Quotes

King Harold and Queen Lillian and others

Donkey: I think that went pretty well. [Shrek: Donkey!] Come on now, Shrek! Harold: I'm dying. [coughing] Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Lillian: Of course, darling. Harold: Fiona. Fiona: Yes, Daddy? Harold: His name is Arthur. [Shrek: Arthur?] [coughing] I know, you'll do what's [exhaling] right-- [sick immediately]

Dialogue

Prince Charming: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stagehand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stagehand turns a crank that creates the background music. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stagehands backstage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.] Gingy: This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater! Pinocchio: Me, too. [his nose grows] Prince Charming: [rides to the base of the tower] Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose] Actress: [as the princess, leaning from the

Dialogue

Harold: I'm dying. [Inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King's aid, and he settles down.] Lillian: Harold. Harold: Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. [Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.] Lillian: Of course darling. [The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.] Harold: Fiona… Fiona: Yes, Daddy? Harold: I know I've made many mistakes with you. Fiona: It's okay. Harold: But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. [Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.] My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. Shrek: [smiles] And I'm proud to call you my Frog… King Dad-in-law. Harold: Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.[wheezes and coughing, passes out.] Puss: The frog king...is dead. [Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.] Donkey: [to Puss] Put your hat back on, fool. Harold: Shrek, please come hither. [Fiona gives Shrek a look. S

Dialogue

Prince Charming: What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? [Mabel turns around in front of him] Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? Mabel: She's not welcome here, and neither are you. [spits into the mug] What do you want, Charming? [wipes the mug with a cloth] Prince Charming: Oh, not much, just a chance at redemption... [laughs] and a Fuzzy Navel. [stands up and turns to the villains] And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook: We're not your friends. [Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck] And you don't belong here. Prince Charming: You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? Cyclops: Do a number on his face! Prince Charming: No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. [to the Evil Queen] Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and then what happened?

Dialogue

[talking to cats] It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. [another female cats talking] As are you... [to another female cat] And you... [more cats get angry at each other] And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. [the cats yowl and screech] I gotta go. [then leaves on the journey]

Dialogue

Princess Fiona: [suddenly feels a bump in her stomach] Shrek! Shrek: Yeah?! Princess Fiona: Wait! Shrek: What is it?! Princess Fiona: [taking a deep breath] I'm... I'm... [but was cut off by the ship captain's foghorn] Shrek: [laughs] I love you too, honey! Princess Fiona: No! No, I said I'm- [gets cut off by the foghorn again] Shrek: [grabs the foghorn from the captain and throws it overboard] You're what?! Princess Fiona: I said I'm pregnant! Shrek: [can't believe his ears] Oh... what was that?! Princess Fiona: You're going to be a father! Shrek: [laughs nervously] That's great. Princess Fiona: Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!? Shrek: [smiles back at Fiona] Yeah... [laughs nervously] Me, too. You... Donkey: [pops up onto the railing] I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!! Puss in Boots: And you, my friend, are royally- [the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]

Dialogue

Donkey: Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy! Shrek: It's "Worcestershire". Donkey: Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy!

Dialogue

Shrek: Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Donkey: [angrily] Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are OVER! Hall Monitor: Uh, hold it. Student 1: We're here for the mascot contest. Student 2: Grr! Shrek: [pleased with himself] We're here for the mascot contest, too. Hall Monitor: [suspicious] This is a costume? [reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin] Shrek: [trying to hide the pain] Ay! Worked on it all night long. [struggling not to scream in agony] Hall Monitor: [lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious] Looks pretty real to me. Puss in Boots: If he were real, could I do this? [uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt] Donkey: Or this? [kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs] Shrek: [winces, sweats, and is unbelievably strained] If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. Donkey: Now watch this! Shrek: [interrupting;

Dialogue

Artie: [to Shrek] Please, don't eat me. Students and Teacher: Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Shrek: I'm not here to eat him! Students and Teacher: [groaning] Aww. Shrek: It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away. Artie: What? Lancelot: Artie? King? More like a Mayor of Loserville!

Dialogue

Captain Hook: [looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook] Well, well, well! If it isn't Peter Pan! Mother: His name's not Peter! Captain Hook: Shut it, Wendy.

Dialogue

Prince Charming: You! You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? Pinocchio: [turns his body around, thinks nervously] Well...I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming: [gets in Pinocchio's face] You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio: [still a little nervous] It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Prince Charming: So you do know where he is. Pinocchio: On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way. With any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably. Prince Charming: [angrily] Stop it. Pinocchio: I do not know where he shouldn't be. [Captain Hook scratches his head; even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated] If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingy: [continues to singing "Lollipop Song"] On the good ship Lollipop... Heimlich:

Dialogue

Artie: I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. Shrek: Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie: Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. Shrek: It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. Artie: Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek: [chuckles sheepishly] Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. Artie: Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses. Donkey: It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They've got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss: [jumps up onto the railing next to Artie] And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters. Artie: [intrigued] Oh, yeah? What do they do? Puss: They taste the food before the King eats, to

Dialogue

Shrek: [to Artie shortly after they crash the ship] Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Artie: Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh? Shrek: Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well, it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father! Artie: [confused] What? Donkey: [clears his throat, to Shrek] You just said "father". Shrek: [to Artie] I said king! You're gonna be king! Artie: [imitates Shrek] "You're gonna be king!" [reverts back to his normal voice] Yeah, right. [walks away] Shrek: Where do you think you're going?! Artie: Far Far Away... from you! Shrek: You get back here, young man, and I mean it!

Dialogue

Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin', just say, "Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's whack! [gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back] Artie: [runs up to Merlin's house] SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! [knocks on the door of a tree incessantly] Help! Hello?! Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare- [the holograph cuts off; comes out the front door and says] I knew I should have got that warranty. [bangs on the holograph, which gives him an electric shoc

Dialogue

Artie: This is lame. Merlin: [whacks him] You're lame.

Dialogue

[?] Quiet! Alright, alright, journey to the soul.

Dialogue

Fiona: Charming, let go of her! Rapunzel: [looks at Charming, purring] Fiona: [anonymous] What? Fiona: Rapunzel, how could you? Rapunzel: Jealous much? Prince Charming: Soon you'll be back where you started… scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. Rapunzel: But Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them. Prince Charming: Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later.

Dialogue

Donkey: [scared] LOOK OUT! THEY GOT A PIANO! Captain Hook: Kill 'em all. [points to Shrek] Except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek: "King Charming"? Captain Hook: ATTACK!!

Dialogue

Captain Hook: YA COWARDS! Shrek: [barges to Hook] What has Charming done with Fiona?! Captain Hook: She's gonna get what's coming to her. [raises his hook, but gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away] And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!

Dialogue

Donkey (Puss): [groans] Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college. Shrek: Donkey? Donkey (Puss): [confused] What? Is there something in my teeth? [gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body] What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second-rate sidekick! Puss (Donkey): [falls on the ground; groans] At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside piñata! You should think about going on a diet! Donkey (Puss): Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! [covers himself as if being naked] I feel all exposed and nasty! [Shrek and Artie laugh] Oh, so you two think this is funny?!

Dialogue

Artie: Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! Shrek: Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. Artie: He's a star, people! Hello?! I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. Shrek: I'm gonna lose it! [continues trying to keep his cool] Artie: I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey (Puss): Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño HONEY BUTTER!!!! Shrek: I just lost it. Guard: Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Puss (Donkey): Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!

Dialogue

Shrek: [confronts Charming in the dressing room] Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Prince Charming: Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses a button] Shrek: [grabs him] Where's Fiona? Prince Charming: Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. [grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down.] Let me guess. Arthur. Artie: [facing him] It's "Artie", actually. Prince Charming: This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held his sword to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Now stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek: Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him! Artie: Then-then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right? Shrek: You weren't really... next in line for the throne, okay. I was. Artie: But you said the king asked for me personally. Shrek: Not exactly. Artie: What's that supposed to mean? Shrek: [frustrated] Look, I said whatever

Dialogue

Donkey (Puss): We went to high school, the boat crashed, and we've got Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booped by the magic man! Doris: You poor sweet things. Cinderella: [confused] I don't get it. Snow White: The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Sleeping Beauty: [wakes up] Huh? Who dat?

Dialogue

Donkey (Puss): Alright, people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite! Pinocchio: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool. Gingerbread Man: As I recall, it was Team Awesome. Wolf: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Donkey (Puss): All right, all right, all right! From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

Dialogue

Artie: [off-screen] Everybody, stop! [turned on a spotlight and shined it onto the stage] Prince Charming: [exasperated] Oh, what is it now?! Shrek: [surprised, but smiled] Artie? Artie: [jumping and leaping onto the stage] Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? [all the villains raise their hands] You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives? Hook: But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. Artie: Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? Evil Tree Steve: Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. Prince Charming: Oh, you morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them! Evil Tree Ed: [covering Charming's mouth] What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Evil Tree Steve: Right. Thanks, Ed. Artie: Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, o

Dialogue

Puss: [normal voice] Are you, uh...? Donkey: [normal voice] I'm me again! Puss: And I'm not you! Donkey: [hugs Puss] All right! Merlin: Oops. [realizes that Puss's cape and Donkey's tail were swapped, then walks away] Ah, never mind.

Dialogue

Shrek: [looking at Artie talking with princesses] See, what did I tell you? The kid's gonna make a great king. Princess Fiona: For what it's worth, you would have, too. Shrek: [rubs Fiona's stomach] I have something much more important in mind.