Quotes

Siege of Terror [1.01]

Detective: George Mastin. He used to make obscene phone calls. Mastin: That was a long time ago! Detective: Then his phone bill got too big, so he started putting his money into property. Det. Bobby Crocker: That right, Georgie? Mastin: I own a few buildings...

Siege of Terror [1.01]

Jack Murzie: [taunting one of the hostages] You in the army? Crew Cut Hostage: No... I always wanted to be. They turned me down. Jack Murzie: [snickers] Why is that? Crew Cut Hostage: Emotional instability. Mike Amazeen: Hey Murzie, that makes two of you. Jack Murzie: That ain't funny. Mike Amazeen: You're absolutely right, that ain't funny.

Siege of Terror [1.01]

Calvelli: Any chance of getting outta here? Lt. Theo Kojak: Sure. Calvelli: Yeah, and the devil serves lemonade, right?

Siege of Terror [1.01]

Lt. Theo Kojak: [Officer Calvelli has been shot] I'm gonna try and get a doctor in. Calvelli: Oh, geez, it hurts. Lt. Theo Kojak: Now you start to worry when it stops hurting.

Siege of Terror [1.01]

Jack Murzie: That's your goof, Kojak! I warned you: the first bullet's got your name on it. Lt. Theo Kojak: I told you we needed more time. Jack Murzie: Pass me a hankerchief, I cry easy.

Web of Death [1.02]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Absolutely no way the killer could've gotten past you? Ingram: Not through the front lobby, no, sir. Seven p.m to seven a.m. nobody enters or exits that I don't okay. Tradespeople, tenants, guests, everybody logs in and out. Everybody. Lt. Theo Kojak: Seven to seven and no relief. You must have cement kidneys.

Web of Death [1.02]

Detective Nick Ferro: [invites Kojak back home for a drink] Retsina okay? Lt. Theo Kojak: Retsina? You gotta be kidding. You're actually holding? Detective Nick Ferro: It's not exactly in big demand. Five years and I still have the same bottle you gave us for our housewarming. It doesn't spoil, does it? Lt. Theo Kojak: [smiles] Spoil? You buy it rotten. You could drop a dead cat into it, it wouldn't make any difference.

Web of Death [1.02]

Bartender: You know, a funny thing: some joker was in here a couple of weeks ago asking about the same blonde. Lt. Theo Kojak: Can you describe him? Bartender: [blows through his teeth] Hey, women I remember, dad, but, eh, men? Well they're, eh, they're just like suits and ties to me, you know?

Web of Death [1.02]

What's the point? Where would you go? If the subway went to Outer Mongolia, I'd still come after you.

Web of Death [1.02]

Detective Nick Ferro: Well then, eh, Bridges is our boy? Lt. Theo Kojak: [sarcastic chuckle] Well he can't be in two places at once, can he? And one place we know he was when Forsyth was being killed, was in the Tombs, sweating out a B and E. But the gun wasn't at the tombs. And a piece doesn't care who uses it.

One for the Morgue [1.03]

Mitch: Hey man, you know where it's at. I finger Tomasso, I'm a dead man in 24 hours. Lt. Theo Kojak: What are you talking about? We'll give you protection. Mitch: Ain't no such thing. That cat would get me if I was dead and buried in the ground.

One for the Morgue [1.03]

Make it one for the hospital... and one for the morgue.

One for the Morgue [1.03]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Here, get your hat and coat. We just got a break. Det. Bobby Crocker: An arm or a leg? Lt. Theo Kojak: A neck: Cleveland's.

One for the Morgue [1.03]

Come on, hug the wall like it's your mother.

One for the Morgue [1.03]

Ferret Face: Ah, come on. You keep breaking us left and right and I ain't heard nothing on Tomasso. Lt. Theo Kojak: Well maybe's he's clean. Ferret Face: Maybe the pope smokes grass.

Knockover [1.04]

[having gotten a description from a tipsy couple] The killer was a tall, short guy. Somewhere between a 110 and 250 pounds. One eye brown, one blue and the third one green.

Knockover [1.04]

Joannie Garrity: Where'd the dress come from? Lt. Theo Kojak: Property. It was evidence in a wife-beating case. I don't know if she wouldn't put it on or wouldn't take it off. Women are funny.

Knockover [1.04]

It'll be morning in an hour. Before that, one of you is gonna start chirping. Did I say one of you? I'm gonna have a room full of canaries.

Knockover [1.04]

Lt. Theo Kojak: [holding a photograph of Leona and a man hiding behind a menu] Look at the john. He's being so bashful. I wonder why? Terminal acne, maybe? Capt. Frank McNeil: [takes the photograph] Well, married men are sometimes camera-shy, have you noticed? Lt. Theo Kojak: Frequently. Can you make out the name on the menu? Capt. Frank McNeil: No, but then I can't even read the top line on an eye chart anymore. Lt. Theo Kojak: Tell me about it.

Knockover [1.04]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Como estais, amigo? Como estais? Det. Gomez: Muy bien. That's pretty good, lieutenant. You know, what you ought to do is get yourself a nice Spanish-speaking girl. It'll help you with the important words. Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey, take it from me, sonny, for the important things you don't need words.

Girl in the River [1.05]

[to Crocker] Hey look, I know you haven't slept in a couple of nights, okay, but you stick with it. We gotta get this jellybean off the streets before he empties them.

Girl in the River [1.05]

Detective 'Chic' Chiccaloni: Tell me about this man that threatened you. Eloise: Oh, he didn't threaten me, Eric just over-reacted. Eric: No, he threatened! I heard. That was a bona fide death threat! Eloise: Well, you could say he technically threatened me, but actually, he's a very gentle man. A vegetarian. Eric: You're too trusting, Eloise. she's too trusting. A vegetarian, okay, but so is a gorilla!

Girl in the River [1.05]

Eric: I can't call Eloise off a massage. A massage is like music, you know? You get it going, you gotta keep it going. Detective 'Chic' Chiccaloni: You keep it going while I talk to her, okay?

Girl in the River [1.05]

Lt. Theo Kojak: You know, any man that can put so much violence and sex into a piece of stone, he doesn't have to violate flesh. He gets his kicks with his hammer and chisel. Capt. Frank McNeil: The Commissioner's gonna violate you with a hammer and chisel if we don't tie a can on this.

Girl in the River [1.05]

[the Excalibur killer has been caught, but Kojak thinks he's a phony] Oh, you didn't see him, Mac. He looked like yesterday's newspaper puy in a garbage can and thrown away. The only way a guy like that can get into a singles bar is with a cannon.

Requiem for a Cop [1.06]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Broen, come on. You'd bust your mother's arm in three places if she lost a subway token. Broen: Your jokes are getting stale, Kojak. You need a fall guy. Don't go poking in my garbage. I'm alibied. Lt. Theo Kojak: I know, you were out dedicating an orphanage, right?

Requiem for a Cop [1.06]

Det. Stavros: Wait a minute, Lieutenant, what is this? I'm not Donnelly's partner, Alessi is. Lt. Theo Kojak: The hell you're not! When one man in this precinct comes under suspicion, the entire unit becomes Donnelly's partner. Now look, we got two days to polish his badge and ours. Because on Wednesday, the Internal Affairs shooflies, they're gonna be all over us like a groom on a honeymoon. And let me tell you something: we all better be virgins or have a pretty good story.

Requiem for a Cop [1.06]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Close the door. I want a tail put on Geno. I want to know who he talks to; I want to know where he goes; I want to know where he is every minute. The same kind of surveillance you give any other homicide suspect. Sgt. Al Vine: Theo, not Geno. I mean, you can't possibly believe... Lt. Theo Kojak: Do you think I want to believe it? But if Donnelly wasn't on the pad, then somebody set him up. And right now, I've got a very narrow field to pick from.

Requiem for a Cop [1.06]

Lt. Theo Kojak: I want the tax returns and bank statements on Donnelly for the past two years. Det. Bobby Crocker: Lieutenant, it's Sunday. Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, you make believe it's Friday! And have somebody at the bank agree with you. Det. Bobby Crocker: Right on.

Requiem for a Cop [1.06]

[to Geno] Well, you and Tom Donnelly have been partners for 12 years. I mean he'd eat a knish and you'd get heartburn.

The Corrupter [1.07]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Go on, up against the wall. All of you. Lt. Theo Kojak: In, eh, including you, Fumbles. Go. McGregor: Me? Why? Lt. Theo Kojak: Because you got dishpan hands. Move!

The Corrupter [1.07]

I say it now like I said before: A six makes me money and a eight makes me more.

The Corrupter [1.07]

There's a patrolman bringing in, eh, the stone cutter they fired. The guy's a lush alright, you get bombed just reading his yellow sheet!

The Corrupter [1.07]

You know Bannerman really does save string? There's a whole ball of it in his desk. Including every report since Dutch Schultz.

The Corrupter [1.07]

Lt. Theo Kojak: It seems to me they had an observation report a couple of weeks ago on the... Lumpjaws, and a few of the other fences. Det. Bobby Crocker: It's probably in the round file. Nobody ever looks there. Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, ask Bannerman, he saves string.

Dark Sunday [1.08]

Capt. Frank McNeil: When I was in school my grandmother died six times; always during the World Series. Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh yeah? We all had the same grandmother.

Dark Sunday [1.08]

Det. Bobby Crocker: Hey, what's with the lollypops? Lt. Theo Kojak: I'm looking to close the generation gap. Get outa here!

Dark Sunday [1.08]

There's sweat on you. That's fear and weakness. You can drown in that stuff, Ray.

Dark Sunday [1.08]

Valano: I got a cousin on the force in Denver. He says stakeout's his favorite duty. Stavros: I think retirement's mine.

Dark Sunday [1.08]

Lt. Theo Kojak: I give you this week's mystery map. You solve the riddle, you win a two-week trip to, eh, well, where do you wanna go? Capt. Frank McNeil: Home! Lt. Theo Kojak: Hm-hm. Why do I always yawn on Saturdays?

Conspiracy of Fear [1.09]

Waiter: Good evening, do you have an invitation? Lt. Theo Kojak: [smiles] Oh, Fast Feeney. You've lost a lot of weight. Waiter: Why don't you send yourself up, Kojak? You could use a Sing Sing slimming. Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] Well, you're gonna get five more years for that.

Conspiracy of Fear [1.09]

Whitney Farrow: What was that all about? Paul Merchison: A detective lieutenant bucking for captain's bars. He won't be back. Whitney Farrow: [scoffs] I seem to remember someone saying that about Napoleon.

Conspiracy of Fear [1.09]

[on phone] You know who's his own man? Hm? Nobody. Now let's face it, who wants to be a nobody?

Conspiracy of Fear [1.09]

Capt. Frank McNeil: Where do you get the 14-carat chutzpah to talk to an elected official like that, and in front of a dozen witnesses? Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey look, Mac, uh, I'm onto something... Capt. Frank McNeil: Oh, you're onto something? You'll be into men's ready-wear if Murchison has his way.

Conspiracy of Fear [1.09]

Fowler: Lieutenant, line two. Lt. Theo Kojak: I told you not to interrupt me unless it was important. Is it a broad?

Conspiracy of Fear [1.09]

Whitney Farrow: [on phone] That's all I have to do? Duh... set it up? Victor Marchette: No, that's not all you have to do! You got to be there when he shows! Whitney Farrow: [increasingly nervous] Be there when they kill him? Victor Marchette: If it bothers you that much, don't watch.

Cop in a Cage [1.10]

Now you listen good, yo-yo. Because I'm gonna tell you something for every cop that's ever had to live under a threat from a punk like you. You know, maybe sometime when you're an old man, you'll be thinking about getting out. Ah, don't think anything about getting even. I want you to think about me. Because, if by some remote possibility you get out, there's gonna be a little 150-year old man waiting for you. And that little old man will be me.

Cop in a Cage [1.10]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Now look, two things I want you to remember, kiddo. Number one: you're marrying my favorite niece. Eugene: Right. Lt. Theo Kojak: And number two: my favorite niece's favorite uncle is a cop. Eugene: Hey, I won't forget that, sir. Lt. Theo Kojak: Yeah, 'sir'. You can cool the 'sir', because next week at this time, you'll be crying uncle. Get used to it, 'cause that's what you'll be calling me.

Cop in a Cage [1.10]

[to Gloria] You stop talking to me like a john or I'll take my lollipop away.

Cop in a Cage [1.10]

[shouting at Ibbotson] We'll have you back inside so fast, your underwear will have to take the next train!

Cop in a Cage [1.10]

Sophie: [on phone] Theo? This is Sophie. Yeah, the nerve-wracked mother. Lt. Theo Kojak: Yeah Sophie, what is it? Sophie: What it is, is a rehearsal in an hour. You coming? Lt. Theo Kojak: This afternoon? Hey look, if they can pretend they're getting married, can't they pretend I'm there?

Marker to a Dead Bookie [1.11]

Ruth Gardner: Theo, tell me something. in that little black book of yours, am I in ink or in pencil? Lt. Theo Kojak: God, I got you written in ink and underlined in blood.

Marker to a Dead Bookie [1.11]

And as for you, sonny, you go back to the Okefenokees and the alligators. You're not ready for the big time. I deal with Janis or I don't deal.

Marker to a Dead Bookie [1.11]

I'd go through the hell and pain of the last 19 years twice a day to nail a crud like Janis!

Marker to a Dead Bookie [1.11]

[after having a wire strapped to his chest] I got no hair left, I've had this tape on and off so many times this year.

Marker to a Dead Bookie [1.11]

[chuckles] When I was a kid on the East Side, we used to go fishing in the East river to see who could catch the ugliest thing. Look at me, I got first prize. I got me a dead East Side gorilla.

Marker to a Dead Bookie [1.11]

Lt. Theo Kojak: One for you and one for me. And one for you and one for me. One for you. One for me. You. Gil Weaver: Didn't I see the Marx Brothers do this once? Lt. Theo Kojak: What? With heroin?

Last Rites for a Dead Priest [1.12]

Clyde: Stones don't just turn into money, Gabe. Gabe: Oh no? Watch 'em.

Last Rites for a Dead Priest [1.12]

You know Chubby, he's a dynamite talker. He could sell aluminium siding to a steel foundry.

Last Rites for a Dead Priest [1.12]

Frank Mulvaney: Just to be on the safe side, is there anyone in the building you can trust? Gabe: The landlady. Yeah, she'd axe her own husband if Clyde gave her half a smile.

Last Rites for a Dead Priest [1.12]

[on phone] Is that a fact, Officer Berkowitz? Aha. Yeah, well, Officer Berkowitz, by all means, drop it by. No, no, no, no, I wanna sign for this little package myself. And what was that name again, Officer Berkowitz? Aha, got it. And, eh, thank you, Officer Berkowitz. Hm-hm. [hangs up] Who whould a - That was Officer Berkowitz.

Last Rites for a Dead Priest [1.12]

Vince: Hey, let me put it to you, Lieutenant. Do I look like the kind of a man who would keep company with a priest, huh? [snickers] Sgt. Al Vine: You'll be keeping company with the chaplain up at Sing-Sing for the next 20 or 30 years if you don't open up. Vince: On an armed robbery rap? [laughs in his face] Lt. Theo Kojak: [laughing as well] As an accessory to murder, coochy-coo.

Death Is Not a Passing Grade [1.13]

Det. Gomez: [a pen with Kojak's name on it is found at a crime scene] Did you drop it? Lt. Theo Kojak: [sarcastic] Yeah, but I can't remember whether I dropped it before or after I broke into the safe!

Death Is Not a Passing Grade [1.13]

Delta: You are a really patient man, you know. [kisses Kojak on the cheek] Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey eh, how come you talk so slow with your patient man and you kiss so fast? Delta: Oh, I don't always, do I?

Death Is Not a Passing Grade [1.13]

[to Delta] And besides, with that lavender nightgown I saw you buy last week, you don't need an education, you need protection.

Death Is Not a Passing Grade [1.13]

[about Caz] Okay, so now he's saying: he's smarter than you specifically. My own kid says it to me, flat out, right to my face. They want you to fight back, they seem to want that authority.

Death Is Not a Passing Grade [1.13]

Lt. Theo Kojak: If anybody asks you where you took me, you tell them. Cabbie: Right. Lt. Theo Kojak: Don't make it easy, have them pay you for it.

Die Before They Wake [1.14]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, that arm looks pretty clean to me. Cheryl Pope: [sighs] Yeah, but you've always got those little freckles to show that you had to fight with the monkey.

Die Before They Wake [1.14]

Spencer Galen: Of course, I can't keep track of all my investments. In fact, I'd forgotten that I'd agreed to finance a film. Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh, I see, two martinis, and someone talks you into making these, eh, French postcards that move, huh?

Die Before They Wake [1.14]

Cheryl Pope: It's all over, isn't it, Lieutenant? Lt. Theo Kojak: It's never over. Oh, maybe we slow down the merry-go-round a little bit. But then some creep comes along and starts it all up again. Cheryl Pope: Then why bother? Lt. Theo Kojak: I don't know. Maybe some good kid gets a chance to jump off that slow merry-go-round?

Die Before They Wake [1.14]

Scientific breakthrough. I discovered how to get ice-cold tomato juice from a from a very warm tomato.

Deliver Us Some Evil [1.15]

Lt. Theo Kojak: What are you doing? Det. Stavros: T.L.C., eh, Tender Loving Care for my new plant. Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh. Well, could you put a little TLC into a list of every burglary in eh, in the last two years?

Deliver Us Some Evil [1.15]

[chuckles] You're trying to convince me that the story you're telling is not a beautifully engraved $3 bill.

Deliver Us Some Evil [1.15]

Kenny Soames: Hey, what's that squeaking, Wendell, you or the gate? Wendell: [laughing] It's the gate, you bum. I keep myself better oiled!

Deliver Us Some Evil [1.15]

[to Kenny] Here you are, the only thing in pants with two lonely women. [laughs]

Deliver Us Some Evil [1.15]

[apprehends thief] Shut off your motor. Haven't you heard of the energy crisis?

Eighteen Hours of Fear [1.16]

Det. Stavros: You want him picked up? Lt. Theo Kojak: Well, I'd prefer him six feet under, but I'd settle for a pickup.

Eighteen Hours of Fear [1.16]

Lt. Theo Kojak: We could save ourselves a plethora of surprises. Det. Bobby Crocker: What the hell is plethora? Lt. Theo Kojak: Follow me. We'll get a library card.

Eighteen Hours of Fear [1.16]

The killer's got a 20-minute head start on us. How many homicides do you need? And you wanna wait for Forensic?

Eighteen Hours of Fear [1.16]

[on phone] Well it's Monday night in California, too, isn't it? Nobody goes out in Encino on Monday night, especially my wife. On Tuesday mornings, it's her turn for the carpool.

Eighteen Hours of Fear [1.16]

When you stub your toe, you gotta expect some scuff makers, huh? She came to me out of fear. I went to her in loneliness. Looks like I got the best of the bargain, huh? I'm still alive.

Before the Devil Knows [1.17]

Ramsey Brewer: I rushed down, found my wife's missing jewelry. Vicky Brewer: The, eh, detective over there said we couldn't have it back. Gave me a receipt. I don't look very good in receipts.

Before the Devil Knows [1.17]

Hey, does Ginger Rogers fall over Fred Astaire's feet, huh? These two twinkle-toes could get up on the Goodyear Blimp in flight, get down without mussing any hair.

Before the Devil Knows [1.17]

John Hagen: [on phone] Anyway, it's night. That's better for you, right? Packman: It's never better, it's never worse for me. When I'm ready, it's perfect.

Before the Devil Knows [1.17]

Neil Packman. He's a machine, Crocker. You put the money in the slot, out comes the bodies. Cops, racketeers, husbands, wives, kids, he'll kill anything.

Before the Devil Knows [1.17]

[hands Crocker a used lollipop] Here, put this out some place.

Before the Devil Knows [1.17]

And then it's gonna be happily ever after, you know, 'once upon a time' like the fairy tales.

Dead on His Feet [1.18]

Lt. Theo Kojak: [dripping with sarcasm] Hey look, Deidre, I'm sorry I missed your coming out party. I hear you were crowned Miss Silicone, is that right? Solly DeChico: Hey, Kojak, did you come here to break in a nightclub act or was there something special you wanted? Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey, Counselor, you tell your client to have his mouth behave, or he's a prime candidate for a get-well card. Solly DeChico: [raises voice] He threatened me! You heard that, he threatened me! Lt. Theo Kojak: Greeks, they don't threaten. They utter prophecies.

Dead on His Feet [1.18]

Dr. Grimaldi: Do you want it straight? Detective Benny Furore: I don't want it at all. I'd give anything for a ten-foot pole I didn't have to touch it with. It's the big casino, isn't it? Dr. Grimaldi: Advanced stomach cancer. Malignant and inoperable.

Dead on His Feet [1.18]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Hey, Benny, if it wasn't for you, Eddie Ryan would've had as much razzle-dazzle as a wet firecracker. Detective Benny Furore: Is that what you think? Is that what you think Eddy Ryan was like? A grandstander? Well, let me tell you something: Eddie Ryan had more guts than anyone on this island. What do you think got him killed? Lt. Theo Kojak: Dumb got him killed. Dead is not guts. Dead is dumb.

Dead on His Feet [1.18]

Eddie Ryan: Flora was asking for you. She wants to know how come she hasn't seen you anymore in the deli. Detective Benny Furore: Oh yeah? Well next time you see her tell her I'm on bivouac with a gorilla.

Dead on His Feet [1.18]

In the alley you couldn't see anything. And the alley was so dark you couldn't find your mouth with a $5 pizza.

Down a Long and Lonely River [1.19]

Hey look, kid, I'm gonna talk to you like a father. [laughs] And I never even put my arms around your mother.

Down a Long and Lonely River [1.19]

Alan Ankrum: Well, he knows something about a gun with a filed-down firing pin, the gun that, eh, Elena threatened to kill herself with. Did you give her that gun, Dancik? Albert Dancik: A gun that doesn't shoot? That's a toy. I gave her a lot of toys, Alan.

Down a Long and Lonely River [1.19]

You tell these G-men that they're obstructing justice and I want DeLuca down here! Otherwise, I'll bust these Feds for their funny haircuts!

Mojo [1.20]

Lt. Theo Kojak: You know why you're here, Marty? Marty: Yeah. Sometimes I black out. Lt. Theo Kojak: You OD'd, baby!

Mojo [1.20]

Yeah, mojo, morphine, Mephistopheles, pins and needles, eeh... cubes, Aunt Emma. There are a dozen street names for it.

Mojo [1.20]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Look, a stick-up man is a stick-up man. A robber is a robber, and a hijacker is a hijacker. That's what they do: the rob, they steal and they hijack. They don't peddle morphine on the streets! Capt. Frank McNeil: Maybe they sold the whole load, split. Maybe the idea of sending in a chemist spooked them. Lt. Theo Kojak: And maybe they give away door prizes at the tombs.

Mojo [1.20]

Lt. Theo Kojak: I see you got a new plant. Det. Stavros: Yeah. Shirley's lonely. Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh really? Eh, tell me, how could you tell? Det. Stavros: Well, her leaves are drooping down. And, eh, she's not her same gay, vibrant, effervescent, ebullient self. Lt. Theo Kojak: Ebullient self, huh? Well, she might have, eh, heartburn. Did you ever think of that? Det. Stavros: That's why I got Sam.

Mojo [1.20]

[on phone] Well you gotta be fresh out of marbles. 'Cause already I got a beanbag sitting in the narco ward that's gonna crumble like a bacon powder biscuit the moment the fuzz jumps on 'em. And now you're asking me to sit still for a visit from the heat?

Mojo [1.20]

[to Kojak] You do what you gotta do. But you ain't gonna bust me up like some kinda cheap watch. You can bust my jaws if you want, that's your thing, but all you're going to get's a whole lot of ouches.

Therapy in Dynamite [1.21]

Carla Elliot: [about her brand new Minnie Mouse watch] Look at that: her two little hands are sticking straight down. Alex Linden: Like a watch. Carla Elliot: Just like a watch. Or else she's standing on her fingertips.

Therapy in Dynamite [1.21]

Well don't give me that fishy look, Doctor. You just got a nicer job than we do!

Therapy in Dynamite [1.21]

Alex Linden: I'm not going to, eh, lose you, am I? Carla Elliot: [smiles] I'm not an account, honey, I'm a woman.

Therapy in Dynamite [1.21]

Carla Elliot: Candlelight, incense and after-diner drinks. I feel like a female Hugh Hefner. Alex Linden: All right, Miss Hefner, why don't you just, eh, put this in your pipe and eh... [hands her an envelope] Carla Elliot: Smoke it? Alex Linden: Right on.

The Only Way Out [1.22]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Does your pop have a secretary? David Hecht: Yeah, he talks about her almost every night. Lt. Theo Kojak: Oh yeah? What does he say? David Hecht: That dumb Miss Rosenberg, I wish I had the guts to fire her.

The Only Way Out [1.22]

You were hired to take care of an emergency in case it arose, not to create one to give yourself something to do.

The Only Way Out [1.22]

[to Stavros] I have the worst luck with plants, you know, even plastic ones commit suicide on me.

The Only Way Out [1.22]

Lt. Theo Kojak: Eh, how'd you like to take a ride in a police car, David? Come on, I'll drop you off at school. David Hecht: On Saturday? Lt. Theo Kojak: You got me.

The Only Way Out [1.22]

Simon Hecht: But somebody out there will be looking for me. Roy Benson: They looked for Hitler for years, too, Mr. Hecht. They gonna find you any faster?

The Chinatown Murders: Part 1 [2.01]

Mrs. Giancana: [after Kojak accused her husband of being involved in loan sharking] Excuse me Lieutenant, I hope I'm mistaken. Surely you aren't suggesting that my husband is a usurer? Lt. Theo Kojak: Mrs. Giancana, I'd rather take up basket weaving. Mrs. Giancana: Louis Giancana is a respected and respectable furniture manufacturer. He's also a fund raiser for over a dozen charities, a devout Church goer and a father. He's also veteran of the Korean War with a Good Conduct Medal and a 10% disability pension. And you would malign a man like that with your shabby innuendoes! Lt. Theo Kojak: [Sarcastically] Me? A soldier with a Good Conduct Medal? Never!

Hush Now, Don't You Die [2.03]

The first police department was opened to protect women and here it is 25,000 years later and we can't even do that.

Hush Now, Don't You Die [2.03]

Mr. Conforti, you killing John Campbell is not going to put 'Home Sweet Home' back on the wall, you know that, don't you? And doesn't Janet have enough already to forget?

Hush Now, Don't You Die [2.03]

What can I tell you? I mean, nobody says the law is perfect, but it beats whatever the hell's in second place.

Slay Ride [2.06]

Lt. Theo Kojak: [while talking about the first death] Yeah, the usual not-so-hot-time-in-the-old-town-tonight. What time did he go off? Det. Stavros: According to the medical examiner the time of the subject's death was between one and two A.M. in the morning. Constant use of alcohol is indicated by hyperemia and irritative elements in the digestive tract mucosa. Lt. Theo Kojak: You're kidding. Det. Stavros: Blood sugar concentration at the time of decease was 35 per cent. Lt. Theo Kojak: 35 per cent? Where's the decimal point? Det. Stavros: Right here in front of the "3". Lt. Theo Kojak: In front of the three? [to Crocker] Would you tell him what the difference between 35 per cent is and point thirty five, oh, forget about it.

Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die [2.13]

Well, you see, Captain, not every suspect is a villain, and, on the other hand, not every witness is a hero, as offered up by that great Greek philosopher, Larry Csonka.

Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die [2.13]

Here. try one of these. [Hands Dr. Kirk a lollipop] You're a nervous wreck.

Loser Takes All [2.15]

Capt. Frank McNeil: And what the hell, might I ask, are you doing here? Lt. Theo Kojak: C'mon, will ya Frank. You think I'd be here if the police surgeon didn't think I was all right? Capt. Frank McNeil: You were shot, Theo. Lt. Theo Kojak: [chuckles] My hero. C'mon, I've hurt myself worse opening a can of soup.

Acts of Desperate Men [2.17]

Sam Corso: The cops would have got this, we'd have been down the tubes. He had names, dates, everything. Handleman: Forget the cops. If that crazy kid had've snatched the letter from me, you know it, we'd both be waiting for his next shot.