Quotes

Demolition [1.1]

I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over people's heads. A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.

Demolition [1.1]

Rick: Neil, are these lentils South African?! Neil: Well, ummm... Rick: You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Why don't you just go out and become a policeman?! Become a pig?! There's no difference, you know! [burns hand on lentils] There's no difference, you know! You think there is, but there isn't! I suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie!

Demolition [1.1]

Rick: Neil... what are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil? Huh. Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables, how much does it cost, Neil? Neil: ... well actually, it's about £4.50 each. Rick & Mike: £4.50?! Rick: I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free! Rick: None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say! Vyvyan: That's because you're very boring! Rick: OH! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too. Vyvyan: Yes, they are. Rick: Ha! Fallen into my trap. In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers? Tell me that! Vyvyan: I've got a leg! Mike: Hey Vyvyan, that's not unusual. Vyvyan: No look! I'm supposed to write an essay on it, but I think I'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!

Demolition [1.1]

Rick: I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster! Vyvyan: OK, I'll change it, then! Hello, Cliff Richard! Rick: Bastard!

Demolition [1.1]

Special Patrol Group: I could murder a curry! [farts and flies across the basement] Vyvyan: Poor Special Patrol Group. Rick: What's poor about him? Vyvyan: It'll take ten weeks to starve another one.

Demolition [1.1]

[To Vyvyan] Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee!

Demolition [1.1]

Vyvyan: I thought you were dead! Neil: That's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!

Demolition [1.1]

Mike: I'll handle this. Rick: I'll handle this! Vyvyan: I'll handle this! Neil: I can't handle this.

Demolition [1.1]

Neil: What are you doing with my crucifix, Rick? Rick: Protesting! Neil: I don't wanna bring you down or anything, but I think that is a really negative way to try and kill yourself, I mean I tried it hundreds of times, there's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

Oil [1.2]

Rick: Bloody heck! Is this the new house? Neil: I think it's beautiful, Rick! Rick: Well I think it looks like a gigantic lavatory! Mike: It hasn't been razed to the ground. Vyvyan: We had a front door at the last house! Rick: Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room! Mike: Rick, it had to be done. Vyvyan: Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!

Oil [1.2]

Statue: More bloody students... Sunflower: Oh, put some clothes on.

Oil [1.2]

Vyvyan: Well now we can go to the rent tribunal. You don't have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavy! Rick: Really? Well you know what I think? I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!

Oil [1.2]

TV Set: And don't forget to unplug your set. Vyvyan: Why? TV Set: 'Cause it'll blow up you silly boy.

Oil [1.2]

Vyvyan: Got you, traitor! [Hits Rick in the crotch with the bat] Rick: Ha! Ha! Missed both my legs! [grimaces] Vyvyan: [smacks Rick in the head with the bat] Oh, shut up.

Oil [1.2]

Rick: [Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?! Mike: Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex. Rick: Bastard!

Oil [1.2]

Rick: Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco? Mike: Uncanny!

Oil [1.2]

Title Card: Underneath the Staircase: A Look at Everyday Life Beneath the Stairs Cloth: Oh dear me, ma'am. I know it's our job to look after the young gentlemen as best we can, but I can't help but feel Young Master Neil do treat us very rough sometimes. Brush: And so he should, young Lucy, for we love it. The complete negation of our personalities, the mind numbing servility, and the eighteen-hour day, and we expect no reward but a staircase over our heads. Polish Spray: Oh yes, the personal abuse is our lot. And the further back you go, the better it was! Brush: Now, everyone, the masters are coming downstairs to beat us. Not a peep out of you. Best behaviour, or you'll have me to answer to!

Oil [1.2]

Neil: Oh, sorry, Vyv. Vyvyan: [calmly] That's ok, Neil. It was bound to happen... sooner or later [faints].

Oil [1.2]

Mike: Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat. Mike: You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei? Mike: Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies. Vyvyan: [to audience] By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil.

Boring [1.3]

Rick:: What are you doing, Vyvyan? Vyvyan:: I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Rick:: Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan. Vyvyan: Why not? Rick: It's only nine words. Vyvyan: [writing] Corn...flakes! Rick:: [to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard? Suggs:: You 'um it, I'll smash your face in. Rick:: [taken aback] I'll go sit over there... Rick: Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV! Neil: Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"! Vyvyan's Mum: Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends? Vyvyan: Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called

Bomb [1.4]

Rick: Pollution, all around. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But always around. Pollution are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution, but we're both using petrol... bombs. Rick: Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodorant? There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine! Vyvyan: How d'you know? Rick: Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit.] Vyvyan: Not the ones on your bum you can't. Could be off your bum. Rick: Oh, and I suppose you think being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vyvyan? Well, it's not! Vyvyan: Look, it's probably a hamster hair. He was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over. S.P.G.: And was I consulted, pally? How d'you think I feel stinking like a student's armpit? Rick: It's stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, and if you ever touch it again, EVER, I'm going to the police. I will, you know. I w

Interesting [1.5]

Rick: Ok! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? [No-one is paying attention] Ok! [The song plays quietly. Two policemen run in and smash the record player] Policeman 1: Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining! You just watch your step sonny! Dr. Jim Morrison: Wow, what is this? Tobacco or... Pink Floyd? Rick: That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich. Anarchist: Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon. Rick: Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em? Anarchist: I mean a police car, you terminal wally! Rick: [trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing? Vyvyan: [pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl! Rick: [laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you

Flood [1.6]

God, I'm bored. Might as well be listening to Genesis.

Flood [1.6]

Neil: It was getting really hot. Then I thought, oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed. Vyvyan: Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom. Neil: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there, you could have given me away!

Flood [1.6]

Rick: Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels! Vyvyan: Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it? Rick: Yes. Vyvyan: [mock sympathy] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry Rick, I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!

Flood [1.6]

Vyvyan: My potion! My potion as well. Neil: What potion? Vyvyan: It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous! Neil: [Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it? Vyvyan: Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident! Neil: [with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! Rick: Yes, I bet that too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]

Flood [1.6]

Vyvyan: What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?! Rick: If he's anything like you, YES! Did you take it, Mike? Mike: Well, if you're gonna sin you might as well be original. Rick: What's that supposed to mean? Mike: I don't know.

Flood [1.6]

Witch: Come, sit next to me, child. [Vyvyan sits on the sled.] Have some Turkish Delight. Eurgh! Who's farted? Vyvyan: It's not me! Shirley: That's revolting! That's revolting! People like you should be put in little boxes tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with out any electricity! Vyvyan: Who says? Shirley: For a month! Vyvyan: Who says?! Shirley: [weakly] She does. Witch: I did not! That's a lie, Shirley! Vyvyan: 'Shirley'? Is that your name, then? 'Shirley'? Shirley: It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot! Vyvyan: Oh, yeah? 'Shirley'! Witch: Oh, would you two shut up! Would you like some Turkish Delight, my child? Vyvyan: Not particularly. You got any kebabs?

Flood [1.6]

Mike: Hey, Neil. Neil: Yes, Mike? Mike: Come over here. Neil: You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike? Mike: No, I don't. Neil: Oh. Mike: Where's my breakfast? Vyvyan: Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago! Neil: Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops! Mike: So why haven't you gone? Neil: Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money! Rick: There's plenty of money in the kitty! Neil: Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he? Vyvyan: [wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then! Rick: [pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM! Mr. Balowski: Heerrree's Jerzei! Rick: It's Mr. Balowski! Vyvyan: How did he get in here?! Neil: Well, you could eat him instead, actually. Mr. Balowski: Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'! Rick: Oh, my

Bambi [2.1]

Rick: Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes. Vyvyan: I don't know why you bother ever. Neil: Why didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan? Vyvyan: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came; you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish. Neil: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day? Vyvyan: Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday. Neil: Yeah, sausages and? Vyvyan: Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours. Neil: I mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell? Mike: Yes. Neil: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes? Vyvyan: We mean, yes you smell. Smelly! Neil: [clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah. Rick: I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic! Neil: [upon seeing

Cash [2.2]

Mike: Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood? Rick: Um, between my legs. Vyvyan: [takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that. Rick: Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day. Vyvyan: What a revolting thought! Mike: This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire! Vyvyan: Oh, certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire] Rick: You Bastards! That's my record player! Mike: You said it was your record player! Vyvyan: No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh! Mike: Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick. Rick: Yes, it is now give it back! Vyvyan: Ok! Rick: My parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels! Rick: That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity... Mike: Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everythi

Cash [2.2]

Neil: I'm not cooking Vyvyan. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table. Vyvyan: Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie. Neil: No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down. Rick: What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other? Neil: That's not important Rick. Rick: Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom. Vyvyan: Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car. Rick: All right we'll have to use them then. Vyvyan: No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in? Rick: No no no better idea, we'll go out there! Vyvyan: Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside) Neil: No, wait guy

Cash [2.2]

Neil: I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..." Mike: Yeah? Neil: Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far. Mike: Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly. Vyvyan: I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?" Neil: Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead? Vyvyan: What about "darling"? Neil: "Darling bank manager..." Rick: Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy". Neil: "Darling fascist bully boy..." Mike: That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say? Neil: Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that. Mike: Well, what about, "give me some more money"? Vyvyan: "You bastard" Neil: Don't you think that's a bit strong? Mike: No, Neil, people like that respect strength. Neil: Yeah, you're right. "Darling fasc

Cash [2.2]

Vyvyan: QUICK! GET THE STIRRUPS! I'M GONNA HAVE MY BABY NOW! Rick: [Screaming hysterically] I AM NOT! GETTING! AGGRESSIVE! Neil: [Calmly, staring at Rick] You are, Rick. I can sense it. Vyvyan: [clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby! Neil: Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet. Rick: What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs! Mike: Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt. Neil: Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly! Rick: We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher! Rick: I was wondering if you'd thought of a name for your baby yet? Vyvyan: Shut Up or Piss Off! Rick: Oh, that's charming, isn't it? Vyvyan: No, no, those are the two names I'm considering. I mean, they'll be really handy i

Nasty [2.3]

Various characters: Oh, have we got a video? Vyvyan: [Increasingly exasperated] Yes! We've got a video! Neil: Oh, have we got a video! Vyvyan: If anyone else asks me that question I'm gonna stick their head through the window! Neil: Vyv? Have we got a video? Vyvyan: Right... come this way, Neil. Vyvyan: Sideways on. [Neil turns sideways.] Thank you. Neil: I still don't understand. I still don't understand. Does that mean we've got one or not? Woman: Do you dig graves? Neil: Yeah, yeah, they're alright, yeah. Rick: Neil, the bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite Junta. Vicar: What-ho, I'm the vicar. Vyvyan: Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress. Vicar: [pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke? Vyvyan: [rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has. Vicar: Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the

Time [2.4]

Rick: It was incredible. We did everything. Mike: [Recording with a tape recorder] Like what? Rick: Umm, everything. At one point, she even took her bra off! So I took off my dungarees... Helen: I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep. Vyvyan, Mike & Neil: (Look at Rick) Eh? Rick: No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I? Helen: Were you? You weren't when I woke up. Neil: Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you. Rick: Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding... Vyvyan: Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN! Rick: I'M NOT! I'm not a... Vyvyan: Virgin, virgin, virgin! Rick: Vyvyan! Where'd you get that Howitzer?! Vyvyan: Found it. Rick: Well you can put it back this instant, young man! Vyvyan: I w

Sick [2.5]

Neil: Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision! Rick: STOP SHOUTING NEIL!! Neil: Stop shouting yourself! Rick: I AM NOT SHOUTING!! Neil: Yes, you are! Rick: I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!! Vyvyan: It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living. Rick: Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much! Neil: Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses. Vyvyan: Why aren't you dead?! Rick: I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP. Neil: You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist. Rick: Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen! Mike: What this? [Holding a fish] Vyvyan: It's a fish, mate. Mike: Oh, thanks. Rick: [writing] Dear Mr. Echo.... Vyvyan: Why did I do that? Rick: Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you? Vyvyan: Of

Summer Holiday [2.6]

Vyvyan: Do you think ants go to discos? Mike: Vyvyan, it has been proved that ants are highly intelligent with a well ordered society. The last thing they go to would be discos. Vyvyan: Well, why's one of them wearing a silver boob tube then? Mike: There's a very good reason for that. Vyvyan: What? Mike: You're talking crap. Neil: [on his final exam] It was terrible. I sat in the big hall and put my packet of polos on the desk, and my spare pencil and my support gonk and my chewing gum and my extra pen, and my extra polos and my lucky gonk, and my pencil sharpener shaped like a cream cracker and three more gonks with a packet of polos in each, and lead for my retractable pencil and my retractable pencil, and my spare lead for my retractable pencil, and chewing gum and pencils and pens and more gonks and the guy said "Stop writing please."! Rick: Oh yes, Mike, your tutor asked me to tell you that if you don't start turning up to class next September, then he and the Dean are going to ha

Comic Relief 1986

Vyvyan: It's fantastic! The streets are completely filled with screaming children! Neil: All for Cliff! Vyvyan: Well, not exactly, Neil... a bomb's gone off. Mike: You mean you let a bomb off, Vyvyvan. Vyvyan: Look, what I had for breakfast is completely my own affair thank you, Michael. Neil: Look, everyone, he's coming through the doors. Vyvyan: BRILLIANT! He didn't even open them! Mike: We don't want you in the song anymore. Rick: What? What?! Mike: I simply said we don't want you in the song... Rick: Yes, yes, yes, but why? Vyvyan: (From backstage) Because you're total and utter crap! Neil: Don't do the song, right, I've got some really heavy news about Cliff that's gonna completely blow your mi... what's that smell? Rick & Vyvyan: Neil, go away! Neil: Don't patronise me, you bastards! Oh, yeah, let's all sit in rows and ruin Neil's evening! Rick: What's the message, Neil? Neil: Oh, yeah, the message about Cliff, right, er... Cliff's blown out the gig. Rick: What? You mean he's...