wrong? Seth Rogen: W-W-W-What's wrong? Emma Watson: What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me. All: No! No, no, no, no! Seth Rogen: I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Seth's nose with the back of her axe] OH! Jay Baruchel: Holy shit! Emma Watson: BACK UP! [swishes her axe around] Jonah Hill: It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you... Emma Watson: GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG! Seth Rogen: There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US! Emma Watson: I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe] Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! James Franco: Okay! Craig Robinson: GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG! Danny McBride: Oh, God! Craig Robinson: PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG! Emma

Dialogue

James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?! Seth Rogen: Did what, what are you talking about? James Franco: [holds up his jizzed porn magazine] Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth? Seth Rogen: No. James Franco: No? Danny McBride: [raises his hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine. James Franco: What?! Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you? James Franco: Real fucking smart answer! Why don't you fucking aim, huh?! Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose, she's gonna grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth! James Franco: The fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a fucking sock or on a fuckin' tissue?! Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers. I was r

Dialogue

Seth Rogen: That is so fucking good. James Franco: The two heroes over here breaking through the floor. Seth Rogen: We did break through the floor. Jay Baruchel: Any of you guys would have done the same thing. Seth Rogen: Oh, man, that fucking hurt. Jay Baruchel: Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t shart again. Seth Rogen: I think I did. Jonah Hill: Hey, what year is this? Jay Baruchel: 19… Seth Rogen: That’s a good… That’s a good year. Craig Robinson: [turns his attention to McBride about to pour water] Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin?! Danny McBride: What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim] Seth Rogen: Fuck, man! Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch. James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?! Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man. Danny McBride: We

Dialogue

Danny McBride: This how you all feel? Seth Rogen: We talked about it. Danny McBride: You guys are gonna vote me off the island? I mean, I made you guys breakfast. James Franco: Oh, shit, man, you wasted half of our food when you did that. Danny McBride: Just thought I was doing something nice for you guys. Just to apologize for my behavior at the party. Party I wasn’t even invited to. I’m not an idiot. I know why you guys don’t fucking call me or hang out with me anymore. It’s because I party so fucking hard. Always have, ever since I was a baby, I wouldn’t just suck on my mama’s titties, I would fuckin’ bang them and motorboat them. Everything I’ve been doing has just been a cry for help. When I came on your magazine, James, it was a cum for help. I’ve just been crying and cumming and crying and cumming. Tears from the tip of my penis, dudes. James Franco: I’m sorry, all right? You can cum wherever you want. Danny McBride: I don’t even care about cumming anymore. Right now, I’m just k

Dialogue

Danny McBride: Thank you, James. It means a lot to you, and I appreciate that you’d give this to me. Stupid. Stupid motherfucker! James Franco: Fucking psychopath! Danny McBride: What the...? James Franco: [takes the revolver back] It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here? Danny McBride: You were gonna send me out there with a fucking gun filled with blanks? Seth Rogen: Oh, fuck you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you fucking dickhead! James Franco: Fucking murdering motherfucker! Danny McBride: Whatever. Fucking civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so fucking high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious fucking nerd. James Franco: Fuck you. Danny McBride: Jonah... you fucking cunt. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You fucking disappoint me. Craig Robinson: Bro. Danny McBride: Set

Dialogue

Seth Rogen: [discussing the apocalypse] This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who fucking saw that coming that there's actually a God? Jay Baruchel: I-I'd say 95% of the planet. Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ, man. Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that. Seth Rogen: "Jesus fucking Christ"? Craig Robinson: Yes. Seth Rogen: Why? Why can't I say that? Craig Robinson: One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain". Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord. Craig Robinson: Jesus, God. It's all the same. Jay Baruchel: It's the trinity. Seth Rogen: Jesus... Craig Robinson: Father, Son, Holy Ghost. James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream. Seth Rogen: I don't even know what the fucking Commandmen

Dialogue

Jay Baruchel: [trying to perform an exorcism] The power of Christ compels you! Jonah Hill: [possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling. Seth Rogen: Jay, are you serious right now? That’s your fucking plan? You gonna repeat line from The Exorcist?

Dialogue

Jay Baruchel: [after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny? Danny McBride: What the fuck?! You guys are still alive?! Seth Rogen: Yeah! Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] Fuck out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Shit, I can't believe you guys are here! That's fuckin' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten. And you three gentlemen look delicious. Jay Baruchel: What does that have to do with us? James Franco: The fuck you talking about? Danny McBride: [laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna fucking eat your ass! Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us! Fuck that, man! Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-fucked this dude. See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit, I do whateve

Dialogue

Jay Baruchel: Holy shit! Seth Rogen: It worked! Danny McBride: What the fuck? James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! [sticks up both middle fingers] Fuck you! Ha, ha! Suck my dick! Aaaaahhhh... Seth Rogen: Oh shit. James Franco: [horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?! Danny McBride: I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine. James Franco: What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose] Danny McBride: [holding up James' severed nose] HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks] James Franco: [last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO! Danny McBride: SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay] Jay Baruchel: Oh shit, they're running after us! Seth Rogen: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit, run! Danny McBride: [last words] BRING