Quotes

Other

Ghost of Christmas Past: [after driving harmlessly through a van] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON! [laughs] Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention! Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work...'My back hurts,' 'my legs ache,' [pauses for a second] 'I'm only four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better! Promo Announcer: The night the reindeer died! Elliot Loudermilk: Hello wabbit. James Cross: [last lines] My brother, The King of Christmas.

Dialogue

Frank: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people. Elliot: Well, uh...granted but the people already wanna watch the show. Frank: That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up] Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up. [stands in front of the screens] Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain. [images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face] Drug addictions. [shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off] International terrorism. [jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car] Freeway killers. [guy with shotgun fires] Now more than ever... Frank: [speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't

Dialogue

Frank: Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too. Grace: What about my bonus? Frank: Towel and a facecloth.

Dialogue

Lew: Oh, Frank. Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble. Frank: All right. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you're right, that I am in big trouble. What exactly would that mean? Lew: Look at me. Look at your future. Now, if you don't change your ways, you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am. [pats his chest, sending dust flying, and coughs] One minute, I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, lining up a putt. A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast. Frank: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not a worm feast. [pointing at him] You're a HALLUCINATION, brought on by alcohol! Russian vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl! I'm under a lot of pressure lately, I've been putting on a big- Lew: [grabs his hand] SILENCE! Frank: Ow... Lew: I had it all. I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women. Frank: [almost laughing] ADORED?! Let's be honest, Lew! You paid for the women. Lew: I'm warning you, Frank: don't waste your life as I did mine. Frank: Waste? How can you say that?! You're

Dialogue

Frank: I want to see her nipples. Censor Lady: But this is a Christmas show. Frank: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples! Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples. Frank: See? And these guys are really looking!

Dialogue

Frank: I get it. You're here to show me my past, and I'm supposed to get all dully-eyed and mushy. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy! Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother...Niagara Falls!

Dialogue

Ghost of Christmas Past: You still spend the next fifteen years sitting on your ass watching TV. Frank: Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game- Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father. Frank: There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails- Ghost of Christmas Past: PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was Little House on the Prairie! Frank: ...Was it the the homecoming episode? Ghost of Christmas Past: [exasperated] Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you. Frank: Yeah? Name one.

Dialogue

Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on! Frank: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on! Ghost of Christmas Past: [disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here! Frank: What's going on? Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!

Dialogue

James: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up? Frank: Yeah, you get to treat them bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough them up.

Dialogue

Props man: [tries to attach antlers to a mouse] I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work. Frank: Did you try staples?

Dialogue

Frank: Same old Claire...still trying to save the world. Claire: You still trying to run it?

Dialogue

Frank: I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire...Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself! Claire: Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve! Frank: [starts to walk away and then turns around] Bah, humbug.

Dialogue

Elliot: Hello, IBC program room. Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air? Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh...he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead? Preston: A butthead? Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.