Quotes

Others

King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. [whispers] It's not insured... King Roland: I'm breathing! Air! AIR!!! Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet! Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy—MOLY!! Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck! Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles! Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow! Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again! Colonel Sandurz: Attention! This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command! Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol! Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it! Newsman: On a sad

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing! Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir. Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately. Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything. Dark Helmet: [slams down the phone and turns to Rico; stunned and angry] What? You went over my helmet?! Rico: Well, not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-m-more to the side. I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again. Never, ever! [Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring] Oh, shit! No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no! Please! Please! Please! No! No! N-not that! [clutches his throat thinking that Dark Helmet is going to choke him] Dark Helmet: [pulls his mask down] Yes. "That". [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's groin, instead of his neck]

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: Never mind, I'll do it myself. Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen? Colonel Sandurz: No, sir, we call it "Mr. Coffee". Care for some? Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that. Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do, sir. Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that! Crewmen: [covering their groins] Of course, we do, sir! Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it? Colonel Sandurz: Right here. [gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]

Dialogue

Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball. Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that? [back to Colonel Sandurz] Good! When will the princess be married? Colonel Sandurz: Within the hour, sir. Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. [chuckles as he sips coffee; his eyes bug out in pain and he spits it out, his helmet closing] Hot! Too hot!

Dialogue

Vinnie: Hello, Lone Starr. Lone Starr: Hello, Vinnie. What do you want? Vinnie: No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants. Lone Starr and Barf: Pizza the Hutt! Pizza the Hutt: [belches] Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke. Barf: That's Barf. Pizza the Hutt: Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money? Lone Starr: Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week. Pizza the Hutt: No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow. Lone Starr: A hundred thousand spacebucks? By tomorrow? Pizza the Hutt: A hundred thousand? [laughs derisively] No way! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh...one million spacebucks. Lone Starr: A million?! That's unfair! Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else. Barf: Or else what? Pizza the Hutt: Tell 'em, Vinnie. Vinnie: Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.

Dialogue

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir? President Skroob: [hesitates] I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? Commanderette Zircon: Oh, yes, sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful. President Skroob: All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell? It works on Star Trek.

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose. Princess Vespa: [from inside her Benz] What's happening?! Dot Matrix: It's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us! Princess Vespa: [realizing] Hey, I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich! [takes out her phone] Dot Matrix: What are you doing?! Princess Vespa: I'm calling my father! 1-800-Druidia. Dark Helmet: [lifts his helmet] Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it! Gunner: [lifts helmet, revealing he's cross-eyed] Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best! Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner? Major Asshole: I did, sir. [camera reveals that he's also cross-eyed] He's my cousin. Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Who is he? Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir. Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name? Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole. Dark Helmet: And his cousin? Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole. Dark Helmet: How many Assholes have

Dialogue

Radar Technician: Shit! [makes thinking noise; through PA, badly distorted, to Col. Sandurz] Sir! Colonel Sandurz: [as he and Dark Helmet look over] What is it? Radar Technician: [still through the PA] Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir? Sandurz: Well? Radar Technician: [still through the PA] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir! Sandurz: [grabs the microphone the technician was just using] You don't need that, private. We're right here. Now, what is it? Radar Technician: [Still through the PA] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir. Dark Helmet: [rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside; angrily] Now, what is it?! Radar Technician: [normally] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir! Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it? Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps. Dark Helmet: The what? Colonel Sandurz: The what? Dark Helmet: And the what? Radar Techician: You know, the bleeps... [makes radar-beeping noise]... the sweep

Dialogue

Vespa: Who are you? Barf: Barf! Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!

Dialogue

Lone Starr: Oh, great. That's just what we needed: a Druish princess. Barf: [[w:Fourth wall|[to audience] Funny. She doesn't look Druish.]]

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball soldier loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally! Soldier: [stands aside] Jawohl, Lord Helmet! Dark Helmet: [looks at him, then heads to the car] So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago. Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Sta-! [car's door slams on top of his helmet]

Dialogue

Colonel Sandurz: We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours. Dark Helmet: Good! Prepare to attack! Colonel Sandurz: Prepare to attack! Dark Helmet: On the count of 3. 1...2... [the Winnebago goes into hyperspace] Late! [lifts his mask] What happened?! Where are they?! Colonel Sandurz: I don't know, sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing! Dark Helmet: And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?! Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! Dark Helmet: Well, find them, catch them! Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! [turns on microphone] Prepare ship for light speed! Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow! Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow? Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to...ludicrous speed! Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if the ship can take it! Dark Helmet: [taunting] What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?! Chicken?! Colonel Sandurz: [voice breaks like a chicken] PREPARE SHIP-! [collect

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: Have you found them yet? Corporal: No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner. Dark Helmet: Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet] Colonel Sandurz: Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie. Corporal: Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein... Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please? Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir! Dark Helmet: [lifts helmet and whispers to Colonel Sandurz and himself quietly] How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it! Colonel Sandurz: Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing. Dark Helmet: There has? Colonel Sandurz: Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished! Dark Helmet: [doubtfully] Nah! Corp

Dialogue

Barf: Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP! Women and Mawgs first! AGHH! Dot Matrix: We'll have none of that, mister! [to Vespa] How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch? Vespa: Nothing happened. Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the Hell was that noise? Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

Dialogue

Lone Starr: Water. Water! Barf: [with tongue out] Water. Water! Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil! Vespa: Room service. Room service!

Dialogue

Lone Starr: But Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here? Yogurt: Merchandising. Barf: Merchandising? What's that? Yogurt: Merchandising! Come, I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door. [walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise] Heh-heh. Come! We put the picture's name on everything! [everyone is staring in amazement] Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book, [holds up a Transformers comic book] Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal! Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower! [fires a blast from flame thrower] Dinks: Ooohh! Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll; Me. [pulls the doll's string] Yogurt Doll: May the Schwartz be with you! Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.

Dialogue

Colonel Sandurz: Sir? Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers but uses it on Sandurz instead] What? Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal? Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No, you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it. [puts down bullhorn] Found anything yet?! Soldier: Nothing yet, sir! Dark Helmet: [shouting] How about you?! Soldier: Not a thing, sir! Dark Helmet: What about you guys?! Black soldier: [sarcastically] We ain't found shit!

Dialogue

Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring. Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful. Sandurz: But, sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too? Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dialogue

Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again? Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to. [imitating Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [imitating Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [imitating Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [imitating Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [imitating Lone Starr doll] Yes, it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [imitating Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [smacks Lone Starr doll with Dark Helmet doll, imitating Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh! [imitating Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [imitating Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over, imitating Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh! [imitating Helmet doll] And you, too! [knocks Dot doll over, imitating Dot doll] Aaargh! [imitating Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [imitating Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone! And yet, I find you strangely

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage! Skroob: What's the combination? Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5. Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look] Prepare Spaceball I for immediate departure! Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir. Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

Dialogue

Guard 1: Hey, what the Hell is that thing?! Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings! Guard 1: Jeez! Hey! You can't park here! Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you guys read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! Guard 1: That son of a-! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking! Guard 2: Yeah!

Dialogue

Guard 1: Hey! [camera shows he and Guard 2 are dressed only in boxers and undershirts, and sporting black eyes] Those are the guys that stole our uniforms! Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us, too!

Dialogue

Barf: Holy shit! Vespa: [blows smoke from gun barrel] How was that? Lone Starr: Not bad! Barf: Not bad, for a girl. Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo! Vespa: Let's blow this joint.

Dialogue

Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and 10,000 years of fresh air. Dark Helmet: [whispers to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last 100. Skroob: What was that?! Dark Helmet: Nothing!

Dialogue

Guard: [pause] What the Hell are you doin'? Lone Starr: The- Vulcan neck pinch? Guard: No, no, no, stupid. You got it much too high. It's down here, where the shoulder meets the neck. Lone Starr: Like [jabs into the correct place] this? Guard: Yeah! [collapses] Lone Starr: Thanks.

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: [appears] Not so fast, Lone Starr! Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [thinks about what he has just said, then approves it; whispers] Yeah. Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr. Lone Starr: What? Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. Lone Starr: [confused] What's that make us? Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die. [lights up his green Schwartzsaber, and Lone Starr lights up his orange Schwartzsaber] You have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. [he and Lone Starr look at their respective Schwartzsabers in a humorous way] Now, let's see how well you handle it.

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: [after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber] Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr] Lone Starr: What?!

Dialogue

Yogurt's voice: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz! Lone Starr: I can't. I lost the ring. Yougurt's voice: Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr! It's in you! Lone Starr: All right; I'll try! Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Dialogue

Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes. Skroob: What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris? Computer: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds. Skroob: You've got to stop it! Is there any way to stop it? Colonel Sandurz: I can't! It's irreversible! Skroob: Like my raincoat!

Dialogue

Dark Helmet: [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him] Hey-hey-hey, that's my escape pod, who are you?! Bearded Lady: I'm the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him and gets in the pod, laughing] Dark Helmet: Wait, come back! That's my pod! No! [the pod ejects] Come back, you fat-bearded bitch!

Dialogue

Computer: This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button. Skroob: "Cancellation button"?! Hurry! Dark Helmet: Where is it?! Where is it?! Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here! Colonel Sandurz: "Out of order"?! Dark Helmet: [angrily] Fuck! Even in the future, nothing works! Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [all three recoil in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6- Skroob: 6?! What happened to 7?! Computer: Just kidding! Princess Vespa: [to Lone Starr] There's the other end! Faster! Computer: [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror] 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [they all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day. Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob: [they open their eyes] Thank you. [they close their eyes again]

Dialogue

Man 1 in diner: So, we were lost, none of us knew where we were. And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees, and then he said, "I got it. We on Pluto." And we said, "Harry, how can you tell?" He said, "From the bark, you dummies!" [laughs] From the bark! Woman in diner: Is he all right? Man 1 in Diner: Yeah, yeah, this guy digs me. Hey, what's wrong with this guy? Man 2 in Diner: I don't know! Bring him some water! Man 1 in Diner: Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol! Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order? Waitress: Oh, he had the special. Barf: The s-[realizing] That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup! Lone Starr: Good move. Kane: [in horror] Oh, no! Not again! [dies] Chestburster: [Singing] Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my rag-time gal! Send me a kiss by wire; baby, my heart's on fire! If you refuse me, honey, you'll lose me! Then you'll be left alone oh, baby, telephone, and tell me I'm your own! [walks out the door](Note this dance nu

Dialogue

Lone Starr and Barf: Yogurt! Yogurt: Hello, boys! Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means? Well, here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate. Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen. Which makes you a certified prince. Lone Starr: [overjoyed] Hey, I'm a prince! I'm a prince! Which means- Yogurt: Which means if you hurry, there could be a princess in your future. Now if you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment. Good luck, boys. Barf: Bye, Yogurt! Lone Starr: And, Yogurt...thanks. Yogurt: You're welcome. [drawn out, gradually fading away] AND MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOOOOUUU!...aaa-eee-aaa-eee-ooo, what a world, what a world... [fades out]

Dialogue

Ape 1: Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose? Dark Helmet: [barely audible from that distance] Hey! Watch my helmet! Ape 2: Spaceballs?! Ape 1: [in disbelief and mock exasperation] Oh, shit! There goes the planet.

Dialogue

Priest: Who are you? Barf: I'm the best man. Priest: What's your name? Barf: Barf. Priest: Your full name! Barf: Barfolomew! Priest: Are you the one that's getting married? Barf: No. Priest: THEN GET OVER THERE! Okay, here we go. The short, short version! Do you? Lone Star: Yes. Priest: Do you? Princess Vespa: Yes! Priest: Good! You're married! Kiss her! Lone Starr: I love you. Vespa: I love you. Dot Matrix: Well, [sniffles] goodbye, Virgin Alarm.