Quotes

Dialogue

John: Did you hear about Eddie Hicks? Max: Hypothermia's a bitch. It ain't quick like a stroke. John: A stroke's no damn good; you could end up a vegetable! Give me a cardiac any day. Max: You know what Jacob said. Jacob said that old Billy Henchel was killed in a car crash. Head on collision with a freight truck. Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi. John: Lucky bastard. Max: You bet. John: Hey, how is he anyway? Max: He's dead! Died on impact! John: Jacob, moron. Jacob! Max: Oh he's fine. Real busy, but he promised to come home for Thanksgiving. John: Is he running for mayor? Max: Make a damn fine mayor too. John: It's a good thing he's his mother's son. If he looked anything like you, he'd never get on the ballot. Max: [Insulted] Eat my shorts!

Dialogue

John: Did you hear, someone moved into the old Klickner place? A woman. Grandpa: A woman? John: Yeah. Grandpa: Did you mount her? John: Ohhh, Dad! Grandpa: Well the woman, does she have big thighs? John: No! Grandpa: No?! Then what's the problem? If I was a young fella like you, I'd be mounting every woman in Wabasha. (Grabs the six pack of beer out of his son's hands). Keep the change!

Dialogue

Max: Morning, dickhead. John: Hello, moron.

Dialogue

Max: Hey dickhead, win the lottery? John: Enjoy your shower, smartass?

Dialogue

Max: Your old pal failed you, huh Chuck? John: Ohhhh, couldn't rise to the occasion? Max: Yes, the spirit was willing... John: Yeah, but the flesh was, uh.... Max: Weak! Weak!

Dialogue

Ariel: I said it's time for bed. John: Hold on, I'm...I'm not prepared. See, these days, they say you have to do...safe sex. Ariel: John, when was the last time you made love? John: October 4th....1978. Ariel: Oh, I think we're safe.....

Dialogue

Max: Dirty rat, I'll show him, picking on people. Snyder: Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman. Max: Hey, Snyder! Why don't you do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow?" (Laughs)

Dialogue

Man 1: We got a problem, sir. Looks like someone barricaded the door. Snyder: (on the phone) Wait a minute. (faces the men) What?! Snyder: This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.

Dialogue

Max: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson? Snyder: Have you seen him? Max: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication. Snyder: Medication? Max: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.

Dialogue

Max: Tell me something, Chuck. Do I stink? John: [outside] Yeah. Max: Not you, smart ass! Didn't ask you. I could smell it from the car, this stink. Is it me? Chuck: Yup! Max: [smells his hat] Damn!

Dialogue

Weatherman: Oh cold enough for you. BRRRRRRRRRR! Max: Oh shut up, fat ass!

Dialogue

Gustafson! You schmuck!

Dialogue

[Assuming it's Snyder of the IRS coming back to his home in the middle of the night.] Oh my god, they've come for me.

Dialogue

John: Let me remind you Einstein that May was no prize. Max: She was to me! John: I was married to the woman, 20 years. She was no prize! Max: She was to me! John: Yeah, well that's why you're a moron! If you ended up with May, you would never had Amy and Amy was a good woman. Max: She was the best. John: She was damn sight more loyal than May ever was.