Quotes

Dialogue

Lloyd: [upon hearing Petey's death] Ohh...! That's it. I've had it with this dump! We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF! Harry: Okay, just calm down! Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry?! We gotta get outta this town! Harry: Yeah, and go where, huh? Where are we gonna go? Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen. Harry: I don't know, Lloyd, the French are assholes. Wait a minute. [gets up from his chair] Wait a minute! I know what you're up to, mister. Yeah! You just wanna go to Aspen and find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there, right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right, Lloyd? Lloyd: Yeah, so? Yeah! So? So I wanna go someplace where we know somebody who can plug us into the social pipeline. Harry: No! No, no, no, no, Lloyd! No! I say we stay here, we hunt f

Dialogue

Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Anybody can make a mistake. Come on! Stop bein' a baby! So we backtracked a tad! Harry: A TAD?!! (he furiously runs up to Lloyd) A tad, Lloyd?! You drove almost a 6th of the way across the country in the wrong... DIRECTION!!! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen! We don't have enough money to get home! We don't have enough money to eat! We don't have enough money... TO SLEEP!! Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good to sit here whinin' about it. We're in a hole. We're just gonna have to dig ourselves out. Harry: (nods unhappily) Okay. Right. You're right. You're absolutely right, Lloyd. Lloyd: Where ya goin'? Harry: Home. I'm walking home! Lloyd: Oh! Well, pardon me, Mr. PERFECT!!! (nervously laughs) I guess I forgot that you never, ever make a mistake!

Dialogue

Joe: (sees a note on Harry and Lloyd's door) Those rat bastards. They're rubbin' it right in our faces. Shay: Man! Andre'll have a goddamn hemorrage if we don't get that briefcase back! Joe: They must've been followin' us for weeks. Shay: Why ya say? Joe: "Gas Man". How the hell do they know that I got gas? Shay: They gotta be pros. Joe: Don't worry. We're gonna get that money back. And I'll tell you somethin' else. They ain't never gettin' to Aspen. I'm gonna see to that. [crumples the note]

Dialogue

Harry: Hey, where'd you get those? Lloyd: I bought them when we filled up. Harry: We're supposed to talk about our expenditures, Lloyd. We're on a very tight budget. Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund. I was able to raise twenty-five extra bucks before we left. Harry: Where did you get twenty-five extra bucks? Lloyd: I sold some stuff to Billy in 4C. Harry: The blind kid?! Lloyd: Yeah! ... Yeah. Harry: What did you sell him, Lloyd? Lloyd: Stuff. Harry: What kind of stuff? Lloyd: I dunno. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles. (fake coughs) Petey. Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?! Lloyd!! What are you -?! Petey didn't even have a head! Lloyd: Harry. I took care of it

Dialogue

Joe: [after punching the guy behind him while he is on the phone with Nicholas] I'm sorry, Mr. Andre. You were saying? Nicholas: Look, Mental. Those jokers have got a lot of money that belongs to me! I wanna know who they are and what they're doing with it! Joe: Hey, hey, hey. I told you already, I'm on it. Alright? Nicholas: Good. [Hangs up and drinks his cup]

Dialogue

Joe: [on the phone with Nicholas] Yeah, it's Mental. I'm just sitting down to a nice meal with our boys. Nicholas: Oh, how nice for you. Don't forget that your bread plate is on the left! Look, I can't have these guys runnin' around Aspen! Joe: Don't worry. They ain't gonna be runnin' around nowhere after I dump a little rat poison in their Shirley Temple.

Dialogue

Harry: Hi, Lloyd. Lloyd: Hi, Harry. Harry: How was your day? Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off the jetway again.

Dialogue

Harry: So you got fired again? Lloyd: Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know. Harry: Yeah, I lost my job too. Lloyd: Man, You are one pathetic loser. No offense. Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaffs my ass, though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. Lloyd: Hi, Petey! Harry: The alarm alone cost me 200. Lloyd: Hey! Chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon. Harry: What's with the briefcase? Lloyd: It's a love memento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man. Harry: Get out of here. Lloyd: Oh, yeah, yeah, tractor beam. [imitates tractor beam by whistling] Sucked me right in. Anyway... she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life. Harry: What's in it? Lloyd: Man... I would have to be a lowlife to go rooting around in somebody else's private property. Harry: Is it locked? Lloyd: Yeah, really well.

Dialogue

Nicholas: Which one of you losers wants to get it first? Lloyd: Over here. I was the one who got us into this whole mess. C'mon, shoot me. Harry: No! Wait. Do me first. I stole your girl, Lloyd, I deserve it. Lloyd: No, you don't. Harry: Yes, I do. Lloyd: No, you don't. No, you don't! Harry: Yes, I do! Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life! Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg. Lloyd: [sarcastically] Okay. Kill him! Lloyd: Oh, no! [whimpers; to Nicholas] You killed my best friend, you bastard! Nicholas: [points his gun at Lloyd] If it's any consolation, you're about to be reunited. Lloyd: Harry! You're alive! And you're a horrible shot. Nicholas: Lucky me.

Dialogue

Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it. Harry: [nudges Lloyd] You're it. Lloyd: [nudges Harry] You're it, quitsies! Harry: Anti-quitsies. [nudges Lloyd] You're it! Quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies! Lloyd: You can't do that! Harry: Can too! Lloyd: Cannot, stamped it! Harry: Can too, double stamped it, no erasies! Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamped it, no erasies, touch blue make it true. [puts his hands over his ears and sings] Harry: No! No! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! You can't triple stamp a double stamp, Lloyd! You can't triple stamp a double stamp! LLOYD! LLOYD! You c-- Joe: GUYS!!! ENOUGH!! Lloyd: Hey... want to hear the most annoying sound in the world? [makes a really loud noise and Harry does it with him] Joe: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! Fellas... you think we could... listen to the radio or something? Lloyd: Radio? Who needs a radio? Ready, Harry? [singing] Mock... Harry: [singing] Yeah... Lloyd: Ing... Harry: Yeah... Lloyd: Bird... Harry: Yeah... Lloyd: Yeah... Harry: Yeah... Bo

Dialogue

Beth: The number's 555-... Harry: (quietly and rapidly) 555-... Beth: 905-- Wait a minute, that's my old number. (laughs) That is so weird how your mind just goes blank! Harry: (screams while his left leg is on fire) FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIMME THE DAMN NUMBER!!! Beth: Okay, look. Uh, you're gonna get pushy, forget about it!