Quotes

Dialogue

¿Qué dices si te rompo la cara?(What do you say if I break your face?) [the guy smiles and nods. He stops, and his own smile broadens, and he drops a hand on the guy's shoulder] No hablas ni una palabra del español, ¿ verdad, amigo? (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) [again, the guy smiles and nods. He looks back at Agent D] We got a winner. [to the others] Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!)

Dialogue

Edgar: [from inside the house] I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, dammit! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck! [an alien spaceship crashes into his truck. opens the door with a shotgun in his hand, he surveys the wreckage] Figures. [begins to walk over to the wreckage] Beatrice: [comes out to see the wreckage] What the heck is it, Edgar? Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house! Bug: [unseen] Place projectile weapon on the ground. Edgar: You can have my gun... [cocks it] ...when you pry it from my cold dead fingers. Bug: Your proposal is acceptable. Beatrice

Dialogue

Inspector: Why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events? James: Well, sir, some of the other officers are a little soggy around the midsection. I guess that's why they weren't able to keep up. Sergeant: Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am - James: What the hell are you talkin' about? I am half the man that you are.

Dialogue

Zed: Edwards, what the hell happened?! James: Hesitated. Zed: [brings forward a cardboard cutout of a little girl, shot between the eyes] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? James: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion? James: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hangin' from the streetlight, and then I realized, you know, he's just workin' out. How would I feel if somebody come runnin' into the gym, bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this, uh, snarling beast guy...and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and I'm realizing, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. You know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinkin', you know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters this time of night, with quantum physics books? She 'bout to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old. Those books are way too advanced for her. If you

Dialogue

Agent K: Where are you going? James: Yo. Hey, man, what the hell is all this? Agent K: Back in the mid-1950s, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. James: [noticing a picture of K giving an alien flowers] Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers. Agent K: [points] This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see the movie Casablanca? [James nods] Same thing, except no Nazis. James: Oh. Agent K: We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing. James: [looking at the picture] Uh-huh. So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair w

Dialogue

Agent K: All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time, there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough; they're just trying to make a living. James: Cab drivers. Agent K: No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things. James: But why? Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. Agent K: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow. James: What's the catch? Agent K: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll gi

Dialogue

James: All right. I'm in, because there's some next-level shit goin’ on around here, and I'm with that. But before you get to beamin' me up, there's a couple of things I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills, and I don't want nobody callin' me "son" or "kid" or "sport" or nothin' like that. Cool? Agent K: Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your "skills". [they enter MIB headquarters] As of right now, they mean precisely...dick.

Dialogue

James: Hey, uh, what--what branch of the government do we report to? Agent K: Well, none. They ask too many questions. James: So who pays for all this? Agent K: We hold the patents on a few gadgets that we confiscated from out-of-state visitors, um...Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction... [shows James a tiny disc] This is a fascinating little gadget. It's going to replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the White Album again. [points out another device] Oh, that is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why. Agent K: Human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. [turns it off] That kinda makes you proud, doesn't it, huh?

Dialogue

Zed: Edwards! Let's put it on. James: Put what on? Zed: The last suit you'll ever wear.

Dialogue

Agent J: These are the hot sheets!? Agent K: Best investigative reporting on the planet. Go ahead, read The New York Times if you want to. They get lucky sometimes. [pays vendor] Thanks, Manny. Agent J: Cannot believe you lookin' for tips in the supermarket tabloids! Agent K: Not looking for. [tosses one onto car hood, with headline: "Terrified Farm Wife Says: 'Alien Stole My Husband's Skin'] Found.

Dialogue

Agent K: [neuralyzing Beatrice after she tells them her story] Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus. Agent J: Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one? Agent K: A standard issue Neuralyzer. Agent J: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with? Agent K: Yeah. [to Beatrice] On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off. Agent J: Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, you kicked him out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator t

Dialogue

Gentle Rosenberg: Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible. Arquillian: Your Majesty, you are in grave danger. Gentle Rosenberg: Yeah, and they overcharge you every time. Arquillian: Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet. Gentle Rosenberg: A bug? He must know why I'm here. Arquillian: We think he does. [glances at a small container] Is that what I think it is? Gentle Rosenberg: No, just some diamonds for your children. Do we have time to eat? Arquillian: Sure. I ordered you some pierogi. [Rosenberg is delighted] Chef: Six is up! [looks confused] Where is Ivan? Edgar/Bug: Gave him a break. Arquillian: [raising his glass] To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire. Gentle Rosenberg: To the safety of the Galaxy. Gentle Rosenberg: [in English] You can kill us both, but you will not find the Galaxy. Edgar/Bug: You're right about one thing.

Dialogue

Police Officer: Where do you want contestant number three? Dr. Laurel Weaver: Just leave it there. What's with the cat? Police Officer: Oh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here. Dr. Laurel Weaver: [signs the paperwork] What's the problem with the cat? Police Officer: It's your problem. [chuckles as he leaves] Dr. Laurel Weaver: I hate the living. [begins pushing the stretcher] Shall we?

Dialogue

Dr. Laurel Weaver: Look at this. Agent J: What the hell was that? Alien Rosenberg: [struggling to speak] Must.....To Prevent.....Contest. Agent J: It's okay. What are you tryna say? Alien Rosenberg: Prevent. Agent J: Prevent. Struggle? Alien Rosenberg: [shaking his head] No...To Prevent. Dr. Laurel Weaver: War? Alien Rosenberg: [nodding his head up and down slowly] War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word? Agent J: Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt? Agent J: "To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's belt." What the hell does that mean? [to K] Dr., uh...Whatever, come here. Dr. Laurel Weaver: Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you? Agent K: Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family. Dr. Laurel Weaver: I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.

Dialogue

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [still disoriented from being neuralyzed] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue. Agent K: Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. [neuralyzes her again] Agent J: [before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer] Would you stop that?! Agent K: What?! Agent J: That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'! Agent K: Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute. Agent J: "Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?! Agent K: Couple. Agent J: So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage? Agent K: A little. Agent J: K, have you ever flashy-thinged me? Agent K: No. Agent J: I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?! Agent K: No.

Dialogue

Agent J: Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one? Agent K: What? Agent J: Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat; it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin' your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor; she don't need you flashin' away half her med school classes. Five minutes. Agent K: Two minutes.

Dialogue

Agent K: Freeze it, Bug! Agent J: Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Dr. Laurel Weaver: Christ, you are thick! Agent J: Look, how was I supposed to know?! Dr. Laurel Weaver: What did I have to do, sing it for you?! Agent J: Well, if you weren't comin' on like some drunken prom date...! Dr. Laurel Weaver: Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...! Edgar/Bug: Oh, everybody shut up! Agent K: Let her go, shiteater. Edgar/Bug: Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?! Agent K: You're breakin' my heart. Show me your face, and I'll cure all your ills. Edgar/Bug: You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?! Agent K: How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office? Edgar/Bug: Put your weapons down! Agent K: Never gonna happen, insect. Agent J: It's oka

Dialogue

Agent J: [K has popped in an 8-track of Elvis' "Promised Land"] You do know Elvis is dead, right? Agent K: No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home.

Dialogue

Dr. Laurel Weaver: [Edgar/Bug is carrying Laurel on his shoulder as he climbs the ladder to one of the ships at the World's Fair fairgrounds] You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even! There are those who worship me! I'm not telling you this to try to impress you; I'm just letting you know, it could start a war! Edgar/Bug: Good, war! That means more food for my family, all seventy-eight million of 'em. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness. Dr. Laurel Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here!

Dialogue

Agent J: [after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship] Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? [the Bug turns toward J with a enraged snarl] Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? [points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it] Y'know y'all look alike. [enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him] Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? [squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger] See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. [Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J] My attitude is: don't start nuttin', won't be nuttin’! [crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger] You need to ease up out my face 'fore somethin' bad happen to you. [K loads up his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles] Too late. Agent K: [calling headquarters] Zed, call the A

Dialogue

Agent J: K, um, look. I know we got these rules and everything, but I was thinkin'. She did help us bust that Bug; maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her. [K pulls out the neuralyzer] K, come on, man. What - who's she gon' tell? She hang out with all dead people. Agent K: It's not for her. It's for me. Agent J: What? Agent K: [looking up at the sky] They're beautiful, aren't they? Stars. You know, I never look at them anymore, but they actually are quite, um...beautiful. Agent J: Uh, K, you're frightening your partner. Agent K: I haven't been training a partner; I've been training a replacement. Agent J: Wait a minute, K. I cannot do this job by myself. Dr. Laurel Weaver: Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island. Agent K: [pointing out neuralyzer controls to J] Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. [hands it to J] Agent J: K... Agent K: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach, kid. That's one of a hundred memories t

Dialogue

Agent L: Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game. Agent J: All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. [hands L her hot dog] Agent L: Rodman? You're kidding. Agent J: Nope. Agent L: Not much of a disguise.