Quotes

Dialogue

Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice o' butter... melting on top of a big ol' pile of flapjacks. [pause] Yeah.

Dialogue

Saul: [Jumps into a dumpster] I think we should stay here. Dale: Why? Saul: 'Cause I am in the dumpster already.

Dialogue

Saul: My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase. Red: You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet! Saul: Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!

Dialogue

Saul: I can't see. The wipers don't work! Dale: Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do? Saul: [kicks his leg through the windshield] Ouch! Fuck! I think I pulled my groin!

Dialogue

Saul: Why are we even here? This place is so fuckin' scary! Dale: At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up! Saul: That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".

Dialogue

Dale: What else? Red: Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're like in a drug war right now. Dale: The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians! Saul: It's true. Dale: What Asians? Red: Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um-- Saul: Viet Cong? Red: Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like...the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.

Dialogue

Dale: Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are? Saul: Um, heat seeking missiles...um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas. Dale: I'm just--I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird. Saul: Thank you. Dale: Not a compliment.

Dialogue

Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here. Dale: [sarcastically] Okay... Uh, let's go. No. It's not working. The battery's dead. Saul: Wait...what do you mean, it's dead? Dale: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead. Saul: No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead? Dale: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul. Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen? Dale: Well, we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and— Saul: Aw, man...talk radio? Dale: Yes, talk radio. Saul: So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.

Dialogue

Dale: Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. [to Saul] Just ask him. Red: [while frosting a cake] Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here. Dale: That's great. Just-- Red: We got a lot of time to hang out. I'm making a fucking cake. Dale: No shit. [to Saul] Just ask him, man. Saul: Can I have a piece of that? Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece. Saul: [to Red] I can't have a piece of that? Red: [is almost done frosting the cake] No, you cannot have a piece. This is private. You know what today is? Saul: Tuesday. Red: This is my cat's birthday today. Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident? Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh? Dale: Sorry. Red: All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert. Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to heaven. Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to heave

Dialogue

Dale: You're sure we can trust this guy? Saul: Yo, Red. Red: Who is it? Saul: It's Bruce. Red: Bruce? Who the fuck is this? Saul. What's up? Saul: Who do you think it is? Red: Who's this? Dale: I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you. Red: Dale who? Dale: It's best if you don't know my full name. Saul: Dale Denton. Don't worry, he's with me. Red: Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay? Saul: You better. Red: Get in here. Saul: Coming in. Red: Y'all Wanna buy some drugs? Saul: Frisk me. Red: What's up? What's up? What's up? Saul: Get it. Red: Give it. Give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players? Saul: What's up? Red: I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes? Saul: Oh, we were camping. Red: Camping? Saul: Yeah. Dale: Is your, uh...is your lip okay, man? Saul: You been crying? Red: [clearly bruised and cut] Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so, uh, I started to cry. I think

Dialogue

Dale: Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay? Red: You don't think I can handle danger? Dale: What are you talking about? Saul: He can! Red: I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? 'Cause look at this! Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here, bro! Okay? Dale: What's the significance of that? Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger! Dale: Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know. Red: Uh-uh. Saul: Uh-huh. Dale: U-huh. Red: Uh-uh. Dale: Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"? Red: It's "uh-uh". Saul: There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a wacky night in the woods...but we both can put that behind us

Dialogue

Red: Seriously! I know this sounds weird, but can we be best friends? Just us? For real? Dale: I think we should ALL be best friends! Red: We should be. You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment. Saul: You guys are like both of my best friends, and you didn't even know it, but now you know it, and we'll all be best friends! Dale: You know what we should get? You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a three-way one of those, man! Saul: [while Dale is talking] Three-way! Three-way! Red: I don't even know if they fucking make those! Dale: We should make the first ones! Saul: Three-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!

Dialogue

Robert Anderson: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you? Dale Denton: Nothing. I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here. Robert Anderson: You're all dirty and bleeding. Dale Denton: No I'm not. I'm here for dinner. Shannon Anderson: You have scratches on your forehead. Robert Anderson: Dude, you smell like shit. Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you? Dale Denton: I was in the woods! Shannon Anderson: In the woods? Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was...I was in the woods! Shannon Anderson: What were you doing in the woods? Dale Denton: I bird...watch...I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder, okay? I saw someone murder...someone else, and I think they've been following me. And there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. So they could then find this house. They could come here. Shannon Anderson: We should call the

Dialogue

Barber: So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody? Dale: That's exactly what I've been telling you. Barber: And you saw it? Dale: Yes. Do you believe me? Barber: I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop? Dale: It was a policewoman. It was a woman. Barber: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was. Dale: Yes, I will identify that bitch.

Dialogue

Saul: Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic. Dale: I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here, okay? Saul: All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First thing's first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it] Dale: Don't...do that, okay? Saul: [stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not? Dale: Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened because we were smoking marijuana. Saul: Naw, man. That happened 'cause those fucking kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man. Dale: In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the fuckin' time! Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man? Dale: Okay. Well, that would be true...if you HAD saved me. But you didn't sa

Dialogue

Dale: Red? Red: What the fuck? Get out of here, man, I didn’t do shit, Denton! Dale: Look, I come in piece, okay? I’m not here to fight you again. Red: Good. ‘Cause I’m tired, man. I’m feeling so hot. Dale: You don’t look great. Red: They shot me, Denton. They got me right here. Dale: Yeah. Red: Right here. And then they got me again right here. Dale: Look, man, I’ll call 9-1-1 right now. They’ll save your life, okay? You don’t need to die. Red: No, bro. You don’t get it, man. It doesn’t really matter where I’m at. If I’m at the hospital, if I’m here, Ted’s gonna find me, man. He will. And when he does, he’s gonna fucking kill me. He’s just like an asshole. Dale: I couldn’t agree more, Red. That’s why I’ve come here, okay? You know Ted? He took Saul. And I’m gonna get him back. You know, like, he saved my life. We’ve been on the run together and he’s a great friend. He’s a good guy. Red: He is, man. I’ll tell you that, man. Saul is a good dude. Dale: And I was mean to him, man. I wrong