Quotes

Dialogue

Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three. Emily: I want a divorce. Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.

Dialogue

Jacob: Permission to speak candidly, sir. Cal: Uh, think you've already gone - there. Jacob: You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you're gettin' drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl, and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. Honestly, I don't know if I should help you or I should euthanize you.

Dialogue

Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack. Cal: [carefully looks at himself in the mirror and sighs] Yes, it is.

Dialogue

Jacob: [looking at Cal's shoes] Are you Steve Jobs? Cal: What? Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers? Cal: No. Jacob: Oh, OK. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

Dialogue

Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with. Cal: Sexually? Jacob: Yeah, no, I mean break-dance fighting.

Dialogue

Cal: I have children--plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn't supposed to tell you about either, but I did. Nice to meet you. Kate: What were you supposed to tell me? Cal: I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it's become corrupted. And I have 18 layers of clothes on. I'm wearing a shirt and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I'm just--it's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I'm--this--this sweater, this is called "slim cut", but it feels like a scuba suit. And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about? Kate: You think I'm the perfect combination of sexy and cute? Cal: That's what you picked up from what I just said?

Dialogue

Hannah: [after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me? Jacob: Yeah. Hannah: Do you still find me attractive? Jacob: Yes. Hannah: Do you still want to take me home? Jacob: Yeah. Hannah: Let's go.

Dialogue

Jacob: You're adorable. Hannah: No! I am sexy. I am R-rated sexy. Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right? I know. It's that I get really drunk and then I pass out. And you cover me with a blanket, and you kiss me on the cheek and nothing happens. But that's not why I'm here. I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar. Jacob: Jacob. Hannah: Jacob. Jacob: Are people still saying "bang"? Hannah: Oh, I do. We are gonna bang!

Dialogue

Hannah: Take off your shirt. Jacob: Why? Hannah: Please, can you take off your shirt, 'cause I can't stop thinking, and then you just... Jacob: OK, OK, OK, OK, OK! Hannah: All right! OK, OK, OK! Jacob: [removes his shirt, revealing his six-pack abs] OK, OK, OK. Hannah: Fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Can I...? Jacob: Ahh! You have cold hands. Now you take off your dress. Hannah: No. Jacob: Yes. Hannah: No way. Not with all of that going on. No, thank you. Is there dim lighting somewhere?

Dialogue

Jacob: What do you mean "what's my move"? Hannah: What's your move? What's your big move? Jacob: I got lots of moves. Hannah: What's your "big" move? Jacob: I'm not telling you my big move. Hannah: Tell me your move! Jacob: You're not ready for the big move. Hannah: Yes, I am! I want your big move! Jacob: You can't handle the big move, trust me. Hannah: [shouts] Tell me your big move! Jacob: I work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation. Hannah: "Dirty Dancing"? Jacob: Can I sit down, please? Hannah: Yeah. Jacob: Can I put back on my shirt? Hannah: No.

Dialogue

Hannah: Why "Dirty Dancing"? What do we do? Do we watch it? Jacob: Do you know the big move at the end of "Dirty Dancing" where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey? Hannah: Yeah. Jacob: I can do that. Hannah: OK? Jacob: So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song "Time of My Life", I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me. Hannah: [laughs] Oh my God, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Jacob: I agree, but it works every time. Hannah: That would not work on me!

Dialogue

Robbie: If you love her, then go get her back. Cal: Wow, how old are you?

Dialogue

Kate: As you know, Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth-grade English class. [gets up and writes on blackboard] Asshole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs. Weaver? Emily: Yes, I am, and I've spoken to the Principal... Kate: Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of shit, like the rest of them. Emily: [looking at Cal] This is not about Robbie... Kate: Asshole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous! Emily: Ewww!

Dialogue

Cal: I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates. At least, that's what my 13-year-old son tells me. Emily: He's a really strange kid. Cal: He scares the shit out of me. Emily: I miss you too.