Quotes

Pilot

Annette Johnson: You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not. Dr. John Becker: Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.

My Dinner With Becker

If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.

Man Plans, God Laughs

Dr. John Becker: You guys see the paper this morning? Jake Malinak: John, we keep going over this. I'm blind. I haven't seen anything for five years. Dr. John Becker: Yeah, well it's unbelievable. Some kid in West Virginia gets a bad grade, grabs his daddy's rifle and shoots out his teacher's tyres. Another slice of Americana brought to you by those card-carrying lunatics who think they're defending the Second Amendment! Lord knows when I want the Constitution explained to me, the first place I turn to is some toothless cretin with a third-grade education and an Elmer Fudd cap! Not that I have anything against hunting; if it makes you feel more like a man to blow Bambi's head off, knock yourself out! Just lock up the damn gun so when little Billy Bob, you know, flunks gym, he doesn't throw a hissy fit and take out half the faculty! Jake Malinak: Reg, we gotta get to the paper before he does so we can cut out everything that'll piss him off! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: That pretty much leav

Man Plans, God Laughs

Dr. John Becker: There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"? Linda: Headache, "A" for ache. Dr. John Becker: Pregnancy? Linda: "B" for baby. Dr. John Becker: X-ray? Linda: "C" for see-through.

Man Plans, God Laughs

[talking to a pregnant patient] Okay, Mrs. Capelos, you're gonna be just fine. In a couple of weeks, you're gonna be flat on your back with your legs in the air, screaming like a banshee. [after she leaves, under his breath] Pretty much what put you in that condition in the first place!

Man Plans, God Laughs

Jehovah's Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife? John Becker: Depends. Are you two gonna be there? Jehovah's Witness: Why yes- [Becker slams the door]

City Lights

[to an elderly woman] Come on, lady! I've seen continents drift faster than this!

Physician, Heal Thyself

Becker: I'd love to set you straight, but I gotta go heal the sick! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Do you really heal the sick or do you just harangue the disease out of the person like an exorcism?

Physician, Heal Thyself

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [about Becker] Oh I hate it when he's like that! Jake Malinak: Smug? Regina "Reggie" Kostas: No, breathing!

Choose Me

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Look, Jake, not that I don't enjoy this sucking up, but if you want the hockey ticket, you're gonna have to do better than this; after all, there are other men in my life! [Bob walks in] Bob: Hello, losers! That's right, Bob's back! [Reggie rolls her eyes] Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I've got to get a bug-zapper in here! Bob: Notice anything different about Bob? Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [indifferent] You shed a layer of skin? Bob: You're closer than you think. Bob had a makeover; I've been loofahed, polished, waxed and buffed to a high sheen! I've had a facial, and for the first time in the salon's history, a back-al! I'll show you later! Jake Malinak: Thank God I'm blind! Becker: [repeated line when someone knocks on his door] If this is about my car blocking your space, I'm not moving! If this is about my laundry in all of the machines, it's not moving!

Choose Me

Margaret: [coming into Becker's apartment] Did you know it smells like cabbage out there? Becker: Yeah, it's the old couple at the end of the hallway. Either they cook sauerkraut every night, or they've been dead since Tuesday! Becker: [shouting at a Chinese takeaway worker] Hey, how many times I gotta tell you?! Quit sliding menus under my door! Look, I've eaten in this crappy restaurant! And don't think I don't know what's going on down there too! I've seen that dumpster full of dog collars!

Love! Lies! Bleeding!

Becker: Valentine's Day: the shallowest, greediest exploitation of emotion since my second marriage! Becker: The only person who ever celebrated this day right was Al Capone. Reggie: You know Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too. Becker: Woah! You and I agree on something? Reggie: I know, it scares me too! But you're right; all the pressure- 'Will I get a date?', 'Won't I get a date?', 'Gotta get a date', 'Didn't get a date'- who needs it? Jake: Congratulations John, you just claimed another soul! Jake: Kiss my ass! Becker: Certainly not the most romantic invitation I've ever gotten. Oddly enough, not the least either.

Becker the Elder

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I'm just relieved to know Becker has a father: I was always under the impression he was raised by wolves. Jake Malinak: Yeah, really pissy wolves!

Becker the Elder

John Becker: [annoyed] Cut the crap, will you!? I'm not a customer; I'm your son! I don't wanna joke, I don't want a pen! Every few years, you show up and we do this ridiculous little dance! You wanna talk to me, talk to me! Fred Becker: What do you want to talk about? John Becker: No, no, no, no! This time, we're really gonna talk!...I was eleven years old. Why'd you leave? Fred Becker: [solemn] Ok, Johnny. Here it is; your mother and I were completely wrong for each other. All we ever did was argue. It got to the place where I took any kind of a job, just to get out of town. Your mother finally got fed up and...told me to keep going. John Becker: I didn't ask you to leave! I didn't argue with you, why didn't you at least come back and see me!? Fred Becker: Because your mother asked me not to. [John looks stunned] You didn't know that, did you? And yes, I could've insisted I have a bigger part in your life, but I didn't. I took the easy way out and I regret it. John Becker: [shocked]

Larry Spoke

Ah hell, there's that damn meter maid! HEY GRANDMA, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY CAR! WHY AREN'T YOU OUT STEALING KETCHUP PACKETS LIKE NORMAL OLD WOMEN!?

Larry Spoke

[on religion] Religion is supposed to be about people being nice to each other, but frankly, I don't see a lot of that. You know, what I do see is people using the Good Book to say that they're morally superior. I see people building TV stations to bilk Grandma out of her pension cheques, all in the name of God, you know. And how about all those God-fearing people who are killing other God-fearing people because they don't fear God in the same way!?

Activate Your Choices

Becker: Oh please! She's no doctor! She's no writer! Hell, she's not even a real blonde! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Come on, Becker! How could you know anything about her!? Becker: She's my ex-wife. Regina "Reggie" Kostas: GET OUT OF HERE! She's your ex-wife? Jake, you gotta see this! Jake Malinak: Blind! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [winces] Right. [to Becker] She's the woman that you left? Beck: Yeah, good old Sandra. She was activating her choices with just about every man she ever met! Bob: She has the high fashion, uptown look Bob finds very hot. Becker: She'd crush you like a bug! Bob: You don't know Bob; he's one tough little insect! Becker: You know how it is when you're married; you have those cute little nicknames for each other. Regina "Reggie" Kostas: So what's your name for her? Becker: "Castrating bitch from Hell"!

Activate Your Choices

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her. Becker: Yeah, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein! Becker: Look partner, she's gonna be fine! Why don't you just call your office? Maybe there's someone who missed getting screwed today! Lawyer: I really resent that! Becker: Well then my work is done! Sandra: And you said I wasn't fair to you. Becker: Oh come on, that don't count, he's a lawyer. I actually look forward to the day we can hunt them!

Partial Law

Jake Malinak: Just caught a whiff of something strange from outside. Like a combination of exhaust fumes, hair tonic and really cheap cologne! Bob: Hello, wage slaves! Bob's back! Jake Malinak: That explains it! Bob: Long time no see! Kinda your life story, eh? Jake Malinak: Times like this, I don't mind!

Partial Law

Becker: Have you ever been robbed? Margaret: Oh please, I have lived in New York my whole life. I was held up on Prom Night...by my date!

Saving Harvey Cohen

Bob: Hey, Doc! Dr. John Becker: Hey, dork!

Saving Harvey Cohen

Dr. John Becker: [to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking? Dr. John Becker: Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here. Linda: Well, I would, but I have to be downtown by 6, and I don't wanna be late for my best friend's wedding 'cause there's a real good chance she could go into labour. Becker: Well, fine, fine. Margaret, please? Margaret: Now, I would, but I've got a helpless animal of my own at home, and we are having dinner with his parents tonight. Becker: Fine. You know, fine. Like I don't have enough two-legged patients to take care of around here! Open up the ark, you know, let in all the animals! Between Mrs. Kramer's cataracts and Mr. Santiago's arthritis, I suppose I could fit in a grooming and the occasional flea dip. [under his breath to Linda as he takes the cat from her] Actually, you know, some of our patients could use a good flea dip. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: OH, GIVE ME A BREAK! Jake Ma

Truth and Consequences

Dr. John Becker: What's with the toothpick? What are you, Neil Armstrong, claiming this burger in the name of all mankind? Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: It's a garnish! Sue me, I'm trying to give the place a lift! Dr. John Becker: Well if that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping the grime off the walls and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures? Jake Malinak: I dunno, John, it kinda dresses things up! I like it! Dr. John Becker: Like it? You can't even see it! You didn't think of that, did you Reggie!? I mean, Jake here could put his eye out with one of these things, or I could puncture the roof of my mouth! Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: This puncture, would it shut you up for a couple of days!?

Truth and Consequences

Jake Malinak: So you knew John as a kid? Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Let me ask you a question- Barry Becker: Exactly the same. He just bitched in a higher voice!

Truth and Consequences

This is why I hate coming to New Jersey! As far as I'm concerned, they should tear down the bridge and block both the tunnels!

Drive, They Said

Becker: [honking at the car in front] Come on, come on! If you're gonna drive that slow, you shouldn't be on the road! Margaret: John, it's a hearse. Becker: Just because it's too late for him doesn't mean he has to ruin it for the rest of us.

Lucky Day

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [to Becker] Would a lucky day destroy your view of life as a bleak and punishing hell? Jake Malinak: Ah, took you a while Reg, but you finally figured him out!

Lucky Day

Becker: Why is it the good patients always die and the pain-in-the-asses go on and on? Margaret: Yeah, why is that?

Regarding Reggie

Becker: You gotta accept it, Jake; as soon as you get involved with a woman, it's only a matter of time before you're the next contestant on "Guess Why I'm Mad". Jake: Yeah, that's on right before "All I Do For You And This Is The Thanks I Get".

Point of Contact

Dr. John Becker: Jake, you can stop worrying about the decline of civilisation, it's officially hit bottom! Once again, the knuckle-dragging boobs of this country have allowed themselves to be led to slaughter by the hideous forces of evil! Jake Malinak: Come on, John! You promised me, you promised me you'd stop watching Oprah! Dr John Becker: It's not Oprah, not this time- but I got my eye on her! You know that burned out building down the block? Jake Malinak: Er, this is the Bronx, John. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific!

Imm-Oral Fixations

Dr. John Becker: Jake, you watch the news last night? Jake Malinak: How many times do I have to tell you... Dr. John Becker: Rhetorical question, stay with me, will you? So they're doing a story about violence in America, and they're interviewing some bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states. Now, does Senator Gomer advocate making guns more difficult to get? No, he blames television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island. Oh great, now I'm out of cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning. Jake Malinak: Why don't you just quit, John? They're taking years off your life Dr. John Becker: Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years where you walk around bitching at the world. Jake Malinak: As opposed to this whole high-on-life Gandhi thing you've got going on now?

Imm-Oral Fixations

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [on the phone] Look, I need a new motor for my damn freezer! Don't give me excuses; I've got a kitchen full of sour milk, rotten eggs and purple meat! [hangs up] What you having, Becker? Dr. John Becker: Second thoughts about dining here!

Imm-Oral Fixations

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [to Amanda about the diner] Not quite our condo on South Beach. Jake Malinak: Not quite a condo on Omaha Beach!

Imm-Oral Fixations

Jake Malinak: [shaking hands with Amanda] Ooh, you sound tall. Amanda: You smell friendly. Why're we talking like this? Jake Malinak: I'm blind. Amanda: And yet you're still staring at my breasts! Jake Malinak: Sorry, creature of habit.

Imm-Oral Fixations

Mr. Ehrlich: So, anyway, Dr. Becker, I just feel off. Everything hurts. Dr. John Becker: As I've been saying, Mr. Ehrlich, it's all part of the flu. Mr. Ehrlich: I've got chills and a fever. Even my legs are achey, Dr. John Becker: All part of the flu. Mr. Ehrlich: My nose is stuffy, I have no energy. Dr. John Becker: Part of the flu! Mr. Ehrlich: Then there's the sweats, mostly at night. Dr. John Becker: The flu! Mr. Ehrlich: I think that's why they call them night sweats. What caused them? Dr. John Becker: [shouts] It's the flu! For God's sake, Mr. Ehrlich, what's the matter with you?! Mr. Ehrlich: I don't know, I think I caught a bug. Dr. John Becker: [storms out]

Cyrano De Beckerac

Reggie Kostas: Becker, you know so little about women it's hard to believe you actually came from one! Dr. John Becker: Hey, that was the best relationship with a woman I ever had! My mother fed me, kept me warm and we didn't have to talk all the time!

Cyrano De Beckerac

Jake Malinak: Revenge is a big part of your life, isn't it? Dr. John Becker: You kidding me? It's the best part of waking up!

Linda Quits

Reggie Kostas: Don't you have an ounce of romance in your soul?! Jake Malinak: What makes you think he even has a soul?! Dr. John Becker: Oh please, romance is like the cheese in a mousetrap; it's what baits you into position so the metal bar of reality can come snapping down on your neck! Reggie Kostas: You're just upset because you were unlucky in love. Dr. John Becker: I was not unlucky in love, I was unlucky in court.

My Boyfriend's Back

Reggie, hi! Gimme a coffee and a muffin, quick: I have to get to the office before Dr Becker! If I'm even half a second late, the bug up his butt grabs the stick up his butt and beats me with it!

Shovel Off to Buffalo

Reggie: Hey, get your claws off my husband, AND GET ME MY DAMN NUTS! Becker: I want a divorce.

He Said, She Said

Megan: My dad: he never liked you after all that stuff you said about Nixon! Becker: Turned out I was right though, wasn't I? Well, that explains why I never heard back from you... Megan: So all these years, you thought I didn't care? Becker: Nixon! Bastard's dead and he's still screwing me!

Stumble in the Bronx

Dr. John Becker: Tell me something; what is it about me that makes people think my only purpose on this planet is to help them!? Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: The letters "M.D." after your name?

Stumble in the Bronx

Bob: [walking in] Jake. Jake Malinak: [walking out] Jerk!

Stumble in the Bronx

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Dog. Dr. John Becker: Leave. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Tree. Dr. John Becker: Me. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Man. Dr. John Becker: Alone. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Hey!

Stumble in the Bronx

Margaret: So someone finally shot you. Dr. John Becker: I always thought it would be you, Margaret. Margaret: So did I.

Hate Thy Neighbor

Dr. John Becker: You can't replace me with just anybody! My patients trust me, they know me! Margaret: They certainly do; the police are checking them out as possible suspects!

Hate Thy Neighbor

Dr. John Becker: Stop flapping your lips, get my stuff and let's go! Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [exasperated] Why exactly did you save his life? Dr. Liz Carson: Had to; took an oath. Why'd you volunteer to take him home? Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Had to; lost a coin toss.

The Rumor

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [confused] Fruit!? You don't eat fruit, you hate fruit! Dr. John Becker: Look, you don't want my business, there are plenty of places that'll give me fruit without an argument! Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Sorry! I'm just so used to you eating wrong. Dr. John Becker: Of course I eat wrong; I eat here!

The Rumor

Bob: Bob knows what you're trying to do; you're trying to make him look bad in front of Reggie. Well, it won't work; she aches for me! Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [coldly] Bob, you turn my stomach! Bob: [undeterred] That's an ache.

All The Rage

Dr. John Becker: Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Its a rubber band. Dr. John Becker: Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it every time I feel angry. Jake Malinak: Doesn't that hurt? Dr. John Becker: Yes. Jake Malinak: Won't that make you more angry? Dr. John Becker: Shut up. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns. Dr. John Becker: Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.

Old Yeller

Well it's official, they finally turned New York into a police state! I'm driving to work, and like I do every morning when I get to the corner of White Plains Road and Lester Avenue, I turn right- and I know, I know it's a one way street but I only go twenty five yards then I take a shortcut down this alley! Today, some idiot of a cop is lying in wait for me, and he tickets me for an illegal turn, broken tailight, no seatbelt, and oh yeah, no rear-view mirror! I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A ONE-WAY STREET, THERE'S NOTHING BEHIND ME!

The Roast That Ruined Them

[After Becker invites her into his apartment in his underpants] Either I'm early or this is a different kind of party!

The Bearer of Bad Tidings

Linda: I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it. Dr. John Becker: Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called? Linda: Wow, it's like you read my mind. Dr. John Becker: Some are easier than others. Linda: I have a message for you. Margaret: Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called? Linda: Wow, you people are freakin' scary. Dr. John Becker: I won't tell her if you won't tell her.

The Bearer of Bad Tidings

Margaret: Just for today, you are Beth. Lynda: I don't like the name Beth. Linda: I do, can I be Beth? Lynda: I want to be Beth too. Margaret: You can't both be Beth. Linda: Why? We're both Linda. Lynda: Let's pick our own names. Linda: I want to be Margaret. Lynda: No, I want to be Margaret. Margaret: I want to be dead.

Sight Unseen

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Doesn't what she did piss you off? Dr. John Becker: Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks. Dr. John Becker: Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.

Panic on the 86th

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: I was born and raised in New York, and I've never been to the top of the Empire State Building! Linda: Really? I was conceived up here! Well, acually it was in the elevator. Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [incredulous] Your parents did it in the elevator!? Linda: Well they weren't going to do it on the stairs, they're not animals!

Super Bob

Linda: You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him. Dr. John Becker: If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive? Linda: [to Margaret] He didn't do it.

Super Bob

Becker: What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy! Bob: [coming out of phone booth] Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job. Becker: I didn't kill anybody, Bob! What'd you just say? Bob: I'm your new super! Becker: But Alexei just died this morning. How could you even know about the job? Bob: I owe it all to Linda. Becker: Linda helped you? My Linda? Bob: If, by "help", you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my resume—which, by the way, she wrote—acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped! Becker: But you don't know anything about being a super! Bob: What's to know? Jake can do it, for crying out loud! Jake: Hey! Bob: Not to mention it's the deal of a lifetime—good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English. It's what I was born to do! Becker: This can't be happening. Bob: Don't worry. W

Super Bob

Reggie: Hey, this could be great for business! I could make a working man's special! Becker: Why don't you make a John Becker special? Reggie: Oh, I would, except for who'd buy a sandwich made of crap, bologna and bullsh-- Becker: Hey!

One Wong Move

Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker. Richard Hatch: Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem. Dr. John Becker: Uh, why don't we just talk first. Richard Hatch: Okay. Dr. John Becker: [checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet? Richard Hatch: No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country. Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico? Richard Hatch: No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae... Dr. John Becker: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you? Richard Hatch: Hey, some of the other people there ate rats. Dr. John Becker: Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that? Richard Hatch: It was for "Survivor." Dr. John Becker: "Survivor?" Richard Hatch: You know, the contest? The show? It was on television. Dr. John Becker: Televisi

One Wong Move

(about Linda's clothes) Wow, is that a handkerchief? Because Bob feels a sneeze coming on.

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Dr. John Becker: I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, it's insane for me to go on smoking. Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: They raise the price of cigarettes again? Dr. John Becker: Yeah. $4.50 a pack! Jake: Don't try sneaking a smoke, 'cause I already talked to Margaret and Linda. I have eyes everywhere. Becker: You don't have eyes anywhere.

Dr. Angry Head

Kid: Are you Mr. Angry Head? Dr. John Becker: That's Doctor Angry Head.

Dr. Angry Head

Bob: I'm telling you, if I don't get a tip from one of those lousy tenants soon, I'm shutting off their heat! Jake: That oughta make you real popular! Bob: Yeah? Screw 'em! I can't guarantee a white Christmas, but for some of those old farts, it's gonna be a blue one!

Dr. Angry Head

I didn't know Margaret drank. Then again, she does work for Becker!

The Trouble with Harry

She's on her way to the bottom. And Bob is the Mayor of the bottom!

The Trouble with Harry

Jake Malinak: Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want to stretch your legs, which leads to taking a walk, which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert. Jake Malinak: Bad idea; you'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex! Reggie "Reggie" Kostas: Coffee? Jake Malinak: Coffee! Coffee breath, mints, drug store, aisle 12, sex! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Can we meet for water? Jake Malinak: WATER!? Why don't you just do it in the street!?

The Princess Cruise

Linda: Someday you'll look back on this and laugh. Dr. John Becker: Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.

Pretty Poison

Megan: John, guess what? I left my husband. After all this time, we can finally be together! Becker: I hate this dream! [slams the door in her face]

Pretty Poison

Becker having sex? Nah, I don't see it [slyly] but if I get that new drill, I will!

The Ugly Truth

Dr John Becker: You know what kind of person tapes another person!? NIXON! Reggie: You mean you really had nothing to do with this? Oh, my God. Dr John Becker: That's great. You know, I think she thinks that I...Oh, how about that? Hehehe...Yeah, sometimes God just hands you one.

The More You Know

Anita: John, I'm sorry. Can I use your bathroom to put my makeup on? Becker: Yeah, I guess. Why? Anita: The lights in my apartment shorted out again, and speaking of short, have you seen Bob anywhere? I've been after him for days to fix them, and I'm ready to kill him. Becker: Yeah, well just don't kill him before he fixes my refrigerator. Bob: Wait a minute, you're with him!? If your self-esteem is that low, maybe you and I should talk! Anita: Bob, I had to come here to put on my makeup because you never fixed my lights. Bob: I'll get to it. Anita: Right now. You're coming with me. Becker: Whoa, whoa, what about my refrigerator? Bob: Bob's policy is to handle jobs on a priority basis. Becker: And how do her lights have priority over my refrigerator? Bob: You saw that dress and you really had to ask?

Nocturnal Omissions

I watched the moon landing on that TV, the 1969 Mets winning the World Series, Nixon's resignation...lots of good times.

The TorMentor

Dr. John Becker: He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was? Linda: Who? Dr. John Becker: Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me. Linda: Oh, when you said young it threw me off. Dr. John Becker: ...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes Bob: Who said Harvard students don't know how to party? Dr. John Becker: I can't believe you don't remember me! Prof. Fowler: I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!

Sue You

Dr. John Becker: What's new, Linda? Linda: A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing. Dr. John Becker: The flower dress? Linda: No, worse. Dr. John Becker: The pants with the gold circles? Linda: No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh. Dr. John Becker: Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.

Trials and Defibrillations

Ruth: We need a new strategy. Dr. John Becker: Does it involve me taking the bailiff's gun and blasting my way out of here? Ruth: No, that's plan B.

Trials and Defibrillations

Judge Reinhold: Dr. Becker, I don't want to hear your voice again. Counselor, call your next witness. Ruth: [pointing to Becker] It's him.

Trials and Defibrillations

Melvin: And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too? Vinny Deluca: [points to Becker] That man there. Dr. John Becker: Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?

Trials and Defibrillations

Margaret: Was that a real bible? Margaret: I'm sorry, John, I have to tell the truth. Dr. John Becker: [pointing to the jury] You know they can hear you?

Trials and Defibrillations

Melvin Goaler: So you would consider yourself to be a good friend of his? Anita: I would say so, yes. Goaler: Uh, one more question, Miss Gilbert: is it true you're a prostitute? Anita: I don't see what that has to do with this case. Goaler: What's the matter? You're ashamed to admit you're a prostitute? Anita: No more ashamed than you should be to admit you're a lawyer! Goaler: [somewhat chastened] No further questions.

Trials and Defibrillations

Dr. John Becker: [after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] Whether or not I'm a nice guy is not on trial here! Whether or not I'm a good doctor is, and if this court can't tell the difference, then to hell with this court! Judge Reinhold: Doctor Becker, you are out of order! Dr. John Becker: [turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order! Judge Reinhold: [bangs gavel] OK, Pacino! That's it! You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!

Another Tricky Day

Dr. John Becker: You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap. Margaret: Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences. Devilish-Looking Man: Excuse me. Margaret: (takes one look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient? Devilish-Looking Man: Yes, I am. Margaret: And your name is...? Devilish-Looking Man: I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.

Parannoyed

Bob: Wow, she's so nice! Jake Malinak: Bob, she blew you off. Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Yeah, she was just letting you down easy. Bob: That's what I mean! Usually, I just get a kick in the groin and a face-full of pepper spray!

Parannoyed

[about the music one of his neighbours plays] That's not music, that's a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo!

Parannoyed

Jake Malinak: You're staying with Bob!? Is there anything you wanna talk to me about? Dr. John Becker: I told you, my apartment is filled with 'roaches! [shudders] Urgh, 'roaches! Regina "Reggie" Kostas: [shudders] Urgh, Bob!

Missteaks

Dr. John Becker: You know what I hate!? Jake Malinak: Who's got the list?

Missteaks

Dr. John Becker: What the hell is this!? It's cold, it's packed in dry ice... Chris Connor: Maybe it's the heart you always wanted.

And The Heartbeat Goes On [5.4]

Dr. John Becker: I never told you to shut up. Mr. Humphries: You hung up on me once. Dr. John Becker: So I didn't have to tell you to shut up. Mr. Humphries: Tonight, I want you to read this. Dr. John Becker: "10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus! Mr. Humphries: My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this. Dr. John Becker: "Tuesdays With Morrie"? Mr. Humphries: It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital. Dr. John Becker: We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now! Mr. Humphries: The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"? Dr. John Becker: No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!

The 100th [5.6]

Chris Connor: You told Tony I was gay so he wouldn't be interested in me. Then you told me Tony was gay so I wouldn't be interested in him. Dr. John Becker: Do you think I would be capable of that? Chris Connor: You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!

But I've Got Friends I Haven't Used Yet [5.13]

Bob: You guys aren't gonna believe what just happened! I just came from the gym- Jake Malinak: The gym!? I thought the judge said you couldn't go back there! Bob: That was the old gym! Anyway, I'm standing in front of this big window, watching an abs and ass class, when suddenly, they wheel some guy by with a sheet over his head! Jake Malinak: Was he dead? Bob: [sarcastically] No, he was in a Halloween costume. Yeah, he was dead! Anway, the poor schmuck keeled over on the treadmill. [worried] He was in his thirties, just like me! I mean, you spend years building a life-wife, kids, career- then one day, it's over! Jake Malinak: Well, you got nothing to worry about; you got none of those things! [cackles] Bob: Neither do you! [Jake abruptly stops laughing]

The Pain in the Neck [5.14]

Bob: You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against! Jake Malinak: Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life. Mr. Stoler: I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in. Dr. John Becker: Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers! Mr. Stoler: Don't doctors think they have all the answers? Dr. John Becker: I *do* have all the answers!

The Job [5.16]

Linda: I was right. He's [Becker's] a junkie. Dr. John Becker: Who the hell is this?

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Chris Connor: Just to set the record straight, I don't love you! Dr John Becker: Well I don't love you! I don't even know what made me think I could like you: you're so cute and sweet and nice and perky! Chris Connor: Well it's better than being a cranky old fart! Dr John Becker: I'm not cranky! There are just certain things that irritate me! Chris Connor: Yeah, everything irritates you! You wouldn't know happiness if it bit you in the ass! Dr John Becker: Oh why don't you bite me in the ass!? Chris Connor: Oh, why don't you bite yourself in the ass!? Your head's right there, anyway! Dr John Becker: [outraged] Just go away, would you!? Chris Connor: Ah, I'm going! Goodnight! Dr John Becker: Good night! Chris Connor: [stutters angrily] GOOD NIGHT! Dr John Becker: YOU WANNA HAVE DINNER WITH ME SOMETIME!? Chris Connor: I'D LOVE TO!

Spontaneous Combustion

Dr John Becker: Hey, Ming! How's it going, buddy? Bill: Becker, there are 5,000 Chinese restaurants in this town. You wanna be a buddy, try one of them! Dr John Becker: Nice attitude there. Is that how you treat all your good customers? Bill: When you come in at 5:59 just to get the 'Early Bird Special', and then use so many coupons I end up owing you money, you're not a good customer, you're a pain in my ass!

Afterglow

Jake: I told you I don't wanna sell these. Hector: You're not, they're selling themselves. Jake: Get rid of them. Hector: You don't want me to do that. Look how much money you made. Jake: Hey, you know, I don't care. Listen, what I have on display up here reflects who I am, all right? And I want this to be one corner of the world where decent people can by and not be offended. So unwrap these magazines and put 'em down there. Hector: What about your "corner of the world"? Jake: Oh, my corner of the world is still gonna be pure. However, down there in Porn Town, that's where Jake pays the rent.

The Unbelievable Wrongness of Talking

Dana: What do you have against the New York City Marathon? Dr. John Becker: The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.

Chock Full 'O Nuts

Dr. John Becker: Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it! Deputy Secretary: Wow. You sound pretty upset. Dr. John Becker: Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround. Deputy Secretary: Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that. Dr. John Becker: At least you see that. Deputy Secretary: Well of course I do! Dr. John Becker: Then you'll help me? Deputy Secretary: Oh dear no. Dr. John Becker: ...Well, maybe you didn't understand me... Deputy Secretary: No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action. Dr. John Becker: Exactly! Deputy Secretary: It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! Wha

Subway Story

Old woman: He would have been 40 today. Becker: Who? Who would have been 40? Old woman: My son...

D.N.R.

Patient: [guest star Mary Steenburgen, Ted Danson's real-life wife] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts. Dr. John Becker: I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.

D.N.R.

Chris Connor: Well, then... then... then just tell me what's going on. Dr. John Becker: Nothing's going on, nothing's going on. At least, I don't think there is. I don't know, it's just... I feel different. Chris Connor: What do you mean, "different"? Are you okay? Dr. John Becker: Yes, I'm okay! It's... at least, I think I am, you know? I... I don't know, I just... lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things. You know, my work, my friends, you. None of it's perfect, but... none of it's exactly horrible, either. Chris Connor: [smirks] I know *I'm* flattered. John, what are you trying to say? Dr. John Becker: It's... it's like all the irritating things that people do - you know, cutting me off in traffic, disagreeing with me - it just doesn't seem to bother me as much. And then tonight, the patient I've been visiting, Mr. Gordon, he passed away. Chris Connor: Oh, I'm sorry. Dr. John Becker: Uh, thanks. I mean, it happens. But, you know, the point is that he was... he was okay with