Quotes

Other

Guns don't kill people - postal workers do.

Dialogue

Bernie Nayman: It burns my ass to write you a check every week. That's an issue. Jerry: I can explain what happened. Bernie Nayman: You say to people "I can explain what happened" when it's a once in a while, blue moon thing. Bobby Victory: It's every time with you, Jerry. Bernie Nayman: It's every fucking time.

Dialogue

Jerry: Oh, Ok, I was under the impression, with Margolese getting out of jail and all, that the last job, was my last job. Bernie Nayman: You fucked up that job. Bobby Victory: You fucked up that job, Jerry. Bernie Nayman: Yeah, this job, will be your last job.

Dialogue

Jerry: The group thinks we're married. I accepted the potato slicer for our anniversary. Right, sweets? I go along. Samantha: [mad] That's it. That is it. You... You... You go along!

Dialogue

Jerry: Baby, what are you doing? Samantha: You said this was your last job, Jerry! Jerry: What do you want me to say? I'm sorry, I can't, the old lady wants me to quit. Fuck off. Samantha: Yes! Something like that. Like exactly! Jerry: I'm not in insurance, sweetie!

Dialogue

Samantha: All right. Jerry, I want you to acknowledge that my needs means nothing to you and you're a selfish prick and a liar. Jerry: Oh, my God! Samantha: Jerry, acknowledge. Jerry: I... Ok. I will acknowledge that I promised to go to Vegas with you. But now we're just slightly delayed. If you want to construe my wanting to stay alive as being selfish, well, then okay. But I have every intention of going with you because your needs are very important to me, sweetheart. Come on. Look at my all my stuff here, all over the pavement. Come on, baby? Huh? What do you say? Ok? Samantha: I'm going with or without you, Jerry. What's it gonna be? A bastard! Jerry: A bastard. What happened to, uh, "sweetheart" and "big love" and all those things you called me in the bedroom last night? Samantha: The only thing I'm interested in calling you, Jerry, is a cab!

Dialogue

Leroy: I know we're all a little grouchy right now. We'll get something to eat, you'll get the pistol and then we'll go our separate ways. Samantha: Really separate ways. Jerry: Don't start, Sam. Samantha: Shut up. I'll start because I have the right... Jerry: Why do you do that? Do not tell me to shut up. We had an agreement, remember? Samantha: Shut up. Leroy: Why don't we all shut up a bit? Jerry: I swear to God, I will crash this fucking car right now. Leroy: Jerry, don't do that. Jerry: I will. One more word out of you. Another word, Sam. One more word. I swear to fucking God. Samantha: Naugahyde. Jerry: All right.

Dialogue

Car Thief: If you're going to kill me, at least tell me who it is that's going to send me to God. Tell me! Jerry: Look, I'm not going to kill you. But I am going to shoot you. Car Thief: But why, sir? Why? Jerry: Why? Why? Because you stole from me and you know about the pistol and you're just going to steal again and I can't have you coming back in the situation like a fly in the ointment. Car Thief: No, I won't be a fly! You'll never see me again. Jerry: Look, you're getting shot and that's it. It will take you time to get to the next town especially if you're limping. Car Thief: Wait, wait! What? Limping? Can't you just tie me up some more? I mean, fuck. You shoot me? Tie me! Jerry: Yeah, I don't have a rope. Car Thief: So you shoot me? Jerry: It's the American way.

Dialogue

Leroy: I have to ask you a question... and it's an important one so, I want you to think about the answer before you give it to me. Okay? Samantha: Okay. Leroy: When two people love each other - Really... Love each other - but they just can't get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough? Samantha: [mouth agape, stunned look, realizing he's talking about her] Tha?... oh, well... that's... you know... um... you know it's Over when... okay, I have, like, these psychosomatic, insomniatic manifestations of... uh, well here's the thing about me: I'm a product of my emotions, versus being a product of my environment, like HIM, which he is, exactly, just THAT, environmental... uh uh I need sunshine to grow; that's who I am, and uh with the projection of the... I have goals Leroy: That's your answer? Samantha: Yeah. Leroy: That's not right. I mean, there's a right answer here, but that's not it. Leroy: Look, in my business you're surrounded by loneliness, and finality.

Dialogue

Samantha: What was that? Leroy: What? Samantha: That [points eyes to the right] moment? Leroy: What? What moment...? Samantha: Are you gay? Leroy: As in happy? Samantha: As in homosexual? Leroy: What does my sexuality have anything to do with this? Samantha: You just checked that guy out and had a 'moment'!

Dialogue

Leroy: Don't you love him? Samantha: I think that's the problem. We love each other too much.

Dialogue

Samantha: Do you have any idea what I have been through these last few days? Jerry: Oh, Sam, whatever you've been through multiply that by 1000 and you'll have a vague conception of where I'm at. Samantha: Oh! Oh, isn't that typical, Jerry? It's all a competition. Tit for tat, tat for tit. Jerry: Stop yelling, for Christ sake! Listen, how are you? Are you ok? Are you all right? Where are you? Samantha: Toluca airport, Jerry. And things are shitty, really shitty!

Dialogue

Joe the Pawnshop Owner: Hola. Ted: I no fuck around, comprende? Gun, gun, loaded. Bang, bang. You dead. Joe the Pawnshop Owner: Do you have a speech impediment?

Dialogue

Jerry: Yeah..."you're just doing your job..." Ted: Hey, I do what I have to do, okay? Jerry: Would you listen to yourself? You sound like Schultz from Hogan's Heroes! [Imitating] "I know nothing! Nothing!"

Dialogue

Bernie Nayman: Jerry, You're a fucking moron. Here are your options: Number 1, I roll you up to the neck in a carpet, stuff you into the back of a sedan, and light you on fire with gasoline. You with me? Choice one. Jerry: Yeah. Bernie Nayman: Number 2, You like sex and travel? What, you like to have sex, you like to travel? You get you ass on a flight to Mexico. All the ten dollar hookers you can shake your stick at. You pick up a pistol that belongs to Margolese. What's it going to be?

Dialogue

Jerry: Hola! Mexican Policeman: Is this your dog? Jerry: Uh, sort of... Mexican Policeman: He does have a personality, that certainly counts for something. Jerry: Yeah, good guy... Mexican Policeman: This your car? Jerry: Yeah, it's a rental... I'm an American. Mexican Policeman: No shit? Jerry: Yeah. Mexican Policeman: Really? Jerry: Yeah, yeah... Mexican Policeman: I am a Mexican. Jerry: [pause and nod] Cool.