Mrs. Doubtfire

Daniel: [as Grunge the Cat] Salutations, snack. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Yipe. On second thought, YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! Birdnapped! [as Grunge the Cat] A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, Julia Child. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call? [as Grunge the Cat] In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette? [as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs over the line "Beak Cancer"] I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened! Lou: [irritated, rolls his eyes] Here we go again. Cut! Roll it back! What are you doing? [Daniel stops, startled] Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it? Daniel: Well, I thought I sh

Mrs. Doubtfire, CC BY-SA 4.0

Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family, get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great. Miranda: [shakes her head sadly] Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back. Daniel: Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us. Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. Daniel: Okay. Miranda: It's just, we've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common. Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other...Come on Miranda, we love each other. Don't we? Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce. Daniel: [tearfully] No. We can't. We're a family, you know. Miranda: [tearfully] I'm so sorry.

Mrs. Doubtfire, CC BY-SA 4.0

Frank: [on the phone with his mother Evelyn; to Daniel, his brother] She wants to know if you wanna come stay with her. Daniel: [quietly] No way! Frank: [to his mother] He says he'll think about it, Ma.

Mrs. Doubtfire, CC BY-SA 4.0

Judge: Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings have always tended to favor the mother, we also realize, perhaps, now, more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father. However, since at the present time, Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment, it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard. Miranda's Lawyer: Congratulations. Daniel: No... Judge: Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday. Daniel: [whispering to his lawyer] Can't you do something? Daniel's Lawyer: He's already made his decision. Daniel: Isn't it traditional to say, like, "I object" or something? [to the judge] Your Honor, please. I mean, every Saturday, that's one day a week. That's not enough. I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please. I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really. I haven't been away from them for more than

Mrs. Doubtfire, CC BY-SA 4.0

Mrs. Sellner: As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things: your living environment- Daniel: It’s more like a habitat, really. Mrs. Sellner: [glares at Daniel, unamused] ...and I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it. Daniel: [good old boy accent] Well, I'll put on a chicken. Mrs. Sellner: And of course there's also the job issue. [shows Daniel a paper with information pertaining to a job interview] I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you. Daniel: Thank you. Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills? Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices. Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices? Daniel: [German accent] Vell, I do voices. [as Genie] Yes! [as Mork from Ork] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake. [as Vladimir Ivanoff] So happy to be in America, don't ask for green card! [as monster] I want you in the worst way! [as Groucho Marx] Well, this is certainly a rough meeting and it's

Mrs. Doubtfire, CC BY-SA 4.0

Daniel: [walks inside KTVU studios and up to a desk] Excuse me. Tony: Yeah? Daniel: You Tony? Tony: That's me. Daniel: Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor. Tony: Follow me. [leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels] Daniel: Oh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air? Tony: [gruff] Not exactly. Daniel: What do I do? Tony: Well, you take all these cans. You box 'em and you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more of 'em'll come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions? Daniel: After you box 'em- Tony: [visibly annoyed] You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smart-ass. [leaves the room] Daniel: [to himself] I think I made a friend.

Mrs. Doubtfire, CC BY-SA 4.0