Quotes

Dialogue

Sonny: ...Hello? Lenny: Sonny? It's your dad. Were you asleep? Sonny: Oh, hey, man, I was - I was exercising. Lenny: Bullshit. You were sleeping. Sonny: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Lenny: [to someone near him] This kid won't stop lying to me. [to Sonny] You still act like you're 6! Sonny: Oh yeah, okay, dad. I act like I'm 6. Lenny: Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week? Sonny: Uh...I've been looking. Lenny: Looking doesn't pay the rent, kid. Sonny: Hey, all the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax. Lenny: Well, don't blow it all on worthless crap. Sonny: I won't! Lenny: You know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam. Sonny: You're the lawyer in the family; I ain't taking a damn bar exam. I got too much other shit going on in my life. Lenny: I don't know what the hell happened to you. Sonny: Okay. Lenny: Anyway, how are things going with your girlfriend? What's her name? Vanessa? Sonny: Things are going fine. Vanes

Dialogue

Everyone: SURPRISE!!! Corrine: Shh. Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny. Sonny: Yeah, "it's only me, it's only me". [walks over to Tommy, Phil and Mikey] What's going on? Phil: Corrine's throwing a surprise going away party for Kevin. Sonny: Why didn't she tell me about it? The roommate has a right to know. Phil: Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise. Sonny: No I wouldn't. Man at party: Hey, surprise! Everyone: [unexcited] Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. Sonny: Surprise. Kevin: [confused] What's going on? Corrine: [walks to the front of the party and realizes the surprise didn't work; to Sonny] We wasted the good surprise on you! Sonny: [chuckling] Alright. Kevin: [to Sonny] This your handiwork? Sonny: I guess. Kevin: See you in three hours.

Dialogue

Kevin: [trying console Corrine who has locked herself in the bathroom] Honey, it was a great surprise! I was totally shocked! Corrine: [from inside] No you weren't! And I worked so hard on it! Layla: [walks over; to Kevin] Need some help? Kevin: [to Corrine] Honey, your sister’s here! Layla: [to Corrine] Hey, sweetie. Corrine: [from inside] I hate Sonny!

Dialogue

Phil: [discussing a case of his to Sonny, Mike, and Tommy] So, now my client's out $7 million, and all we can sue on is "breach of contract." Sonny: Maybe you can try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Phil: ...I gotta get back to the office, Sonny, you're the king! Mikey, pleasure. [to Tommy] I'll see you at home. Tommy: Alright. Phil: I'll walk you out. [leaves with Tommy, holding hands] Mike: I gotta admit, I’m still a little weirded out when they kiss. Sonny: Why? They're gay, that's what gay guys do. Mike: I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school. Sonny: They're still like our brothers, our very very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a clan meeting?

Dialogue

Tommy: [referring to Kevin and Corrine] That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought. Sonny: Yeah, look at his eyes, though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks. Kevin: [stands up in the middle of the party to make an announcement] Hey, excuse me! Everybody! I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. Or I guess I should say, [speaking Chinese and everyone laughs politely] I'm getting it. Uh, tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton & Mandel. Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet. Tommy: Prove it! [everyone else laughs but Mikey gives him a look] Just kidding. Kevin: But, uh, I am real glad you're all here tonight because I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do... Sonny: You're not proposing, are ya?! Kevin: Uh, yeah, pal, I am. Sonny: Well, think about it...ya know? Corrine: [annoyed] God, Sonny! Shut up! Kevin: [sits down with a sigh] Anyways. Will you? Corrine: [glares at Sonny,

Dialogue

Sonny: [walking down the steps from his bedroom] Where's Kevin? Corinne: Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you. Sonny: Why are you here then? Corinne: I'm cleaning because you're useless. Sonny: And then what? You're gonna go to your Hooters reunion? You guys sit around and talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most? Corinne: At least I can still fit my ass into my shorts, fatty. Sonny: [pulls a container of Chinese leftovers out of the fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this? Corinne: I don't know. Sonny: I'm eating it, then.

Dialogue

Sonny: What's this guy's name? Julian: Scuba Steve. Sonny: I like his flippers. Does he ever take them off? Julian: No. Sonny: How about when he goes bowling? They don't make him wear bowling shoes, let him wear the flippers? Julian: Yes. Sonny: Really? Nazo: I had a doll like that one time. But, my cat, he bite its head off. Julian: [confused] What kind of cat would do that? Nazo: [turning confrontational] You calling me a liar?! Sonny: Hey! Take it easy. Anyways, Monday Night Football's tonight, the Jets are playing. We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone. [to Nazo] You wannna come with us? Nazo: I have more deliveries on the bicycle. Sonny: Well, maybe you could finish that piece of turkey on your lip. [Nazo finds a piece of his turkey sandwich stuck to his lip and eats it; laughs] There ya go. Sonny: Yeah! Let's crank up the Styx! Mr. Hurley: No music during the game. Sonny: It’s halftime. Relax, Mr. Hurley. Mr. Hurley: God damn Jets. Waitress: [walks by and notices Julian] What are y

Dialogue

Cashier: Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you? Sonny: [to Julian] Okay, what do you want? Julian: Cheerios. Sonny: Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else? Julian: Lasagna. Sonny: Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? [to cashier] We'll take hotcakes and sausage- Cashier: Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast. Sonny: [looks at the clock on the wall] What are you talking about? We're, like, 4 seconds late. Cashier: No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30. Sonny: Aw, HORSESHIT!!! [Julian starts crying] No, no, no. Don't cry, I'm sorry. I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady. Customer: [sarcastically] Nice parenting. Sonny: [also sarcastic] Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? [throws the man's fries] Take a walk! [to Julian] Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? [Julian cries louder] WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!?! Homeless Man: Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin? Sonny: Brea

Dialogue

Sonny: How're you doing? Julian: How're you doing? Sonny: You like hockey? Julian: You like hockey? Sonny: This is a big important game. Julian: This is a big important game. Sonny: Cut the crap. Julian: Cut the crap. Sonny: I'm being serious, don't do that. Julian: I'm being serious, don't do that. Sonny: [very fast] How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? [Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him] Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up. [Julian continues bouncing] Hey, don't you take naps? Julian: Sometimes. Sonny: Well why don't you go take a nap? Julian: I'm too hungry to sleep. Sonny: You want some food? [Julian is later asleep on the table, covered in food. Sonny then sits up on his sofa] [whispering] Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.

Dialogue

Sonny: What's this? Julian: The Kangaroo Song. Sonny: All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay? Julian: But after my nap, I always watch The Kangaroo Song. Sonny: It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years. Julian: Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song! KANGAROO SONG! Sonny: ALL RIIIIIIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday! [puts on the Kangaroo Song, but he sees in the VHS is the man in the Kangaroo costume singing children's songs; Julian jumps up and down to the Kangaroo Song] I can't take this shit. Are you serious? [Julian continues jumping to the Kangaroo song; under his breath] Douchebag kangaroo. [after jumping around frantically to the Kangaroo song, Julian suddenly stops]/ What’s the matter, you all hopped out? [Julian suddenly throws up all the junk food he has been eating all over the floor] Oh. [covering Julian’s vomit with newspaper] I don’t know how to de

Dialogue

Sonny: What are you doing scratching so much? Julian: I have ecza, ecza.. Sonny: Eczema? Gross! Julian: How do I make it stop itching? Sonny: I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? [Julian smiles and nods] Yeah? [takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. [takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Here, give it a shot. [gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor] That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh? Corrine: [walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly] Hi, Sonny. [to Julian, more happy] Hi, Sonny's friend! Sonny: His name's Frankenstein. Corrine: Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me? Julian: [pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line] Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am. Sonny: [laughs] You don't gotta do that anymore. [notices Corrine's crop-top] Look at that! You gu

Dialogue

Sonny: Man, this Yoohoo is good. You know what else is good? Smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about? Jeff: I have a belly button. Sonny: You have a belly button? Well, we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum. Jared: What's rum? Sonny: You don't know what Rum is? Jared: Rumpelstiltskin? Sonny: [smiles] Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. [to Julian] Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

Dialogue

Layla: So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other? Sonny: Yeah. Layla: Is that strange for you? Sonny: No, I mean, nothing changed, really. They watch a different kind of porno now, but that’s it.

Dialogue

Julian: Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday. Sonny: Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win. Kevin: I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me. Sonny: Well, that's because you suck. Kevin: Oh, yeah, that's it. Sonny: Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times' sake, huh? C'mon! Julian: What's he talking about, Mommy? Corinne: [smiles knowingly to Sonny] NOTHING....

Dialogue

Sonny: [to a passing Hooters waitress] Hey, can we get some curly fries? [the waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...] Vanessa? Vanessa: ...Hi, Sonny. Sonny: You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? [Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. He looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them] Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan. Julian: Is that the guy with the old balls? Sonny: [laughs] Yeah, I guess it is. [Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away] Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww... [to Julian] Next time, don't say "balls". "Testicles", alright?