Spaceballs

King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. [whispers] It's not insured... King Roland: I'm breathing! Air! AIR!!! Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet! Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy—MOLY!! Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck! Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles! Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow! Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again! Colonel Sandurz: Attention! This is Colonel Sandurz in forward command! Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol! Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it! Newsman: On a sad

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Dark Helmet: I can't breathe in this thing! Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir. Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately. Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything. Dark Helmet: [slams down the phone and turns to Rico; stunned and angry] What? You went over my helmet?! Rico: Well, not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-m-more to the side. I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again. Never, ever! [Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring] Oh, shit! No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no! Please! Please! Please! No! No! N-not that! [clutches his throat thinking that Dark Helmet is going to choke him] Dark Helmet: [pulls his mask down] Yes. "That". [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's groin, instead of his neck]

Spaceballs, CC BY-SA 4.0

Dark Helmet: Never mind, I'll do it myself. Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen? Colonel Sandurz: No, sir, we call it "Mr. Coffee". Care for some? Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that. Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do, sir. Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that! Crewmen: [covering their groins] Of course, we do, sir! Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it? Colonel Sandurz: Right here. [gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]

Spaceballs, CC BY-SA 4.0

Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball. Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that? [back to Colonel Sandurz] Good! When will the princess be married? Colonel Sandurz: Within the hour, sir. Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. [chuckles as he sips coffee; his eyes bug out in pain and he spits it out, his helmet closing] Hot! Too hot!

Spaceballs, CC BY-SA 4.0

Vinnie: Hello, Lone Starr. Lone Starr: Hello, Vinnie. What do you want? Vinnie: No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants. Lone Starr and Barf: Pizza the Hutt! Pizza the Hutt: [belches] Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke. Barf: That's Barf. Pizza the Hutt: Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money? Lone Starr: Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week. Pizza the Hutt: No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow. Lone Starr: A hundred thousand spacebucks? By tomorrow? Pizza the Hutt: A hundred thousand? [laughs derisively] No way! You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, uh...one million spacebucks. Lone Starr: A million?! That's unfair! Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else. Barf: Or else what? Pizza the Hutt: Tell 'em, Vinnie. Vinnie: Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.

Spaceballs, CC BY-SA 4.0

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir? President Skroob: [hesitates] I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe? Commanderette Zircon: Oh, yes, sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful. President Skroob: All right, I'll take a shot at it. What the hell? It works on Star Trek.

Spaceballs, CC BY-SA 4.0