Quotes

Dialogue

Daniel: [as Grunge the Cat] Salutations, snack. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Yipe. On second thought, YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! Birdnapped! [as Grunge the Cat] A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, Julia Child. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call? [as Grunge the Cat] In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette? [as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs over the line "Beak Cancer"] I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened! Lou: [irritated, rolls his eyes] Here we go again. Cut! Roll it back! What are you doing? [Daniel stops, startled] Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it? Daniel: Well, I thought I sh

Dialogue

Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family, get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great. Miranda: [shakes her head sadly] Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back. Daniel: Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us. Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. Daniel: Okay. Miranda: It's just, we've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common. Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other...Come on Miranda, we love each other. Don't we? Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce. Daniel: [tearfully] No. We can't. We're a family, you know. Miranda: [tearfully] I'm so sorry.

Dialogue

Frank: [on the phone with his mother Evelyn; to Daniel, his brother] She wants to know if you wanna come stay with her. Daniel: [quietly] No way! Frank: [to his mother] He says he'll think about it, Ma.

Dialogue

Judge: Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings have always tended to favor the mother, we also realize, perhaps, now, more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father. However, since at the present time, Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment, it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard. Miranda's Lawyer: Congratulations. Daniel: No... Judge: Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday. Daniel: [whispering to his lawyer] Can't you do something? Daniel's Lawyer: He's already made his decision. Daniel: Isn't it traditional to say, like, "I object" or something? [to the judge] Your Honor, please. I mean, every Saturday, that's one day a week. That's not enough. I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please. I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really. I haven't been away from them for more than

Dialogue

Mrs. Sellner: As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things: your living environment- Daniel: It’s more like a habitat, really. Mrs. Sellner: [glares at Daniel, unamused] ...and I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it. Daniel: [good old boy accent] Well, I'll put on a chicken. Mrs. Sellner: And of course there's also the job issue. [shows Daniel a paper with information pertaining to a job interview] I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you. Daniel: Thank you. Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills? Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices. Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices? Daniel: [German accent] Vell, I do voices. [as Genie] Yes! [as Mork from Ork] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake. [as Vladimir Ivanoff] So happy to be in America, don't ask for green card! [as monster] I want you in the worst way! [as Groucho Marx] Well, this is certainly a rough meeting and it's

Dialogue

Daniel: [walks inside KTVU studios and up to a desk] Excuse me. Tony: Yeah? Daniel: You Tony? Tony: That's me. Daniel: Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor. Tony: Follow me. [leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels] Daniel: Oh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air? Tony: [gruff] Not exactly. Daniel: What do I do? Tony: Well, you take all these cans. You box 'em and you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more of 'em'll come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions? Daniel: After you box 'em- Tony: [visibly annoyed] You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smart-ass. [leaves the room] Daniel: [to himself] I think I made a friend.

Dialogue

Miranda: [answers as she is driving] Hello? Are you calling in response to the ad? Daniel: [while at work; in a monotone feminine voice] Uh-huh. Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer? Daniel: I was in a band. Severe Tire Damage. Miranda: In a band? Daniel: I just wanna know one thing: are your kids well-behaved, or do they need like a few light slams every now and then? Miranda: Um...I'll have to get back to you. Daniel: Wow! [Miranda hangs up. Cut to him calling Miranda while taking a bath, in a German accent] Ja, my name is Ilsa Himmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have? Miranda: I have two girls and a boy. Daniel: Oh, a boy. I don't work wit the males 'cause I used to be one. Miranda: [hangs up in shock] Yikes! [cut to Daniel calling her later that night] Hello? Daniel: [screams; in a Southern accent] Layla, get back in yer cell! Don't make me get the hose! [in a soft voice] Hello? [Miranda hangs up in shock again. He calls her again in a Spanish accent]

Dialogue

Frank: Daniel, hi! Daniel: Could you make me a woman? Frank: Honey, I'm so happy! [hugs Daniel] Oh, come in. Daniel: I knew you'd understand.

Dialogue

Daniel: [wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love. Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips. Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs. Jack: Mmm-hmm. Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him. Jack: Mmm. Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them? Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex. [pulls out a latex nose] Daniel: [while wearing a headscarf with a Yiddish accent] Oy, it vas such a shandeh! I should never buy gribenes from a mohel; it's so chewy. [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like bubbe. This is not working. Frank: Yes, I know it's not working, but don't worry, it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed. Daniel: God bless you. Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face. Dan

Dialogue

Daniel: [holds up flattened mask] Had a little accident. Frank: [hands him another one] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. [to himself after Daniel leaves] Why wasn't I an only child?

Dialogue

Alan Brady: Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it? Melvin Cooley: Alan, I was wondering if... Alan Brady: You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife. [pokes a head mannequin off the table] Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up! Mrs. Doubtfire: All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds. It's homework time. Okay? Lydia: Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke. Mrs. Doubtfire: No. Now. [turns off the TV] Lydia: [turns the TV back on with the remote control] No. We always watch Dick Van Dyke. [sets it down] Mrs. Doubtfire: [picks it up, calmly] Really? Well- [tosses the remote into the air; it lands behind her in the fish tank] Not anymore. The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea N N. [turns to the kids, who are wide-eyed] Now! I know you're used to loosey-goosey, but I run a much tighter ship. Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., I'm in charge, and when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do not follow the schedule wil

Dialogue

[as Mrs. Doubtfire after setting fake bust and blouse on fire and putting it out while trying to cook dinner] Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm...getting hot flashes.

Dialogue

Mrs. Doubtfire: Alright, listen to me. I'm not who you think I am. Chris: Yeah, no shit! Daniel: [breaks character] Watch your mouth, young man! Lydia: [shocked] Oh my god. Chris: [realizing] Dad? Daniel: Yeah. Lydia: Dad? Daniel: Yeah, honey. Chris: You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do ya, Dad? Daniel: Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass. This is not a way of life; it's just a job. I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, y'know? It's the only way I can see you guys every day. Lydia: Who did this? Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack. Lydia: [coming around] It's really you in there. Daniel: It's just a mask. And this is a bodysuit. I didn't have any operations or anything. Lydia: It's good. Daniel: Yeah. [they hug] Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris. Chris: No. No, it's okay, I get it. I just...y'know, don't wanna hug ya or anything. Not just yet. Daniel: That's cool. It's a guy thing. Chris: Yeah. Daniel: Well, now that ya kno

Dialogue

Daniel: Which one's the dinosaur? Lundy: The one in the middle, I think. Daniel: Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct. [Lundy chuckles] I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane. They should have a little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show." It's incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. That's amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane. [scoffs] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years? Lundy: Me. Daniel: You? Lundy: [offering his hand] Jonathan Lundy. Daniel: Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner? [Lundy nods] I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee. Lundy: Ah, maybe. Daniel: [chuckles] That was funny. Listen, I don't mean to criticize. I just, you know...Sometimes I have... Lundy: Criticize all you want. Show's terrible. I'm gonna cancel it. It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone. Daniel: You know what yo

Dialogue

Stu: Four iced teas, Todd. Ron: So, whose rugrats? Stu: Miranda Hillard's. Ron: Miranda Hillard? Stu: The woman I'm seeing. Ron: No kidding? You? The guy who's never having kids? Won't have anything to do with kids? You won't even date a woman who's got kids. Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life by myself. Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids? Stu: Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now. [Todd puts the drinks on a tray offscreen] Thanks, Todd. Ron: What about their real father? Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya. Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Loser? Oh, yeah. [takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry] [as Mrs. Doubtfire] Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists - they ran that

Dialogue

Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-saurus line! [sings fanfare] And please welcome the King! [hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex] It's a dinner show. Hey, where you from? Hey, I'm gonna make you lunch, thank you very much. Thank you! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together. Please welcome James Bronnnnnntosaurus! [goes into a James Brown-style] Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da. No meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I got to help myself, can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Oh, thank you James, but now, yo! it's time for the Raptor Rap. [Lundy happens to walk in on the set as Daniel begins raps with the raptor] Yo, I'm a Raptor doin' what I can, gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo, see me, I'm livin' below the soil, I'll be back, but I'm comin' as oil! Lundy: [walks over to Daniel and claps] Very impressive, Mr. Hillard!

Dialogue

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh... as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul. Miranda: When did he pass on? Mrs. Doubtfire: Eight years ago, dear, this November. Miranda: What happened? Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him. Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic? Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

Dialogue

Maitre'd: Good evening, Mr. Lundy. Lundy: I'm meeting someone. Has he arrived yet? Maitre'd: No, I'm sorry, he hasn't arrived yet. But we can seat you. Smoking or non-smoking? Lundy: Non-smoking, please. Maitre'd: Non-smoking. Tanya will seat you. Table 15. Tanya: This way, please. Stu: Reservation, Dunmeyer. Maitre'd: Yes, sir...Smoking or non-smoking? Stu: Non-smoking. Mrs. Doubtfire: SMOKING! Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke. Mrs. Doubtfire: No, I don't, but I did. Oh, dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool. [to Stu] Oh, and I know you're Mr. Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way. Stu: Smoking. Maitre'd: All right, table 39. [to Tanya] Table 39. Mrs. Doubtfire: 39! My age! You're a saint. Thank you very much for humoring an old lady. Maitre'd: Thank you.

Dialogue

Mrs. Doubtfire: [Drops false teeth in her wine] Oh. Mrs. Doubtfire: [pretends to talk with no teeth] So sorry about that. Just one moment. [Attempts to retrieve false teeth with a fork] "Carpe dentum." Seize the teeth. Stu: May I assist you? [uses his spoon to help Mrs. Doubtfire] Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear. Oh, a spoon! How clever! Make a pincer! Come at it from both sides. Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you! There it is! Let's shake them off, like a dog... [some of the wine sprays Stu in the face] Sorry! Forgive me. Sorry about my spray. [Natalie starts laughing] I'll be right back, just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive. Yes. And tell them to "puree the salmon", if you will. Stu: Puree the salmon.

Dialogue

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse. [Takes a drink of scotch] Lundy: Daniel? Daniel: Yeah? Lundy: Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman? Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show. Lundy: Host? Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children. Daniel: Surprise! Lundy: All right. Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host? Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

Dialogue

Natalie: Daddy? Daniel: [peels off the mask] Yeah, honey. It's me. [Miranda screams softly] Happy birthday. Miranda: [embarrassed] Daniel? Daniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! The whole time? The whole time, you were? [suddenly angry] THE WHOLE TIME?! Daniel: Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. Please? Miranda: Don't talk to me! Don't touch me. Don't touch me! I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave! We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going. [grabs Nattie's hand and pulls her away] Daniel: [whispering] You guys go. Lydia: I'm sorry, Dad. Chris: Bye.

Dialogue

Judge: Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks? Miranda's Lawyer: Nothing further, Your Honor. Judge: Well, Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time. Daniel: Your Honor, in the past two months, I have secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it an environment fit for children. Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity, because ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...it's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just wanna be with

Dialogue

Oh, you wicked, wicked, monkey! Oh! Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye. Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank, who is a make-up artist. [knock on door] Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could that be? And we have enough time. Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls. Hello, Mr. Sprinkles.